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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Ok, don’t chicken out. You can do this. Why am I talking to myself in third person? Well you have been feeling a little out of whack because of the whole Faith thing. That’s true, good point. So I can totally do this. I can open the front door, walk into the house, and talk to Faith about what happened, and what we’re going to do now. We can’t be together, obviously, but maybe she has a plan. At least I hope she does because I’m not feeling as confident as I was this morning.
Alright, I can do this. I open the door very slowly and the first thing I hear is the sound of Sam crying. Ok, this is not something I want to deal with right now, or at all. I shut the door and follow the sound of the crying. I see Sam sitting in the chair by the couch, and Faith on the couch flipping through a magazine. I don’t know how she can stand listening to that because I’ve only been here for fifteen seconds and I’m going insane.
“Hey,” I have to raise my voice a little so she’ll hear me. Sam looks up from her ‘time out’ spot and stops crying. She gets a big pout on her face and it pulls at my heart strings. In less than one week I’ve become this kid’s favorite person. All she has to do is give me a little pout and I’ll do just about anything for her. For example, two nights ago we were eating ice cream in the kitchen and Sam finished her bowl first. All she had to do was stick out that lip, and bat those eyelashes and I gave her some of mine when no one was looking. Anyway, she holds out her arms for me to pick her up and I want to so badly.
“Look away from the cuteness, B. Just look away,” Faith says and it pulls me out of that trance. I look away from Sam and she instantly starts crying again. Time out only lasts five minutes, but it has to be five minutes of quiet. “Come on, let’s go chill in the kitchen.” ‘Chill in the kitchen’? Where the hell did she learn how to speak? She’s hot, and sexy, but sometimes I think she goes a little too far with the language. But whatever, I have more important things to think about.
“Faith, we really need to talk about what happened.” Ok, so I didn’t mean to just blurt that out but it needed to be said. She’s not breathing anymore so that’s probably not a good sign. I sit down at the center island but she doesn’t move. “I know we already talked a little, but we need to figure out what we’re going to do. I’m not asking for anything here. I know what Sam means to you and I’d never ask you to do anything that would possibly get her taken from you.”
“Then there’s nothing to talk about.” I can just tell by looking into her eyes that she’s scared. I guess she’s afraid I’m going to ask something like that. “I don’t regret what we did, and if we could do it again I would in a heartbeat, but that doesn’t matter.” Why not? That should matter.
“I don’t get it, Faith. If you don’t want to be with Tanner anymore then why don’t you just explain that to him? I’m sure he’ll understand.” She shakes her head and she looks really stressed out. To someone who doesn’t know her very well she probably looks calm, but I can tell she’s stressing out. Her eyes keep darting around the room and she won’t look at something for more than four or five seconds.
“Buffy, you’ve known him for a week. You don’t know shit when it comes to Tanner.” Alright, so he’s not as nice as he seems. Well, that’s a relief. Only evil people are that happy all the time. But she doesn’t have to be so mean about it. Just because I don’t know Tanner very well it doesn’t mean she gets to be a bitch about it.
“It’s not like he can just take Sam away. You’re her mother, you have rights.” This is so not how I pictured this conversation going. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. If Faith doesn’t want to leave Tanner because she’s too scared then that’s her business. So before she can say anything I start talking again. I know that makes her mad, but oh well. “I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. You have enough to deal with already. What happened…” was the best thing I’ve ever experienced. “Was probably a mistake. So let’s not talk about it anymore, and just act like nothing ever happened, ok?” I had to force those words out of my mouth.
“Yeah, whatever,” she says and opens the fridge door. So now she’s just going to ignore me? Well, this is just great. What I want to know is why she doesn’t regret it. Does she have feelings for me or was I just that good? She told me that since she became a slayer Tanner hasn’t been able to satisfy her. So was I able to do that? Is that why she doesn’t regret it? She does seem a little different today, but that could just be the fact that I saw her naked. I don’t think I’ll look at her the same again.
“Do you have feelings for me?” I know I shouldn’t be asking this because it’ll probably complicate things even more than they already are, but I have to know. She looks over at me with those big doe eyes and I feel like I’m melting inside. She doesn’t even have to say anything. I can tell just by looking into her eyes that it’s more than just sexual attraction between us. But nothing can be…I don’t know, real I guess, until she says it out loud. I wait for what feels like forever, and all she does is stare at me with those eyes that have more emotion in them then I can describe.
“Because I have feelings for you,” my voice doesn’t have any irritation or frustration or anything like that. I sound a little scared. It’s not like I don’t have a reason. I’m practically bearing my soul and I’ve never been good when it comes to opening up and sharing my feelings. She looks really tense, but I have to keep going. “I didn’t ask for them, at first I didn’t even want them, but they’re here and they’re growing every day.” I can feel tears starting to build but I bite them back. I have to get the rest of it out or I might explode.
“You get jealous when I’m around Scott, but imagine how I feel. I come downstairs to eat breakfast and you two are hanging all over each other, and at night I try so hard to tune you out but I can hear you talking to each other and it hurts because I want you so bad. I don’t just want to have sex with you. I want to hold you when we fall asleep, and kiss you goodbye when I leave in the morning.” She looks shocked, and I swear those are tears building in her eyes. “And I see Tanner showering you with affection, and giving Sam all kinds of attention and I can’t help but think ‘why would she want anyone else when she has him?’ But you don’t want him.”
I stop talking mostly because there’s a lump forming in my throat. She just stares back at me like she’s paralyzed or something. The only sound in the room is Sam’s soft voice floating in from the other room. I have no idea what she’s saying but it doesn’t matter. All that matters right now is that Faith is just standing there after I said all of that. It doesn’t look like she’s trying to speak but she could just be trying to form the words in her head. I’m looking into her eyes and I can’t tell what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling, and I’m really scared now. Usually all I have to do is look into those expressive eyes and I get a good idea of what’s going on inside her mind. But right now when it’s probably the most important time for me to know how she feels I’m completely clueless.
“B, you don’t get it. Tanner’s not…he’s….” she trails off and I can tell she’s trying really hard to form the words. So he’s what? What is he?! She glances towards the living room and then looks into my eyes with a desperate look. “He’ll take Sam away from me, and I can’t live without her.” But I don’t understand how he can take Sam from her. Faith has slayer strength and me on her side. Tanner wouldn’t get anywhere near Samantha. “He loves me, and I can’t just walk away from that.” But she doesn’t love him! She doesn’t have to stay with him if she doesn’t want to. This is America, freedom of choice is like our policy or something.
“Do you love him?” I ask and my voice is shaky whisper. I can feel my heart pounding in my ears and my lips feel really dry for some reason. Time seems to slow down as she slowly shakes her head no. My heart starts beating tenfold and I don’t know if I should ask my next question or not. What if I don’t like the answer? I don’t think I could handle that. But I have to know. Not knowing is killing me. “Do you love me?” If you thought my heart was beating fast before you should feel it now.
“I…I don’t know. I do have feelings for you, but I don’t know exactly what it is. All this shit is happening too fast and I can’t think.” I walk around to the other side of the island. She looks so scared, about as scared as I feel, and I just want to take her into my arms and hold her until she doesn’t have that terrified look in her eyes. I don’t do that though because I might scare her off. Instead I slowly lift my head up and gently caress her left cheek.
“Why are you so afraid of him?” I make sure to keep my voice gentle. She’s probably not going to tell me, but if my voice is harsh or demanding then she’ll definitely run away from me. “He’s just a guy, right? We fight vampires and demons almost every night. So why is he so scary?” She swallows and it’s a very loud gulp. I keep up my gentle caress but it’s not really helping her. She’s shaking a little, and right now I really want to take her into my arms.
“He knows how to hurt me. He’s really not what you think.” So he’s not really a person? If he’s some kind of demon then there’s a simple solution to that. “It doesn’t matter what I do or where I go. He’ll find me and he’ll take her. The only way I can keep her is if I go back to my parents, and I can’t do that. They’ll just get custody and give her to social services. I can’t ask for help or the Council will find out about her and take her away from me.” So that’s why she’s so afraid. Tanner will take her to court and get custody of Sam. Faith has told me a little more about Tanner’s parents and apparently all he has to do is take Sam back to them and they’ll hire the best lawyers in Boston, and make sure he has enough money to provide for both him and his daughter.
“Faith you know as well as I do that Giles would never let anyone take Sam away from you. He hasn’t been like all the other watchers for a very long time. He puts the well being of others over the rules of the Council. He’ll take you in, and make sure that no one, not even Tanner, goes anywhere near you.” Her eyes are full of doubt and she looks like she’s about to bolt. I gently run my thumb along her full bottom lip. She opens her mouth just a little bit and takes in a deep breath.
“Sam needs a dad, B. She needs her dad in her life. My dad was never really there for me, and it screwed me up. I can’t do that to her.” I hang my head because I know she’s right. My dad walked out on us way before my mom kicked him out and I have major issues now. Add them to the alone feeling I get because I’m a slayer and I’m practically a basket full of crazy.
I feel Faith’s hand softly cup the one I have on her cheek and I look up. There’s something different in her eyes now. It’s a sadness that I’ve never seen before in anyone, and it’s totally breaking my heart. She leaves a gentle kiss on the pad of my thumb and steps backwards out of my reach. I can just tell that we’re done talking about this and probably for the rest of forever. The tears that have been building in her eyes for a while now finally cascade down her cheeks leaving wet trails that she doesn’t bother wiping away. Before I can say anything else she flees from the rom. I’ve never seen Faith flee before. It’s really weird. If she had a tail it definitely would’ve been tucked between her legs. Well that conversation really sucked, didn’t it?
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Know Who I Am