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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
- 16
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I have no idea how I’m going to do this. I mean, it’s completely impossible. Not only will she be pissed off for me asking her, but she’ll be mad that I put it off for so long. And in case you haven’t been paying attention I’m talking about the whole ‘Willow wanting a sleep over with Faith and I’ thing. Really now, people try to keep up.
Anyway, the sleep over idea was discussed and agreed upon on Monday, and it’s now Friday. My date with Scott was cancelled because he’s grounded for the next two weeks so it’s not like I can use that as an excuse for not going. The thing is I still haven’t spoken to Faith since that night at the Bronze. You know, when I did my little love confession thing. And I’m supposed to be at Willow’s house, Faith by my side, in less than an hour.
So I guess I need to be brave about this. All week I’ve been staying out of Faith’s way, but now it’s time I go into the kitchen and talk to her. I’m sure she’ll see reason once I explain the situation to her. If I have to play a little dirty then so be it. The idea of hanging out with Faith and Willow isn’t a bad one. Of course I’m thinking of the Faith from two weeks ago before things got awkward and tense.
I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Ok, I can do this. I walk into the kitchen and see something I definitely didn’t want to. Faith and Tanner are sitting at the center island sharing a bowl of ice cream. He has an arm wrapped around her waist and she’s sitting as close as she can get. If she were any closer she’d be sitting on his lap. Stupid Tanner sharing moments with her that are sweet, and so normal that should be between Faith and me. Anyway, I clear my throat and they both look up. Faith instantly gets all tense, but Tanner has a little smile on his face.
“Tanner, can I talk to Faith alone for a second?” I look into his light brown eyes and he looks a little confused. I would be confused if I were him too. Faith and I haven’t said a word since last Saturday and suddenly I want to talk to her. Well not suddenly. All week I’ve wanted to say about a million different things but I haven’t out of respect for Faith. He looks over at her with a questioning look and I know exactly what he’s not saying.
“It’s ok,” Faith says and puts her spoon down. She looks at him with a gentle smile on her face. I’d kill to have her look at me like that for just a second. My God I sound so emo right now. “It’s almost bath time and it’s your night.” Her smile turns into a teasing one, and before he can say anything she gives him a little kiss on the lips.
“Ok, but remember it’s your turn to read a bed time story. If I have to read Sleeping Beauty one more time I might go insane.” He leaves another kiss on her lips and I think they’re acting so cute and coupley just to make me jealous. And it’s totally working. He gets up and leaves the room, and I can’t stop myself from glaring at him as he walks by. Now that he’s gone it’s just me and Faith, and a whole lot of tension.
“So B, what do you want?” To say Faith doesn’t sound happy would be the biggest understatement of the year. I look into her eyes as she crosses her arms over her chest. The expression in those big brown eyes hardens and it’s almost like she’s daring me to say something. I take in a deep breath and prepare myself for a very bad reaction.
“I know the last thing you want to do is be around me, and I don’t blame you. You have every right to be pissed off and never speak to me again.” I stop and take another deep breath. She’s starting to look a little annoyed. “But Willow thinks you feel left out because you’re not an official scooby member and she wants to spend some time with you to make sure you know that you’re our friend. I tried to convince her that nothing’s wrong, but she can be stubborn when she wants to be.”
“Yeah, I know someone else like that,” she says sounding just as annoyed as she looks. Ok, I totally deserved that. I’m not going to let this conversation turn into an argument so I’ll just ignore her smart ass remarks. “What exactly does this gotta do with me?”
“She wants us to spend the night at her house tonight for some girl time.” Now she looks mad. I knew this conversation was going to suck. “I think we should just do it and get it over with. Until she sees you and sees that everything is fine she’s going to start digging to try and find out why you haven’t been around as much. And she doesn’t know that you’re living here so eventually she’ll come over and find out about everything you’re trying to hide.” She still looks mad, but she also look a little scared.
The room is dead quiet while she sits there and thinks. I’d love to be able to hear all of the things she’s thinking, but at the same time I really don’t. I already know that she hates me. I don’t need to hear about it too. I feel really guilty already for what I did, the type of pressure I put on her, and how she can’t stand to be around me so I don’t need anything added to it.
“Fine.” What? What did she just say? There’s no way she agreed. “I’ll have some ‘girl time’ with you guys but I’m only doin it once. It’s not gonna become a regular thing.” I have to force myself not to smile. Maybe if we spend some time together she’ll want to be around me again. It’s a lot to hope for but I’m staying optimistic. “And don’t expect me to start comin around the library again.” I was hoping we’d save this part for later, but ok.
“Faith you need to show up at least once a week. If you don’t start coming in for training then Giles and Wesley are going to start looking for you. Look, I know you’re pissed off, and I know you hate me, but if we don’t act like everything is fine then everyone is going to start getting suspicious.” Her face is still a hard mask of anger and annoyance, but her eyes look, I don’t, kinda sad now.
“I’ll try, but I’m not gonna promise anything. Tanner might get promoted.” To what, a bag boy? “So his hours might be changing.” I nod my head a little and look down at the bowl. The rest of the ice cream melted and now is a chocolate puddle. Ok, well, this is pretty awkward. “So what time is Red expecting us?” I look at the little clock on the microwave and sigh.
“In about fifteen minutes.” I glance over at her and the annoyance on her face just went from a six to an eight. But that sadness in her eyes hasn’t gone away. I want to ask about it, ask her what it is I said to make them look like that, but I keep my mouth shut. If we’re going to get through this night without her killing me and making it look like a painful accident I better start keeping it shut more. “She has extra toothbrushes and sleeping bags so all you need is some pjs, and fresh clothes for tomorrow.” She stands up and lets out a small sigh.
“Alright, I’ll be back down in five minutes.” Meaning: stay down here if you know what’s good for you. I want her as she walks out of the room and if I didn’t know any better I’d say she’s putting a little something extra in her step just for me. Ok, so that worked out a lot better than I thought it was going to. I actually got her to see reason without much of a fight at all. I also got her to agree to come into the library more often. Well, sort of. As long as the douche doesn’t get promoted then she might start coming back in.
Well that was possibly the most awkward ten minutes of my entire life. Even though it felt like an eternity I know it was only ten minutes because that’s how long it takes to walk to Willow’s house. Faith didn’t say a word the entire walk over. She sighed a few times, and held her breath when she thought a vampire or something was hiding behind a trash can but it was just a stray dog.
It’s not like I was being a chatter box either. I knew that if I opened my mouth to say something I’d accidentally ask about that look I saw in her eyes and that would just make things worse. She’s finally staying around me for more than two seconds that’s progress right? Then again she’s only around me because I practically black mailed her. Great, now I’m no better than that stupid douche bag.
I ring the door bell and wait. The lights are on so Willow is home. I think it’s a little messed up that her parents are gone. They just got back from a month long trip to New York not so long ago and now they’re gone again. I don’t know how someone can put their careers before their children. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never have children. Slayers don’t live past their early twenties. So I’ll be dead long before I find mister right and settle down.
Then again I could always settle down with Faith. It’s crossed my mind a lot, if you haven’t noticed. We could get a nice house with a white picket fence, buy a mini-van, get a Golden Retriever, and live the cliché. She’s a slayer too so she understands the demands of the job. She’s not a guy so she won’t have the need to be more macho then me or whatever. We can raise Sam together, and be happy.
I glance over at her and my breath catches in my throat for a few seconds. She has her hair pulled back, and her make-up is a lot lighter then it usually is. Any other time I would describe her as sexy or hot, but right now in the porch light she looks beautiful. I turn a little bit so I’m slightly facing her. I want to tell her so many things I don’t know where to start.
“Hey guys,” Willow says when she opens the door. And the perfect timing award goes to…Willow Rosenberg, come on down, take a bow. I shouldn’t be mad at her. I should probably thank her for stopping me from making an ass out of myself. “The pizza got here a few minutes ago so let’s eat.” I glance at Faith and she has a very fake smile on her face.
“Nice Red. B didn’t mention there’d be pizza.” She walks in the house and I have to admit she’s pretty at this whole ‘acting like nothing’s wrong’ thing. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to act like that or not. I hope so because the last thing I need is Willow getting curious with both me and Faith here.
“I rented a couple movies so take a look and pick one. You’re the special guest tonight Faith, so why don’t you pick the first one?” I smile a little at the slightly weirded outlook on her face. She’s still not used to being around Willow. It’ll probably take a while for her to get used to perky-Willow. The only Willow she’s really been around is researchy-Willow and my-boyfriend-is-in-the-band-Willow.
“Ok, Red. Hey B, why don’t you pick me out a couple slices while I put this in?” What am I, her servant girl? Does she want me to say ‘yes mistress’ and take a bow before I get her some pizza? I’ll admit that my mood now doesn’t really make sense. You’d think I’d be happy that she’s talking to me. Then again this isn’t the real Faith that’s relaxed and putting in some random movie. This is the ‘I’m only doing this to make Red happy’ Faith.
I get Faith some pizza and sit down on the couch next to Willow and start eating mine. I watch out of the corner of my eye as she walks across the room and sits down next to me. Ok, this is the closest that we’ve been since the Bronze. I can smell her perfume perfectly, and I can feel her body heat radiating off of her. Oh yeah, this is going to be hell. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through tonight without slipping up and doing something stupid.
So far tonight hasn’t been so bad. We suffered through a horrible B-list horror movie that left me feeling dazed, confused, and a little empty. Luckily this one is better. It’s a love story so Faith isn’t having a lot of fun. At least I don’t think she is. I really don’t see Faith being the romance movie type. Willow is completely enthralled by it. Her eyes haven’t left the TV since the first ten minutes. I keep glancing over at Faith and she looks a little bored.
I stiffen when I feel something brush against my hand. I look down and I see Faith’s hand right next to mine, and her pinky finger is lightly caressing mine. I look up at her face and she’s staring at the TV with a look of concentration on her face. Ok, so maybe she doesn’t realize she’s doing it? But that’s dumb, of course she knows what she’s doing. So what does this mean exactly? Who fucking cares?! I’m just glad she’s here.
I keep my eyes on the TV just in case Willow glances over. She can’t see our hands because I have a very large bowl of popcorn sitting on my lap. I’m not paying attention to a word that’s being said. All I can concentrate on is the feel of Faith’s hand as she gently caresses mine. I know it’s completely insane but I’m actually getting a little turned on by this. That’s definitely not making this easier.
It only feels like minutes but I guess a long time has gone by because the movie is over. Willow says she promised Giles she’d help him look through some books tomorrow morning so we’re going to bed a lot earlier then we usually would when we have a sleep over. Whenever I sleep over at Willow’s house, and vice versa, we always share a bed but my redheaded friend thinks it would be a good idea if we all sleep on the floor. I guess she doesn’t want Faith to feel left out.
I don’t know how long it’s been since Will turned the lights out, but I can tell she’s asleep. She’s mumbling something about tadpoles in her Fruit Loops, and every once in a while she’ll let out a little snort. Do I make that much noise when I sleep? Go I hope not. I don’t know if Faith is asleep or not. I haven’t heard anything from my left side in a while. Yeah, I’m in the middle again. I don’t know how I always end up in the middle but it happens and it’s annoying.
“Buffy,” I hear Faith whisper. I don’t move a muscle. I force myself to stay calm and pretend to be asleep. I really don’t feel like talking to her right now. Willow could wake up and find out about us and that would be bad. I have no idea how she’d react if she found out. I know Xander wouldn’t care, he’s just drool a lot, but Willow? Not a clue. “Buffy are you asleep?” Did she really just ask that? Like I’m going to reply ‘yeah, I am, could you come back later?’
I hear her shuffle around in her sleeping bag and the next thing I know I feel her fingertips lightly caressing my forehead. She’s been very touchy-feely tonight. First on the couch and now this. What is going on inside that head of hers? I have to force myself not to respond to the touches because I really want to scoot over just a little bit so I can snuggle up to her. But I can’t do that obviously.
“B, I don’t hate you,” she whispers very softly. If I didn’t have slayer hearing I wouldn’t have heard that. I’m totally confused. If she doesn’t hate me then why has she been avoiding me? I hate feeling blonde, it sucks. “I wanna tell you how much I love you but I can’t.” Oh God, I think I’m going to cry. She loves me? Like she really, really loves me? “Just stop thinkin I hate you, ok? Get it through that thick skull of yours.” Hey that’s no way to talk to the girl you love. Faith loves me, how cool is that? I feel her lips lightly press against mine for just a second and then just like that she’s gone. My life is so unfair.
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Know Who I Am