ONE NORMAL LIFE / TWO EXTRAORDINARY LIVES

CHAPTER 183 - DINNER WITH RILEY

DECEMBER 19, 2009
FRIDAY
5:00PM

Buffy stood surveying the clothes strewn all over her bed. For the past hour she'd gone through everything in her closet, trying to find something to wear for her 'date' with Riley. The problem was trying to find something that didn't have a memory of William associated with it. Finally, in the back of the closet, she found a somewhat conservative, sleeveless beige knit dress, with a short, matching jacket. She'd only worn it once, when she'd interviewed with Mrs. Carpello. She sighed, wondering if it would be nice enough for the expensive French restaurant Riley had invited her to meet him at in Santa Monica. Slipping it on, she looked at herself in the mirror. It would do. It looked good on her, complimentary, but not sexy. She didn't want to give him any wrong ideas; did she?

All week, every time she thought of the approaching date, her stomach clenched. On the one hand, it simply felt wrong after all this time to be going out with Riley again, even if it was understood, that it was only as friends. On the other hand, Buffy felt just a bit rebellious about the whole thing. It had been almost exactly a month since William had been gone, and in that time, she’d had only one email from him. One! With that in mind, she carefully applied her makeup, and put her hair up in a loose, flattering way. A long forgotten pair of gold, hoop earrings she'd received from one of her students, completed the look. Unconsciously, she reached up toward her neck to touch the lovebird necklace that was no longer there.

"So be it," she said to her reflection, and headed out the door for the long drive to Santa Monica.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Riley was waiting for her in the parking lot of the hotel where the French restaurant, Cafe Cézanne was located, when she arrived. It had given her pause when he'd told her it was located in a fancy hotel, hoping that he hadn't any aspirations other than dinner. Nah, it was Riley, she reasoned.

She put on her best Buffybot smile, as he loped over to the car, in a few long-legged strides.

"You look great, Buffy," he said, holding open her car door for her.

"Thanks, you too, Riley," she said, and meant it. He was wearing tan dress pants, a light blue button down, short-sleeved shirt, and a dark navy sports coat.

"And just in case of a more stringent dress code...” he said with a grin, pulling a ready-to-wear necktie out of his breast pocket.

"Prepared as always, I see," Buffy said.

“Boy Scout’s mantra...as well as that of a good soldier’s.”

“Of course,” Buffy said, with a laugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once seated, they made small talk, until they’d ordered; Buffy noting the ease at which Riley did so in French. He looked up and caught her staring at him, when the waiter had left. Self-consciously, she took a sip of the wine that had been poured.

“Didn’t expect me to know French, did you?”

Buffy shook her head. “I don’t know why not. I guess I just didn’t put it together with...“

“...Me? That’s okay Buffy, I was never an intellectual; I know that. I guess French is one of those languages that everyone thinks is associated with that sort of thing.”

“Oh, and like I was known for my intellect?” Buffy laughed.

“Actually, I picked it up when Sam and I were stationed for about eight months in French Guiana on a mission a few years back.”

“Oh. What were you doing there? I mean, if it’s not classified...”

“No, not anymore," he said with a laugh. "We were fighting demons that had taken over Devil’s Island, where an old penal colony used to be. They were close enough to the rest of the islands to be causing problems. They’d come over at night, and well, you can guess the rest.”

Buffy nodded. “Devil’s Island, huh? Good name.”

“That’s what Sam and I thought, too,” Riley said, with a flicker of sadness. He cleared his throat.

“So, how were your classes?"

Classes? How had he found out about...? Then she remembered.

"They were fine, thanks,” Buffy said, quickly making the catch. At least she hoped so.

When she’d called Riley earlier in the week to set up the time and place - using the untraceable phone she’d gotten from Clem a couple of years ago - she’d told him she was teaching self-defense. It was the first reasonably thing she thought of that Riley would believe. Heck, if she told him the truth, she doubted that he would believe it. She knew she was being deceptive, but with Riley’s past and present connections to clandestine, government sanctioned demon hunting, she couldn’t be too careful, especially where her connection to William was concerned.

"How long have you been doing that?"

"Quite a while," Buffy said.

"Where did you say it was at?"

"I didn't. It's in Alhambra,” Buffy said, pulling up the first name out of her liar’s hat she was donning that she could come up with.

“Huh...I’ve never been there. How far is that from where you live?”

“Just a little drive north. Of course in L.A., nothing is a short drive,” she said, nervously. Keeping all her facts straight, especially, when she hadn’t thought them all through, was beginning to hurt her brain.

"So, what else is up in your life? I want to hear everything; it’s been so long...”

The waiter came at that moment, setting down their salads, and giving her a chance to think about her answer.

“Not really that much to tell. Work, eat, sleep, repeat. Just the normal stuff," she said, as she poured a little bit of the Caesar's dressing over her salad.

“Normal stuff, eh? From what I recall, you were anything but normal."

"Gee thanks. Just what every girl wants to hear."

"I was going to say you were extraordinary. That’s a good word, isn’t it?"

"Yes, and might I add that was a good save, Mr. Finn?"

“Not a save, Buffy. It's the truth. I always thought so," he said, reaching across the table and taking her hand for a moment, before quickly releasing it.

"Thanks," Buffy said, adding, "but I get the feeling there's a but in there somewhere.”

"There's not, but I can't deny that I've been wondering something."

"What's that?" Buffy asked, tensing.

"You're really okay with not being the slayer anymore? I mean I know that working at a self-defense school must have it's own rewards, but it's not the same. I just never considered that you would’ve just given it up.”

It stung, this quiet accusation, which in her own head was magnified loudly from her own guilt over the decision to lay down her stakes.

“After the Hellmouth...I just needed a break,” she said simply.

Riley nodded, though he really didn’t understand how she could’ve given it up. He would never dream of just quitting; not since that time when he’d been with the Initiative. Quitting just wasn’t in his vocabulary, no matter the cost.

“So, are you seeing anyone?” Riley asked a bit too casually.

Buffy hesitated for a minute before answering. “Yes, but it’s...complicated.”

“They always are. Relationships, that is. He’s not married or something, is he? Because if he is, I'm authorized to take him out."

God, those words!

Buffy’s heart started racing; Riley had to remember saying that to her before, didn’t he? Did he somehow know who she was talking about? She stole a glance at him, but he just innocently winked at her.

“No, nothing like that,” she said in a calm voice.

“Good. I mean that he’s not married, not that it’s complicated.”

“I knew what you meant.”

“Whoever he is, I have to say that he still has to be a far cry better than the last guy I saw you with,” he said rolling his eyes.

Now she knew he didn't know, but now she wasn't alarmed, she was pissed. Her eyes flashed anger, but Riley missed it when the waiter arrived at that very moment to refill their wineglasses.

"To friendship," Riley said, toasting.

Buffy gave a short, terse nod, before clinking glasses with him.

She waited for the other shoe to drop, but talk turned to other things, the world in general, old friends, his job, and his hopes for the future. Riley spoke a bit more about his divorce from Sam, his current work, and his plans for one day moving back to Washington, D.C. and working for the Pentagon.

“I used to think that one day, I’d settle down, and move back home to Iowa. I think I’m well past that point now, though, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I think it would probably be a bit hard...after everything,” Buffy agreed, while thinking, ‘I can do this. Just a nice, normal dinner conversation with an old boyfriend.’

“Let’s take a walk,” Riley suggested as he paid their bill, and just as Buffy was about to thank him for the dinner, and leave.

"I really should be getting home,” she said, adding, “I've got an early day tomorrow."

"We’ll just make it a short one then, okay? Come on, we haven't seen each other in over six years," Riley urged.

Buffy reluctantly agreed, and they wound up on the beach near Santa Monica Pier. As they started off down the sand, she bent over to take off her shoes. When she wobbled for a moment, Riley quickly grabbed hold of her to prevent her from falling.

“You okay?”

She nodded mutely, suddenly made aware of his strong, warm arms supporting her, and how they should feel nice to her, but they didn't. Not really beyond the physical sensation her body registered as other. Certainly not in the whole mind/body way that William’s touch made her feel.

“I’m good now,” Buffy said, as she straightened up, gently moving out of Riley's grasp in such a way as to not be obvious.

Funny, years ago she would've told herself that it had merely been the physical sensations and escapism that Spike offered her that kept her coming back to him for more, and maybe, just maybe, for a while it had been. Before she could even admit it to herself, it had turned into something else from him that she craved: acceptance. Spike had both accepted and loved her whole being - her light, as well as her dark sides. That had given her a freedom she'd never had. Sadly, she wondered if William would ever feel the same, with everything they’d been through.

“So, what exactly happened to Sunnydale?"

Buffy sighed, realizing she hadn’t gotten a pass from that topic after all. As they continued walking, she filled him in on what had happened with the Potentials, the Council, and The First; some of which he’d already knew about. She kept the painful specifics to herself, especially about Spike.

“It's been sort of hard to miss some of those new commando-style, newbie slayers popping out of nowhere during our operations," Riley said. "We nearly killed a couple of them, until we got what they were all about.”

“I’m sorry about that. After all the Potentials became instant slayers, Giles, Willow, Faith, and some others who were there..."

"Faith? As in, Faith who wanted to be you? Faith the killer, Faith?"

"Um...yes, Faith; the one and the same. She's good now," Buffy added quickly, remembering all too well the time Faith had forcibly switched bodies with her, and tricked Riley into sleeping with her in the process.

"Well, color me surprised!"

"What can I say? We needed her. She was the only other slayer, besides me, when this first started. Anyway, as I was saying, they’re still in the process of finding all the potentials and bringing them to London for training."

“So, let me get this straight," Riley said, shaking his head, as he tried to clear it of the image of Faith. "You decided to share your power with possibly thousands of untrained potentials from all over the globe? Then after the fact, locate them for training?”

Buffy stopped walking. “You make it sound like I decided to do this with the same amount of thought I might decide to stop and buy a coffee in the morning. I didn't have a choice! The First and its’ army of ubervamps weren't something that one slayer, or even two, could defeat. If there had been a different way, don’t you think I would’ve chosen it? Do you think I wanted this?” Buffy said, her voice rising, partly because of the guilt she’d never quite examined in any great depth over having left all the training up to others.

“Of course not, Buffy,” Riley said gently, putting his hand on her shoulder. “It’s just that some of these girls out there are dangerous. They have this power, and they don’t know what to do with it.”

“You mean dangerous for government types who decided getting into the demon slaying business was your area of expertise?” Buffy asked, angrily.

Riley removed his hand from her shoulder; her anger met with a frosty stare. As suddenly as it had appeared it vanished. In it’s wake leaving the reasonable, innocent, Iowa boy look he’d honed well over the years.

“I’m afraid this is where you and I are just going to have to agree to disagree, Buffy. The government has more power at its disposal than you could...” Riley shook his head. “Not going to go there, Buffy. Let’s just say, that without government ops, there are lots of areas of the world that would’ve been decimated by demons. Who do you think other governments call when suddenly they’ve got a demon problem threatening to get out of hand, before it causes widespread death and panic? Who do you think is sent in after demons in the jungles, mountains, and areas that most people have never heard of? Do you think they call 1-800-SLAYERS? No Buffy, they call us!” Riley said, heatedly.

“That might be, but who's been there to stop apocalypses? Me, the slayers before me, and all the new slayers who now fall into that category!”

“Even slayers without training?”

“I’m not saying that a loose cannon slayer is a good thing, but when it comes down to it, I think that she would still have better instincts than even...”

“Than even me, you were going to say?”

“Riley, I know how long you’ve been at this, and how well you’re trained. I just don’t see any soldier being quite able to do what a slayer can do.”

“I seem to recall that you had plenty of civilians who weren’t slayers helping you all the time in Sunnydale. They weren’t even trained like us government types, as you put it.”

“No, they weren’t, and ultimately it all rested on me, but my friends and my family were my backbone. They kept me alive I don’t know how many times.”

“Well, when the chips are down, I’ll take my trained comrades any day over a witch, a Watcher, a comedian, an ex-vengeance demon, and a twisted, lovesick vampire. Speaking of the evil undead, whatever happened when you had Spike's chip removed?"

Mistaking her stunned silence over his casually cruel comments for culpability, Riley blundered on like a blind man towards a cliff.

"Sorry, Buffy, I had a feeling that it wouldn't turn out well. I also knew you wouldn't have believed me then, but I'm still sorry you had to find out the hard way. When they told me that you'd decided to have Spike's chip removed, instead of a new one, I knew nothing good would come from that. It was just his nature; soulless vampire you know, chip or no chip. Then again, you seemed to have developed a soft spot for the idiot.”

A myriad of emotions went through her mind all at once, until she did the most unlikely thing of all:

She laughed.

She laughed at how so terribly wrong he was, and at her younger self, who at one time believed that Riley was the one for her. She laughed at her now untenable situation, here with him, while William was God-only-knows where. Doubled over, she laughed at the absurdity of the situation; out on a date with Riley, listening to him put down the people she loves. Especially Spike, her formerly soulless vampire enemy, turned friend and lover. Her soul-getting hero and champion, her shanshu’d-back-from-the-dead, newly human again, beloved.

Hers, always hers.

Buffy let her laughter fuel the fury, and fight back the tears.

“Care to share what’s so funny?” Riley asked, perturbed.

As suddenly as it started, it stopped, and Buffy slowly straightened up to her full 5’3” stature, fixing Riley with a steely glare.

Oh yeah, she was going to share, alright.

“First of all, don’t you ever, ever talk about Spike like that in front of me again!
Secondly, Spike wasn’t soulless anymore.” Buffy said, smiling in satisfaction at seeing the shocked look on Riley’s face.

“That’s right,” she continued, nodding, “Spike got his soul back, a few months after you and Sam came to Sunnydale.”

“How? I don’t believe it! It must’ve been a trick!”

“No, it wasn’t a trick. Spike got his soul back,” Buffy said proudly, looking squarely into Riley’s disbelieving eyes.

“How’d he do it, Buffy? Do they sell souls on eBay now? Or did Spike go to Souls-R-Us, instead?”

“Gee that’s pretty funny for someone who doesn’t seem to care for comedians. FYI, Spike went to Africa, and fought for his soul to be returned to him, for me, and so he could be a better man, so he could...”

“He’ll never be a man, Buffy! He’s a thing! An evil, dead thing,” Riley said vehemently. Buffy winced, hearing the words that she herself had so often said to Spike. “And even if it is true like you say, I’ll tell you why Spike did it; so he could get into your pants! Then again as I recall, he already was.”

Had they not been outside, with the wind and waves to absorb sound, the slap Buffy delivered would have had a great echo. As it was, Riley’s head snapping back and her hand smarting was proof enough.

Shock and anger played simultaneously across Riley’s features. He grabbed hold of her arms, squeezing them tightly.

“What in God’s name is the matter with you, Buffy? Spike’s a vampire! Chipped or not, soulless or not, he’s still the enemy, one of the bad guys! I thought you of all people would have understood that, being the slayer. First Angel, then Spike,” Riley said, looking at her with disgust. “You were supposed to kill your enemies, not sleep with them!”

“I suggest you take your hands off me, Riley,” Buffy said, low and threatening. He did, taking a step back, his fingers splayed in a conciliatory gesture.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t buy this fanciful tale you’re telling me about Spike, of all people.”

“It doesn’t matter to me if you believe me or not, Riley. I know what I know, and that’s this: Not only did he become a good man, a man I was proud to have watching my back, but Spike loved me better than any man, living or dead, ever did, or ever will. That’s something nobody can ever take away from me!”

Riley looked at her as though she’d grown three heads. “I feel sorry for you, Buffy. I truly do; you’re deluded!”

Buffy laughed, “I don’t need your pity, Riley.”

He could only stare at her. Where was the Buffy he once loved? The Slayer, warrior against evil, and the strongest woman he’d ever known. Now she was acting like a simpering schoolgirl, lusting after the evil undead, and it sickened him to the core of his being.

“No wonder your current relationship is complicated if you believe that, Buffy. Does your current guy know how you feel?”

“More or less,” she finally replied, keeping her answer as vague as possible. She’d been brought up short by Riley’s question, asking her if William, whom he didn’t know about, knew about her love for Spike.

What was that saying? What a tangled web we weave? That certainly summed it up, in a nutshell.

“Know what, Buffy? It’s getting late, and like you said, you have an early day tomorrow. Why don’t we just call it a night, okay?”

“That’s fine by me,” Buffy said, “but I have a few other things to say, before we end this.”

“Make your point,” Riley said, with a heavy sigh, “but there’s nothing you can say that will ever convince me that Spike was either good or a man.”

“Then I’ll start with the others,” Buffy said, her voice steely. “If it weren’t for Willow, I wouldn’t have been able to share my power, and the world wouldn’t be in the good hands it’s in today; many hands. A slayer has a short shelf life; not many made it even as long as I did, dying twice notwithstanding, but with all of them, they can help each other, fight evil, and still have a somewhat normal life! It’s given all of us the chance to live.

Giles was the most devoted watcher a slayer ever had. Did he make mistakes? Of course he did. So did I. The Council teaches it’s watchers using an ideal, a cookie cutter image of what a slayer is and should be. God knows,” she laughed, “that wasn’t me. Still, Giles adapted. Not only that, he really cared about me, as if I were...more than just some expendable slayer there to do the Council’s bidding in their war against evil.” Buffy smiled fondly; glad she was now able to think of Giles without also thinking of the rupture in their relationship after his visit last April. She made a mental note to give him a call soon.

“As for the comedian, how dare you minimize Xander in this way? His contributions to me, personally, and to fighting evil is without measure! Even without any superpower, he had more balls, heart, and courage than anybody! He lost an eye due to The First. Still, when the final battle went down, he was there, like always! I’d place my money on Xander anytime over anyone you could bring to the fight,” Buffy said, her voice quaking with barely controlled rage as her indignation continued to grow.

“And that ex-vengeance demon had the chance to leave before the final battle, but she stayed. Anya died fighting as a mere human, for humans that she never could quite understand, yet loved all the same. Even if she would deny it,” Buffy said, smiling to herself.

Riley didn’t say anything for a minute, as he tried to absorb all of what she’d told him. Finally he cleared his throat.

“For them, I’ll apologize, Buffy. I didn’t mean they weren’t of value to you; they were. I know that, still, except for Giles, they were untrained. You can’t deny that over the years your Scoobies had as many misses as hits. They put your life in danger as often as they helped you.”

“Oh, and you did better, I suppose?” Buffy asked coolly.

“As a matter of fact, I’d say I did,” Riley replied smugly. “It’s not bragging, Buffy. It’s just the facts.”

“Funny, I seem to remember saving your ass a number of times, too.”

“That was because I got deterred from the mission, when I got involved with you and your friends. If it hadn’t been for that, I never would’ve been in the types of situations I found myself in.”

“Oh, and getting drugged up by crazy Dr. Walsh and company was preferable?” Buffy asked, incredulous.

“No, of course not,” Riley conceded. “That was overzealous and misguided, but their intentions were noble.”

“Noble?” Buffy asked, fuming. “Harnessing the power of demons for the government’s use was a noble pursuit? God, Riley! Do you hear yourself?”

“I’m a soldier in a war that few people know about Buffy.”

“It sounds more to me like you’re an automaton!”

“Is that what you think I am?” Riley asked.

She regarded him from head to toe, wondering what it had been that she’d even seen in him. Riley was supposed to have been the nice guy, the normal guy. Now all she saw was a cold, aloof man who saw the world in stark relief, a man without poetry or passion in his soul.

“If the shoe fits...”

Riley nodded curtly. “Well, that may be, but what you call automaton, I call tried and true. When I’m out there in the field, my partners know exactly what to expect from me, and I know what to expect from them.”

Silently, they walked back along the beach, and up to the hotel’s parking lot.

“Before we go, I have one last thing to tell you about the final battle on the Hellmouth. I didn't tell you exactly how the Hellmouth collapsed, and Sunnydale along with it. Before the battle, I was given a powerful amulet, which was to bestow strength on the right person who wore it; someone ensouled, but stronger than human."

Buffy took a deep breath before continuing, “I gave it to Spike, and without any qualms he accepted it; asked for it even, knowing that he most likely wouldn't survive the outcome of what the amulet would do to him in the process of destroying the Hellmouth. Spike died saving the world, Riley, your world, as well as mine. Spike died a champion!”

“Spike’s dead? Spike died...?” Riley asked, the rest of the words refusing to come.

“...a hero,” Buffy finished for him. “And one more thing, just so we’re clear. Spike didn’t love me in vain; I loved him, too. I always will.”

“I don’t know what to say, Buffy," Riley said, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Goodbye is good, I think,” Buffy said, looking one last time at the man she’d once thought was the one for her.

He held her eyes for a moment, then gave a short nod. “Goodbye, Buffy.”

“Goodbye, Riley,” Buffy said softly, watching as he walked to his car, got in, and drove out of the parking lot.

As his taillights drove out of sight, Buffy slumped against her car, exhausted.
Despite Dawn’s expectation that she spend the night with her and John, to avoid the long drive home, Buffy decided she needed time alone to clear her head. She made a phone call to Dawn to let her know the change in plans, but Dawn wouldn’t hear of it.

“Get over here now, Buffy, or I’ll come to that restaurant and pick you up myself!”

“Alright, alright, you win, Dawn. I’m too tired to argue anyway,” Buffy said, wearily.

“Which is reason #1 that you shouldn’t be driving all the way home tonight! See you in a while,” Dawn said, without giving Buffy a chance to respond.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“God, what a jerk!” Dawn said, later that night as they commiserated over a cup of hot cocoa and little marshmallows like their mom used to make them.
Buffy nodded, blowing on the hot liquid in order to cool it down.

“Riley was always sort of orderly, or tightly wound as a certain someone would say,” she said, smiling fondly remembering Spike’s physical gestures and mannerisms that often went along with his snarky expressions.

“Now though, I don’t even recognize him anymore. Maybe he was always like that, and just tried to loosen up a bit for my sake. It sure didn’t take him long to rejoin the rank and file, after I’d found out about him getting suck jobs from vamp ho’s. Guess I have Spike to thank for that, too.”

“Riley and vamp ho’s?” Dawn asked, her eyes big. “I don’t believe it! Wow! Riley?

Oh crap, Buffy realized that she’d never told Dawn about that because she was much younger then, and she also didn’t want her to be any more hurt and angry with Riley for up and leaving, than she already was going to be.

Buffy just nodded.

“When you say ‘suck jobs,’ what exactly do you mean? Oh, God, don’t answer that. Just...eww!”

“What are you guys talking about?” John asked, having chosen just that moment to come into the living room, wearing nothing but workout pants, and rubbing his hair with a towel.

“Nothing!” Buffy and Dawn both replied.

John gave them a good-natured grin and shrugged, and went back into the bedroom.

They giggled, as soon as the door closed. Buffy couldn’t help but feel a small pang of yearning over the effortless domesticity of Dawn and John’s life, in contrast to her own.

“It’s nice,” Buffy said softly.

“What is?”

“This, you guys. I’m happy for you,” Buffy said sincerely.

“You miss him, don’t you?” Dawn asked.

“Yeah, Dawnie. I really do.”

“So then, what are you going to do about it?”

A look of hesitation crossed Buffy’s face and she swallowed hard.

“I don’t know. Do you think I should be doing something about it?” Buffy asked, looking down at the swirl of melted marshmallows in her cup. “William was pretty clear about his needing to do whatever it is he needed to do by himself...”

“But...?” Dawn coaxed.

“But...I keep feeling like he needs me, even if he can’t admit it, or is afraid to. He’s so...scared, Dawn. I feel it, I know it, deep down, I...”

“...So, I repeat, Buffy. What are you going to do about it?”

Buffy looked up at Dawn, slowly nodding.

Dawn smiled, satisfied. Her sisterly work was done.

END CHAPTER 183