ONE NORMAL LIFE / TWO EXTRAORDINARY LIVES
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BtVS AU/AR › Het - Male/Female › Buffy/Spike(William)
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
210
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11,876
Reviews:
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Category:
BtVS AU/AR › Het - Male/Female › Buffy/Spike(William)
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
210
Views:
11,876
Reviews:
182
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
WHERE DO YOU FN?; N?
CHAPTER 157 – WHERE DO YOU FIT IN?
SEPTEMBER 22, 2009
MONDAY
2:00PM
“Maybe she’s not coming after all,” Dawn said, getting up to once again look out at the parking lot of her apartment.”
“I don’t know Dawn, she sounded pretty serious when I talked to her yesterday,” John said.
"Yeah, I know. She sounded pretty serious to me, too. You think she’s making a mistake.”
“I don’t know. Maybe if William knows that she’s serious, he’ll get his act together. Sometimes that’s what it takes for someone to realize what they have, and what they’re about to lose.”
“I hope so, I really...Oh, she's here," Dawn said, as she spotted Buffy’s car turning in from the road.
"I guess that answers your question," John said, he said as he joined her at the window, his hand reassuringly on the small of her back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Coming through!" a man called, just as Buffy reached the main entryway.
Buffy stepped aside, as two men carrying a couch came down the stairs of the apartment building. The door stood open, a folding chair wedged between the handle and the ground to hold it open. After letting them pass, she walked to Dawn's apartment.
Dawn and John stood there in the open doorway, as she walked up.
"I'm here guys," she said, her voice trying to sound cheery.
Dawn just nodded, putting her arms out to her. Buffy's facade crumpled, as she came into her embrace. "I left him Dawn, I really left William; I can't believe..." she whispered.
"I know,awn awn replied, trying to be strong for her.
John put his arms around them both; "It's going to be alright."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEPTEMBER 23, 2009
TUESDAY
1:00AM
JULIAN
William lost all sense of time. The day wore on, evening turned to night, and night, gave way to dawn. Still, he sat at the table; Elizabeth’s necklace and ring still clutched in his hand.
How could he have let her go, he asked himself again and again? How could he let her think that he didn’t love her anymore? Why didn’t he protest when she’d said that he didn’t want her anymore?
He glanced up at the back door, imagining her still standing there, imagining him bravely going to her, and taking her in his arms, kissing away her doubts and his fears. Imagined him showing her how much he loved her; more than life itself, more than anything.
Finally, he rose stiffly from the chair, and went into her bedroom, as if to confirm for himself that she really wasn’t there, noticing the bare hangers. Walking into the bathroom, it seemed so empty in there, with most traces of her everyday items also missing.
Everything seemed empty without her, most of all him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEPTEM26, 26, 2009
FRIDAY
2:00AM
LOS ANGELES
Buffy tossed and turned, glancing at the clock again, trying to imagine what William was doing, what he was going through. Dawn had taken the first two days off in order to be with her. Of course, they did what they always did when they were upset; they went shopping, to the movies, out to eat, shopping again. The malls had been a good distraction, and for a while, she felt a bit better, almost normal. Those feelings were short lived, however, and not even 2 pair of new shoes, expensive pair designer jeans, and sinfully, calorie rich, double-mocha cappuccinos from Gloria Jeans, and her favorite Mexican foods were going to make it all better.
She had half-heartedly looked called some of the local schools about interviews, but didn’t pursue it, or even bother to call back the one school that had seemed interested.
With a sigh, she got up, and for the umpteenth time, looked at her cell phone, to make sure it was charging, but still able to receive calls. Although it didn’t say she’d missed any calls, she dialed her voice mail anyway.
“You have 9 saved voice mails, to listen to your saved voice mails, please press 1, for other options, please press 2.”
Buffy went through the old voice mails; they were most recently from the past couple of weeks. She deleted them, until she came to the last one, surprised that it was an old one from William, on the day before they were going to leave for Fuller’s.
“Elizabeth, I don’t know if you’ll get this, but just wanted to tell you that I’m going to try to come by the school at lunch time, after I get the car checked out. Clem doesn’t think it’s anything major. I’ll do the last bit of laundry later this evening. That’s all I wanted to say...oh yeah, do you know where my water shoes are? Okay luv, hopefully I’ll see you around noon.”
Buffy pressed 1 a few more times, just to hear his voice again; a voice not filled with pain, or self-loathing, or terror.
Disconnecting from voice mail, she debated with herself a whole 2 seconds, before calling his cell phone.
“Come on William, answer the phone! I know you’re not sleeping,” she said, as it rang.
Herse qse quickened, as she heard it pick up.
“Hi, its William...leave a message, I’ll get back to you.”
Beep
Disappointment coursed through her in rhythm with her pounding heart. She hesitated a moment, before speaking; "Hey, it's me. It's the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep; I know you're awake, toowas was hoping you'd turned your phone on, but I guess not. I just wanted to see how you were and to...I miss you, William! How did we go from everything being so good, to this? I know you're suffering, but you have me, all you have to do is reach out, let me help you, let me love you still. Is it selfish of me to want that back, after everything? If that's the case, then I'm selfish. I want it back, William, I want us back. I'm sorry I lied to protect you, I'm sorry you're dealing with things I can't even imagine, about things that you don't remember, I'm sorry it's so hard on you, but I'm not sorry I love you, and I hope you're not sorry you loved me either. I just want to come home, want us to work this out, start again, start..."
Beep
To erase this message and start over, press 5, to send this message press 1, or hang up...
Buffy pressed 5, and hung up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The days since she left blended ione one another without distinction. William barely slept or ate; instead, keeping vigil mostly in her bedroom, or in the upstairs annex.
He was upstairs in the annex when the phone ring, but wasn't sure if he'd been dreaming or not. Sleep deprivation was starting to play tricks with his mind. By the time he came down from the annex to look for it, it had stopped. He found his phone on the desk, in its charger. There was no message, but it showed that he'd missed a call from Elizabeth.
He pickp thp the phone and called the first half of her numbers before he stopped, and pressed end. He picked it up again, rationalizing that it could be important, or that she could need him, be hurt.
His heart pounded as her phone rang.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy was still sitting on the edge of the bed with the phone in her hand. She jumped when it started to vibrate first, then ring.
"Hello?"
"It's me," he said after a pause, as the sound of her soft voice washed over him.
"I called."
"I know, I was upstairs...I saw your number," he whispered, his voice sounding strange in his own ears; dry and scratchy from disuse.
"I figured you'd be awake.”
The silence stretched between them awkwardly until he broke it; "Are you okay?"
"Not really, think I’ll have to go with a ‘no’ on that. "
"What's wrong?" he asked, suddenly alert.
"This! This is what's wrong William. Me being here, instead of there; you being there by yourself, that's what's wrong."
"I know," he said, as he looked at a picture of them from last Christmas Eve dinner at The Rittenhouse on the desk. His fingers gently drew the outline of her face, staring back at him from the picture. She looked so happy there with her friends, and leaning into him. "It feels that way to me, too."
The seconds passed, as they listened to each other breathe across the telephone lines.
“Come home...this is your home,” he said softly.
She closed her eyes, blinking back grateful tears, “I’ll be home tomorrowningning,” she said.
“G’night, Elizabeth.”
“Good night, William,” she said, hanging up. She let out a breath, she hadn’t even been aware she’d been holding. “Thank you,” she said to any higher being that might have interceded on her behalf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
William remained at the desk, staring at the picture, after they’d hung up. His eyes wandered down to the pretty green top Elizabeth harn. rn. His pulse quickening, as he remembered how turned on he’d been all night seeing her in that and how after everyone was gone, they’d made love on the couch and in front of the fireplace. Unconsciously, his hand rubbed across the front of his sweats, over his erection. She was coming home tomorrow, maybe...
He continued daydreaming about that evening, how afterwards they’d gone to Christmas Eve Services, how...
He stopped suddenly, and stood up from the desk, angrily kicking at the chair, before beginning to pace.
“Think Father Michael would welcome you now, if he knew you’d been a mass murdering vampire? A demon?” William’s voice rose with anger, and frustration. “I’m surprised the church didn’t shake and tremble when you arrived! Bloody joke you being there, singing, praying...belonging.”
Belonging.
As suddenly as it begun, his pacing stopped; “Where do you fit in?” he asked himself, but received no answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEPTEMBER 26, 2009
FRIDAY
8:30AM
LOS ANGELES
“Good Morning,” John said, as he walked into the kitchen.
“Good Morning,” Buffy said, smiling at him, then turned back to flip some pancakes she was cooking.
He looked at her curiously, “You’re rather chipper today. And up early, I might add.”
“Well, just thought I’d get my butt out of bed early for a change, help out a bit, and...” she said, deadpan, “it shows, huh?”
“What’s up?” John asked, noticing the sparkle in her eyes.
“I called William last night, he didn’t answer, but then he called me back in a few minutes. He told me to come home,” she said, smiling triumphantly.
“Buffy, that’s wonderful,” John said, walking over to her and giving her a hug. “So, you guys talked it out then? He’s come to some sort of terms about his past?”
“Um...we really didn’t talk much, he just told me to come home. I figure he must be ready to talk about things when I get there. It’s just harder over the phone, right?”
“Sometimes it’s easier, than face-to-face, but it’s good that he wants to do it that way, and that he wants you to come home,” he reassured her, noticing a flicker of doubt cross her eyes.
“Yeah, I honestly don’t know how much more of this I could’ve stood. I can’t lose him John, not now, not after everything we’ve been through...”
“Younot;not; I don’t think he wants to lose you either.”
“I hope you’re right, I wasn't sure that my coming here was the best..."
“Hey guys, what are we talking about?” Dawn asked, coming into the kitchen and pouring herself a coffee.
“William. Buffy talked to him last night,” John said, going over to her and giving her giving her a kiss on the cheek.
Dawn looked at Buffy, “You did?”
Buffy repeated what she had told John, “I’m going home this evening, but I’ll still go with you and help you pick out a couch today.”
“You don’t have to do that. I know you’re probably antsy to get home.”
Buffy nodded, “I am, but I told him I’d be home in the evening, and he’ll likely be sleeping all day anyway. If I leave late this afternoon, I’ll get home about the time he’s getting up. Besides, I want to go with you.”
“Okay, what were you about to say when I interrupted?”
Buffy, "Oh, just that I wasn't sure that this was the best move to make; coming here, I mean. I just had to do something..."
"Well, it looks like your plan worked," Dawn said smiling at her.
"Yeah, guess so," Buffy said, but for some reason, she didn't exactly feel like cheering yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:30PM
“You got everything?wn awn asked, as she put the larger suitcase in the car’s trunk.
“Yep, think that’s it. Got the new stuff, got the old stuff, got my purse, keys...did I get my jacket?”
“It’s in your back seat.”
“Ah...then I guess that’s it,” she said, smiling tentatively at Dawn.
“It’ll be okay, Buffy. You’ll see. In fact, I predict it’s going to be great even.”
Buffy took a deep breath, “I hope so, we’ve got a lot of things to talk over; to work out.”
“You will. He’s going to be okay from now on.”
“You think?”
“I think,” Dawn said, giving Buffy a hug.
Buffy returned the hug, and got into the driver’s side, closing the door after her. “I’ll call you tonight.”
“You’d better,” Dawn said, patting the car, “now get going.”
“Bye Dawn, thanks for everything,” she said, as she started the engine.
“Bye Buffy. Give our love to William,” Dawn called out as Buffy drove off.
“I will,” she called back, turning onto the street in front of Dawn apartment building, heading for the highway, home, and William.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JULIAN
4:00PM
The car was parked in front of the house, as William carried the last of the things he was taking with him out to the car. William’s face was a picture of grim determination, his blue eyes steely and focused on the task at hand, the telltale tracks of recent tears the only sign of his inner turmoil.
He looked back towards the porch, at the only home he remembered living in, other than his boyhood one, his resolve almost wavering. He shook his head to clear it.
“I don’t belong here,” he said, as he got into the DeSoto and drove off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JULIAN
6:00PM
Buffy sighed in relief as she pulled off at the Santa Ysabel exit. Only a few more miles, and she’d be home. Her nervousness had been increasing exponentially, the closer she got, but she told herself it was just the heavy traffic she’d been forced to deal with on a Friday evening all the way from Los Angeles.
She had tried to call William, to let him know she was on her way, but only got his voice mail. After three times, she’d given up.
Turning off the main road five minutes later, she took the long private road up to their house, and parked in front. “Hello, house,” she said softly, getting out of the car.
Buffy grabbed the small bag, jacket, and her purse from the backseat before walking up to the porch. She hesitated a minute, then tried the door. Surprisingly, it was unlocked. Ever since the attack, he’d been compulsive about keeping it locked, and would hear him checking and rechecking it many times throughout the day and night. She smiled, thinking that this had been his concession; leaving it open - for her.
She took her things to her bedroom, noticing that her bed looked like it had been slept in recently. Her heart filled with longing suddenly, and she could no longer wait. She went into the bathroom, and walked through the adjoining door to his room, “William?” she said, her face soft and expectant, as her eyes adjusted to the darkened room.
There was no answer, and it took her only a few seconds to realize he wasn’t there. She looked over towards the closet, and noticed the door was open. “Ah...,” she said, as she went up the stairs to the annex, fully expecting to see him asleep on the couch.
“Hey, it’s me. I’m home,” she said right before she got to the landing, so he wouldn’t be alarmed.
Again, there was no reply.
“William?” she said, her voice beginning to match the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Buffy noted briefly, that the room had been cleaned up before going back down the stairs. She checked out the living room again, as if she might have missed him the first time, then went through the kitchen, and out the back door. As she made her way towards thrn, rn, she noticed for the first time that the DeSoto wasn’t there.
Had he been going out recently, while she’d been gone? If he had, that would be a good sign that he was getting back in the swing of things finally. Perhaps he’d just gone out to get some groceries before she returned. Or maybe he was so glad that she was coming home, that he’d gone to buy her some flowers.
These were some of the rationalizations she clung to for his not being there, as she walked back into the house.
"Guess I'll do some unpacking in the meantime," she said, as she walked around the house to get the rest of her things out of her trunk. Buffy carried thetcastcases into her room, and opened them up on the bed. She started separating her clothes between the, 'clean and looks good enough to put away’ variety, to the 'clean, but looks all wrinkly, better wash anyway,' categories. She walked over to the dresser carrying clothes from the former, when she saw it; a letter propped up on top of her jewelry box, against the mirror that William had given her for Christmas.
The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach returned full force, as she stood staring at William’s familiar script on the envelope. The clothes tumbled half onto the dresser, half onto the floor, as Buffy finally picked up the letter, then slowly walked back over to the bed, sitting down, before opening it.
26 september 2009
Early morning
Dear Elizabe
T
This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to write, and I’m a right coward for not waiting for you to come home...but you see luv, if I saw you, I know I wouldn’t be able to do what I must, because as you know by now, I’m weak.
I can’t be with you; be what you need me to be, can’t be here, acting like I’m a normal man, living a normal life, when I don’t know what I am anymore.
You tell me that I am a man now, and was for the first almost 28 years of my life. But how can I live as one, knowing that for over 120 years, I was a monster, a killer, a demon? One who even killed his own family..
I don’t understand how you could want a thing like me, how you ever did; except that you are the most compassionate, strong, and loving person I have ever met.
You told me that in order to fight what you called The First evil, you found a way to share your unique one-girl-in-all-the-world slayer power, and now there are others to take up the fight against the darkness. That means that you were allowed for the first time to step into, and stay in the light. I feel like my being back with you, has dragged you back into that fight, into that darkness.
You deserve to have a normal life, with a normal man who hasn't been a part of that darkness, and who won't drag you back there, whether intentional or just by his very nature.
I don’t know why I was brought back, but surely, it wasn’t so that I could drag you back into that darkness, or just as bad, make you my caretaker, which you’ve been more or less since you found me in Chicago.
You were right that I promised that I’d never leave you, and as a normal man, faults and all, I never, ever would. This tears me up more than you’ll ever know...to still want you so, and to know that at the same time, I, or some part of me tried to kill you. How can I reconcile that? This is the only right thing I can do as a man.
I told you to come back, because this is your home. I’m the one who doesn’t belong here; don’t rightly know where I belong, where I fit...if anywhere.
Guess that’s what I need to find out; where I fit in.
William
END CHAPTER 157
A/N
First of all, I wanted to thank all of you who responded to me last time, and gave me your support and best wishes, over the b.s. that I got.
You guys TRULY ROCK! and I have to say, that the positive responses far outweighed the one negative one, that it was almost worth it. 'Nuff said.
Secondly, I wanted to have a much bigger update than this for you, but this last chapter has probably been the hardest of all to write - bar none - and that's since I started the darn thing! I'm working on the next chapter, but since it also is not flowing as smoothly as I hoped, thought I'd at least update to this point.
Thanks as always to my wonderful beta, Judy. Sometimes there's a part I'm writing, and for some reason it just doesn't feel right...though I don't always know why. Luckily, Judy also knows this, and will question me about something, until I either can defend my position, or work it out another way, or change it altogether. And then there's the gratifying moment, when it just 'feels right' and it's wonderful! We're like a fine, oiled machine!
Hopefully, I'll have another update shortly!
Oh, and don't worry...Buffy and William will work it out...eventually!
Sincerely,
spikealicious
SEPTEMBER 22, 2009
MONDAY
2:00PM
“Maybe she’s not coming after all,” Dawn said, getting up to once again look out at the parking lot of her apartment.”
“I don’t know Dawn, she sounded pretty serious when I talked to her yesterday,” John said.
"Yeah, I know. She sounded pretty serious to me, too. You think she’s making a mistake.”
“I don’t know. Maybe if William knows that she’s serious, he’ll get his act together. Sometimes that’s what it takes for someone to realize what they have, and what they’re about to lose.”
“I hope so, I really...Oh, she's here," Dawn said, as she spotted Buffy’s car turning in from the road.
"I guess that answers your question," John said, he said as he joined her at the window, his hand reassuringly on the small of her back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Coming through!" a man called, just as Buffy reached the main entryway.
Buffy stepped aside, as two men carrying a couch came down the stairs of the apartment building. The door stood open, a folding chair wedged between the handle and the ground to hold it open. After letting them pass, she walked to Dawn's apartment.
Dawn and John stood there in the open doorway, as she walked up.
"I'm here guys," she said, her voice trying to sound cheery.
Dawn just nodded, putting her arms out to her. Buffy's facade crumpled, as she came into her embrace. "I left him Dawn, I really left William; I can't believe..." she whispered.
"I know,awn awn replied, trying to be strong for her.
John put his arms around them both; "It's going to be alright."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEPTEMBER 23, 2009
TUESDAY
1:00AM
JULIAN
William lost all sense of time. The day wore on, evening turned to night, and night, gave way to dawn. Still, he sat at the table; Elizabeth’s necklace and ring still clutched in his hand.
How could he have let her go, he asked himself again and again? How could he let her think that he didn’t love her anymore? Why didn’t he protest when she’d said that he didn’t want her anymore?
He glanced up at the back door, imagining her still standing there, imagining him bravely going to her, and taking her in his arms, kissing away her doubts and his fears. Imagined him showing her how much he loved her; more than life itself, more than anything.
Finally, he rose stiffly from the chair, and went into her bedroom, as if to confirm for himself that she really wasn’t there, noticing the bare hangers. Walking into the bathroom, it seemed so empty in there, with most traces of her everyday items also missing.
Everything seemed empty without her, most of all him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEPTEM26, 26, 2009
FRIDAY
2:00AM
LOS ANGELES
Buffy tossed and turned, glancing at the clock again, trying to imagine what William was doing, what he was going through. Dawn had taken the first two days off in order to be with her. Of course, they did what they always did when they were upset; they went shopping, to the movies, out to eat, shopping again. The malls had been a good distraction, and for a while, she felt a bit better, almost normal. Those feelings were short lived, however, and not even 2 pair of new shoes, expensive pair designer jeans, and sinfully, calorie rich, double-mocha cappuccinos from Gloria Jeans, and her favorite Mexican foods were going to make it all better.
She had half-heartedly looked called some of the local schools about interviews, but didn’t pursue it, or even bother to call back the one school that had seemed interested.
With a sigh, she got up, and for the umpteenth time, looked at her cell phone, to make sure it was charging, but still able to receive calls. Although it didn’t say she’d missed any calls, she dialed her voice mail anyway.
“You have 9 saved voice mails, to listen to your saved voice mails, please press 1, for other options, please press 2.”
Buffy went through the old voice mails; they were most recently from the past couple of weeks. She deleted them, until she came to the last one, surprised that it was an old one from William, on the day before they were going to leave for Fuller’s.
“Elizabeth, I don’t know if you’ll get this, but just wanted to tell you that I’m going to try to come by the school at lunch time, after I get the car checked out. Clem doesn’t think it’s anything major. I’ll do the last bit of laundry later this evening. That’s all I wanted to say...oh yeah, do you know where my water shoes are? Okay luv, hopefully I’ll see you around noon.”
Buffy pressed 1 a few more times, just to hear his voice again; a voice not filled with pain, or self-loathing, or terror.
Disconnecting from voice mail, she debated with herself a whole 2 seconds, before calling his cell phone.
“Come on William, answer the phone! I know you’re not sleeping,” she said, as it rang.
Herse qse quickened, as she heard it pick up.
“Hi, its William...leave a message, I’ll get back to you.”
Beep
Disappointment coursed through her in rhythm with her pounding heart. She hesitated a moment, before speaking; "Hey, it's me. It's the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep; I know you're awake, toowas was hoping you'd turned your phone on, but I guess not. I just wanted to see how you were and to...I miss you, William! How did we go from everything being so good, to this? I know you're suffering, but you have me, all you have to do is reach out, let me help you, let me love you still. Is it selfish of me to want that back, after everything? If that's the case, then I'm selfish. I want it back, William, I want us back. I'm sorry I lied to protect you, I'm sorry you're dealing with things I can't even imagine, about things that you don't remember, I'm sorry it's so hard on you, but I'm not sorry I love you, and I hope you're not sorry you loved me either. I just want to come home, want us to work this out, start again, start..."
Beep
To erase this message and start over, press 5, to send this message press 1, or hang up...
Buffy pressed 5, and hung up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The days since she left blended ione one another without distinction. William barely slept or ate; instead, keeping vigil mostly in her bedroom, or in the upstairs annex.
He was upstairs in the annex when the phone ring, but wasn't sure if he'd been dreaming or not. Sleep deprivation was starting to play tricks with his mind. By the time he came down from the annex to look for it, it had stopped. He found his phone on the desk, in its charger. There was no message, but it showed that he'd missed a call from Elizabeth.
He pickp thp the phone and called the first half of her numbers before he stopped, and pressed end. He picked it up again, rationalizing that it could be important, or that she could need him, be hurt.
His heart pounded as her phone rang.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy was still sitting on the edge of the bed with the phone in her hand. She jumped when it started to vibrate first, then ring.
"Hello?"
"It's me," he said after a pause, as the sound of her soft voice washed over him.
"I called."
"I know, I was upstairs...I saw your number," he whispered, his voice sounding strange in his own ears; dry and scratchy from disuse.
"I figured you'd be awake.”
The silence stretched between them awkwardly until he broke it; "Are you okay?"
"Not really, think I’ll have to go with a ‘no’ on that. "
"What's wrong?" he asked, suddenly alert.
"This! This is what's wrong William. Me being here, instead of there; you being there by yourself, that's what's wrong."
"I know," he said, as he looked at a picture of them from last Christmas Eve dinner at The Rittenhouse on the desk. His fingers gently drew the outline of her face, staring back at him from the picture. She looked so happy there with her friends, and leaning into him. "It feels that way to me, too."
The seconds passed, as they listened to each other breathe across the telephone lines.
“Come home...this is your home,” he said softly.
She closed her eyes, blinking back grateful tears, “I’ll be home tomorrowningning,” she said.
“G’night, Elizabeth.”
“Good night, William,” she said, hanging up. She let out a breath, she hadn’t even been aware she’d been holding. “Thank you,” she said to any higher being that might have interceded on her behalf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
William remained at the desk, staring at the picture, after they’d hung up. His eyes wandered down to the pretty green top Elizabeth harn. rn. His pulse quickening, as he remembered how turned on he’d been all night seeing her in that and how after everyone was gone, they’d made love on the couch and in front of the fireplace. Unconsciously, his hand rubbed across the front of his sweats, over his erection. She was coming home tomorrow, maybe...
He continued daydreaming about that evening, how afterwards they’d gone to Christmas Eve Services, how...
He stopped suddenly, and stood up from the desk, angrily kicking at the chair, before beginning to pace.
“Think Father Michael would welcome you now, if he knew you’d been a mass murdering vampire? A demon?” William’s voice rose with anger, and frustration. “I’m surprised the church didn’t shake and tremble when you arrived! Bloody joke you being there, singing, praying...belonging.”
Belonging.
As suddenly as it begun, his pacing stopped; “Where do you fit in?” he asked himself, but received no answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEPTEMBER 26, 2009
FRIDAY
8:30AM
LOS ANGELES
“Good Morning,” John said, as he walked into the kitchen.
“Good Morning,” Buffy said, smiling at him, then turned back to flip some pancakes she was cooking.
He looked at her curiously, “You’re rather chipper today. And up early, I might add.”
“Well, just thought I’d get my butt out of bed early for a change, help out a bit, and...” she said, deadpan, “it shows, huh?”
“What’s up?” John asked, noticing the sparkle in her eyes.
“I called William last night, he didn’t answer, but then he called me back in a few minutes. He told me to come home,” she said, smiling triumphantly.
“Buffy, that’s wonderful,” John said, walking over to her and giving her a hug. “So, you guys talked it out then? He’s come to some sort of terms about his past?”
“Um...we really didn’t talk much, he just told me to come home. I figure he must be ready to talk about things when I get there. It’s just harder over the phone, right?”
“Sometimes it’s easier, than face-to-face, but it’s good that he wants to do it that way, and that he wants you to come home,” he reassured her, noticing a flicker of doubt cross her eyes.
“Yeah, I honestly don’t know how much more of this I could’ve stood. I can’t lose him John, not now, not after everything we’ve been through...”
“Younot;not; I don’t think he wants to lose you either.”
“I hope you’re right, I wasn't sure that my coming here was the best..."
“Hey guys, what are we talking about?” Dawn asked, coming into the kitchen and pouring herself a coffee.
“William. Buffy talked to him last night,” John said, going over to her and giving her giving her a kiss on the cheek.
Dawn looked at Buffy, “You did?”
Buffy repeated what she had told John, “I’m going home this evening, but I’ll still go with you and help you pick out a couch today.”
“You don’t have to do that. I know you’re probably antsy to get home.”
Buffy nodded, “I am, but I told him I’d be home in the evening, and he’ll likely be sleeping all day anyway. If I leave late this afternoon, I’ll get home about the time he’s getting up. Besides, I want to go with you.”
“Okay, what were you about to say when I interrupted?”
Buffy, "Oh, just that I wasn't sure that this was the best move to make; coming here, I mean. I just had to do something..."
"Well, it looks like your plan worked," Dawn said smiling at her.
"Yeah, guess so," Buffy said, but for some reason, she didn't exactly feel like cheering yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:30PM
“You got everything?wn awn asked, as she put the larger suitcase in the car’s trunk.
“Yep, think that’s it. Got the new stuff, got the old stuff, got my purse, keys...did I get my jacket?”
“It’s in your back seat.”
“Ah...then I guess that’s it,” she said, smiling tentatively at Dawn.
“It’ll be okay, Buffy. You’ll see. In fact, I predict it’s going to be great even.”
Buffy took a deep breath, “I hope so, we’ve got a lot of things to talk over; to work out.”
“You will. He’s going to be okay from now on.”
“You think?”
“I think,” Dawn said, giving Buffy a hug.
Buffy returned the hug, and got into the driver’s side, closing the door after her. “I’ll call you tonight.”
“You’d better,” Dawn said, patting the car, “now get going.”
“Bye Dawn, thanks for everything,” she said, as she started the engine.
“Bye Buffy. Give our love to William,” Dawn called out as Buffy drove off.
“I will,” she called back, turning onto the street in front of Dawn apartment building, heading for the highway, home, and William.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JULIAN
4:00PM
The car was parked in front of the house, as William carried the last of the things he was taking with him out to the car. William’s face was a picture of grim determination, his blue eyes steely and focused on the task at hand, the telltale tracks of recent tears the only sign of his inner turmoil.
He looked back towards the porch, at the only home he remembered living in, other than his boyhood one, his resolve almost wavering. He shook his head to clear it.
“I don’t belong here,” he said, as he got into the DeSoto and drove off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JULIAN
6:00PM
Buffy sighed in relief as she pulled off at the Santa Ysabel exit. Only a few more miles, and she’d be home. Her nervousness had been increasing exponentially, the closer she got, but she told herself it was just the heavy traffic she’d been forced to deal with on a Friday evening all the way from Los Angeles.
She had tried to call William, to let him know she was on her way, but only got his voice mail. After three times, she’d given up.
Turning off the main road five minutes later, she took the long private road up to their house, and parked in front. “Hello, house,” she said softly, getting out of the car.
Buffy grabbed the small bag, jacket, and her purse from the backseat before walking up to the porch. She hesitated a minute, then tried the door. Surprisingly, it was unlocked. Ever since the attack, he’d been compulsive about keeping it locked, and would hear him checking and rechecking it many times throughout the day and night. She smiled, thinking that this had been his concession; leaving it open - for her.
She took her things to her bedroom, noticing that her bed looked like it had been slept in recently. Her heart filled with longing suddenly, and she could no longer wait. She went into the bathroom, and walked through the adjoining door to his room, “William?” she said, her face soft and expectant, as her eyes adjusted to the darkened room.
There was no answer, and it took her only a few seconds to realize he wasn’t there. She looked over towards the closet, and noticed the door was open. “Ah...,” she said, as she went up the stairs to the annex, fully expecting to see him asleep on the couch.
“Hey, it’s me. I’m home,” she said right before she got to the landing, so he wouldn’t be alarmed.
Again, there was no reply.
“William?” she said, her voice beginning to match the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Buffy noted briefly, that the room had been cleaned up before going back down the stairs. She checked out the living room again, as if she might have missed him the first time, then went through the kitchen, and out the back door. As she made her way towards thrn, rn, she noticed for the first time that the DeSoto wasn’t there.
Had he been going out recently, while she’d been gone? If he had, that would be a good sign that he was getting back in the swing of things finally. Perhaps he’d just gone out to get some groceries before she returned. Or maybe he was so glad that she was coming home, that he’d gone to buy her some flowers.
These were some of the rationalizations she clung to for his not being there, as she walked back into the house.
"Guess I'll do some unpacking in the meantime," she said, as she walked around the house to get the rest of her things out of her trunk. Buffy carried thetcastcases into her room, and opened them up on the bed. She started separating her clothes between the, 'clean and looks good enough to put away’ variety, to the 'clean, but looks all wrinkly, better wash anyway,' categories. She walked over to the dresser carrying clothes from the former, when she saw it; a letter propped up on top of her jewelry box, against the mirror that William had given her for Christmas.
The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach returned full force, as she stood staring at William’s familiar script on the envelope. The clothes tumbled half onto the dresser, half onto the floor, as Buffy finally picked up the letter, then slowly walked back over to the bed, sitting down, before opening it.
26 september 2009
Early morning
Dear Elizabe
T
This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to write, and I’m a right coward for not waiting for you to come home...but you see luv, if I saw you, I know I wouldn’t be able to do what I must, because as you know by now, I’m weak.
I can’t be with you; be what you need me to be, can’t be here, acting like I’m a normal man, living a normal life, when I don’t know what I am anymore.
You tell me that I am a man now, and was for the first almost 28 years of my life. But how can I live as one, knowing that for over 120 years, I was a monster, a killer, a demon? One who even killed his own family..
I don’t understand how you could want a thing like me, how you ever did; except that you are the most compassionate, strong, and loving person I have ever met.
You told me that in order to fight what you called The First evil, you found a way to share your unique one-girl-in-all-the-world slayer power, and now there are others to take up the fight against the darkness. That means that you were allowed for the first time to step into, and stay in the light. I feel like my being back with you, has dragged you back into that fight, into that darkness.
You deserve to have a normal life, with a normal man who hasn't been a part of that darkness, and who won't drag you back there, whether intentional or just by his very nature.
I don’t know why I was brought back, but surely, it wasn’t so that I could drag you back into that darkness, or just as bad, make you my caretaker, which you’ve been more or less since you found me in Chicago.
You were right that I promised that I’d never leave you, and as a normal man, faults and all, I never, ever would. This tears me up more than you’ll ever know...to still want you so, and to know that at the same time, I, or some part of me tried to kill you. How can I reconcile that? This is the only right thing I can do as a man.
I told you to come back, because this is your home. I’m the one who doesn’t belong here; don’t rightly know where I belong, where I fit...if anywhere.
Guess that’s what I need to find out; where I fit in.
William
END CHAPTER 157
A/N
First of all, I wanted to thank all of you who responded to me last time, and gave me your support and best wishes, over the b.s. that I got.
You guys TRULY ROCK! and I have to say, that the positive responses far outweighed the one negative one, that it was almost worth it. 'Nuff said.
Secondly, I wanted to have a much bigger update than this for you, but this last chapter has probably been the hardest of all to write - bar none - and that's since I started the darn thing! I'm working on the next chapter, but since it also is not flowing as smoothly as I hoped, thought I'd at least update to this point.
Thanks as always to my wonderful beta, Judy. Sometimes there's a part I'm writing, and for some reason it just doesn't feel right...though I don't always know why. Luckily, Judy also knows this, and will question me about something, until I either can defend my position, or work it out another way, or change it altogether. And then there's the gratifying moment, when it just 'feels right' and it's wonderful! We're like a fine, oiled machine!
Hopefully, I'll have another update shortly!
Oh, and don't worry...Buffy and William will work it out...eventually!
Sincerely,
spikealicious