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Closer to the Heart	By : hfreak Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Willow Views: 3834 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Buffy fandom or its characters. They belong to Joss Wheodn. I make no money from this.

Chapter List
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Title: Closer to the Heart
Chapter 2: Conversations With Dead People
Rating: PG-13?
Warnings: If you�re not offended by the episode, you shouldn�t be offended by this .
Summary: Buffy and Willow face their issues: separately.

A/N: This chapter came out looking a lot like clips from the episode just with my thought shots added. I swear, future chapters will have bigger alterations and entirely new scenes. It�s just so hard to mess with CWDP. And the scenes I�ve included really do make a nice baseline for the . My goal in including scenes from the episodes is to spare you readerly types from having to rewatch the whole thing just to understand where the is at. Anyone who can remember the majority of an episode�s details just on hearing the title can probably take the leisure of skimming a few things in this , but the parts that I included are there for a reason. I swear, this won�t just be quoted scenes from the canon with minor alterations. Lots of original scenes to come.

A/N2: You may have noticed that I�m posting this somewhat slower than usual. That�s because I�m working to my beta�s schedule. On the one hand, longer to wait, but on the other hand, 82% less spleling errors!

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    �Here we go,� Buffy said dryly as a hand pushed through the freshly dug ground at her feet.
    This one was quick. He was out of the earth and trading blows readily. The challenge made it exciting. There was no doubt in Buffy�s mind that she would win the fight, but she was glad to have a decent tussle. It had been a slow night. She�d have a little fun with this one and then probably head home for the night.
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    �She says she still sings.�
    �What?� Willow had been disturbed enough by Cassie�s sudden appearance in the library, but surely she wasn�t talking about�
    �Remember that time on the bridge when you sang to each other?� Willow�s face paled in response. �Well, she says even though you can�t hear it, she still sings to you.�
    �Tara?� the witch questioned tearfully.
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    �I heard a lot of rumors about you back then,� said Holden Webster. Buffy was slightly wigged by fighting a vamp who knew her in high school. On top of that, she felt awkward that she couldn�t even remember him. She mentally chastised herself for letting her feelings enter into it at all; slaying was not the time for feelings. �You were all mysterious.�
    �I was?� the Slayer questioned.
    �Well, you were never around,� Webs explained. �A lot of kids thought you were dating some really old guy,� Buffy raised her eyebrows as Angel crossed her mind, �or that you were just heavy religious. Scott Hope said you were gay.�
    �What?� How was it that everyone noticed her noticing women when she tried to keep it under wraps? �I dated that ringworm.� There was a pause. �And I�m bi.�
    �Don�t take it too personally. He says that about every girl he breaks up with,� Webs assured her, glossing over the Slayer�s confession. �And then last year, big surprise, he comes out.�
    �Oh.� Buffy shook her head slightly as she thought. �Men,� she muttered. �Do I know how to pick �em.�
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    �Tara, is it you?� Willow was blindsided by the sudden upsurge of emotions.
    �She�s sorry she couldn�t come herself,� Cassie said softly.
    �Why didn�t she?� Willow questioned urgently. �I don�t understand� I mean, if you can manifest yourself-�
    �She just can�t,� Cassie interrupted.
    �Why not? I don�t understand,� she repeated.
    �Because of what you did.�
    �What?� Willow knew exactly what, but she didn�t know how else to respond.
    �You killed people,� said Cassie, confirming what Willow already knew. �You can�t see her. That�s just how it is. I�m sorry.�
    Tears spilled from Willow�s eyes. The things she had done in response to Tara�s murder were flashing through her mind. She had thought she was doing better lately, but everything was boiling under the surface now, threatening to spill over just like her tears. She wished she could see Tara, but at the same time she wondered if she�d have been able to handle it.
    �But � but she�s talking to you?� Willow asked. �And � and she can hear me?� More tears flowed at the thought. �Tara? Tara, I miss you. I�m � and � with the � but I still miss you so much.� She fell silent, waiting for Cassie to deliver Tara�s response. �Can she hear me? What�s happening?� Something was happening, surely. Willow needed to understand what was happening. �Did she say anything?� She had to have said something. Did Cassie not want to repeat it? �What?� Was Tara angry with her? Over the killing? Over Buffy? �Did she go away?�
    �Please don�t let her have gone away,� Willow thought desperately.
    �She�s crying,� Cassie said quietly.
    �No,� Willow pleaded, feeling unworthy of Tara�s tears. �No, don�t cry. Don�t cry, sweetie. Talk to me.�
    �She misses you too,� Cassie said consolingly. �She wishes she could touch you.�
    �Me too,� Willow lamented. �Oh, me, too. Oh, God, Tara, it hurts so much. It�s like this giant hole and I just keep going through every day hoping it will get better.�
    �It will,� Cassie offered. �It can.�
    �I know,� said Willow. �I know it takes time and it is � healing with time. And � you want me to be happy, right?� She craved the validation. Tara was talking to her and she needed to know that Tara still wanted her to be happy.
    �She does,� supplied Cassie. �That�s why she�s here. She wants to help you be happy. And strong. Like an Amazon, remember?�
    �I do,� Willow replied with a bittersweet, reflective smile. �I remember.�
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    �So, you meet someone, you form a bond�� Webs prompted.
    �But it never lasts,� Buffy said sadly, leaning back and resting her head against a stone sarcophagus. She feared that the same thing would happen with Willow, but she wouldn�t voice it aloud. She and Willow talked to each other. There was a connection on a deeper level. They were best friends before they became lovers. Willow knew her on a more emotionally intimate level. Surely it would last with Willow.
    �Do you mean all relationships, or just yours?� asked the vampire.
    �I don�t know,� Buffy admitted. �My parents weren�t exactly the paragon of stay-togethery-ness. Maybe that�s part of it. I think there�re people out there who�d make it.� She reflected quietly, questioning herself as to whether she truly believed this or if she was just saying it to sound remotely sane. �I�m seeing someone now. I think we�re connected on a deeper level. I hope we are. I just worry. I worry that I just�target the impossible ones�with deadly accuracy.� Buffy frowned, troubling herself with this level of assessment.
    �You think you do that on purpose?� Webs inquired. �Maybe you�re trying to protect yourself?�
    �Protecting myself?� Buffy pondered. �From heartbreak, misery, sexual violence, and possible death? Not so much.�
    �From committing,� the vampire clarified.
    �I commit.� Buffy sat up straight, tone and body language reflecting indignation. �I�m committed. I�m a committee.�
    �So it�s them? You�re reaching out, they�re just not coming through?�
    The Slayer shifted uncomfortably. She thought back to Riley and his accusations that she didn�t need him. Spike had questioned why she didn�t �feel it.� Willow had had to push and shove to get Buffy to open her eyes to the truth of her feelings. The Slayer had certainly been protecting herself then. Even when Buffy and Dawn were discussing Willow, Dawn had said that Buffy never made the first move. Was it possible that she didn�t reach out?
    �It�s different,� Buffy said slowly. �I think you�re confusing me because you�re evil.� Was that the whole of it though? There was more than enough confusion to go around.
    �I just think you�re in pain here � which I do kind of enjoy �cause I�m evil now � but you should ease up on yourself.� It was disconcerting to hear that level of sincerity coming from a vampire. Buffy missed the clarity; Spike had introduced a variety of gray areas into her comfortable black and white world. �It�s not exactly like you have the patent on bad relationships.�
    �Wouldn�t it be cool if I did?� Buffy smiled, more comfortable in a light-hearted situation.
    �And what, are you supposed to be settling down already?� the vamp challenged. �At twenty-one?�
    �I kinda like the idea,� Buffy admitted. �Being able to settle down sounds nice.�
    �And I�m not saying that you can�t,� Webs informed her. �Just don�t beat yourself up about it if it doesn�t happen. You know, my girlfriend at college, she�s so sweet.� Buffy fought the urge to roll her eyes, wondering why everyone, even the undead, tried to solve problems by comparing the situation to their own. �We have this great thing, but that doesn�t mean I�m gonna go vampify her just so we can be together forever.�
    �Sire,� Buffy corrected automatically.
    �What?� Webs didn�t seem to have understood.
    �The word � when you turn a human into a vampire � it�s you �sire� them,� explained the Slayer.
    �Cool,� said Webs shortly.
    �It�s a noun too,� Buffy added.
    �Oh, I have so much to learn.� He stood and leaned against the headstone on which he had been sitting. �Come on, isn�t this insane? I mean, I was afraid to talk to you in high school, and now we�re, like, mortal enemies. Hey, wouldn�t it be cool if we became nemeses?�
    �Is that how you say the word?� Buffy questioned, mind flashing with images of Warren, Jonathan, and what�s-his-name.
    �We�re gonna have to fight to the death, aren�t we?� Webs verified.
    �It�s the time-honored custom,� Buffy answered dryly.
    �Wow, reality just shows up sometimes, doesn�t it,� he reflected. �But, you know, I�ve got the bloodlust pumping, and I kinda get it. I�m looking for a fight. And, oh, it�s nothing personal,� he assured the Slayer as she got to her feet.
    �Oh, no, I mean, you�ve been great.� Buffy felt awkward. Talking with a vamp before the kill, beyond the usual quips and puns, was strange territory.
    �And fun catching up,� Webs agreed. �I haven�t really kept in contact with many of my friends from high school.� He paused in thought. �Guess I�ll be looking them up pretty soon,� he laughed.
    �Yeah,� Buffy sighed. She watched the ground, mind still clouded with the thoughts the conversation had stirred.
    �Hey, I don�t mean to be Count Buttinsky here,� said the vamp, �but you just don�t seem as thrilled. Is it because we�re gonna fight?� he questioned doubtfully.
    ��S�cause I�m gonna win,� Buffy admitted glumly.
    �Hello.� Webs let out a peal of laughter. �Two years of Tae Kwon Do and vampire strength. I think somebody�s counting their chickens.�
    �You�re not leaving this graveyard,� Buffy stated with a shrug. �Can�t let ya.�
    �Do the words superiority complex mean anything to you?� the vamp countered.
    �You think I�m gonna let you go kill a bunch of people?� Buffy protested in irritation. �You know I�m sworn to-�
    �No, no,� Webs denied flatly. �I get the battle against evil. That�s not the issue-�
    �There is no issue,� Buffy retorted. �Don�t issue me.�
    �Just answer me this,� Webs requested, �whose fault was your parents divorce?�
    �Okay,� Buffy rolled her eyes impatiently, �you know, this is beyond evil. This is insane troll logic.� She tensed as the vampire passed by her shoulder, slowly turning her head to follow his movements. �What do my parents have to do with-�
    �I�m just curious,� the vamp defended as he had a seat on the sarcophagus Buffy had previously occupied. �Your opinion.�
    Buffy sighed and joined the vampire on the cold stone. She didn�t feel overly concerned with the threat of being bitten. He was still in a talkative mood. And she could take him.
    �They both have a lot of-�
    �Off the top of your head,� Webs interrupted.
    �My dad.� Buffy hung her head.
    �Uh-huh,� said Webs, indicating that the Slayer should continue.
    �He cheated,� Buffy said quietly. �Um, I think he cheated,� she clarified.
    �So, of all those relationships of yours � that you knew subconsciously were totally doomed � whose fault is that?�
    �It�s incredibly different,� Buffy answered at once. Her mind was tallying her past relationships. There was no way Angel was her fault; that one went down to the gypsies. Scott Hope had said she seemed distracted; she tried not to focus on that. Parker couldn�t be her fault; he was just a slimy weasel. Riley, whatever he might have said to the contrary at the time, had made his own choices. If she was honest with herself, she could see some potential for shared faults in that one. The non-relationship thing with Spike was also a two-way street. She was drawn from her thoughts as Webs stood again.
    �I was just wondering,� he prefaced, �is it possible, even a little bit, that the reason you have trouble connecting to guys is because you think maybe they�re not worth it? Maybe you think you�re better than them,� he suggested.
    �Say, there�s that bloodlust I was looking for.� Buffy glared. She wasn�t entirely certain if she was annoyed because he was wrong or because he was right.
    �Why am I even having this conversation with a vampire?� she thought to herself. �This is the kind of conversation I should be having with Willow. I think I will have this conversation with Willow. I wonder if she�s back from the library yet. I guess practicing it can�t hurt anything,� she reasoned. �And I�m gonna kill this guy anyway, so it�s not like he can blab my secrets.�
    �Struck a nerve,� Webs noted, riling the Slayer once more.
    �I�m gonna strike a nerve cluster in a minute, you don�t get off this,� Buffy threatened. �I don�t remember you being this annoying.�
    �You don�t remember me at all,� Webs argued.
    �Yes, I do,� Buffy said defensively.
    �Yeah, like, after thirty minutes of reminding,� the vamp taunted. �And I don�t take it personally because clearly you were in your own little world in high school. All chosen. All destiny. Who could live with that for seven years and not feel superior?�
    �I�m not,� the Slayer objected. �My God, if anything, I�� Buffy hung her head again as the thought finished in her head.
    �What?�
    �I just�� she sighed, hating to ponder it at all. �If you knew what I�ve done, what I�ve let myself become. My friends don�t even � you�d laugh, you heard some of the things I�ve done to them.�
    Webs seated himself on a nearby headstone as he continued to study the Slayer.
    �Buffy, I�m here to kill you, not to judge you,� he offered.
    �The last guy I was with,� Buffy began, �it got really � I behaved like a monster, treated him like � But at the same time, I-I let him completely take me over. Do things to me that-� She blinked rapidly, angered by the tears that sprung to her eyes. Webs stood again, apparently unable to hold one position for any long period of time. �I�m sorry.� The Slayer wiped her eyes. �Wow, I didn�t mean to get all true-confessions there.� Webs was inspecting a figurine atop one of the tombstones. �I don�t know what�s wrong with me,� Buffy admitted frankly.
    Webs picked up the figurine.
    �There�s nothing wrong with you.�
    And he attacked, toppling her over and leaning in close, vamp-face out and ready to kill.
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    �Oh, my God!� Webs seemed to be having a revelation. Their fight had relocated them to a crypt and the conversation had resumed.
    �Oh, your God what?� Buffy knew she had said too much. It was really time to slay this guy.
    �Oh, well, you know, not my God,� he clarified lightly, �because I defy him and all of his works, but � Does he exist? Is there word on that, by the way?�
    �Nothing solid,� said Buffy with a shrug, not really caring to give the question much thought.
    �Oh. I keep getting off topic because my mind is racing here.� The vampire removed his blazer; Buffy recognized it as an expedient in becoming battle-ready. �All right. I�ll make a deal with you. We fight. To the death. Great.� Buffy watched him in silence. �That last fight was exhilarating. And I actually had a move coming up to block that stake.� Buffy tensed as he stepped closer. �But you have to answer one question, and if I�m right, I get to ask anything � no secrets, no defensiveness, anything I want to know.�
    They stared each other down for a moment. Webs seemed to be sizing her up, not just as a fighter, but emotionally.
    �What�s your question?�
    �You said you�re in a good relationship now, but your last relationship � was it with a vampire?�
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    �And the joke is�he loved me,� Buffy mused sardonically. �I mean, in his own sick, soulless way,� she refused to acknowledge the depth of Spike�s emotions, even now, �he really did care for me. But I-I didn�t want to be loved.�
    �Didn�t you?� Webs asked quietly.
    �I have all this power,� Buffy continued tonelessly. �I didn�t ask for it. I don�t deserve it. It�s like�I wanted to be punished.� The Slayer hated to confront these emotions, but hopefully both Willow and Webs were right, that facing the emotions was healthy. �I wanted to hurt like I deserved. I sorta think � you know, this is, um, complicated,� she said shortly, losing her resolve as quickly as it had come. �If you�d rather just fight�� She let the offer stand.
    Webs leaned back against a pillar, completely lacking in hostility.
    �Tell me.�
    �I feel like I�m worse than anyone.� She blinked slowly. It hurt to say this out loud. �Honestly, I�m beneath them. My friends, my boyfriends, my girlfriend. I feel like I�m not worthy of their love. �Cause even though they love me, it doesn�t mean anything �cause their opinions don�t matter. They don�t know.� She hated that she had these feelings at all, never mind the fact that she was expressing them. �They haven�t been through what I�ve been through. They�re not the Slayer. I am.� The words felt like bile coming out of her mouth. She didn�t want these feelings, but could they be changed? Would she ever trust that people understood her even though they weren�t in her mind? �Sometimes I feel,� she sighed heavily, �this is awful � I feel like I�m better than them. Superior.�
    �Until you can�t win,� Webs pointed out. �And I thought I was diabolical � or, at least I plan to be. You do have a superiority complex. And you�ve got an inferiority complex about it.� He laughed once. �Kudos.�
    �It doesn�t make any sense.�
    Webs leaned forward.
    �Oh, it makes every kind of sense,� he countered. �And it all adds up to you feeling alone. But, Buffy, everybody feels alone. Everybody is,� he said bluntly, �until you die. Speaking of�� he stood and Buffy knew what was coming, �you ready for our little death match?�
    �I suppose.� Buffy got to her feet as well. �Thanks for listening,� she said with sincerity.
    �Oh, you know,� Webs said casually, �there�s some things you can only tell a stranger.�
    �You�re not a stranger.� They stared at each other shortly. The vampire looked almost touched by Buffy�s words. �That stuff with Spike is pretty-�
    �Hold it.�
    �What?� Buffy questioned.
    �Did you say Spike?�
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    �I�m gonna what?� Willow asked, refusing to accept what she had just heard. She wouldn�t kill. Not now. She was recovering. Her friends supported her. Buffy supported her. Surely she wouldn�t kill anyone.
    �That�s why I came,� said Cassie. �We needed to warn you.�
    �You saw my path?� Doubt crept into the witch�s mind. Was it possible that she could slip? Lose her hold on her self control? Lose everything that mattered? �W-what do you know? What � what did you see?�
    �You don�t want to know what we saw,� Cassie declared ominously.
    �Oh God!�
    �No,� her mind denied immediately. �Please no. I can�t � I can�t let anything happen. I have to do better.�
    �But if you stop � completely. No more magic.�
    �I have to.�
    �Right.� Willow assented. �Right. Stop.� But then, �W-what about Giles? He made it seem like it was just as dangerous for me to quit completely, like I might go off the deep end again�� Willow knew herself well enough to know that such a danger was real.
    �You can�t,� Cassie countered resolutely. �If you do so much as another spell-�
    �I tried to stop,� said Willow, beginning to panic. �I-I tried. What if I can�t do this?�
    �Don�t think that way,� Cassie responded. Willow had done this song and dance before though. Tara had told her the same thing she was saying now, but it hadn�t worked. As soon as a big enough problem had surfaced, Willow had been unable to restrain her power. All the suppressed impulses had come out at once.
    �Well, how can I not?� Willow demanded. �You�re telling me I�m gonna murder all my friends. I�m not strong,� she insisted. �I�m not an Amazon. I�m just me.�
    �Well, there is one thing,� Cassie seemed to hesitate, uncertain of whether or not she should voice her suggestion, �one thing you could do to stop it.�
    �What?� asked Willow, eyes widening. �Anything.�
    �And you could see her,� Cassie explained. Willow froze. �You wouldn�t have to talk through me.�
    �Tara?� Willow questioned softly.
    �That�s what you want, isn�t it?�
    �I�� Willow hesitated, torn and conflicted. �Of course.� Of course she wanted to see Tara, but it wasn�t as simple as just that. Tara wanted her to be happy, didn�t she?
    �So go,� said Cassie. Willow was unsure of her meaning. �Be with her.�
    �No,� Willow�s mind supplied. �That�s not right. Surely she doesn�t mean�Tara wouldn�t want that. Even if we could be together, Tara wouldn�t ask for that.�
    �Everybody will be safe,� Cassie continued, �and you�ll be together again� And Buffy will understand.�
    �Something�s wrong. This isn�t what Tara would want. This isn�t Tara.� Her whole soul began to cry as she realized this. It had been such a comfort to think Tara was reaching out to her. Now, having it all fall away, it was almost like losing her all over again.
    �It�s not that bad. Really.�
    �It�s not Cassie either,� Willow realized. The whole night had been a lie. This sick creature had the nerve to impersonate Tara. Anger and grief coursed through Willow�s system like poison. �Control,� she told herself. �Find out what this thing is. Why would it pretend to be Tara? What�s its agenda?�
    �It�s just like going to sleep.�
    Willow stood and surveyed the blonde apparition with cold anger.
    �Who are you?�
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    �What do you mean?� Buffy questioned. �How do you know Spike?�
    �What do you mean, how?� Webs seemed to think the question was absurd. �He was the guy that, um � oh, what�s the word?�
    �Sired.� Buffy�s face froze as she said it.
    �Yeah, he was the guy that sired me.�
    This was too much. Just as she�d been gaining a handle on her multitude of issues, why this? Not Spike. Why Spike? Why now? Why her? Why always her?
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    �Suicide thing was too far, huh?� the Cassie-apparition asked, sounding almost bored. �You seemed so ripe.�
    �Tell me who you are,� Willow insisted, low and threatening.
    �I stand by my opinion,� said the Cassie-apparition, leaning forward and meeting Willow�s eyes. �The world would be a better place if you took a razorblade to your wrist-�
    �Stop,� Willow demanded.
    �I can see it now,� the apparition�s eyes lit up happily as she stood. �Candlelight, the Indigo Girls playing, picture of your dead girlfriend on your bloody lap.�
    �Stop it!� Willow repeated, angered by the reference to Tara. The whole night this apparition had pretended to represent Tara and that angered Willow more than anything else.
    �Oh baby, you left such a big hole,� the apparition mocked. �It hurts so bad.� She leaned in toward Willow�s face with a serious look in her eyes. �You don�t know hurt,� it said coldly. �You think Buffy needs you? You think you�re helping her by getting in touch with her feelings? She knows better. She can�t do her job with complex emotional problems on her mind. And she knows her job is about to get harder. This last year�s gonna seem like cake after what I put you and your friends through, and I am not a fan of easy death. Fact is, the whole good-versus-evil, balancing the scales thing � I�m over it. I�m done with the mortal coil. But believe me, I�m going for a big finish.�
    �From beneath you, it devours,� Willow said in realization.
    �Oh, not it,� said the apparition smugly. �Me.�
    Willow stared in horror as the apparition appeared to slowly turn inside out and then vanished.
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Closer to the Heart