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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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“Buffy.” I can’t believe this is happening. Three days ago Faith and I told each other that we have more than just a physical attraction for each other, and that she can’t leave Tanner or he’ll sue her for custody of Sam and win. That’s blackmail if you ask me. Anyway, after that I wigged and did something totally stupid. “Buffy have you been listening to a word I’ve said?” Great, and now Giles is mad at me.
“No. I’m sorry Giles. I have a lot on my mind right now.” We’re supposed to be talking about those Nazi vampires, and Faith is supposed to be here too. At least that’s what she told Giles before the dumb thing happened. Now she won’t even stay in the same room with me. I look into Giles’ eyes and he looks concerned. I really wish he was my dad. Then I’d crawl into his lap and cry like a four-year-old. Giles is too British for that though.
Buffy, I know that officially I’m your watcher, but you can talk to me if you need to even if it isn’t slayer related.” Oh God, I can’t tell Giles what I did. I’m way too ashamed. I acted so stupid and I don’t want anyone else to know about it. Faith knows, obviously, but she’s not going to be telling anyone any time soon. At least I hope not.
“Thank you for saying that, but I can’t talk to you about it. It’s…it’s personal and I don’t want to tell anyone.” I don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t even want to think about it. Faith hates me and it’s all my fault. She told me to back off, that she couldn’t do it again but I pushed. I pushed until she finally gave in and did what I wanted. Afterwards she freaked out, told me to go to hell, and stormed off. It isn’t just that I got her to dress up like a girly-girl, and go to the Bronze with me. I decided to show her how much fun we can have, so I asked her to dance. The song was fast, but right after it was a slow song.
She wanted to go sit back down. The whole night she was uncomfortable because she knew what I was doing but I thought if I could show her how much I want to be with her then maybe she’d reconsider. So I pushed, and I kept pushing until she finally danced with me just to shut me up. She didn’t want to dance close at first but after a while she relaxed and put her head on my shoulder. I couldn’t resist. I gave her temple a little kiss and whispered ‘I love you’ into her ear. She freaked out and stormed off, and I can’t tell anyone why.
That was two days ago, and Faith hasn’t said a word since then. She won’t even look at me. Everyone knows that something is going on but I won’t say anything and Faith won’t either. I’ve been crying a lot because she hates me now. She made it perfectly clear that we can’t be together despite our mutual feelings for one another, but I took it too far. I told her I have feelings for her, but the ‘L’ word was never brought up.
“I see. As awkward as it might be it could be best to tell someone. I was young once too, you know, and keeping things bottled in is hardly ever the way to go.” He does have a little bit of a point. I remember during the whole Angelus fiasco that I wanted to talk about how I was feeling, but everyone expected me to hate him, but I didn’t. But Faith and I not speaking can’t hurt anyone. It’s just making things very awkward at the house.
“I’m still trying to process everything. I have no idea how to tell someone else what’s been going on when I’m still confused by the whole thing.” He nods his head a little and puts his little notebook in his jacket pocket. I guess he’s been taking notes on the situation but there’s not much to write about. Faith and I haven’t seen any on patrol and there’s not an unusual amount of ‘accidental’ deaths.
I have a feeling we won’t be patrolling together anymore. She won’t eat at the table with the rest of us, we don’t hang out when I get home from school, and last night Mom asked if she wanted to watch a movie with us and she turned it down and went to her room. She’s been hiding out there a lot since we got home from the Bronze. I’m just so afraid that she’s going to move out. Even if she’s pissed off at me for what I did that doesn’t mean she has to move back into a rat trap.
“Tonight you and Faith should patrol the residential areas. See if there are any suspicious characters lurking about. It’s possible the vampires may stalk their victims for a few days before making a move.” Well that’s an unsettling thought, and the vampire thing is bad too. I really don’t want to patrol with Faith. She wants her space and I’m going to respect it like I should have in the first place.
“Giles, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He gives me a strange look so I explain. He’s going to ask anyway, I might as well get it over with. “Faith and I sorta got into a fight and now we’re not talking. So, I really don’t think patrolling together is something we should do right now.” I’m not saying that Faith wouldn’t help me if I were being attacked by a group of vampires. I’m just saying it’s a possibility.
“Buffy, this is important. Now I know that you and Faith are very different and you may not always get along, but now is the time to set aside your petty differences and work together. It’s your job as slayers to stop these vampires and hopefully before they execute their plans.” Woe, woe, woe, hold on a sec. There is nothing petty about the fight we had. Look it up in a dictionary and it won’t be anywhere near petty. In fact, look petty up in a thesaurus and it’ll say what happened with Faith is an antonym. Wow, I have got to stop paying attention in English.
“We didn’t get into a fight because we’re different. We got into a fight because….” Crap, I totally almost spilled the beans. He’s looking at me with that curious look again. I need to come up with something and fast. “Because on patrol she…she can be a little…reckless, and I think one of these days she’s going to get herself hurt really bad.” He’s looking at me like he knows I’m lying, but all I do is stare back at him.
“You do have a point, although wouldn’t it be best if you were to patrol with her in case she loses control of a situation and needs help?” Damn, I should’ve thought that lie out a little more. His point is way better than mine. Ok, so I can either lie some more, tell him the truth of avoid the entire thing and leave. I guess luck is on my side today because the bell just rang which means it’s time to get to class. I pick up my back pack and practically jump out of my seat.
“Good point Giles. I’ll tell Faith you want us to patrol but if she doesn’t want to I can’t make her. Well, I gotta go, I’ll see you after school!” I yell as I make a mad dash for the door. I need to be careful. I totally almost told Giles that I’m in love with Faith. It’s not just love, I kind of hate her too. I know that’s probably wrong because I’m the one who couldn’t just leave it alone but what else was I supposed to do?
When you love someone you’re supposed to show them. You’re not supposed to just give up. At least that what I’ve been taught by not only mom but throughout history. Did Jack let that asshole get in the way of having Rose? No, he didn’t. Then again only hours later he froze to death in the Atlantic Ocean so maybe that’s not the best example. I will admit that karma totally kicked his ass.
That’s not the point. The point is they loved each other, and they were going to run off together. They would’ve been happy if he had only shoved some more stuff under that door to make it strong enough for both of them. Faith isn’t willing to risk everything and I get it. She doesn’t want to lose her daughter, and from what I’ve seen Faith loves her daughter more than anything. Then again from what I’ve seen Tanner is a great guy, and according to Faith he’s not. Is she lying? Is she just saying that he’s bad to make himself feel better about what happened?
I think I would die a little inside. I know I sound totally emo, but I think I would. I told her I love her, I shared something with her I’ve only shared with one other person. Of course it means something to me. It wasn’t just sex. It wasn’t just lusty teenage hormones caught up in the heat of the moment. I gave into my feelings for her, and she took all I had. The only problem is she won’t take it because someone else is stopping her. She’s afraid, and I get it. So now what do I do?
Bambi didn’t just sit back and let that mean boy deer steal Faline away from him. He fought for her, and they ended up having twins. And the Beast didn’t let that mean pretty boy asshole get Belle. Sure he took a beating but when he saw the love of his life come back to try and help him he stepped up and put that ass in his place, and they got their happily ever after. I know that these were Disney cartoons, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sure there are plenty of old love stories somewhere in the library about two people wanting to be together but someone else was already in the picture.
But this isn’t like it used to be. I can’t just win him in a fight (which I totally would slayer powers or no) and Faith and I ride off into the sunset. We can’t live with my mom forever, and I know Faith is going to want to move out eventually. How would I be able to afford to support us all? I don’t even have a job now. I’ve never had a job. I need to go to college and I can’t help Faith raise a baby and do that at the same time. Maybe I should just back off and let Tanner have Faith. At least he’s trying to support them.
I’m sure everything will work out. I can get a job, and we’d eventually move out of Mom’s house and into our own apartment. She’d have to get a job too though, and hire a babysitter. I’m sure Faith wouldn’t care. We would be together and happy, and Tanner would get Sam every other weekend. See, I can be civil about this. It’s not like I want to cut Tanner out of their lives completely. Ok, I do, but I won’t be a bitch about it.
“Hey Buffy.” Holy fuck! Willow scared the hell out of me. I glare at her and she just smiles. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she did that on purpose. “I thought we were going to hang out in the library?” The bell that rang wasn’t really the ‘go to class bell’. I have a free period in the morning that I spend in the library training. I didn’t want to stay in there with Giles though. The bell that rang, in case you’re wondering, was the ‘it’s time for break bell’.
“Hey Will. We were, but I thought hanging out in the quad would be a nice change of pace. We’re always in that stuffy library. I think some fresh air would do us both some good.” I wrap my arm around her shoulders and lead her towards the quad.
“What’s up with you? You’re acting a little strange today.” Dammit, I hate that she knows me so well. “You’ve been acting a little off for a while now. Especially whenever Faith is around.” Shit, Willow knows. I know she knows or else she wouldn’t be asking. And the way she said Faith’s name it’s like she’s fishing for information. Yep, that’s exactly what she’s doing.
“Nothing’s up. I just don’t want to be cooped up in the library when it’s a perfect day outside. And I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s nothing going on with me and Faith.” Smooth, Buffy, very smooth. I’m going to nominate you for the award for being the smoothest girl on Earth.
“I didn’t say there was. What happened?” Oh God, now she definitely knows something is up. I really, really hate my big mouth. Why do I have to talk so much all the time? Life would be so much easier if I could just get things right. “Come on, Buff, I’m your best friend you can tell me anything.” Great, now I have guilt. Could this day get any worse?
“Will, there’s nothing going on,” I tell her and run my hand through my hair. My arm isn’t around her shoulders anymore. I hold onto the straps of my backpack and just look straight ahead while we keep walking down this very long hallway.
“Buffy, I know you, and I can tell when you’re hiding something. If you wanna talk about it somewhere private then w can talk at your place after school. You can blow off one day of training, right?” Normally I would jump at the chance to skip training, but we can’t go back to my house. Faith is there with Sam, and she still doesn’t want anyone to know. It’s really stupid because people are going to find out eventually.
“Normally I would say yeah, but I want to get some training in. Those Nazi vamps haven’t made a move yet which can only mean something bad, and I want to be ready for them.” I can tell she’s going to suggest that maybe we can hang out at my house after training, it’s something we’ve done hundreds of times. “I’m just on edge because of these vampires. Faith and I fought two of them and they were tough. I don’t really want to imagine what it’ll be like to take on an army.”
“Since we’re talking about Faith.” Oh crap, I just had to say her name again and remind Willow about the original subject. I force myself to look calm even though I’m kind of freaking out on the inside. I just hope I don’t spas out. “Have you talked to her lately?” Ok that doesn’t sound like a loaded question or anything. I have to be careful though because she could know something and is just asking questions to get my reaction.
“Not in the last couple of days, no.” I have to fight the urge to ask why she’s asking. If I get too curious about her reasoning then she’ll get suspicious and start digging for answers. Knowing Willow she’d probably drop by my house unexpected for some girl time, and that would be bad on so many levels. “Why?” I couldn’t help myself.
“It just seems like she doesn’t want to hang out with us anymore. She hasn’t been coming here when she normally does, and she’s hardly ever at the Bronze. Do you think maybe something’s wrong.” Ok, how am I supposed to answer that? I can’t tell her the truth, obviously, but if I lie then she’ll know something’s up. Alright, I just need to stay calm and think because too much time is going by.
“I don’t know. Maybe she found some people more on her…wavelength to hang out with. It’s not like we have a lot in common. Maybe she was just hanging out with us so she wouldn’t be bored all day.” I’ll admit I’m still really angry even though I’m trying really hard not to be. These feelings are really strong and they’re not going away like I want them to.
“Maybe.” Great, now Willow sounds sad and a little confused because I got so mad. I really need to learn to control my emotions. Then again I think I’ve shown a great deal of control. I haven’t ran my fist through Tanner’s face, and I think that is very big of me. “Although we haven’t exactly made her an official scooby member. She might feel left out. Maybe we should invite her over for some girl time. We could order pizza and watch movies.” I can’t help but smile a little. That’s Willow for you, always has to make everyone feel included.
“That sounds good. We could turn it into a sleep over if you think your mom will let us spend the night.” Oh, I’m good I knew she was talking about having it at my house and I flipped it without being obvious or anything. She nods her head a little bit and we stop walking in front of her locker.
“That’s a good idea Buffy.” She smiles one of those big Willow-smiles, and puts some books in her locker and takes two more out. At least she’s not suspicious anymore. “My parents are out of town so it won’t be a problem. Call me after patrol tonight and tell me what Faith says. I need to know how many pizzas to order before I pull money out of my account.” I nod my head and ignore the subtle insult. Now there are only two problems. One: how am I going to convince Faith to have a slumber party with us? And two: how am I going to act with Faith in the same room and a lack of adult supervision?
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Know Who I Am