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Still Holding On	By : Lissa Category: AtS/BtVS Crossovers > Het - Male/Female > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 1413 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Disclaimer: I own nothing�

Summary: Set about three years after the �Angel� finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can�t handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it�s not as easy as it seems�

Rating: R

Author�s Notes: Just to warn everybody, this story does deal with a Buffy/Faith relationship� Hopefully, that won�t discourage any of you from reading it�

Distribution: If ya want it, take it, just give me credit� And, if ya could, let me know where it�s going.

Feedback: You can send it to brock3005@aol.com or otownfan1520@yahoo.com.

~*~*~*~

Chapter 1: Lover After Me

With a sharp gasp, Buffy jerked up in bed; the memories bringing tears to her eyes. It had been almost three years since she�d left him, and the memory only got stronger with time. Sometimes she found herself wondering whether she had done the right thing� And Dawn certainly hadn�t agreed with her. She�d said it had been selfish and cruel. That eventually Buffy would regret her decision, but by that time it would be too late� And at times she did regret it. Probably always would�

�Buffy, honey, what�s wrong?�

The gentle voice broke into her thoughts and she smiled softly as she turned to look at the beautiful brunette who lay beside her. �I�m okay, Faith.� she assured her lover as she settled back in beside the younger Slayer. �Just a bad dream.�

�You alright now, baby?� Faith questioned softly as she moved to wrap her arms around her blonde lover.

When Buffy felt Faith�s arms around her, she tensed noticeably, and then immediately winced. She had done it again. Every time she dreamt about Spike, she would shy away from Faith whenever she attempted to offer any form of physical comfort. And each time, it tore Faith up inside, and that killed Buffy. She hated to hurt Faith, and yet each and every time, she did�

�Right.� Faith muttered resentfully, pulling away from Buffy and throwing the covers off of herself as she climbed out of bed.

�Faith, baby, I�m sorry�� Buffy apologized, her voice pleading as she got out of bed and moved towards the brunette. �Honey, where are you going?� she questioned as she watched Faith throw on one of her too tight t-shirts and a pair of blue jeans. �Faith, stop this. It�s the middle of the night.�

�No offense, B, but I really need to go blow off some steam.� Faith threw back bitterly, turning and moving toward the door.

�Faith, I�m sorry!� Buffy cried out, taking a couple of steps closer to Faith, whose hand was now on the doorknob.

Shaking her head, Faith slowly turned back toward Buffy. �You just don�t get it, do you?! Buffy, I love you, but I don�t particularly enjoy taking a backseat to some guy you dumped almost three years ago!�

�I know that, baby.� Buffy told her soothingly, her voice taking on an almost sensual tone as she moved closer to her lover. Trailing her fingers gently up Faith�s sides, she smiled seductively. �Promise I�ll make it up to you��

For a moment, Faith fell for it and moved farther into Buffy�s embrace. And when Buffy�s lips met hers, she nearly lost her train of thought completely. But when the blonde pulled away slightly and moved her hand to rest gently against Faith�s cheek as she whispered a soft, �I�m sorry�, Faith suddenly remembered exactly why she was angry.

Pulling away almost violently, Faith turned on Buffy, eyes flaring with anger. �I�m sorry!� she mocked harshly, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. �You keep saying that, Buffy! Every single night this happens, and every single night you say sorry! It�s getting kinda old!�

�Faith, would you please just calm down.� Buffy begged, her eyes welling with tears. This certainly wasn�t good. Faith had never been this angry with her� At least not since they�d gotten together�

Taking a deep breath, Faith blinked back her tears and bit her lip in thought. When she looked up at Buffy, she sighed deeply . �You�re right.� she told Buffy calmly, seating herself on the end of the bed. �I�m calm, okay� but I really think we need to have a serious talk about this, Buffy.�

�I know we do.� Buffy agreed softly, sitting down next to the brunette. �And it�s long overdue, it�s just� I don�t know what to say��

�Honey, I love you. I have for a long time now, but I can�t do this anymore.�

�Faith, I--�

�Do you still love him?� Faith cut her off softly. When Buffy paused for a moment to think about it, Faith shook her head and placed a gentle hand on the blond Slayer�s, entwining their fingers. �Baby, don�t think about it. Just tell me how you feel��

With a sigh, Buffy glanced down at their joined hands. �Yes. Yes, I still love him.� she looked back up, locking eyes with Faith, her tears threatening to fall at any moment. �But that doesn�t mean I don�t love you, Faith. Because I do love you� so much��

�I never doubted that.� Faith assured her with a small smile, as she squeezed Buffy�s hand gently. �But I think you need to find a way to work this whole thing out and decide what you really want. I can�t do this anymore, Buffy. I love you� but I can�t live like this. I can�t stay with you and constantly wonder what would happen if he were to come back.�

Fear filled Buffy�s eyes at Faith�s last comment, and a single tear slipped down her cheek. �Are you saying you�re leaving me?�

�Oh, Buffy� God, no. Baby, that�s not what I meant.� Gently, Faith wiped away Buffy�s tear and let her hand rest on her lover�s cheek. After a moment, seeing Buffy�s uncertainty grow, Faith took the blond into her arms and held her close, stroking her hair soothingly. �I swear to you I won�t leave. I just want you to sort this out. I promise I�ll be right here by your side the whole time. But if you find him, and you decide you want to be with him�� Faith pulled away slightly, locking eyes with the older girl, �I won�t stand in your way, either��

With a soft smile, Buffy kissed Faith lightly. �I love you, Faith��

�Love you, too, B�� Moving away from Buffy, Faith made herself comfortable in bed. �How �bout we get some sleep��

�Yeah�� Buffy agreed with a nod and light giggle.

When Faith opened her arms to her lover, Buffy immediately snuggled back into them, enjoying the intimacy they shared. She hated fighting with Faith, but once they were back to cuddling, she knew everything would be okay�

So with a smile and a goodnight kiss, the two Slayers fell fast asleep in one another�s arms�

~*~*~*~

�Honey, have you seen my coat?!� Spike called, still searching the closet for his trademark leather duster.

His life had changed considerably since he had lost Buffy. For two years, he had been living with his new love, Samantha. Sam was a beautiful, confident, strong woman in her late thirties� She was also the mother of three children. At fifteen, Krystal was the eldest� And a handful. She was rebellious, had difficulty making friends� Which was really nothing new to Spike, considering all the time he�d spent with Dawn over the years� The two youngest were twins, Aiden and Alana. At only four years old, they had instantly bonded with Spike and, for the most part, he was the only father they had ever known�

Most of the time, he was happy here� But there were still those moments when he could think of nothing other than Buffy. In fact, last night had been one of those times. A time when he would dig out the old pictures of his ex, and cry for hours. Sometimes, he would write in a journal he�d kept since the day she�d walked away. There were times he missed her more than he�d ever thought possible. There were times when he was furious with her for walking away. There were times he wished he had never met her� But through it all, he never stopped loving her.

And he never would�

�Honey?!� he called once more, spinning around as he closed the closet doors.

When he glanced up, he was met with Sam�s teary eyes. She looked so torn apart, standing there in front of him� She was completely vulnerable, and all he wanted to do was take her into his arms and comfort her. But something was keeping him from doing it�

�Do you have any idea how much this hurts?� Sam questioned, her tears flowing freely as she stared intensely at the man she loved.

It was at that moment that Spike realized exactly what he had done wrong. Grasped tightly in her right hand, Sam held a picture of Buffy. One he had pulled out the night before� And had apparently left out. Which was something he did far more often than he should have. And each time it hurt Samantha all the more.

When it came to Spike�s relationship with Buffy, Sam had never been particularly confident in herself. Though she was beautiful, she failed to understand why in the world Spike would have chosen her over the pretty blond. Despite Spike�s assurance that she was just as beautiful as Buffy, Sam simply couldn�t shake the feeling that she would never live up to Spike�s expectations� And when she found the girl�s pictures lying around her house, it only magnified her feelings of insecurity.

�Sam, honey�� Immediately, he moved to her, his eyes reflecting regret as he attempted to take her into his arms gently. �I�m so sorry��

When he touched her, however, she pulled away. �Every time�� she murmured, tears slipping slowly from her eyes. �Every time I think you�re over her, I find this! Why can�t you just let her go, Will?! Do you really think so little of me, that you�re going to let me suffer like this for the rest of my life?!�

�Sam, it�s not like that� I love you�� Spike pleaded, placing a gentle hand on her elbow; obviously hurt when she pulled away once more.

�Well, you know, sometimes I just don�t feel that anymore.� she argued, her voice filled with pain as she crossed her arms over her chest defensively. When she saw how wounded he looked, her expression immediately softened and she sighed deeply. "Look, William, I know you love me, and I know you love the kids� but it really does hurt to know that you don�t love us with your whole heart. And that you probably never will. I mean, come on� We�ve been togetfor for two years! And it�s been three since she left you! Can�t you just let her go?�

�It�s not that easy�� Spike told her softly, taking a seat at the kitchen table; Sam sitting next to him after a moment and watching him expectantly. Gently, he took her hand in his and squeezed it lightly. �Sam, honey, I know my feelings for Buffy hurt you, but I can�t just make them disappear. Trust me, I�ve tried that� It doesn�t work that way. Buffy was the first woman I ever truly loved, and that�s not something I can just let go of. And it�s not something I want to let go� I�m sorry, Sam, but I love her, and I always will. I won�t just let her go. Not completely� Not the way you want me to��

For a moment, she remained silent; staring blankly at their joined hands. Then, her eyes met his and she sighed once again. �Will, I think maybe we need a little time apart�� she told him, pulling her hand from his. When she saw the hurt in his eyes, she almost regretted her decision. �Look, I�m not saying it�s over� I�m just saying we need a little time to sort this whole thing out��

�You�re right�� he agreed reluctantly. �I�ll go get some of my things together and find someplace to stay��

~*~*~*~

�So�� Faith began, as she leaned against the kitchen counter. �How�re you planning to find him?�

Sighing, Buffy turned to her. �Faith, look, I don�t know--�

�Don�t you dare!� Faith stopped her, glaring when she caught the hesitant tone in her lover�s voice. �You are not going to back out of this!�

�Faith, I don�t think I can do it� I haven�t seen him in years!�

�Damnit, Buffy! That doesn�t matter!� Faith exclaimed, her voice shrill with anger. �You love him, and you need to sort this out! Otherwise, I�m gone!�

�Excuse me?!� Buffy questioned angrily. �Last night, was I just hearing things or did you promise me that no matter what happened, you�d be here beside me?!�

�No!� Faith argued loudly, throwing her arms out in exasperation. �I swore that I would stand by you when you went to see him in order to figure out exactly what it is you want! I am not going to spend the rest of my life playing second best to a man that you�re never going to let go of without some sort of closure!�

For a moment, Buffy just stared at her blankly, unsure of how to answer. It was at that moment that she heard Dawn�s voice break through her thoughts, saving her, at least for the moment�

�Knew we should�ve called first.�

The familiar voice immediately put a smile on Buffy�s face. It had been far too long since she�d seen her baby sister. Since Dawn had finished high school, and started college, her visits had been few and far between. Though she called almost every night, it wasn�t the same as seeing her everyday. Now she knew exactly how her mother must have felt all those years ago when Buffy herself had taken off for college. When Dawn had gone away to college, Michael, her high school boyfriend of almost the entire two years, had followed her there, and very recently, the couple had become engaged.

When Buffy turned to face her sister and Michael, her smile only grew at the sight of the couple who stood there, hand in hand. �Dawnie!� she squealed happily, before sweeping her sister into a bear hug. After releasing Dawn, she moved to hug Michael as well, though much more gently.

Once she had finished laughing at Buffy, Dawn moved to give Faith a hug; afterward shooting her a sympathetic smile. Dawn knew exactly what her sister�s girlfriend had to endure, because, before Faith and Buffy had gotten together, Dawn had been the shoulder to cry on� And then, one day, Faith had finally made the decision that Buffy was going to tell her exactly what was bothering her, no matter what it took� And it had taken a lot. In fact, Faith had very nearly had to beat it out of the older Slayer� But once Buffy had finally let the floodgates open, she had fallen into Faith�s arms, and from that moment on the couple had been all but inseparable. After they had gotten together, Buffy�s spirits had quickly picked up and she had seemed happy again. Everyone who had initially objected (namely Xander and Giles) had reconsidered their position and had decided to accept the relationship. Still, as happy as the two appeared, Dawn knew that below the surface the past was relentlessly torturing the two. Despite Buffy�s love for Faith, Dawn knew that the love her sister felt for Spike was far stronger and always would be� Which was exactly why Dawn had never understood Buffy�s decision to leave him� But when Buffy had made up her mind, there was no arguing with her�

Besides, Dawn wasn�t exactly all too fond of Spike anymore, and she hadn�t been since the day she�d discovered he had come back� Because she hadn�t heard a word from him since�

�Buffy?� Dawn requested gently, pulling her sister�s attention away from Michael. �Could I see you in the other room for a minute? Please��

It took Buffy a moment to agree, but she quickly covered it up with an artificial smile and stepped into the living room, closely followed by her little sister. �What is it, Dawn?� she questioned in exasperation. She knew exactly what she was going to hear, and she simply didn�t want to.

For a moment, Dawn just studied her sister carefully. It didn�t take long for Buffy to cross her arms over her chest, the maneuver clearly a defense mechanism. �Why were you guys fighting in there?� When Buffy simply bit her lip and let her eyes fall to the floor, Dawn knew that her suspicions had been confirmed. �It was Spike again, wasn�t it?�

�Dawn, I don�t know what to do.� Buffy sighed in defeat, as she fell back into the cushions of the couch, sadness suddenly sweeping over her pretty features. �Faith wants me to see him. She says I should go to him and sort this all out� Dawn, she�s threatening to leave me.�

With a sad, sympathetic smile, Dawn sat beside her sister. �Can you blame her?�

�I know, Dawn. I know that Faith has every right to hate me right now. I know that I�m the one who left him. I know that I�m not supposed to love him anymore� But I do. I can�t help loving him the way I do. Dawnie, I miss him so much, and I know Faith�s right about this, but I don�t even know where to start looking�� Buffy told her sister, her voice desperate with emotion.

After a moment, Dawn�s eyes met with Buffy�s and she reached out and grabbed a pad and pen from the coffee table. Quickly, she jotted down a few short pieces of information, before handing it over to Buffy. �Start there. That�s where he was the last time I called Angel. It�s been awhile, so he may not be anywhere near there, but it�s a start��

And with that, Dawn stood and moved back out to the kitchen, leaving Buffy to sit and contemplate the information in her hands�

~*~*~*~

With a shaking hand, he raised the phone to his ear, and carefully dialed the numbers. As soon as he heard the first ring, he considered hanging up� However, when he glanced around, he saw nothing but the lonely hotel room that surrounded him, and he wanted nothing more than to be back home, with the family he had come to love� And as much as he wished he could erase Buffy from is mind, he knew that it would never happen. Not as long as he felt there was still some chance for the two of them�

So instead, he stayed on the line� waiting�

When he heard the familiar voice on the other end, he sighed, whether in relief of frustration, even he wasn�t completely sure� �Angel� Yeah, it�s me� Look, I need to find her� I understand that� All I�m looking for is a phone number� Please�� He knew his voice betrayed his desperation, but at that moment, he couldn�t have cared less� He was going to go through with this�

Even if it killed him�

~*~*~*~

For a long time, Buffy simply sat, staring down at the paper in her hand� The paper that would eventually help to determine the rest of her life� Again, and again, she read it over.

This was it� If she dialed that number, and Spike was the one on the other line, there would be no turning back. Then again, she was pretty sure there was already no turning back� She held the key to everything she had ever wanted in the palm of her hand� Even she wasn�t stupid enough to let that go� Not again, anyway�

So with trembling fingers, she carefully dialed the number on the paper in her hand. She was terrified� What if he didn�t want to speak to her? What if he hated her for walking away? And what if he had moved on? Not that she would blame him for doing so� After all, she had done just that after she�d walked out on him�

After a few minutes, however, it became clear to her that no one was going to pick up� And it had Buffy very near to tears. With a frustrated sigh, she slammed down the phone, as she choked out an aggravated laugh. Then, after only moments of thought, she took off up the steps as quickly as she could.

When she came back through the kitchen, her pace hurried and a bag thrown over her shoulder, everyone looked at her as though she had lost her mind. At that moment, however, she couldn�t have cared less. Her mind was made up, and she wasn�t turning back�

�Where�re you going?� Faith questioned, confused.

�New York.� Buffy threw back over her shoulder. �Don�t wait up.�

When Faith turned her confused gaze on Dawn, the younger girl let a small smile slip. �She�s going to find Spike��

~*~*~*~

It had taken him a long time to convince Angel to give him Buffy�s information, and now that he had it, Spike simply sat and stared at the phone. For hours, he just sat there, unsure of exactly how he should go about this� Though it had taken a lot for him to realize it, he knew now that he wanted nothing more than to see her again. Even if it was only to be sure it was over. He needed closure, and there was only one way to get it�

�Fuck this.� he spat, dingding and grabbing his duster from the back of the chair. There was only one way to do this, and it sure as hell wasn�t over the phone�

Grabbing his car keys as he threw open the door, Spike walked briskly down the hall to the elevator. There he waited impatiently, all the fears and emotions rushing through him making him all the more irritable. With a low growl, he hit the button again, his foot tapping loudly on the hard wood floor. Just as he was about to turn and go for the stairs, the doors in front of him slid open, and there before him stood�

�Buffy?�

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Still Holding On