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Love and Death Embrace	By : addielogan Category: > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 4146 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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�You want me to��
Buffy jumped up from the bed, grabbing the comforter and wrapping it around
her. �No. No��

Spike sat up.
�Buffy, don�t just run off,� he said, running his hand through his rumpled
curls. �Let�s at least talk about this.�

Buffy held out
the hand that wasn�t currently clutching the blanket to her chest. �There is nothing to talk about, Spike. We�re not
discussing this. Ever.�

�It would be the
easiest way for us to��

�Easy? You think it would be easy? God, Spike, do you have any idea
what becoming a vampire does to you? What it�s like to�� She stopped, a lump
forming in her throat as she thought about her own turning, unable to finish
her sentence. �It�s not easy.�

�I didn�t mean it
like that. I know it�s not something to be taken lightly. But it�s our best
shot at being together. You�ve got to know that, Buffy. Even if�even if you
don�t like it.�

Her eyes slid
shut as Buffy admitted what he was saying with a soft, �I do.� But then she was
looking at him again, fire back in her gaze. �Which is why we
can�t work forever, Spike. Or even any sort of long term. I�m dead, and
that�s a pretty much a permanent state. I can�t ever go back to being like you
are now. And as far as the reverse�� She shook her head, standing her ground.
�I won�t do it. I won�t. Don�t ask me
for this.�

Spike couldn�t
help but feel hurt by her unwavering denial of his request. He understood her own turning had been difficult, but it wouldn�t be the
same for them. She wasn�t Angelus, and she wouldn�t be doing it to hurt or
control him. Didn�t she love him like he loved her? Didn�t she want an eternity feeling this way?
�Can�t you at least give it some bloody thought before you dismiss it
outright?�

�Can�t you give it some bloody thought?� Buffy
countered. �This isn�t something that can be undone. It�s not something you can
try out for a bit, and if you don�t like it, you can go back to your old life.
I turn you, and that�s it. You�re dead.�

�Undead,� Spike
corrected.

�Same
fucking thing!� Buffy screamed.
She shook her head. �What is it with humans and their romantic notions of
vampires, huh? We�re blood-sucking corpses, for chrissakes
� not characters in an Anne Rice novel.�

Spike got off the
bed then, not bothering to cover up as he stalked towards her, backing her up
against the wall. He took hold of her shoulders, forcing her to stay close to
him, to look into his eyes. �I don�t have romantic notions about vampires,
Buffy. I know what they are. Trust me, I�ve seen it first hand � seen everything first hand � and I know what I�m asking. But I love you. I need you. I�d give up everything I am,
everything I�ve ever known, just to be with you. I�ve waited my whole life to
feel this complete with someone else. To have this, to have
you, forever? I don�t care what the price is � any price is worth it.�

Buffy could see
in her eyes that Spike was serious. He did know what he was asking her � or at
least he thought he did.

Somehow, it only
made her even more determined to tell him no.

Spike was a good
man. Despite what he�d done to her in the beginning, she had absolutely no
doubt of that. He�d tried to close off his heart after losing his wife, but
Buffy knew it was still open, still warm � still
beating.

She�d never be
the one responsible for changing that. No matter what she felt for him, the
burning passion between them, or her desire to spend centuries at his side, she
would never be the one to take away that part of him. He may not think the
price was too much, but Buffy knew it was.

She could never
go on with the knowledge she�d changed anything about this man.

It was even clearer
to her now that they could never be together. It broke her heart more than
she�d ever known possible, but the truth was blindingly obvious now. She�d been
setting herself up for heartbreak by simply entertaining the notion. The
problem was, he wasn�t able to see the truth, too.
Instead of just enjoying what little time they did have together, he was trying
to hold on to the impossible.

And now, he was
entertaining notions that�

No.

She had to put an
end to this now, as much as it broke her heart. If she let
things continue, if she let him keep thinking that things could change, that he could change. Even if she knew
enough about vampires to know he�d still be himself at his core, she also knew
it was impossible to go through something like that and remain completely
unchanged. The mission that drove him now would be lost. He�d become what he
hated, what he fought against.

She couldn�t take
part in that.

Her heart
crumbled in her chest, but she steeled herself to do what she had to do.

Her fangs burst
through her gums as the bones in her face shifted. �Is this
what you want, Spike? Is this what you want to be? A
monster?�

�Buffy��

She ignored the
plea in his voice and let the blanket drop before grabbing him by the neck and
tossing him against the wall. She kept him pinned with one arm, letting him
know for the first time just how strong she was. �This is what you want? This?� She snarled before she let go of
his neck just long enough to take his flesh between her fangs. She wasn�t
gentle this time, didn�t try to make it about pleasure. She wanted to hurt him.
She wanted him to know�

She pulled her
mouth away from him, blood on her lips and chin. �Is that what you want?� she
asked again, her voice sounding something other than human.

Spike put his
hand against the wound. �Why are you doing this?�

�Because I don�t
want you,� Buffy snapped. �What, did you really think I meant any of it? Did
you think I could actually fall
in love in a matter of days with a man who tortured
me?� She sneered at him. �And a human, no less.
I�ve been playing you the whole time, making you think you did anything other
than disgust me on the off chance I
could manipulate you into not staking me when this is over. But I certainly
didn�t want to get stuck with someone
as pathetic as you forever. I�ve been
barely tolerating you as it is.�

�You don�t mean
this,� Spike said, shaking his head in denial. �I know you don�t, Buffy. I�I
saw what was in your eyes when� I know you felt the same way I do every time I
was inside you.�

�You saw what you
wanted to see.�

�No. I saw what was there. You can�t deny
that.�

�Are you honestly
that delusional? I�m a demon, Spike! And you�� She sneered and stepped away
from him. �You�re beneath me.�

In an instant,
his face grew hard. He pushed her back, making her stumble as he stormed away
from the wall and began to gather his clothes from around the room. He dressed
quickly, without even a glance in her direction, then
stormed out of the apartment and into the glaring sun, the door slamming hard
behind him.

As soon as she
knew he was gone, Buffy sank to the floor and cried.

*** *** ***

Spike had been
gone for hours, and Buffy was starting to worry. She was glad she�d never told
him where Angelus was, afraid now that if she had, she would�ve pushed him to
think a daytime raid would be a smart idea. It wouldn�t have been � Angelus had
guards standing at all times.

But that didn�t
mean he couldn�t have gotten himself into some other kind of trouble. What if
her cruel words had pushed him into doing something stupid? Could he be in
danger right then? What if he was dead?

The sun was
bright outside the apartment, and Buffy had noted when she�d arrived that the
nearest sewer entrance was really too far away for her to make it. Damn Los
Angeles and all its blinding sunlight� She certainly couldn�t do Spike any good if he were
in trouble and she was just a pile of dust.

Buffy wished more
than anything that Spike had just kept his sudden desire to become undead to
himself. She�d wanted to spend the time before they went after Angelus in his
arms, building memories that were supposed to last with her into immortality,
even after he was long gone. She hadn�t
wanted the time they�d spent together to be tainted with an ending like this.

And what if this
really was the end of them? What if he never came back? Already Buffy was
certain she�d never get to touch him again, but to never even get to see him
one last time? To have her last memory of his face one where he was looking at
her in anger?

She always wanted to remember the love she�d seen in
his eyes�

She tried to keep
herself together and stay calm, dressing herself in the t-shirt and sweatpants
he�d bought for her earlier and drinking the hospital blood, wanting to make
sure her healing didn�t stall. She kept telling herself he�d just needed some
distance from her after what she�d said, and he�d be back soon.

However, when the
sun began to set and he still hadn�t returned, Buffy felt genuine panic begin
to set in. He�d been gone for hours. Her mind went back to her earlier
thoughts, fears that he�d go out and do something stupid. She�d said what she
said to protect him � she certainly didn�t want it to backfire and get him
hurt.

She had just
about to go out and look for him herself, when the door opened. She jumped up
from the edge of the couch, her hands on her hips. �Where did you go? You�ve
been gone all day! For all I know, you could�ve been hurt, dammit!�

He arched an
eyebrow. �And you care because�? You hate me, remember?�

Buffy dropped her
hands, a quick wince passing over her features. �Oh, right. Well, you�ve been
my source of food recently, so��

�Whatever,� Spike
said briskly before tossing her a shopping bag. �Put these on.�

Buffy looked in
the bag, finding a pair of jeans, a top, and boots. The sizes were all correct,
and Buffy couldn�t help but blush a little as she thought about how he�d have
such intimate knowledge of her measurements.

�Now?� she asked,
not understanding why he would stay gone all day only to come back right after
sunset and throw a bag of clothes at her. �Why do you want me to get dressed? I
mean, other than in what I�m wearing, since I assume we won�t be doing anything
naked anymore��

�We�re going
after Angelus,� Spike said tersely, cutting her off.

She hadn�t been
expecting that. She�d assumed that there�d be more planning, maybe a bit more
healing on her part. Granted, she felt strong enough now, but� �Spike, I don�t
think this is a good idea. Not right now. You�re upset, you�re being brash,
and��

�I�m not waiting
anymore. I want this over with, and I want it over with tonight. Whatever
happens from this point, I don�t care, but I�m not waiting around anymore
knowing that bastard is anything other than a pile of dust. So do you plan on
actually honoring our deal, or are you going to take that back, too?�

His words stung,
and Buffy flinched from the harshness in his tone. �I don�t want to back out of
the deal,� she assured him. �I just don�t think now is the best time.�

�And I don�t
really give a bloody fuck about what you think, so if you�re going to help me,
get dressed now. Otherwise, I�m going to search this whole bloody city until I
find the bastard. Understood?�

Buffy had a very,
very bad feeling about this. She didn�t like to do things without some form of
planning. At least some discussion about who was going to do what. But Spike
did not look like he was in the mood to discuss anything.

He looked like he
was in the mood to kill.

Or possibly get killed�

She didn�t like
this, but she had to go with him. Even if going now meant saying good-bye
sooner, if it meant she�d have to leave tonight and never see him again, she
couldn�t let him go in alone.

She had to make sure he got out of this alive.

Without another
word, Buffy changed her clothes.

*** *** ***

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Love and Death Embrace