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Who Says Nothing Can Defeat the Penis?	By : QueenB Category: BtVS AU/AR > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Willow Views: 8116 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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It had taken some insistence but Willow had convinced Buffy to lay off patrolling for the next few nights at least. She pointed out that Ms. Lerman was probably keeping tabs on Buffy. She couldn’t afford to mess things up by “unorthodox” activities.
“Willow, I really don’t think the woman is going to have me watched at night or anything.”
Willow sipped at her Coke. “You never can tell, Buffy. These government agents are very tricky.”
Xander nodded vigorously. “Yeah, Buff. They are heavy on the wiliness. I’m not talking about Wile E. Coyote wiliness either. I’m talking X-File tactics. You want to make sure this woman sees you have a perfectly normal home life.”
Buffy couldn’t help a tiny smile at that. “I don’t know, Xander. I get the feeling her ideas of ‘normalcy’ are a little broader than most people’s.”
Anya gave her a questioning look. “You think she might accept the fact that you keep company with vampires, witches and ex-demons?”
“Actually, I was referring to her pro-gay stance,” Buffy murmured while bobbing her head to the music.
Willow grinned at the other two. “Yeah, you should have heard her. I thought Buffy was going to explode, she was getting so red in the face.”
Buffy glared at her. “Look who’s talking, ‘honey.’” She locked eyes with Willow. There it was again, that thing, whatever it was, that had caused the redhead’s finger to remain when she wiped away that cream from her cheek. For a long instant, the sounds in the Bronze seemed to fade away as the two women stared at each other. The air seemed to vibrate with hidden tension. Willow felt her breathing getting heavier as they unconsciously leaned closer together.
Then Xander said, unwittingly breaking the mood, “I was thinking that we should run a little interference between her and a certain chipped vampire.”
Buffy blinked and started back as Anya nodded. “Xander’s right. I don’t think Doris quite approved of Spike when she came to your house, did she?”
Willow babbled, trying to get back into the swing of conversation. “Well, I-I had Tara throw up the de-invite spell at the house so we can keep him out while that woman’s around.”
Anya rubbed her chin in thought. “That’s okay for the house but what if he comes to the Magic Box? I mean, the woman’s going to want to see the places you hang out, right? If she comes to the shop, I want to be able to keep Spike out of there, too.”
Her fiancé shrugged and took a sip of his beer before answering. “I don’t know, An. We haven’t managed to have much success at keeping the dyed doofus from darkening our door.”
“You can start by removing the ‘Welcome’ sign from the entrance. It basically allows entry to any wandering vampire no matter how many barrier spells you use,” Willow pointed out.
Anya threw her an accusing look. “And why are you just mentioning this now?”
Willow smiled sweetly. “You never seemed all that determined to keep Spike away before.” Willow turned to Buffy and became serious again. “You’ll have to keep him away from Dawn, too.”
“That won’t be easy. You know how fond Dawn is of him. Besides, nowadays whenever I tell to to do something, she does the exact opposite just to torture me.”
“That’s just typical teenage rebelling, Buff. If you tell her that being seen with guys who look like they’re in biker gangs might get her sent to her dad’s, she might come around to your way of thinking.”
The Slayer thought that over for a moment and then nodded. “That might convince her, Wills. But what about me?”
“Look, Willow, I hate to keep suggesting magical alternatives but, short of staking him, how do we keep his Formerly Big Badness from slobbering on the Buffster?”
Willow’s head shot up and she flashed Xander a big grin. “We don’t.”
Xander goggled at her. “And I think I speak for all of us when I say, ‘Whuh?’”
Willow bounced up and down in smug self-satisfaction. “I had Tara whip up some fata morganas.”
“Again, I say ‘Whuh?’”
“They’re mirages,” Anya said matter-of-factly. “I’m not sure how they’ll help, though.”
Willow spoke to Buffy, her words tumbling rapidly over each other. “They’re illusions and glamors all mixed up together. It’s the best kind of magic trick--the easiest to use because it’s so simple. They simply cause Spike to see fake images of Buffy and cloak the real Buffy so he can’t see her. He’ll run himself ragged trying to get the real Buffy only he won’t be able to find her. It’s perfect.”
Buffy weakly returned Willow’s happy grin. “That’s a terrific Willow-plan. It’s too bad we can’t use it permanently. But won’t he see through them eventually?”
“That’s where the glamour comes in. The spell makes these things irresistible. Spike won’t be able to keep from going after them.”
“Yeah, we all know how Spike likes playing with substitute-Buffys,” Xander quipped. The others laughed at references to Spike’s past sexual misdemeanors.
Buffy leaned back and relaxed a little. Glancing at each of the people seated at the table with her, she realized that she’d missed this, this simple closeness, this quiet chatting. She didn’t have this with Spike. No, with Spike there was always his blabbing on and on about how she belonged in the darkness with him, coupled with violent, thought-erasing sex. In his narrow-minded view, there was no room for him to fit in with the Scoobies.
She frowned, remembering her talk with Willow. What she said made a lot of sense; Spike was trying to separate her from her friends.
Oh, but would they still be friends if they knew what you were getting up to at night on your patrols? What would they all think of her if they found out about her nocturnal groin sessions with the blonde demon? Her smile faded a little. The now-familiar feeling of coldness was beginning to seep through her again.
She stood up abruptly, taking the others by surprise. “You know what, guys? It’s getting real late. I should get home, relieve Tara of Dawn-sitting duty. If that Lerman woman is keeping a watch on me, I can’t afford to stay out too late. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
Willow rose, too. “I’ll come with you, Buffy.”
Buffy shook her head impatiently; she was eager to leave her friends and be gone. “No, I don’t want you to cut short your fun just because of me.”
Willow moved closer and lowered her voice so the other couple couldn’t hear her. “Hey, Buffy. I’m here for you, remember?” She ruthlessly squelched the idea that her feelings were based on anything but friendly concern. Nope, no sexually-laden love wackiness here.
Buffy drew in a deep breath. She’d been hoping to ditch Willow so she could run to Spike. For a moment, it sounded as if Willow knew--but that was impossible. She and Spike had been so careful. She searched the woman’s face but saw only ordinary concern--and a hint of something else. She expelled her breath in a soft sigh. “Fine. Let’s go, then.”
The trek home was a quiet one. Both girls had things on their minds but neither could quite bring herself to talk first. “So, Buffy. Anything special happen at work?”
“Nope, not a thing. Anything happen at school?”
“We’re studying the comparisons between different philosophies of thought.”
Buffy threw up her hands in mock-surrender. “I just don’t get philosophy, Will. The one time I tried, it flew right over my head. I guess it always will now that I’m out of the learning loop.”
Willow stopped walking and glared at her. “Cut it out, Buffy. I remember your SAT scores from back in high school. You are not stupid. When Giles took your Slayer powers from you, you were smart enough to kill that lunatic vampire all on your own. You figured out that Spike was manipulating all of us when he sided with Adam. You went to work on your own in Los Angeles for a whole summer, for goodness sake! If you want to, you can go back to college when you’re older. You can apply for grants. You do have options here!”
Buffy was taken aback by Willow’s sudden flare of temper “I never said I thought I was stupid. It just--well, it just seems as if my choices in life are extremely limited. I mean, look at me. I’m working in a fast food joint because I couldn’t make a go of anything else. Other than the Slaying, what am I good for?”
Willow wanted to shake her; she was getting a little fed up with her self-pity. Was this what being with Spike had reduced her to? “You’re choices aren’t limited. Don’t let anybody else tell you different. There’s more to life for you than the Hellmouth. You’re way too young to give up on yourself so easily.”
The two women stood looking at each other in silence for a moment. Shaking off the change in mood, Buffy asked with a forced brightness she wasn’t at all sure she felt, “Are you up for another donut run?”
Too late she realized what she’d just said and flushed scarlet. All at once she couldn’t look Willow in the eye. The other woman quickly picked up on her discomfort. She replied hastily, “Nah. Let’s just head home, dig some of last night’s donuts out of the fridge.” “That’s only if Dawn hasn’t eaten them all.” The two half-ran half-jogged home.
__________
Dawn was laboring through her math homework. “I so do not get algebra. It’s even worse than history. I can get learning about dead presidents. I mean, I’ll probably need to know about the electoral system when I’m old enough to vote, but who except scientists like that wheelchair guy ever uses algebra?”
Tara smiled sympathetically at the frustrated girl. “His name’s Stephen Hawkins. And I’m sure I don’t know, Dawn. But this is something you need to learn for your test next week. You can’t afford to let your grades slip anymore--not with that Ms. Lerman breathing down your neck.”
Dawn pulled a face. “Can’t you find a way to get rid of her? You know…” She made a suggestive gesture with her fingers.
Tara gave her a stern look. “NO, Dawn. That’s treading really close to black magic. It’s the sort of thing that got Willow in such trouble. Besides, we’re talking about the government here. No matter how many magic spells we used to get rid of one, more would just keep popping up. And not all of them would be as nice as Ms. Lerman.”
“Nice! What’s so nice about someone who’s trying to break up a family?”
“She’s not trying to break up this family. She’s just checking to see that the best possible care is being given to you. I was referring to the fact that she seems to be very tolerant about alternative lifestyles.”
Dawn hid a grin as she bent over her math book. “It’s too bad she didn’t come along when you and Willow were still together.” At the tense silence that followed, Dawn looked up and saw the closed expression on Tara’s face. She mentally kicked herself. “I’m sorry, Tara, I didn’t mean…”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to avoid talking about her. I do see her every day, after all.”
A sharp rapping at the door broke the uncomfortable mood. Tara said, “I’ll get it” and marched to the door. She frowned after she opened it. “Spike. What do you want?”
“I’m looking for the Slayer. She here?”
Tara answered, “I haven’t seen her. She might have gone on patrol after work.”
“I think I’ll just hang out here ‘til she arrives. You don’t mind, do you?” Without waiting for an answer, he tried to step across the threshold only to be brought up short by the invisible barrier she’d erected. His surprise quickly turned to anger. “Oi, what is this?” He glared at Tara’s defiant look. “You did this, didn’t you? What’s the bleedin’ idea?”
Tara inwardly quailed before Spike’s fierce glare but she remembered Willow’s explanation and stood firm. “We had another social worker come around this afternoon. Buffy thought…”
Spike interrupted, “Oh, this is her idea? I don’t think so. Buffy would have told me about it. So what’s really going on?”
“Maybe Buffy was too busy. You know, getting on with her life.” Willow’s cool rejoinder came from the end of the driveway.
Spike narrowed his eyes at her. Then he sniffed the air and his eyes widened. He could smell Buffy; she was close but he couldn’t see her at all. Ignoring Willow, he yelled, “Oi! Slayer! Come out! I know you’re there. We need to talk. What’s this about a social worker?”
Willow glanced around with a puzzled look. “Spike? Who’re you talking to? Buffy isn’t here.”
Spike tried to hide his confusion. The others obviously couldn’t see Buffy and he couldn’t either but he was certain she was close. Was she invisible again? “If the Slayer ain’t here, where is she?”
Willow shrugged, “She was at The Bronze with us but that was several minutes ago. She told us she was going on patrol.” She paused while Spike hesitated. “Was there something else you wanted, Spike? ‘Cause I’m hungry and there’s a jelly donut inside with my name on it.”
Spike scowled. There it was again, that slight undercurrent of animosity he’d noted last night. He wondered if it had anything to do with what he’d seen when they were strolling home. “Yeah. What’s with the barrier, Red? This your idea?”
“Actually, it’s Buffy’s. Like Tara said, there was a social worker looking in on her. She’s trying to see whether she’s a fit guardian for Dawn. So we’ve had to get rid of certain unsavory elements.”
“And that would be me, I ‘spose.”
Willow smiled gently. “It’s nothing personal, Spike. You’ve spent the better part of a century and a half turning yourself into the image of a rebel.”
Spike threw her one of his patented smirks. “Guilty as charged, Red.”
She nodded as if this were perfectly natural. “Congratulations. You’ve succeeded. Now when anybody respectable sees you, they’re going to see a pimp, hustler, prison escapee or Hell’s Angel member. So we’ve all decided that, you know, just for the time Ms. Lerman is here--you should disappear for a while. We’re only thinking of what’s best for Dawn.”
Spike maintained an arrogant attitude though inwardly he was seething. “Have it your way, Red. But I got to wonder whether you’re trying to get rid of me because of this social worker or whether something else is going on.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Willow snapped.
Spike fixed a shark-like smile on his face that had nothing to do with humor. “I saw the two of you after your little donut run. You and the Slayer are getting quite cozy, aren’ you? What would your ex here think if she’d seen the two of you?”
The red-haired woman’s eyes narrowed and a dangerous look crept into them, “You have something to say, Spike, say it. But let me tell you something. We’re on to your little tricks. We haven’t forgotten the Adam fiasco. Or that nasty trick you pulled with Riley. You try driving us apart with any more of this poisonous crap and you’ll find yourself in serious trouble.”
Spike looked her up and down and sneered, “Just what are you gonna do? Thought you’d sworn off the magic kick, Red.”
“She may have but I haven’t,” Tara said in a low voice. “Don’t cross us, Spike. We’ve barred you from our homes. Don’t make things any worse for yourself than they already are.”
Spike’s gaze swung between the two white-faced women and then he pushed past Willow. Just as he moved past her, he growled in a voice that was almost a whisper. “This isn’t over, Red. You can’t keep her from me forever.”
The two watched him cross the street and stride away. When he was out of sight, Willow ran into the house. She waited and then slammed the front door behind her.
Spike hid out of sight for a moment and then doubled back. He’d been sure he’d smelt Buffy’s distinctive odor. But now it was gone. It was as if she’d somehow brushed by him and gone into the house.
He disappeared into the darkness and inched quietly around the house. He found one of the windows slightly open and crept close to listen. He could just make out the voices coming from inside the house.
“Is he gone, Willow?” There was a slight pause.
“Yeah, Tara. I saw him go across the street. I kinda lost sight of him. He’s probably going to hit the graveyards looking for her.”
There was another pause and then Tara spoke again. “Do you mind telling me what that was all about? What was that he said about you and Buffy?”
“Nothing happened between Buffy and me except that we had donuts. Spike’s just causing trouble the way he usually does. Tell him, Buffy.” Spike started. So Buffy was there. The blonde bint had lied to him!
“Willow’s right, Tara. It was just, you know, I’d gotten a smudge on my cheek and then Willow brushed it off. Spike’s blowing it out of proportion in order to tick you off. He was probably hoping you’d invite him into the house so you could hear the details.”
There was more silence and then Tara spoke, a harsh, bitter note in her voice. “I think that’s a load of bullshit. You’ve been acting really weird about Spike, Willow, and I’m starting to think it’s because you’re jealous of him. Maybe the reason you had me throw up the de-invite spell here was so you and Buffy could carry on under my nose without Spike in the way.”
“That is so not true!” Ooh, the redhead sounded upset and guilty. This was shaping up into a fine little set-to.
“Come on, Tara, that’s just what Spike wants you to think. He’d love for us to be at each other’s throats. And even if that’s what Willow wanted, you know I wouldn’t.”
There was a sound of something crashing to the floor. “Hey, don’t throw things in my house! Break your own stuff!”
“Fine! I’m leaving. You two can play kissyface all by yourselves.” The door opened and Spike darted to look around the corner of the house. Tara came running out brushing away angry tears from her eyes.
Shortly after, Buffy came storming out of the house with Willow in hot pursuit. “Buffy! Where are you going?”
“Out on patrol. I-I have to think and I really don’t want to be around you right now.”
“Buffy, wait! Don’t go!” The Slayer disappeared into the darkness. Willow hesitated as if debating whether to go after her and then slowly went back inside, closing the door behind her.
Spike grinned. This was even better than he’d hoped. All three females were brassed off and on the outs with each other. Getting Buffy back should be a breeze. He waited for her to get a little ways ahead and then loped off into darkness after her.
Tara and Willow looked at Buffy anxiously. She nodded and they all visibly relaxed. She was spending so much time around Spike now, she could easily tell whenever he was in the vicinity.
Willow grinned and turned to Buffy. “See? I hate to be of the I-told-you-so-ness, but it really worked! He couldn’t see you at all. And he was totally fooled by all those glamours that just went marching out the door.”
Buffy sagged onto the couch. All of their conversation after they entered the house had been an act designed to throw Spike off the scent and apparently it had worked. It had been all she could do to hold her tongue while Spike was talking about her and Willow.
He’d known she was there, too; it’d been hard being so close to him and not touching him. It was almost like when she’d been invisible and attacked him in his crypt. She shuddered; she couldn’t believe she’d done something that stupid. It was just making matters worse going to him like that. And the humiliation of being thrown out afterwards!
Tara turned to Willow with a troubled expression on her face. “Willow, do you think talking to him like that was smart?”
Willow gave her an innocent look. “Talking to him like what? I think I was really mega-cool--considering. Okay, maybe the magical cravings are making me a little cranky but I’m handling it.”
The blonde wiccan wasn’t fooled. “You know what I mean. You were rude to him and it wasn’t just about the social worker. Lately whenever you talk about Spike, you sound really…I don’t know, kinda…ticked off. Is anything he said true?”
Willow sighed; her ex-lover knew her too well. “Yes, we did go out for donuts. But nothing else happened. And even if it did--well, you and I aren’t together any more but you heard Buffy. She wouldn’t be interested. Right?” Willow felt acutely aware of Buffy’s presence in the room. She’d been thinking about Buffy ever since that night. She couldn’t get the image of the blonde Slayer standing in front of her, Willow’s finger pressed against her lip, out of her mind. She didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed when Buffy nodded, confirming her last statement.
“Willow’s right, Tara. Don’t let Spike get to you.”
Tara wavered a little. She was sure there was weirdness going on, she just couldn’t figure out what it was. “Then if it isn’t about the two of you, what is it? Why do you all of a sudden hate him so much?”
Willow threw up her hands. “I don’t hate him! Though he’s just given me a good reason to go all Hellmouthy on him. I’m just thinking of what’s best for Dawn. It’s bad for her to be around him right now. If I hurt his feelings a little, he can take it. Besides, it’s not as if he’s ever spared us in the past. You can’t treat people like dirt and expect to be treated like a prince.”
Buffy’s foot twitched a little. She was antsy; she wanted to get out on patrol. Seeing her magical doppelganger run out that door reminded her how much she herself missed it.
But she reluctantly conceded that it might be better to stay indoors. Spike was out there now; it’d be bad if she accidentally ran into him while he was on the trail of the false Buffy. Plus she had to face Ms. Lerman again tomorrow anyway for a “followup interview.”
She sighed; that wasn’t going to be any picnic. The woman wanted to meet more of her friends and decide if they were positive influences on Dawn. Wonder what she’d think if she knew Dawn hung out with witches, ex-demons and vamps. Oh my.
Shaking herself out of those thoughts, she said, “So, Tara, is there anything to eat in the fridge or are we ordering out again?”
Tara eyed Willow while she answered absently. “I think there’s still some leftover pasta. We can nuke some of that in the microwave while I toss more salad.”
Buffy jumped up, glad of the excuse to do something. “Nope, I can make with the nuking. After flipping veggies disguised as meat all day, I think I can whip up a mean green mess of roughage.” She went off into the kitchen humming tunelessly under her breath.
Tara waited until she was out of earshot and then turned to her ex-girlfriend. “Okay, Willow, spill it.”
“Spill what?”
Tara crossed her arms and glared. “Don’t give me that. I get the definite feeling there’s something personal going on between you and Spike. If it’s not about Buffy, then what is it? What’s he done? Has he--hurt you?” Her voice lowered as she spoke and her eyes got icy. She may not have been dating Willow anymore but she still cared about her. If Spike had tried to injure her in any way, she’d see to it that he paid dearly.
Willow’s heart did a little flipflop when she heard the protective note in Tara’s voice. It was wonderful to know the blonde girl still cared for her after all she’d done to ruin their relationship. A few nights ago, she would have given anything to hear her talk that way.
She tried for a lighthearted tone. “It’s nothing personal, Tara. Well, actually it is. I’m annoyed with the way Spike’s been hovering around Buffy lately. You know how distant and unhappy she’s been since we--since I brought her back. She really needs her friends around not another vampire obsession and Spike’s been trying to wedge himself into her life and the rest of us out of it. You weren’t there for the whole Buffy-and-Angel mess but at its worst, it got really ugly. I don’t want to see a repeat of that--especially with Spike.”
“Willow, that was completely different. Buffy and Angel loved each other. That’s why she gave in. She’d never do that with Spike.”
Boy, that showed what she knew. Hiding her thoughts, Willow and Tara sat on the couch as the red-haired wiccan tried to explain. “In a way that made things harder for them. They both tried to make things work even when it was impossible. And in the end, Angel left because he knew it never could and he was just making things worse for Buffy by sticking around.
“Spike doesn’t have that kind of selflessness. He’ll keep hanging around her, making her life miserable, trying to get rid of us and just generally screwing things up for her. He’s all wrong for her, Tara. I’m just worried that he might, I don’t know, maybe could wear down her defenses until she does something she’d really hate herself for.”
Tara was about to deny this and then she paused. The Buffy they’d been seeing since she’d been resurrected was very different from the girl who’d jumped off the tower last summer. She reluctantly conceded the point. “Maybe you’re right.” She scrutinized Willow’s face. “You know, Willow, if you really were attracted to Buffy, I wouldn’t mind.”
“I’m not attracted, really, I’m--wait, what do you mean you wouldn’t mind?”
Tara gave a small smile. “Well, maybe a little. We just broke up a short while ago and I’d be lying if I said part of me isn’t clinging to the idea that you and I could get back together. But I may be as bad for you as Spike is for Buffy.”
Tara held up a hand to stem Willow’s protest. “I-I’m talking about the magic, Willow. You’re still having a hard time controlling your urges. I can see it even if you’re doing your best to hide it. Being around me and seeing me practicing magic have gotta be rough on you. So I don’t think you and I should get back together. It’s like asking an alcoholic to be around his old drinking buddies. Sooner or later the temptation would be too strong.”
Buffy stood out of sight just beyond the kitchen doorway. Her Slayer senses were much sharper than the others gave her credit for. The girls’s voices had been soft but they’d carried clearly. The thought of her with Willow!
Okay, maybe the idea had occurred to her. Once or twice…or more often. But now it was being discussed as if it were a concrete possibility and the very thought made her head spin.
And there was the other business about Spike. She’d thought the others hadn’t been paying attention to what was going on between her and Spike, but it sounded as if Willow and Tara were coming awfully close to the truth. And Willow was right. Spike was wrong for her, even if he had been there for Dawn.
So why couldn’t she stay away from him?
She sighed deeply. She was suddenly too tired to eat. That familiar heaviness of spirit was starting to pull at her again and the impulse to cure it by running into Spike’s arms came over her like an itch. Geez, was this what Willow felt like while she was trying to get over the hump of using magic? Thinking of the redhead’s daily struggle, she felt stiffening of her inner resolve. If Willow could manage to draw back from the pull of the dark side, so could she. She slapped a bright smile on her face and called out, “Hey guys, come and get your dinner! Tell Dawn soup’s on!”
__________

Buffy thought the day would never end. There was the never-ending barrage of customers, flipping the burgers, boiling the fries, taking out the trash and trying to tune out her co-worker droning on and on about the grease build-up in his ears. However, the monotony was nicely broken up by sporadic worrying aboutt Ms. Lerman was learning from her little circle of acquaintances. She could only imagine what Anya was telling her.
Buffy shuddered then straightened with an effort as the doors to the Palace swung open again.
She smiled in genuine relief when Willow came bouncing in. “I’ll have two Doublemeat specials, please, and a strawberry shake.”
Buffy rang up the order and leaned on the counter. “Honestly, Will, I don’t know how you can eat this stuff after--well, you know.”
“Actually, I think they’re really good for you. There can’t be too many fast food places that sell veggie burgers that taste this good.”
Buffy handed her the burgers. “Ah, but that’s because they’re not strictly veggie, are they? They’ve undergone a ‘meat process.’ “ Willow giggled at Buffy’s mock-serious tone. Buffy heard the Doublemeat doors open again and froze. Willow glanced over her shoulder and saw the reasons for her consternation. Ms. Lerman had come through the door.
And peering through the glass windows just behind her was Spike.
__________
Ms. Lerman smiled between the two women. “Hello, Miss Summers. I thought I’d drop in and…”
“You wanted to see where I was working? Well, take a good look at the splendor that is the Doublemeat where cows and chickens come together in a glorious whole.”
Ms. Lerman blinked as if uncertain whether Buffy were being sarcastic. “Actually, I just wanted to try one of the burgers. Is that what’s in them? Beef and chicken?”
“You got it. Would you like fries with that?” Behind Ms. Lerman’s back, Willow had caught Spike’s eye and was making frantic gestures for him to leave. He scowled at her and tried to see where Buffy was. Thanks to the spell, he didn’t realize she was right in front of him. But if he came inside and heard Ms. Lerman speaking to the empty air, he’d soon know something was up.
Buffy tried desperately to get rid of the woman. “Ms. Lerman, I could get you one of the specials. You can have it to go. I’ll even pay for it.”
“Now, really, Miss Summers, if you’re trying to bribe me with a free meal, it’s not necessary. And it wouldn’t work anyway. I only take cash.” There was a moment of silence until Ms. Lerman laughed. “That was a joke, ladies.”
“Oh, I get it. Hahahahahahahaha! Wasn’t that funny, Willow?”
Willow forced a chuckle. “Yeah, woohoo!” When Ms. Lerman tried to turn around to look for a seat, Willow grabbed her arm and pointed at the menu overhead. “Why don’t you try one of the shakes? They’re full of thick creamy goodness. I’ll pay for them.”
“Miss Rosenberg, there’s no need…”
“Oh, I insist.” Willow pulled out her purse and started counting out change. Unfortunately, in her haste to get out her money, she tugged at her purse too hard and coins fell out all over the floor.
As Ms. Lerman and the redhead bent down to pick up the coins, Buffy ducked away from the counter. “Sophie, I have to go out for a second. Can you cover for me?” Not giving her startled co-worker a chance to reply, Buffy ran for the bathroom and hid in one of the stalls.
Ms. Lerman and Willow finished picking up the loose coins when Spike came sauntering in. “Hey, Red, any sign of Buffy?” Willow could have slapped him, she was that furious.
Ms. Lerman glanced up at the mention of Buffy’s name. “Are you looking for Miss Summers?”
Spike gave her a dismissive look and then looked around at the wage slaves behind the Doublemeat counter. “Yeah, I am. What’s it to you?”
Ms. Lerman frowned at his rudeness. “I’m Ms. Lerman. I’m the social worker reviewing Ms. Summers case for the guardianship of her sister Dawn. And you are…?”
“Going!” Willow said brightly.
But Sophie overheard him and said, “I think Buffy may have taken a short break. She asked me to cover for her.”
Spike got an eager expression on his face. He threw Willow a triumphant look. “That’s all I wanted to know. Ta, ladies.” He swept out and headed in the direction of the alley. Willow hoped fervently that Buffy hadn’t decided to meet him, not with Ms. Lerman just a few feet away. As soon as she could ditch the woman, she was going to duck out there and check, Buffy’s secret be damned.
“Willow! Hey, sorry I had to leave so quickly. I just had to duck into the bathroom.” Willow turned around and felt almost dizzy with relief and foolish happiness.
Buffy had come back and was trying to appear casual as Ms. Lerman gave her face a searching look. “Miss Summers, who was that young man and why was he looking for you?”
Buffy babbled, clearly rattled by Spike’s appearance. “Spike? Oh well, he’s…uh, he’s not a boyfriend, if that’s what you’re thinking. He’s more of a--” she floundered a bit, casting an imploring look at her redheaded friend.
Willow cast about wildly for an explanation and then hit on one so obvious, she had to restrain herself from clapping her hands. “He has some rather serious…issues involving Buffy.”
“And what would those issues be, Ms. Rosenberg?”
__________
“Willow said Spike was WHAT?” Xander hooted.
Buffy nodded with glee. She’d gone home with Willow after her shift had ended and walked in on Xander playing cards with Dawn for peanuts. Since she’d started coming home with free burgers (and he’d gotten over his disgust at finding out they were largely made of vegetables), Xander had conveniently shown up at the house every other night.
“Yep, you heard me right. Willow started going on and on about how Spike was gayer than a parade float.”
Willow swayed back and forth, smugly pleased with herself. “I pointed out the obvious signs of Spike’s inclusion as a Friend of Dorothy--the painted nails, the hair, the heavy leather coat. Not to mention the English accent.”
“Willow, don’t you think that’s being a bit on the shallowy side?”
“Xander, how many straight men do you know who paint their nails and dye their hair--?”
“What about wolfman Oz?” Xander chimed in.
“--who aren’t in rock bands?” Willow finished defiantly.
Buffy threw in, “Then Ms. Lerman wanted to know what the blonde menace was doing sniffing around looking for me.”
“That’s when I told her Spike was in the closet, like that Kevin Kline character in In & Out. He was gay; he just didn’t know he was gay.”
Dawn gave a snort of derision. “And she bought that?”
Willow nodded. “Yup. I started throwing all this stuff I learned in psych class at her. That’s the power of higher education, Xander. You can use it to trick the less educated.”
“And I’m sure we all bow before your superior brains, Oh Big Giant Head. Then what happened with Miss Social Worker?”
“I pointed out that some gay men don’t immediately know they’re gay so they start off with having sex with girls, only, because that’s not where their real interests lie, the relationships are usually mundo disasters.”
Buffy chimed in again, eager to carry on the conversation. “Willow brought up Spike’s less-than-stellar sexcapades.”
“I mentioned how one of his ex-girlfriends was a lunatic. Certifiable.” Willow lowered her voice dramatically. “She was even suspected of killing someone.”
“Everyone’s favorite psychic--or should I say psychotic--Drusilla,” Xander interpreted.
Buffy continued, “Then how his next girlfriend was a ditz who was thick as a sack of hammers.”
“Ah, Harmony, queen of the blonde dumbbells.”
“And last, but definitely not least, a woman who was so emotionally remote, she was practically a robot,” Willow finished.
“Say hello to the Buffybot,” Dawn stated smugly.
“But what about Buffy?” Xander asked. “How did you explain the peroxide peril’s obsession with her?”
“I pointed out how the emotionally-challenged ex had a striking resemblance to Buffy, so his panting after her was really transference. And I said that while Buffy was certainly a lot more stable than his previous girlfriends, she’d also undergone a lot of turmoil in her private life. She’d lost her mother; she had bills to pay, a little sister to take care of, a house to maintain and was starting a new job. She’d have no interest in starting a relationship. She’d be certain to reject Spike and push him away--just like all the others did. So by attaching himself to her--”
“--He was really sticking to his gay agenda!” Xander finished triumphantly. “See, Willow, I do get it!”
Willow fidgeted a little. “Yeah. Only that wasn’t the only thing I said to convince her.”
Xander noticed her obvious discomfort as well as Buffy’s barely contained sniggers. “What else, Wills? Is it something super dirty?”
Willow turned a pleading green-eyed gaze on her best friend. “Xander, promise you won’t get mad?”
Xander felt suspicion beginning to overtake him. “Willow, what is it?”
She squirmed under his accusing stare. “I-I kinda told her that since you came into the Doublemeat a lot for free burgers and hung around Buffy a lot and were really cute in a non-threatening way--”
Xander could feel his face turning red as Buffy started snickering around her hand. “Willow. What. Did. You. Tell. Her?”
Willow took a deep breath and then blurted, “ItoldherSpikehadacrushonyou.”
“YOU TOLD HER WHAT?!?!” At his outraged yell, the two Summers girls lost it completely. Buffy and Dawn collapsed helplessly in gales of laughter as Xander gaped in obvious dismay. “Cut it out, you two! This isn’t funny!”
Willow hastened to explain. “Xander, it was the best reason I could think of to clinch the matter. Ms. Lerman hasn’t seen you yet but when she does, I’m sure she’ll totally buy the idea.”
“Why? Because I’m the kind of guy the other guys really go for?”
“No, Xander, that’s not it! It’s just you were so super-supportive when you found out I was a lesbian and Larry thought you were gay and in spite of being with me and Buffy, you never once got groiny with either of us and we always treated you like a big sis--brother--”
“Great! Nice to know you still think of me as being totally one of the girls!” Xander huffed.
Buffy tried unsuccessfully to stifle her laughter. “Xander, I was the one who said that. Willow had a major crush on you for years which you totally ignored, you big goof.” Her eyes lit up with mischief as she continued, “Hey, maybe that was the reason you never hit it off with her.”
While Xander spluttered in protest, it was Willow’s turn to choke back a giggle. “Xander, honestly, we don’t think of you like that. I told Ms. Lerman you were straight as an arrow, straighter even. She knows you’re going to be married soon. I said that part of Spike’s repression was that he not only went after unsuitable women, he also tended to glom onto unattainable straight men. I-I told her you were totally clueless about Spike’s f-feelings for you.”
“Let’s just hope Spike’s clueless about Spike’s feelings for me,” Xander groused.
Dawn’s fits of giggles continued in spite of his glare. “I don’t know, Xander. Spike is kinda cute. Are you telling me you never once thought of--?”
“Not on this or any other side of the Hellmouth! May I say a great big EWWWW! I think Buffy would sooner have sex with Spike than I would.” Xander gave an exaggerated shudder.
Willow punched Xander in the arm to distract him from noticing Buffy’s sudden uncomfortable silence. “Hey, I’m sorry for putting you in harm’s way like that, stud. Let me make it up to you by fixing you a big frosty milkshake.”
Xander pretended to consider it. “Well--make it a chocolate milkshake and I may forgive you.”
As Willow ran to the kitchen to prepare frozen chocolaty treat, Buffy shook her head. “The man’s about to be hitched and he still eats like a teenager. Speaking of marriage, where’s the little woman?”
“I left her at the Magic Box. She’s picking out wedding gowns.”
Dawn asked, “I thought she’d already settled on one?”
“So did I. Apparently, every time she sees one she likes, the wedding gown genie conjures up one that’s even lovelier than the last. I think she wishes she could switch dresses during the ceremony so she could wear her three favorites.”
Buffy felt a smile pulling at her lips again. “Wow, having the bride change clothes in front of the priest--that would give a whole new world of interest to the wedding vows.”
“And it would definitely prove to one and all that I’m not gay!” Xander stated.
“Or it might distract everyone while you pinch the best man’s ass,” Buffy quipped. She ducked as Xander grabbed a sofa cushion and threw it at her.
Willow came out just then with a tray holding four tall cold shakes. “I decided to get shakes for all of us. Everybody grab one; this thing’s heavy.”
They consumed the shakes in companionable silence. Dawn suddenly piped up with “Hey, anybody up for a movie? They’re showing Sleepless in Seattle on HBO.”
“Chick flick alert! No way, I’m looking for some action! How about The Matrix?”
Willow threw a knowing look at Xander. “Why’s that, Xand? You want to get a look at Keanu Reeves? He’s considered to be something of a gay icon since he was in My Own Private Idaho.”
“Okay, just knock it off, everybody! No more zapping of the Zeppo, all right!”
Buffy waved her hands. “Guys, this is all way academic. I couldn’t afford to pay the cable bill so it’s just regular TV. Sorry.”
Everybody’s spirits were momentarily dampened. Then Willow perked up and said, “Ooh, I know! What about a board game? We could play Scrabble.”
Xander swallowed a bit of his milkshake. “Nah, I’m good to go here. You girls can play. I’ll keep score.”

TBC
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