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The Slayer	By : norwalker Category: BtVS AU/AR > FemmeSlash - Female/Female Views: 19613 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 18
- 19
- 20
The Slayer

By Norwalker

Part 19 of a multipart story.

Summary: What if Faith came first? If she were the slayer before Buffy( if Buffy even became a slayer)? Just my take on what might have happened. AU, of course.

Pairings: Not sure yet. You might be surprised.

Rating: M( R )

Disclaimer: Characters depicted in this story, except for original characters created by the author, are the sole property of Mutant Enemy, Fox and Joss Whedon.

1

Cordy makes her way towards her car.

Her body is beginning to shake violently. The night, everything that happened, is starting to catch up to her. Her adrenaline is back to normal, and now she's starting to pay the price.

Reaching her car, she leans heavily against it. She doesn't know what to do, what to feel.

Cordy is torn. On the one hand, after how Faith lost it in the showers, she wants to run far, far away. Climb in bed, grab a teddy bear, and hide shaking under the covers. Seeing Faith go off on Josh like that really scared her. Scared her more than she remembers being scared in her life. If she hadn't intervened, if she hadn't stopped her, she would've beaten Josh to death. She's convinced of it.

Ok, Cordelia. Exactly when did you become brave girl? She might've gone off on you, she was so worked up. Did you think at all? God, she could've killed us both!

Still something had pushed her to intervene, and fortunately Faith backed off. She didn't hit me. She could've, and knocked me into the next town. She didn't. She collapsed… maybe… shit no, she was gonna do it. She was going to kill him…

So, right now, she knows she has to get away, regroup, really think this thing out. God, do I want to be with someone that could make me a grease spot on the floor?

A darker part of her, a part she doesn't acknowledge, has an entirely different take on what happened. It loved watching the violence, it relished it. Watching Faith go off on Josh, beating him down, unleashing her dark impulses, called to something dark in Cordelia herself. It unleashed all sorts of sexual thrills in her, and she felt a strong urge to … Oh god, that's beyond sick. That's depraved…

Still, it's part of her. And while most of her wants to run out of here as fast as she can move, another part keeps her standing still. Wondering.

he almost jumps out of her skin when she turns and sees Faith standing next to her, staring at her.

" God, do you have to do that?" Cordy yells at her. " Hasn't it been scary enough tonight?" She backs off, shivering. Not entirely in fright.

Faith continues to stare at her, seeing her fright. Her stomach churns, realizing she's causing that. She pushes it down.

" I just wanted to see if you were ok. You were kind of zoning out there, " Faith says softly, her tone detached. " I guess you are."

" Yeah… " Cordy feels her throat dry, her heart hammering in her chest. Gotta go, gotta get outta here!" Look, ummm… I'm real grateful to you for saving me, coming along like that. Don't know what you were doing there, but glad you…"

" I was waiting for you. I wanted to talk to you." Faith says. She can almost smell the fear… and something else… rolling off Cordelia.

" Uh… ok, well… anyway, look… I hope you don't mind, but I… really need to get home, you know?" Cordy turns to her car.

" Yeah, I get it," Faith turns away. " See ya."

Cordy sighs. God, she just saved you from getting raped. Or worse. At least you could try to sound grateful. Also? Might be a good idea not to piss her off. Or do you need another example of what she can do when she's really mad?

" Faith, look really, I …"

" Cor? Forget it. It was nothing personal, " Faith lies. " It's still the same deal. So, why pretend anything's changed?"

What're you talking about?" Cordy looks and feels confused." Nothing's changed? I don't get you!" She feels irritated and stupid. What is she babbling about, anyway?

" Look I came tonight to see if we could work things out. But what happened? Just showed me. You can't decide on shit, Cor. You never want what's right in front of you, you're always looking for the better deal. This whole thing happened because you had to have it all, and when things didn't go just you're way? You lost it. God," Faith shakes her head, "I nearly killed that guy tonight, and none of this had to happen."

Cordy feels her gut twist in anger. " What are you saying? This was MY fault? Oh yeah, right. I so wanted a little rape and beating after Homecoming game. Yeah, that's what I wanted." God, you stupid miserable bitch! Yeah, you nearly killed Josh. If I hadn't stopped you. If I hadn't put my life at risk. I mean, you could've so turned on me. God, you're a total nut job. A fucking psycho! And I'm standing here arguing with you. What's wrong with me? Go!

Cordy moves towards the driver door. Taking out her key, she tries to insert it, but fails. Her hand is shaking too badly. Again, she almost loses it when a hand calmly takes hers, guiding it to the lock, and inserts the key, unlocking the door. She looks up at Faith, eyes wide.

Faith shakes her head, sighing heavily. She moves away, to the edge of the car.

"God, even after what happened tonight, you're clueless. You don't know what you want, Cor. God, I'm so sick of it. One day you're running hot, next day you could freeze water by touching it. It's making me…" Faith grabs her head, as if in pain, "…crazy. Just choose one, Cor. You hate me, fine. You love me, fine. But quit this back and forth shit."

Cordy, having opened the door, slams it back shut. She feels her anger rising again.

" What the … you think this is easy for me? This is some kind of game? God, you have NO idea what it's like to be me, you … you waltz into town, thinking your god's gift. You have no idea that some of us gotta work, work hard at what we are. This just doesn't fall drop off the tree, ready to eat. Damn. I have responsibilities, an image. I can't just do what I want. Don't you even get that? And hey, I don't exactly seeing you committing to anything. You can't EVEN say the L word to me. What's that about!?!"

Faith closes her eyes, as if in pain.

" God, I knew this was useless. Why do I waste my breath? You're so hung up on three stupid words." She moves towards Cordelia, who backs off, wide eyed. " Oh god, you idiot. I wouldn't hurt you. Stupid." She shakes her head, but backs away. " Listen, anyone can say that. Anyone can say " I love you". Point is, do they mean it? I don't want to lie to you, Cor. I just don't know. We haven't been together enough to know. Don't you get that?"

She sees Cordy staring at her, wide eyed. And unresponsive. And shaking.

" Pointless. Listen. Decide what you want, Ok? I mean, Cor, what you really want. And then get back to me. Cuz, I'm done here."

She turns suddenly and walks away, not looking back.

Cordy stands there in the night air, shivering from the cool air, anger, fear, and desire. God, how the hell does she do that to me? She curses silently, realizing her body has responded in a way she so didn't want it to.

But Cordy knows one thing. Faith is wrong. She knows what she wants.

To get away from here as fast and as far as possible.

She gets in her car, turns over the ignition, and not caring if she hits something or someone, peels out of the parking lot.

2

A figure emerges from a hiding spot a few cars down. She watches Cordelia's car zoom out of the parking lot. Walking towards the street, she crosses under a street light as she watches the car speed away down the road.

Harmony Kendall smiles to herself. She finally has what she wanted. Proof, real proof about Cordelia and Faith. At last.

So, Cordy. You're one big old lezzy after all, eh? Well, isn't that just too interesting. I wonder how that's going to go over with the rest of the school.

I've been so waiting for this. This is just the thing to knock you off you're high altar, Queen C. And I'm going to so love shoving you off. It's going to be sweet to watch you crash and burn, Cordy, really sweet.

Keep me off the cheerleaders, eh, Cordy? Nice one. Oh, and then make me like the 'mascot'? Really humiliating. But I'm sure you knew that, didn't you? And all these years, treating me like your personal butt monkey. Acting like I was a tard, taking your insults and abuse. Yeah, you've kept me down, but that's so over now. Oh yeah!

Guess what, baby? The worm turns, oh yeah, feel that turning worm. Cuz now I got you, and you're so going down. Cordelia Chase is about to feel what it's like to be kicked. Oh yeah. It's over, All hail, the Queen is dead

Long live the NEW Queen. Oh yeah, I rule!

Harmony starts down the street, humming a tune to herself. Then she stops, looking perplexed.

So, should it like be The Harmonettes? Or the Harmonies? Hmmm… gotta think about that one! God, being Queen is a tough job!

She quietly slips into the night.

3

Faith strides quickly towards Giles and Angel, anxious to get this over, and to go home.

She's tired, she's hurting, and the last thing she wants is a lecture. But fuck me, I know I'm gonna get one anyway, so I might as well get this over. Fuck me, no good deed ever goes unpunished.

Giles, having settled down a bit since rushing over here, having gotten the full story, looks at Faith.

His first instinct is to go to her and hug her, try to soothe her. But that would be wrong, and send the wrong message. Like it or not, I've got to set her some limits.

" Faith, is Ms. Chase all right?" Giles ask, trying to break the silence." Does she require assistance?"

" No, she'll live. A little battered, yeah, but she's ok," Faith's mouth is tight. " Hear the screeching tires? That was her. I think she's mad at me. That's gotta mean she's peachy keen."

Angel looks back and forth at the both of them. He can feel the tension between the two of them; it's thicker than coagulated blood. He knows something's up, but he doesn't have a clue what. It's rather frustrating for him.

" Faith, what happened in there? I mean, we heard the police report, but I… we… would like to hear it from you." Angel moves towards her. " Take your time."

" I told you guys already…." She sighs. Dammit, you got the info, just … fuck… " Look, I was passing the girls locker room. I heard a noise inside…kinda like someone hitting something. I went in to check it out, cuz, well, that's what I do…ya know? And I found Josh holding Cordelia in the shower, yelling at her, and threatening to rape her. I … well, what? I couldn't exactly let that happen… so I stopped him," She looks at Giles. " I subdued him."

" You did more than 'subdue' him, Faith," Giles admonishes her. His face is set. " You beat that boy within an inch of his life. As it is, it's going to be some time before he's fully recovered. I don't understand it. You could've knocked him out, and been done with it. What happened?"

Faith touches the bandage on her head. " Gee, Giles, don't know. I didn't stop to ask why he was beating the hell out of me and Cordelia. I just figured, I better do it first, you know. " She stares at him. " Or maybe you'd prefer I was on the way to the hospital?"

" Faith…" Angel says, " That's enough."

" No, it's all right," Giles sighs. " Faith, I know you were in a stressful situation. I know, and am happy, you stopped that boy from doing what he intended. But you also let your temper get the best of you, and you nearly killed an innocent because of it."

" Innocent?" Faith's eyes go wide." The guy was going to rape her. Did I happen to mention that? Oh, and when that was done, beat her, maybe to death. Where's the innocent in there, Giles? I mean, who's the victim here? Josh? Please!"

"Faith! You know very well what I mean. Josh is a human. It's not your job to be judge, jury and executioner to him. He's subject to human's law. You should've stopped him, and stopped there. But you didn't. You let your temper get out of control, and that's simply not acceptable!"

" Oh, right. But it IS acceptable that a 200 pound 'boy' as you call him, terrorizes, tries to rape and beat a 115 pound girl . That's just peachy, right?"

" Of course it isn't! Stop twisting my words, Faith!" Giles feels the blood rushing to his neck. " You are the slayer, Faith. You've been given extraordinary gifts of strength and healing. You have a responsibility to use those powers judiciously. You cannot let you're temper get out of control like this."

Faith, feeling her anger rise, gets right into Giles' face. " HE WAS GOING TO KILL HER!" She yells at him.

" Faith, that's enough!" Angel grabs her, pulling her back.

She whirls on him, angrily shoving him away. " Dammit, Angel, stay out of this. This is between me and Giles. This doesn't concern you!" She shoves him again, harder. " I'm still angry at you about ratting me out to Giles about the Bronze. So, not feeling like your crap right now!"

"Fine, fine!" Angel puts up his hands, backing away. " Just chill a little, Faith."

Faith looks from Angel to Giles.

" What's up with you two? You're acting like I mugged a little old lady for her bingo money. God! I get some creepy raping shit off the streets, and you're acting like I'm the bad guy here. What's your problem. Either of you?"

" Faith… you're overwrought. That's understandable, considering," Giles tries to smooth things out." I'm simply saying that losing control, this much control, can be dangerous. You're ready to attack me and Angel, and we're simply trying to understand what happened. What happens when you get too upset with Willow, or Xander, or Cordelia?"

" I wasn't attacking you," Faith says quietly, but firmly, "I wouldn't hurt you… or anyone that didn't have it coming…"

" Who determines whose got it coming, Faith?" Angel asks from a safe distance. " You?"

Faith closes her eyes. She counts to 10, then opens them.

"All I'm saying , Faith, is with your power comes responsibility. You have to be more careful." Giles moves a little closer, placing a hand on her arm. " otherwise, you could wind up hurting someone you care about."

" I get it, ok?" She looks at him. Her eyes are hard, a curtain drawn behind them. " I'm not out of control. I … I'm sorry I lost my cool. It won't happen again." She says each word evenly, with the same emphasis. The effect is slightly chilling." I'm tired. Can I go home now?"

Giles realizes anything else he says right now will fall on deaf ears.

" I'll drive you home."

" No, I think I'd rather walk. I need to clear my head."

" Faith, I think it best…"

" I'd rather walk." She says simply, firmly, not accepting any arguments. Not waiting to hear any more, she turns and leaves.

Giles, feeling very small and very useless, watches her go.

That bad feeling is getting bigger and bigger.

4

Giggling is heard in the dimly lit bedroom in the Rosenberg household.

The room is lit only by a single lamp, turned down low; you can barely make out the shape of two bodies moving around underneath the covers.

" No, Xander… not there… there… god, I can't believe it. Do I have to show you everything?" Willow's voice, low but slightly exasperated, calls out.

" Geeze, Will, I can't see anything under here. It's too dark."

" Fine, break the mood," Willow says.

Suddenly, a light is seen under the translucent blanket, and two backlit figures appear as shadows against it.

" Now look," Willow, laying next to Xander, a large pad of paper between them, points out a squiggly trail on the map. " If you move it over there, not there… there, right, there… then it's better! Don't you see that? That trail leads you to the treasure. The other trail leads you to the Vampire Cave, where you get sucked dry. God, I swear sometimes, you so don't pay attention."

"Sorry, Will," Xander says, looking at Willow's hip, which only is covered by a very brief pair of panties." I get distracted."

He reaches over and pats her fanny.

" Xander Harris!" Willow exclaims," keep your mind on the game. We have a treasure to find!"

Xander starts rubbing and patting her butt cheek more attentively. Willow may be genius girl, with loads of geeker like concentration, but she's human too…

" Well, ok, maybe we can… mmmm" Willow is quieted when Xander kisses her.

Both move together, and sit up in the bed, hugging each other tightly. The blanket falls away to reveal both rather in advanced states of undress. Xander is pretty much down his briefs, while Willow is down to her panties and bra.

They've been playing Strip Treasure hunt, a variation on the poker classic. So far it's been a pretty even game… but things seem to be heating up, and the game falls by the wayside.

As their kiss heats up, hand start exploring each other. Little whimpers and moans are heard, and wandering hands start slipping towards secret places…

" XANDER!" Willow pulls back, removing Xander's hand from a most intimate placement." That's naughty!" But she's grinning broadly. " Anyway, I didn't say Simon says, now did I?" She giggles. Teasingly, she slips her hand under his briefs, giving his butt a squeeze.

" Hey, no fair!" Xander protests, but not all that much. He kisses her neck, and she arches it towards his lips.

" Mmmm… that's very nice Xander…" she giggles," and it tickles."

She playfully shoves him back, so he's lying with his head towards the foot of the bed. She looks down on him, wide eyed. Then she crawls on him, straddling his waist.

" I can think of nicer things, however." She starts kissing him, tiny soft kisses all over his face and neck. She starts giving him raspberry kisses on his chest, and Xander busts out laughing.

" God, that tickles, Will," He says. Still, he doesn't stop her. Instead he reaches around, and starts rubbing her back.

Willow comes to his nipple, and playfully sucks it.

" Wow!" Xander says, feeling a strong tingle far below. " I kinda get why girls dig that."

" Hmmm… do you now?" Willow nips at his nipple.

" Ow! Hey!"

" Aw, poor Xander. So tender." She pats his chest lovingly.

" Not fair," Xander pouts, looking at her.

" What?"

" Well, you get to play with my nipples, but you kinda…have yours all hidden…"

" Aw… poor baby," Willow coos. She straightens up, and in a well practiced maneuver, reaches around behind herself, unsnapping the hooks of her brassiere. She shrugs it off, and tosses it away." There, better? What do you think? Do they need a lil sucking too?" She arches her back.

Willow has smallish breasts, but she has dollar sized areolas and long nipples. Their play has had an effect, because they are currently erect, standing proud for Xander's attention.

Xander has that lusty goofy look on his face, and Willow giggles. She wiggles a little.

" Guys… you never get over the breast thing, do you?" She smirks. " Well, what're you waiting for, Xan? Come and get 'em"

" You're sitting on my chest, Will. Kinda hard…"

" Awww…" She leans over, arching her butt up. She teases him by just keeping her breast out of reach. " How ' bout now?"

" Grrr…" Xander growls, and starts to reach up. Willow moves back, and back some more, and finally he's sitting up. He grabs Willow, and lowers his mouth to her breast. Willow arches her back, and cradles his head against her breast.

" Mmmm… yessss… that' s very very nice…hmmmm… mmmm…" She runs her fingers through his hair, encouraging him to be bolder, more aggressive. He responds appropriately and eagerly.

" Mmmm… that's very nice," Willow coos. She happens to look out the window of her bedroom, just in time to see a light come on in the garage apartment. " Hey!"

" Huh?" Xander pulls away, confused. " did I hurt you?"

" No, silly," She says, smiling. " I think Faith just came home."

" What?"

"Faith. She just got home. Wonder what's up?"

5

Faith stands by the door to her apartment, trying to make the key go on the lock.

She's having a very hard time, because her hand is shaking so badly. She leans against the doorframe, trying to catch her breath, calm herself down. Her body feels like lead, and her nerves are popping like crazy under her skin. She's broken out in a cold sweat.

She's never been so scared in all her life.

She's never been so out of control in her life. The very memory of it shakes her deep in her soul.

Watching Josh abusing Cordelia snapped something in her brain. All she knew was red. Red was everywhere, and her mind simply seemed to check out on her. She reacted on gut instinct and on a very primitive, violent level. She wasn't thinking of killing Josh. She wasn't thinking at all. All she knew was she had to stop him. Stop him now. Stop him forever.

The weird thing was? She doesn't regret hurting the bastard. He wasn't human. Not then. I don't care what they say. He was monster, an animal. He was going to hurt her, mess her up, kill her. I had to put him down. I had to. If I hadn't, she would've been dead. He had to…

Stop it! I'm supposed to be sorry? After what he tried to do? Fuck it, and fuck him. I hope he's in lots of pain. I hope he remembers exactly how much he hurts now. I damn well hope that bastard realizes if he ever tries something like that to her again, he won't walk away. I don't care. I don't FUCKING CARE!

he pushes off the wall, and breathing slow breaths, brings herself back down. She pushes the key into the lock, and turning on the light, enters her apartment.

She walks towards the bathroom, shedding clothing as she goes. She doesn't care right now about anything except getting under a hot shower and washing away the dirt, blood and chill she feels. She feels dirty.

Walking into the bathroom, naked, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She smiles grimly.

Already, her slayer healing powers have started kicking in. The lesser bruises have all but disappeared, and the larger ones are beginning to fade. Her lip, cut in the fight, while not healed, is closed and on the mend.

She walks over, and carefully removes the bandage the Paramedics put on her. The scalp wound, so bloody, but shallow, has closed up. Tossing away the bandage, she enters the shower and turns on the water.

Faith lets the hot jet of water stream over her, sighing audibly, trying to shut off her brain. She doesn't want to think, she just wants to 'feel' the fingers of water caress her, pummel her, cleanse her. Slowly, very slowly she feels her muscles begin to unknot. She feels her nerves begin to settle back down. Slowly, the anger, the dark passion, starts to loosen its grip on her emotions. She begins to feel lighter, less dragged down.

She grabs the sponge and begins to soap herself down. The scent of the soap makes her feel better. She vigorously scrubs herself, letting the water wash away the debris of the last few hours.

She grabs a towel, and drying off, walks to the mirror, inspecting her face. I'll live, she grimaces, seeing a few bruises and cuts, but nothing major. She combs out her hair, then pulls it back and ties it in a scrunchie.

Walking to the bedroom, she pulls out a fresh pair of black boxers, and a wife beater, and tossing them on, walks into the living room.

Looking around, she sees her clothes scattered. She starts to pick them up, then just tosses them back down. Fuck it, I'll get it later. She goes the kitchen, retrieves a beer out of the fridge… bless you, fake ID… and carries it with her back into the living room. Turning on the TV for background noise, she plops down, intending to zone out.

But her mind won't cooperate, and she keeps going back to the locker room, and all the attendant crap after.

She doesn't spend time worrying about Josh. She's convinced he got what he had coming; she knew he would've turned the tables, given the chance. No, she doesn’t waste any time thinking about him

What she has burned in her brain are Cordy's reactions. The look in her eyes, the way her whole body told Faith that she was scared of her, totally afraid to be even close to her.

Damn. Goddamn, I'm guessing I really fucked this up. I've never seen her back away before, not like that. Like she was afraid I was going to start beating on her too.

What did you expect, Faith? She saw you lose it. Big time. She probably thinks you're a whack job. A total nut case. Probably glad she got off so cheaply. Probably sitting at home right now, thinking how…

Shit, can't do this. Dammit, I can't do this. Faith sighs, jumping up. Her body restless, needing motion. She begins to pace around. Not going to just run her down. God, if she's thinking of me at all, it's probably in terror.

Why couldn't I just tell her? Why did I have to yell at her in the parking lot? Why couldn't I make her see? I'd never do anything like that to her. I couldn't. I only got so crazy, thinking of what Josh might do to her. I was so angry, I so had to hurt him, put him down, because he might've killed her… the idea of what he was gonna do to her, what she'd be left with… how it would destroy her… made me insane.

But I couldn't tell her that? WHY? WHY?

Stupid, so fucking goddam stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid…

6

Stupid, stupid, stupid…

What was I thinking? God, what was I on? Why did I think there could be something there between us?

We're just too different. For one thing, she's crazy, and I'm sane. That's kind of different.

Cordelia closes her eyes, feeling as if they're burning. She lets out a deep, long sigh.

So, goddamn it why do I love her? Yeah, like majorly can't think of nothing else love her love her?

She gets up, and walks over to her vanity. She checks out her face, then gets out the concealer. She starts applying it to the bruises starting to show.

She nearly killed Josh tonight. Beat him to death. But the worst part? She was totally out of control. She wanted to kill him. I could see it, in her eyes. She wanted to make him die… why? I know he was like… hurting me… but why go so… she could've stopped him with a good punch. But she kept at him. God, the anger that came out… the raw rage. Why was she so angry? What hurt her so bad she had to hurt back like that?

Is she crazy? Did I just not see it before? I don't get it, I just don't get it.

Cordelia, almost automatically, starts putting on her foundation.

She was so tender with me. Oh sure, she beat my bottom red… but that was just play… I mean… it hurt, and maybe just a little scary, but that just made it better. And when she took me, when she … made me a woman, she was so sweet, so attentive. As if it were something so special. So damn…

She reaches for a Kleenex, daubing a tear that rolls out of her eye. " That's right, cry," She murmurs to herself. " That's so very helpful."

She grabs her eyeliner pencil and quickly does her eye makeup.

How do I put that girl, the one that held me and loved me so sweetly, together with the woman that nearly turned Josh into Alpo? Is she like, MPD? I mean, who else might be in there with her?

This is totally nuts. How can I love someone like that?

Then Cordelia remembers how Faith broke down, emotions all over the place. How she held her, how…good it felt, to hold her, try to comfort her. Yeah, and she pushed me away.

Is she afraid I'll see something I don’t like? Is she afraid I won't like her if I see a softer side to her? What was she saying again? " I couldn't let him hurt you". " He was going to hurt you, I had to stop him."

She stopped for a moment, and looked at herself in the mirror. What the hell am I doing? She realizes she's practically finished putting on her makeup. Why did I do that?

She reaches for a Kleenex , to start wiping off her face, when she stops.

Oh my god… her eyes. I remember how scared her eyes were. I thought she was scared for herself. Scared of what she'd done.

That wasn't it at all. She was scared for me. Afraid how I'd react… afraid how I'd be hurt.

That's what it was all about. That's why she got so crazy. She was afraid I'd be… and she couldn't deal … oh my god! Oh my GOD!

I'm the biggest…never mind… just fix it Cor, just fix it.

She looks at her face, and picks up a lipstick. She quickly does her lips, using the Kleenex to blot her lips.

Checking herself in the mirror again, satisfied, she stands to get dressed.

I wonder if I have that costume I wore to that Costume Party a year ago?

She shakes her head. No, wrong, so wrong… I … I'll figure it out… somehow…god, I'm such a…

She rushes into her closet to find what she needs.

7

" That's kinda weird. She usually doesn’t get home til after I'm asleep. Of course, I'm up later than usual tonight…" She giggles. " What do you think… Xander? What're you doing?"

Xander has grabbed his jeans, and is pulling them on. The look on his face is anything but happy-goofy.

" I'm gonna go, Will" Xander mutters, pulling on his shirt. " Where did I put my shoes?" He starts hunting out his shoes.

" Xander! What's going on? Why're you going? Aren't… weren't we having fun?" Willow looks anxious. " Did I do something wrong?" She moves over to Xander, putting her hand on his arm. " What's wrong?"

"Wrong?" He smiles, a little ruefully. " I guess, being you, nothing wrong. Just, for me, not right…" he spots his shoes. " Ah, there they are." He walks over and gets his shoes. He puts them on, hopping from one foot to the other.

" Nothing wrong? Not right? Xander, you're not making any sense!" Willow cries. " What's going on?"

" Told you, Will. I'm leaving."

" WHY? I don't WANT you to go!" Willow flounces down on the bed, miserable.

Xander smiles softly, and just a little sadly. He walks over to Willow, and sits next to her. He puts his arm around her.

" Will, that's kind of the problem. You really don't know what you want, " He kisses her on top of the head. " You're my best bud in the world, and I love you. Heck, I'm always going to love you. But … I guess I'm just tired of competing."

" Competing? What ARE you talking about, Alexander Lavelle Harris?!" Willow grabs the blanket, covering herself.

Xander doesn't answer. His gaze just goes to the window, and by extension, to the garage apartment across the yard.

Willow follows her gaze, and her jaw drops.

" What the heck are you talking about, Xander?"

" Will, when I signed on to be your boyfriend, I thought it was going to be you and me. I can't tell you how happy that made me. But, it's never been just you and me, Willow. Much as I'd like to kid myself. Someone else is always there. We're not a couple, Will. We're a trio."

" You're being stupid, Xander!" Willow cries out, and then covers her mouth." I didn't mean that, I just am upset. You're leaving, and you're mad and I don't get it. I don't!"

He looks at her. His eyes shine with his love for her. But right now, it's not enough.

" I'm kinda hoping you're right, Will. That I'm stupid. I'm being a dope. But I'm thinking, not." He walks to the door and pauses." If you decide who you really want, and that happens to be me, let me know, ok?" He walks through the door.

For a moment, Willow sits there stunned. Then she's up, running after Xander

" Xander no, wait DON'T GO. Please, stay !!!"

She hears the front door close.

"PLEASE!!! " She runs to the head of the stair, looking down at the closed door. " Don't leave me, " Her voice grows softer. " I don't want to be alone…"

She suddenly feels very cold. She turns and walks back to her bedroom. Crossing to the bed, she grabs the blanket, wrapping herself in it. She sits by the window, just staring out.

" Xander…"

8

" Oh, no!"

Cordy quickly ducks down in her car when she sees the front door to the Rosenberg house open. Lying down in her front seat, a difficult maneuver, she peeks out the passenger window and watches Xander walk away from the house.

Crap! I hope he didn't see me. That would be… ok, Tsunami class disaster comes to mind… what's he doing at Mousy Rosenberg's so late, anyway? Hmmm… maybe mousy has gotten a little cat in her. Wait… do I care? No…not really… hmmm… still, he doesn't look too happy… at least… what I can see under these lights… god, she must be doing it wrong…

Cordy watches the retreating back of Xander, and sits up, breathing a sigh of relief. Didn't see me, thank goodness. How'd I explain being here?

Uhhh… why AM I here again?

Cordelia feels her stomach rebel to what she's contemplating. Stop that. Things are bad enough without you acting up.

She grips the steering wheel, her whitened knuckles showing her strain. This is insane. No, I’m insane! I should just get out of here, go home and forget this. God, If I had one brain cell working in my head, I'd get out of here and forget the whole thing. This has gotta be the dumbest idea I ever had. Ever!

But she doesn't move. Her eyes wander over to the Rosenberg's darkened driveway, knowing that beyond her sight, back there, she's waiting.

Is she waiting? Maybe she doesn't even care. Maybe she doesn't want me around.

Then why did she nearly beat that boy to death tonight.

Oh, thanks, that really helps the wiggins I got.

This is wrong. So wrong. Just go… go!

She turns over the ignition on her car, and sits, letting the motor idle. Her eyes seem glued to the Rosenberg's driveway.

Drive you moron. Put the car in gear, turn the wheel, get into traffic and get the hell outta here! This is insanity. Go SANE. Go HOME. Forget all this. She's nuts, and you're nuttier even being here! GO! GO NOW!

She turns the key, killing the ignition. She sits there, not moving.

God, I wish I could. I wish I could just go away, go back, be me again.

Was that me? I mean, Cordelia Chase, Queen C. Was that really ever me?

God, why do I only feel real when I'm around her? I only feel… something when she looks at me, touches me, wants me.

God, I never knew how empty I was until she… until I met her.

I was Queen. Capital Q. I was popular, beautiful, fawned over… I ruled that school.

And it meant nothing. Not a thing. Cuz it wasn't real. It was empty. I was empty. Hollow.

And then she… made me feel whole. Alive, I mean really alive. Breathing, feeling the chill on your skin, body aching, tingling all over- alive.

So alive…

And I can't go back. I can't go back to feeling empty again. Feeling hollow, and useless … feeling dead. I can't. I want to, but I can't.

Cordelia gets out of her car, and walks to the driveway. She stares down it, seeing the light in window of the garage apartment.

She's home… She seems movement behind the curtain… and awake. Good.

She starts down the drive, each step seeming to take her further and further from what was so real to her not so long ago

She draws the coat closer around her, shivering. The chill of the night air seems more intense. Everything seems more real, more intense, sharper. The clatter of her heels on the pavement seems to echo the beating of her heart, the blood that pulses throughout her. The outlines in the moonlight, shadowy shapes of trees, the fence, the garage, all have sharp, clear edges, as if her vision has grown sharper, more acute. The scents in the night air seem more intense, fresh and distinct. It's as if a mist has been lifted, and she can really see now, really feel now.

She reaches the steps leading up to Faith's apartment, and hesitates.

Last chance for sanity, girl. God, I can't believe I'm here…doing this. This… is insane, right? How can I think it's anything but insane. What do we even have in common? Nothing? Less than nothing?

So, why do I only feel real, here, now? How does she do that to me?

For a moment, she stands there, in the in-between, not sure where to go. Forward, or back.

What if she doesn’t want you? What if she says no?

What if she says yes? Oh god…

She starts up the steps, slowly… then almost runs up the last few. She knows now. She's sure. This is right, this is what she wants.

This is what she needs.

She knocks on the door.

***

Maybe it's the sound of the knock, or intuition. She's not sure which. Whatever it is, something draws Willow's eyes to Faith's apartment.

Dimly, in the moonlight, she can see a figure standing by the door.

Who the heck is that at this hour?

She opens the window, quietly, and looks out, trying to get a better look.

9

Faith wakes from a half doze, feeling a little groggy, and whole lot sore. Groaning, she looks at the clock, and sees it's midnight.

" What the hell?" She mutters to herself, getting up." Who the fuck could it be now? Shit, if this is Angel, I'm going to throw him downstairs. Doesn't he get I'm more than tired?"

She moves to the door, feeling a little out of sorts. She grabs the handle, and opens it suddenly, hoping to startle whoever is standing there.

Instead, she's startled when she sees it's Cordelia.

" Cor? What the…? It's fucking midnight. What do you want?" Faith frowns, not at all amused.

Cordelia stands there, looking at Faith in her tight black boxers and wife beater. Her heart starts to thump harder in her chest. God, how does she make me crazy wearing that?

" I….I…" Cordelia stammers, a little unsure, now faced down by Faith." I… want to talk to you?"

" You're not sure?" Faith says, half smirking. " Look, I think we said what needed saying, ok? Go home, get some sleep."

Cordelia stands there, frozen. She's not sure how to proceed.

Faith notices her nervousness, and mistakes it for fear.

" Hey, Cor. Not gonna hurt you, Ok?"

" I … I know…" Cordy isn't really entirely truthful there. She really doesn't know." I… need to say something."

" Yeah, ok," Faith says. God, make it quick, ok? Really need to …

But she stops dead in her thoughts.

Cordelia has shrugged off her coat, which has puddled at her ankles.

She's wearing a gold choker around her neck. Around her waist, she has a gold chain, looped through a ring, and with one end hanging down like a leash.

And other than the heels and the very brief thong she's wearing, she's nude.

" I'm yours. If you want me," Cordy says, softly.

Faith feels a strange buzz in her head, as if she can hear Cordy's needs and desires. She gives Cordy the once over, very slowly, as if inspecting her. Then she casually flicks her wrist, indicating that Cordy should kneel down.

Cordy, on cue, kneels down, very low, laying he face on the carpet just inside the door. She looks up at Faith, indicating with her eyes that Faith has total control over her.

Faith stands over her briefly, looking at her. A small smile graces her lips. She squats down, and gently raises Cordy back up to her feet. She stands looking at her a moment more, then tugging on the chain around her waist, pulls her inside, kicking the door closed after her.

10

Willow stares down, wide eyes. Her mouth is slightly agape.

She just witnessed that display, and it feels as if a hammer hit her in the stomach.

As soon as Faith opened the door, and light spilled out on the porch, Willow knew it was Cordy at her door.

What's she doing here? What does she want?

Then Cordy slipped off her coat, and Willow felt frozen. Oh. my. god.

When Faith knelt by her, lifting her up, and pulling he inside, that's when the hammer started hitting her. Hard. Right in the chest and stomach.

She turns back into her room, trying desperately to breathe. Somehow, she can't make her lungs work. Something's wrong, very wrong.

Then it breaks free, in the form of a huge sob. Followed by another, and another.

Leaning against the wall, hugging herself, she just gives into the pain. The dam breaks, and when the tears flood down her face, she realizes :

It's over, all over…

And she's lost it all.

To be continued.
- 18
- 19
- 20
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The Slayer