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Independence	By : norwalker Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Faith/Willow Views: 7379 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
Independence

By Norwalker

Part 14 of

Summary: What did Willow and Faith discuss in that little car trip from L.A. to Sunnydale in season 7? And what were the consequences? A Willow/ Faith story

Rating: R, Very R
Category: romance/drama/angst
Spoilers: Possible season 7 spoilers. Possible season 4 Angel spoilers. C'mon, you must have seen 'em by now!
Time Line: Mid season 7(after the return of Faith) and beyond
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon , Mutant Enemy and Fox own them.

Warnings: Adult themes, violence, sexual situations between members of the same gender. Please be aware, character death is always a distinct possibility. It can happen here, so don't say I didn't warn you!!! Any racist remarks are spoken by the characters, and are in no way shared by the author. This story is not meant for children.
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Los Angeles, California
Now

Faith pulls her Harley Road King up in front of the old dilapidated hotel that used to house the offices of Angel Investigations . Except, if you looked at it now, you would have a hard time calling it ' dilapidated '. A crew has been working on it for two weeks, readying it for the memorial service to be held here in a couple of days. It has cost a small(well, not so small) fortune to get the work done in that time, but looking around, Faith felt it was worth it.
Where better to remember Angel, Wes , Gunn and Lorne? Even Fred… though that thing…wasn't exactly Fred. Man, all the stuff that went on here… if only these walls could talk. No one left to tell the story. Not completely. I know a little of it, but … God, I wish this wasn't happening. I'd give anything to see them here, talking, laughing, fighting with each other, or against some baddie… just to say hi, and see Wes's typical " Oh god, she's here" look… or Angel deadpanning a joke that nobody gets… even hear Cordy whine about this or that… God, it tore Angel up when she died… little did he know how soon he would be following her…
Faith walks into the garden off the side entrance, and her she's overwhelmed by other, more personal memories. She finds herself having a hard time breathing, as if something is stuck in her throat. Just your heart, fool. Without realizing it, she sits in the same spot she did over a year ago, when it all started. She looks around , and can hear the faint echoes of the voices of the people who lived and worked here. Stronger is Willow's voice, cajoling and arguing and guilting her into going to Sunnydale to fight the First. If I knew then what I know now, would I have gone? Or would I have run screaming in the other direction… maybe wind up in Brazil? A tight smile forms on her face; she knows what-ifs are pretty stupid.

East coast, 8 months prior
Her life had changed radically since that night in Boston. The night you murdered your father, Faith. Admit it! No, I killed a demon… that thing was never anything's father… certainly not mine. Learning about her family, what their purpose was, and about her destiny… all had been too much for her to handle. She knew time was short; her grandmother was dying, she had to come to a decision. But she knew she couldn't just digest everything then and there. She took off to find the answers.
Basically, she got lost. She drove north until she found a spot that wasn't overcrowded with tourists. It was very rustic, emphasis on rust, and the only motel made the dives in Sunnydale look like the Hilton. But that didn't matter; what did matter is she was alone. Nothing nagging at her, nothing bothering her. She liked the sense of quiet and peace; it helped calm the storm raging in her head. She spent her days walking around, not caring where she went. She just wanted to go somewhere, work off the energy burning within her.
What she thought about was her life. What it had been up to now. She looked at her childhood, bouncing from place to place, shoved away when she finally was ' brought home', and finally running away to escape the strictures and lack of warmth in that 'house'. How she was thrown in Juvey, only to be 'rescued' by her watcher. How she drifted after her watcher's death, running from a Daddy Vamp that had it in for her. How she came to Sunnyhell, trying to fit into another group of people. When things went to shit, how she ran to the mayor. When that blew up in her face, and she woke from her coma, she ran again. Trying to be Buffy, literally, and then running out, finding Angel, and her redemption.
I'm always running from something, or to something, because I can't figure out who I am. Scared because of the feelings I've got. Always desperately wanting to belong, and never feeling part of anything. How do I belong somewhere, when I can't give anything? How can I give anything, when I don't know what I want? How do I know what I want, when I don't know who I am?
Who are you, Faith? Demon or human? Good or bad? Sometimes I get so angry, so frustrated because no matter what I do, I get dumped on again. I want to tear things up, destroy things… just to feel better, let the anger out. I've killed without thinking about it, relishing the sense of power it gave. I've seen their eyes as they die, the fear, the hate, the anger, and I've fed off it. It's powerful, it's addicting… and I hate it. I hate what it makes me, what it does to me. The thing I become. I hate looking in the mirror, seeing that darkness looking out at me, laughing at me. Taunting me. Knowing that at times, I want it. Because it stops the pain.
It's part of me, I can't deny that. But is it me? Is it what I was meant to be? A killer? Is that all I got to give? I can't buy that, not if I wanna stay sane. I have to feel the pain, if I wanna feel the other stuff. I gotta feel something, cuz the thing I hate most is the cold I feel. Like feeling nothing. Like not existing. I can't be that thing, I can't let it be all that I am. If that's all I got, then I don't want it. I can't live with it. I might as well cut my throat right now, cuz that can't be me… I won't be that. I'd rather …
Images and feelings flashed through her. The look of surprise on Buffy's face when she first found out about Faith. The look of hatred on Kakistos face when he found her. The relief she felt when she killed him. The surprise Buffy showed when she killed Mr. Trick, saving her from death. The look of disgust in Willow's eyes when she threatened Willow in the mayor's office. The anger she felt at that, how she'd wanted to cut that sneer off her face. The look of surprise on Buffy's face, and her own surprise, when Buffy stabbed her on the rooftop. The gloating she did when Buffy, in her body, was led away by the police. How that was replaced by self loathing when in the end, she realized what she didn't have, what Buffy really had… how that made her angrier than she'd ever been… angrier with herself and everyone else.
But what affected her most was the look of understanding she saw in Angel's eyes, and later in Willows. They knew the darkness she'd walked, they knew what it felt like to have power, use power to strike out and punish. They'd both skirted the abyss, just like her, and they'd both pulled back. I'm at the abyss. Do I jump? Do I walk away?
The moment was upon her. Darkness surrounded her, and she could easily fall into it, give herself over to it. It would be so easy… so easy …
And she knew. She had to walk away. She had more to do, things to do to make up for what she'd done. More, she had to fight that darkness, every day. Deep in her heart, she knew she was human, more human than demon… and she felt love, knew love… and hoped someday to feel it again.
There was no question. Her path was clear. Every day, she had to fight her dark nature, do something to oppose it. She wanted the light. This was her, the real Faith. It would always be a struggle. But she looked forward to the struggle. Each time she won, she was stronger.
Time to go home, time to do what I've got to do.
Faith returned to Boston, a week before she promised. She accepted her role as head of the family, and under Margaret's and Henry's tutelage, learned what was expected of her, and how she would have to manage the family business. Under their guidance, she found she had an innate ability to lead, to make tough decisions, and to scope out the best course for their financial affairs. Even Margaret said she was doing " Very well, " which from her was high praise. Of course, the nuts and bolts, day to day running of the family investments was handled by a team of financial managers; they had the technical know-how to translates Faith's desires into reality. But the approach, the overall vision, transferred from Margaret to Faith, much more smoothly than anyone anticipated.
Margaret and Faith reached an understanding in the last months of Margaret's life. They didn't become 'close', because there wasn't enough time, and too much had happened in their prior relationship. But they did learn to respect each other, and a some affection was transferred between them. Once Margaret was sure the business was in good hands, she withdrew from the financial affairs of the company, and took a small holiday, visiting the places she enjoyed in her life. Freed from the responsibilities of heading up the family fortunes, some of the youthful pleasure she got out of traveling returned to her, and she spent some enjoyable time renewing her acquaintance with these places. But finally, she became too ill to travel, and had to return home.
Faith was with her grandmother at the end. As she climbed the stairs to her bedroom, Faith was amazed at how painful this journey was. She never expected to actually miss the older woman. She had known her grandmother's time was short, but somehow that didn't prepare her for it.
Margaret was propped up in her bed, but she looked terribly weak. Faith was stunned at how quickly she'd declined. This frail woman was the person that scared me shitless for so long? Her breathing was labored, and she didn't really look at Faith… more, she seemed to be looking miles away. Faith had been warned this was an effect of the tumor, but she still felt more than a little freaked by it all.
" Grandmother, " Faith says, walking over to her side. She takes the older woman's hand in hers.
Margaret looks at Faith as if she's never seen her before, " I'm sorry, " she says, perfectly polite, her voice a little weak, " Do I know you?"
" It's Faith, grandmother, " Faith says, feeling her stomach churn.
" Why do you call me that? I'm hardly old enough to be anyone's mother, less a grandmother. How 'bout you call me Maggie?" Margaret looks at Faith, her face confused, " I'm sorry, I forgot your name again?"
" Faith, grand… Maggie" Faith corrects herself.
" That's better. Where are Hope, and Joy?" Her grandmother half grins.
" Huh?" Faith asks, totally confused.
" Well, what's Faith, without Hope and Joy?" Her grandmother asks, innocently, but there is a definite slyness to her look.
Faith feels like she's just stepped into an episode of The Twilight Zone, and she's sure she's not enjoying it.
" Such a lovely day, isn't it? Too nice a day to be confined, " Margaret sighs, " I hate being sick." She notes Faith's expression, " So, my hopeless, joyless Faith. Are you new?"
" I'm sorry, new?" Faith asks, puzzled.
" Staff, girl. Are you new on the staff?"
" No," Faith says, getting a major case of the wiggins.
" Then, why're you here?" Margaret asks, impatiently, " really not feeling like company."
" Sorry, gran… Maggie… I just stopped by to see how you were, " Faith says, quietly. Trying to hold it together. God, she's…damn.
" Oh, got it. You're a nurse then? Seems kind of silly, for a cold… but the parents… always so protective."
" No, not a nurse, either."
" thought you were a bit strangely dressed for a nurse, " Margaret says, appraising Faith's clothing. " A bit strangely dressed, no matter who you are… which brings us back to… who ARE you?" . She coughs.
" Are you ok?" Faith asks, worriedly. God, is that a dumb question. She's dying for god's sake.
" Fine, just fine, " Margaret says, impatiently, " who are you again?"
" Faith, ma'am… I've been …. I'm the new estate financial manager." Faith begins to play into Margaret's delusion.
" Really?" Margaret beams… then frowns, " You're not fooling with me, are you?"
Faith shakes her head.
" Oh, thank god! I thought they were going to stick me with managing the finances. God, that's a relief" Margaret smiles. " I hate that kind of stuff." She looks at Faith again, appraisingly, " Kind of young for a financial manager, aren't you?" Then she smiles, " Aw, who cares, as long as I'm not stuck with it!" She turns from Faith, and looks out the window. " Feeling kind of tired now." Her voice sounds strained and tired, " think I'll take a nap now." She closes her eyes, and lies quietly. Faith takes a chair, and moves to the side of the bed. She takes Margaret's hand, and holds it.
" Thank you, " Margaret, eyes still closed, says. Her breathing is shallow and labored.
" For what?" Faith asks quietly.
Margaret's eyes open, and Faith can see she recognizes her. " For helping, Faith. Thank you." She closes her eyes again.
Faith holds her hand, and she slips into sleep. Her breathing continues, but it becomes shallower, more labored. This goes on for awhile, Faith holding her hand, watching her sleep. Then Faith hears a strange sound out of her, almost a rattling. Her grip on Faith's hand loosens, and she stops breathing entirely.
Faith sits stunned, unable to react. She's unable to process that anyone as vital and dynamic, as alive as her grandmother was, could succumb so easily to death. Her eyes start to blink rapidly as first one tear, then another, then more start to flow down her cheeks. Standing, she looks down on her grandmother's remains, and doesn't recognize her. Whatever it was that made her who she was, is gone. She bends over, and gently kisses her forehead.
" Goodbye, Grandmother, " Faith says quietly.

Anderson Indiana,
7 months ago.

Willow is going quietly crazy. She hasn't heard from Faith in a month. She's not even sure if she's alive, or dead. As she pulls up in front of her grandmother's house, Willow has decided all she can do now is wait. Like she promised.
Willow remembers back on that night. The night everything changed, and went to hell. She remembers the shock, the revulsion she felt as she watched Faith cut the throat of her father and his bodyguards. How she misinterpreted what was happening, thinking Faith had gone over the edge. That she reverted to her dark self. She can't remember ever feeling as afraid as she did when Faith, knife in hand, came towards her. She panicked, and ran.
By the time she returned, realizing there was more here than she first thought, Faith was gone…and the place was clean. It had freaked her more than a little. Her mind and body, exhausted physically and emotionally, gave out on her, and she slept, dreaming the strangest dream. She awoke, determined to find Faith, no matter what it took. She figured she would wait until morning, then start at her grandmother's house, working out from there. But as time passed, she couldn't sit still. So, in the wee hours of the morning, she found herself back at 12 Acorn Street, staring at the front door.
Boston, Mass.

8 months ago
She knocks quietly, not really expecting anyone to answer. She's quite surprised, therefore, when Jeffries opened the door.
" Come in, Miss Willow. I've been expecting you."
Willow follows him into the kitchen. Taking the kettle off the stove, he prepares her some tea. For awhile, they sit quietly, looking at each other. Willow is trying to figure out how to proceed. She wants… needs to know where Faith is, but after this afternoon, she's not sure who she can trust in this household. She's about to speak when Jeffries beats her to it.
" She's ok, Miss Willow. She's been here, and she's ok."
" I'm glad to hear that Jeffries, you don't know how much. But, really, I've gotta see her, " Willow explains, " I've really got to talk to her. It's important."
" I'm not sure that's possible, Miss Willow, " Jeffries says
"Not possible? Why? What's happened? Is she ok? Where is she?"
" As I said, she's ok, Miss Willow, but she's not here any longer. She's gone."
" Gone… ok, I get that. But where? I mean… it's… god, I can't explain it, but it's so important I see her, Jeffries. I … made a huge mistake, and now… she thinks I don't love her anymore… I know that. I've got to fix it!"
Henry Jeffries looks at Willow kindly. He sees her obvious concern for Faith, and instinctively knows that somehow, this woman is right for his granddaughter. He reaches out, and takes her hand.
" Miss Willow? I wish I could tell you where she is. But she left not telling either me or her grandmother. She said she needed time to think things over, digest all she's learned here tonight. I suspect she'll be doing some thinking on you, also."
" What am I gonna do, Jeffries? I love her so much, but I blew it so badly tonight. I didn't understand what was happening… and I ran out on her, leaving her alone… she must be hurting so badly right now. And I can't do anything to help her. I hate this…"
" Miss Willow, I want Faith to be happy. You know that… I suppose she told you about Miss Margaret and me?"
" Yes, Jeffries, she did. I can't understand why you two let it go on like that. She needed someone to love her, and you both…" Willow feels her temper rising.
" I know, Miss Willow, I've been terribly wrong when it came to Miss Faith," Jeffries says, wistfully." Faith. Sorry, hard to break a lifetime habit. I know you think I'm terrible, letting things go on as they did. And you may be right. Lots of things I should've done differently, wish I had done differently. But, it was different then. In those days, it wasn't 'cool' to be seen fraternizing with the help. That's what I was, Miss Willow, the help. When I found out Miss Margaret… Margaret was pregnant with Sarah… that's Faith's mother… I wanted to marry her. I did. But I knew if she married me, if we … she would lose her life. Her station. Boston was very strict that way. Still is, to some degree. So I had to make a choice… and I chose not to ruin her life…the life she knew. Not my finest moment, I know. Rather cowardly, actually, all considered."
Willow feels her anger dissipate, and she squeezes his hand.
"I love Mrs. Jeffries… Jane… very much. Don't ever think otherwise. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that there were many nights I laid awake, wondering how things would be different if I had the courage to defy convention and marry Maggie… Miss Margaret," Henry Jeffries doesn't look at Willow, but rather down at the table. " I probably should've made a clean break of it. Left service to this family. I couldn't, though. I … my daughter was here. I know, that sounds perverse, but I couldn't … I had to see my daughter grow up. Then there was Faith… when Sarah had Miss Faith… and gave her away, it devastated Margaret. She never showed it, she wouldn't. But I could see the signs. She spent a fortune, and a lot of years, trying to find her again… and another fortune on lawyers, getting her back. But after the way Sarah turned out, Margaret was afraid to make the same mistakes with Faith. She had her, but didn't know what to do for her. So she sent her to boarding school, hoping that she'd somehow turn out better than Sarah did," He sighs heavily. " I'm not much of anything, Miss Willow. I was never able to be a father to my daughter, or a grandfather to Faith. Sarah still doesn't know the truth… I'm still only her 'adopted' mother's servant. And Faith rejected me, rightly so."
" Jeffries…"
" Please, Miss Willow. Call me Henry, if that's alright with you?"
" Henry, " Willow corrects herself, " I know from Faith that the only good thing she felt she had here, was you and Mrs. Jeffries. She's very fond of you."
" Thank you, Miss. That means a lot more than you know, " Henry says, quietly." Miss Willow?"
" Willow, please, since we're going to be less formal" Willow smiles at him.
" Yes, of course. Willow, I don't want the same thing for Faith that her grandmother and I went through, " Henry says, " I know that Faith is very fond of you, also. More than fond. She needs patience right now, especially your patience. This is a difficult time for her. She has to accept who she is. I know, that's rather cryptic, " Henry notes Willow's expression, " but that's the best I can do for now. I can't tell you what was said tonight… that's up to her to reveal it to you. But I can do this. I will be your ' advocate'. I will do my best to plead your case, so to speak. I want her to be happy. I want you both to be happy."
" Thank you, Henry, I do appreciate that, " Willow gets up," but I've got to find her. I can't sit around knowing she might be needing me."
Henry thinks for a few moments, then he gets up and gets a pad of paper out of one of the drawers. He jots down something on a couple of sheets, and hand them to Willow.
" Those are the places I know she used to like to go to, when she was young. I don't know if she'll be at any of those, but I suppose it won't hurt if you check them out."
" Thank you, Henry. Thank you, " Willow says, taking the list from him. She walks over, and kisses him on the forehead. " I can see why she's so fond of you" Willow whispers quietly in his ear. She turns, and leaves the kitchen, and the house.
Henry watches her go, a small sad smile on his face. He picks up his cup, and puts it in the sink, then goes to bed, hoping he'll be able to sleep.
Willow checked the places on the list, and any other leads or ideas that she hoped might pan out. But she had no luck finding Faith. She spent weeks at it, even finally, in desperation, going to see Kennedy for help. That meeting was beyond awkward, old feelings and hurts being so close to the surface. Kennedy at first didn't want to help; to her, Faith being gone wasn't a bad thing. But in the end, she did help, seeing the desperation in Willow's eyes. She had residual affection for the red-headed witch, and hated seeing her suffer. She contacted her connections in the 'slayer' community, and tried to run down Faith. But there were no sightings, no leads, nothing. She gave the news to Willow, and saw her face fall.
As Willow turned to leave, Kennedy caught her arm. Willow turned back, puzzled.
" Will, I did you a favor, so I want you to do me one, ok?" Kennedy looked at Willow intently.
" Of course, anything, " Willow replied.
" Don't come back here again"
" I'm sorry? I don't understand?"
" It was hard enough … trying to get over you once, Will. You being here just brought up all those feelings to the surface again. I know… things just didn't work out for us, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept."
" Kenny… I…."
" Don't, please, don't even. Just don't come back, ok? If you have any consideration for me left, just don't"
Kennedy turns and walks away, closing the door behind her. Willow stands staring at the door for awhile. Then she turns and leaves. She feels like crap for what she did to Kennedy, and if Kennedy wanted to wound her, she found exactly the right spot. Willow has more than a few regrets.
Now what? Willow wonders, as she climbs on her bike. In her heart, she knows there is nothing more she can do right now. She's hit a wall, and she can't think of anything else to do. She'll be found when she wants to be found. Those words, the ones Xander used about Buffy so long ago when she ran away after … the Angel thing… were so true now. She knew that the only thing she could do now is wait, and hope. Time to go home now, figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life . Where was home? Sunnydale didn't exist anymore, and L.A. ? So not home. With her parents in Washington? She didn't think so. No, only one place could she call home, at least for now.

Anderson, Indiana
7 months ago
Willow cuts the engine on her bike, and sits looking at Grammy Weis's house. Her happiness at being here is colored by her feelings of failure. She can't shake the feeling that somehow she should've done more, looked harder. I should go back. Someone has to know where she is. She knows that's pointless. Faith is not wanting to be found, and her trying is only going to lead to frustration and madness… things she really doesn't need right now. What she needs right now is her Grammy's love and affection, and maybe a shoulder to cry on.
Willow feels like she's being watched, and when she looks up, she's startled to see her grandmother standing on the porch, looking at her. How'd she do that? I didn't even hear her come out! She gets off her bike, and walks over to her grandmother. The strange thing about the whole situation, to Willow's mind, is that it's like her grandmother has been expecting her. She doesn't seem to be too surprised to see me… now, what's that about? Willow hugs her, and gives her a kiss on the cheek.
" Hi, Grammy," Willow says, " bet you're surprised to see me again so soon, huh?"
"Actually, Willow, " Sarah Weis says, looking intently at her granddaughter. She nods her head towards the house, and it's then that another person appears on the front porch. Someone Willow hadn't expected to see. Willow stands bewildered, not believing her eyes at first.
Faith, looking subdued and nervous, stands by the front door. She looks at Willow, then looks away, then looks at her again, trying to gauge her reaction. She doesn't seem to know what to do with her hands, first hold them behind her, the in front of her, then finally jamming them in her pockets.
" Faith," Willow whispers, beyond stunned.
" Hello, Red," Faith mumbles, feeling out of place. She stands stock still, appearing afraid to move.
Willow recovers, and rushes to Faith, putting her arms around her. She holds her tightly, afraid that she'll disappear again. She can't believe she's real, constantly touching her, reassuring herself that yes, this is Faith, and yes, she is here. Faith doesn't respond, standing silent and unmoving. She doesn't return Willow's embrace. Willow, sensing something amiss, releases Faith and backs off a little, looking at her face. She sees the sadness in Faith's eyes, and her heart sinks.
" Faith, what is it?" Willow reaches out to touch Faith's face, but stops when Faith moves away from her hand. She drops her hand back to her side. " I was so afraid when you… just disappeared like that. I didn't know what had happened to you."
" I'm sorry, Red. I… after what happened, after I saw that look in your eyes, I … couldn't face you. I had to get away, think for awhile… try to make things make sense again."
" Faith, what happened? I know it wasn't your fault. I was scared… I thought…" Willow starts, but is cut off.
" You were right Red. To be scared." Faith says, her tone reserved.
Sarah, realizing that this is a private conversation, and that they need space, speaks up.
" You two have a lot to talk about, I think. I'm going inside," She turns and opens the door. " Come in later, when your finished, and we'll have some tea." She walks inside, closing the door behind her.
For a minute of two, both women are silent. They don't know what to say to each other, and both are afraid to say the wrong thing. An uncomfortable silence falls between them.
" I don't understand," Willow says, breaking the silence.
" I've got a lot to tell you, but not here, " Faith reaches out for Willow's hand, the first gesture that she's made, " Walk with me?"
Willow takes Faith's hand, and the descend the porch stairs, and head out towards the street. Willow marvels at the tenuous connection, feeling Faith's fingers lace with hers. Yet, she can sense a forlornness, an unease and a sense of isolation, all through this modest touch. It troubles her, making her anxious. They walk down the street, finally stopping at a small patch of trees at the end . Faith releases her hand, and they stand facing each other. Faith's expression softens a little, and she reaches out, touching Willow's face. Something deep inside Willow tells her that this is going to end badly.
"What is it, Faith?" Willow asks, bracing herself for the worst, " What do you have to tell me?"
" No beating around the bush for you, huh?" Faith looks away from Willow. She can't look her in the eye, " ok, I guess it's straight to it, then. I don't think we can be together anymore."
"Faith, " Willow just having the piano dropped on her, tries to hold it together, " why?" her voice rising in a plaintive cry.
" So much has changed since that night, Willow. I've learned so much about myself… things I didn't want to know. But now that I do, I can't ignore them… I'm… not the same woman, Red. I don't even know who I am anymore. I thought I knew me, what I was about, but that's all changed. I'm not the Faith you knew. I guess I never was, really. I've learned a lot about what I am , what I've got to do. I thought I knew what my life would be about, but I was wrong. It's different, and you can't be a part of that. Not now."
Willow shakes her head, as if she won't believe that. " Nooo, that's just wrong. Whatever's different, whatever's changed, I know you're still you. You're still the woman I love. I … can't, I won't believe that's not so."
" Believe it, Red. The Faith you knew, is gone. She never was."
" That's bogus. That's just a lie. I don't know why you're lying, but you are. I've fought with you, I've laughed with you, cried with you, and made love with you. I know who you. I know what you feel, what you think. I can tell when you're lying to me, and you're lying to me now."
" You're not listening, Red. I've changed. The girl you knew, the girl you did all those things with; she's the lie. Not me."
" That's wrong. You can't just change like that. No one can. You're who you are, what life made you. "
" And if that life's a lie? What then, Willow? What are you?"
" A liar. Like you."
" You're calling me a liar?" Faith looks at her sternly.
" Uh-huh" Willow gains her ground, " This isn't about changes, Faith. This isn't even about that night. Ok, I got wigged. Sorry, not used to watching guys get their throats slit in front of me. Not my idea of entertainment. I wigged, I ran. But that's just what happens. I figured it out, Faith, I figured that you got trapped into do what you did. Don't know how or why, and you know what? Don't care how or why. Because I care about you! I know YOU! You've changed, all right… you're not that psycho-bitch you played in Sunnydale. I even know that wasn’t really you. You were scared. I get that. But, this isn't like that. You don't start quitting when things get tough, when things are change. You work to deal with it. But that's not what's really going on here, is it?"
"What do you mean?"
" This isn't about changes your going through. Life is always about changes, Faith. We're always changing, as things change. Nope. This is about just one little change. Or maybe not a change at all."
" You're losing me, Red. I told you things are different now." Faith is feeling herself get angry, and tries to tamp it back down.
" Really? Are they? Or is it, you just don't want to deal with the fact that maybe, just maybe, you don't' really love me."
" WHA—AAT?" Faith exclaims, surprised.
"That's what this is really all about, isn't it? You trying to make it sound all noble and self-sacrifice-y, but when it comes right down to it, you …" Willow's voice cracks, " Y-You don't love m-me." She turns away, not wanting to show her hurt.
Faith stares at Willow's back, her expression incredulous. " How… can you even THINK that?"
Willow sniffles, " Admit it, Faith, it's the truth. I know that. You don't love me"
" That's got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard, " Faith says, approaching Willow. She puts her hands on Willow's shoulders, but they're shrugged off.
" It's not stupid, it's the truth. If you loved me, why did you run away from me? Why didn't you come to me, believe enough in me to trust me with what's going on? Why didn't you at least tell me why you did what you did? All you could think about was getting away… I looked all over for you, but you got so lost, you lost me too. I couldn’t find you, and I was scared to death you were… god, you were hurt or dying or something… it's stupid, I know. But that's what you think when your lover just disappears on you, without any word. Oh yeah, that note. That was so helpful. Yeah right. You just… you just couldn't look at me, because if you did, I'd know. I saw it today, on the porch. They way you looked at me… all sad like… like you pitied me. Well, I don't NEED your pity. Damn you, Faith, why? What did I do wrong???"
" Willow, please," Faith says, quietly, " listen to me."
" No, no listening. Not listening, " Willow says, covering her ears, " you'll just come up with some fancy reason why you can't be with me… but I know the reason already."
" No, you don't Willow" Faith gently pulls Willow's hand away from her ears, " you're so wrong."
" I'm not wrong, " Willow stands, arms at side, not resisting, " I'm not blaming you. I think… I think you thought you loved me. I'm not saying you were like… playing me. I… I just … think you don't know your own heart. You don't know who to love, because you don't… think you can be loved. You think you don't deserve to be loved… that you're betraying your love…"
" Are we talking about me, or you, Willow?" Faith pulls Willow close, and Willow clings to her.
" I … I … don't know, " Willow sobs, holding tight to Faith. Faith holds her, letting her cry. Tenderly, Faith soothes her, holding her, caressing her hair, letting her get her grief out. After awhile, Willow recovers herself, and pulls away. She walks a little away hugging herself.
" I feel like an idiot, " Willow says, more to the bush she's facing than Faith, " you came here to break up with me, and end up comforting me. How weird is that?"
" Pretty weird, " Faith agrees, but she doesn't approach Willow. She stands by herself, a bit off.
" You're telling me we can't be together, why is that?" Willow turns towards Faith, " I don't understand"
" I can't be with anyone right now, Red. Especially someone I care about" Faith says, not looking at her, " What I found out about myself… it disgusts me, it… sickens me… but … I can't do anything about it. It's part of me."
" Faith, that's what it's about. Ok, I know you've got some darkness… ok, me too… but we fight against it… together."
" I've learned the source of my darkness, Willow. that's the point. I have to show you something. Please, come here," Faith waves Willow over. Willow, puzzled, complies.
Faith pulls her hair off her right ear, and points to a spot behind her ear. " Do you see it?"
" Your birthmark? Yes, I've seen it before. So?" Willow is still confused.
" It's more than that, Willow… much more. Do you know what it means?"
" Ummm… no, not really."
" It's the mark of the demon, Willow. Specifically, a demon of the M'skela clan … a particularly brutal type, from what I've researched."
Willow backs away, still looking puzzled.
" See, thing is, Red, my darkness? It's not like yours. Yours is born out of grief, and rage, and other emotional stuff. Hopefully, it'll fade over time, as your pain heals. Mine… it's with me all my life. It's part of my nature, part of who I am, like my foot, or my hair."
" You're not evil, though, Faith. You don't want to be evil. So, we fight it…"
" No, I fight it. Every day, Red. Cuz, it's right there; it's always there… pulsing in me, pushing at me. Sometimes, it breaks out…"
" Then we deal… "
" No, I deal…."
Before Willow can react, Faith is behind her, her arm around her neck.
" Faith, what're you doing?" Willow says, sounding a little strangled.
" That quick, Red. I could've snapped your neck by now. Before you can even react." Faith releases Willow, who stumbles away, rubbing her neck. She looks at Faith, a tiny glint of fear in her eye.
" And there it is ," Faith says, seeing the look in Willow's eye. " that's why we can't be together. Not now. "
" But, Faith, there has to be a way… some way to control it. To deal with this." Willow says, " It must've happened before. Somewhere there's got to be a solution."
" Maybe. I hope so. I plan on looking for a way. But until I find a way, I can't do this. I can't live in the shadow that I might lose control, that the demon part within me manifests itself. That I might hurt you, " Faith says, her tone resigned, " I can't live with the idea of looking at you, seeing you look at me. Wondering " Will something happen today? Will she lose control today? I can bear to see you be afraid of me, even for a brief time. That's no way to live. This… this can't happen."

" What about me, Faith?" Willow says, her tone aggrieved, " This is my life, too. Don't I get a say? Don't we discuss this, even?"
" No," Faith is definite, " not when it means that your life is at risk. You don't. Even the smallest chance, I can't risk it. I can't live with the idea that in a moment of rage, losing control, I could…" Faith feels her fists tensing up. She raises her hands and looks at them. " No, there's no choice here, Willow. None."
" So, that's it then?" Willow, her tone flat, asks, " You're afraid of your … temper, and you decide our lives because of it?"
" It's not what I want, Willow. It's what's right"
Willow shakes her head, " No, I'm sorry. I won't let you use me as an excuse. If you want to go, then go. I can't stop you, Faith, and I won't try. If you don't want to be with me, ok, then. Be honest. But don't you use me as an excuse." Willow turns, and starts to walk away.
" Willow, please… try to understand…"
" There's nothing to understand, Faith. You've made it clear, it's over. I get that. Just, I'm not letting you use me as an excuse. Be honest, at least with yourself." Willow continues to walk back to her grandmother's house. Alone.
Faith watches her leave, fighting herself to keep from running after her, begging her forgiveness. Be honest, Faith. What did you expect? Kisses? How'd you think she'd react? Just accept it, girl. This is what has to be. Let her go. She deserves more. She deserves to be happy.
Faith walks back towards Willow's grandmother's house, to retrieve her bike. Night has fallen, and she looks up at the sky. She stops, and stares. No stars. I can't see any stars. I guess it's just the city lights… to bright. She remembers that night, not so long ago, when she watched Willow dance under the stars. How happy she was, how joyous and utterly beautiful as she danced under the starlight. Her eyes start to sting, and she impatiently wipes at them, cursing herself for being so damned weak.
She hops on her bike, and starts the engine. Looking over, she takes one last at the Willow's red bike. Turning away, she steers her bike out of the driveway, and into the night.

Los Angeles, California
Now

Until a week ago, we hadn't spoken since that night. Doesn't mean I haven't thought about her. A lot. Still missing her, like it was yesterday. Does it get easier? I tried to put her out of my mind, think about what I had to do. Yeah, that really worked…

Boston, one month ago

Faith is feeling restless. Something's been itching at her for a week, and she can't quite put her finger on it. I just know something's off, and I can't figure what. It wasn't the business; ever since she'd taken over, the business seems to have taken new life. She's managed to increase profits exponentially, increasing 10 fold the previous holdings. She even managed to set some aside to contribute to the watcher's council. Buffy and Giles have been laboring mightily(Well, ok, a bit over the top there ) to get the council reorganized, but since it's destruction by the First, its former assets had dwindled. Though she had no desire to 'join' that august body of tweed and stuffed shirts, she knew it had a place in the fight against the darkness. So she funneled some funds through a dummy foundation… at least, until it can get back on its feet.
She had some other things going. Some charities, some fundraisers for victims of demon attack, this and that, to keep her occupied. When she wasn't patrolling at night. She chuckled a little. The first time Jeffries…damn it, grandfather… saw me dressed for patrol, I thought he was going to have a heart attack. He wanted to know why I was carrying an axe under my coat in the Greater Boston area.
" We don't do things like that in Boston, " Henry said, looking disapprovingly at Faith.
" Yeah you do, if you want to live while fighting vamps, " Faith grinned at him, and walked out the door.
Poor grandpa, never gonna get used to me doin' the slayer thing. I'm betting he gets out the rosary beads every night and does a couple of Hail Mary's to keep me safe. Gotta love the guy. Faith stands up from her office desk and walks to the window, looking out. She can't shake this feeling she has… that something's going to happen… something bad. Maybe I'll go work out, that always makes me feel better. She shrugs, and starts pacing around the room. The feeling just won't go away.
" Jackson, do you have those reports ready for me yet?" Faith yells out, figuring she'll distract her mind. She wishes this nagging feeling would go away; it's irritating her, making her short. She walks over to her desk and sits down, flipping on her computer.
A tall man, in his mid sixties, impeccably dressed, with gray hair and distinguished bearing, comes in bearing a file folder. He walks to the desk, and waits patiently for Faith to look up.
Faith, busy looking at her computer screen, just waves vaguely towards the desk, not bothering to look up.
" Just put them on the desk, I'll get to them in a moment, " Faith says, reading the electronic document on the screen.
" Very good, Miss Faith"
The voice makes her look up.
" Grandfather, what're you doing? Where's Jackson? He's supposed to do this. YOU'RE supposed to be getting ready for that trip with Mrs. J. " Faith says, a slightly exasperated expression on her face matching the tone of her voice." Why're you dressed like that, anyway. Not that I mind you looking spiff " Faith smiles, rising and patting him affectionately on the chest. " You do get it… you're not part of the staff here anymore, Grandfather. You're family…right?"
" Of course, Faith… I know that. But… I've done this job for so many years, good years for me… that I don't like not doing it." Henry shrugs his shoulders, " Old habits, you know."
Faith smiles at him affectionately, " Well, you're just going to have to get used to being a man of leisure, grandfather. I mean, you're taking over this house after you return from vacation. As the owner . It won't do for you to be … whatever it is that butlers do. Opening doors and stuff. You'll have staff to do that."
" Yes, I'm aware of that, " Henry says. " I really wish you'd reconsider your decision Miss… sorry, Faith. This house is going to be awfully empty without a Delano in it."
" We've talked this over what? A million million times? If I consider it anymore, my hair'll fall out. I … just can't live here, Grandfather. It doesn't have good memories for me. Not like for you, anyway. I need… my own place… and something not quite so … cavernous."
" Mrs. Jeffries and myself are going to miss you terribly, Faith, " Henry says, a sad note in his voice.
" Grandfather, I'm really NOT moving to Alaska, or Fiji or something. I'm just finding an apartment… not all that far. It's not like I'm not going to come and visit… I just get the wiggins living here, is all."
" I know, I know, " Henry says, " it's just that we've… I've had so little time to get to know you… as my granddaughter. And Mrs. J thinks of you as a granddaughter. We… just love having you here."
" You guys… really good at the pulling the heart strings stuff, aren't you?" Faith teases him. She goes over, and on tip toes, kisses his cheek. " Honest, it'll be almost like I'm here… you DON'T think I'm going to start missing out on Mrs. J's cooking, do you?"
" You better not. She'd be quite put out." Henry smiles at her.
" Now, go get packed, and do that stuff that world travelers do to … world travel." Faith says, tripping over her own tongue. She walks back to her desk, and sits. She picks up a report and is about to look it over when she notices Henry is still standing in front of her. " What? Is there something else, grandfather?"
Henry just stands smiling at her. She gives him a sidelong glance.
" Ok, I recognize that look… what's up?"
" I was just wondering, Faith, " Henry says quietly, " If you've heard anything from Miss Willow?"
Faith's expression is blank. She looks at her grandfather impassively.
" That's ancient history, grandfather. You know that, " Faith says, her tone cool.
" Not so ancient, I think, that there isn't some spark left?"
" Is this 'pick on Faith' day? Is this ' make her feel like crap' day? Cuz, it's sure seeming like it, " Faith says, a slightly sarcastic tone creeping into her voice.
" Then I'm not incorrect?" Henry asks, patiently.
Faith makes an exasperated noise. " Grandfather, even if your dead on, doesn't matter. I broke up with her for a good reason, and that's just that." She turns away to look at her computer screen.
" Yes, I know. You told us. You did it because you wanted to protect her from your 'demon' self," Henry says, not letting it go. " I just wonder…" he trails off.
Faith turns to him, her expression clearly irritated now, " You just wonder? What, grandfather? What?" She stands up. " You too? Are you getting on the Willow wagon that says I'm using her as an excuse to break it off? What?"
" Faith, calm down, dear, " Henry says, quietly but resolved, " there's no need to lose your temper."
" Geeze, grandfather. How'd you feel if everybody was dissing you about something like this. Am I so damned wrong to want to protect someone I care about from … harm… especially harm ' I ' might do to her?" Faith feels her neck flush, and turns away, not wanting her grandfather to see how much he got to her.
" Of course not, Faith. That's a very good thing to do, " Henry says, walking over to her and putting his hands on her shoulders," if that's the real reason. But, Faith, I've been in this house with you for the last 7 months, and frankly, I haven't seen any evidence of any temper… at least, not something that makes me afraid you're going to hurt me. I have to admit you do have your grandmother's Irish temper, though.”
"There's no telling when it might manifest itself, grandfather. I'm not putting someone I love at risk, not for my own desires, " Faith says, firmly.
" I understand that, Faith, and I accept it…as far as it goes. I know that's another reason you're moving away… because you fear for me and Mrs. Jeffries."
" I told you I just need my own…" Faith trails off, seeing her grandfather's expression, " Ok, so what? That's so wrong?"
" No, again, if that's the real reason. But I believe there's more to it… and you should at least be honest with yourself about it." Henry looks disconcerted a little when he hears Faith laugh. He looks at her questioningly.
" That's exactly what she said, ' be honest with yourself at least'. " Faith chuckles, self deprecatingly. Her expression changes, hardens, " Look, grandfather? I really don't want to talk about it anymore. I've got a lot work to do…"
" Faith. Work will always be there. Margaret was almost as stubborn as you are," Henry says, " I'm not saying that what you say is not part of the reason why you broke up with Miss Willow, but I do believe that… there is more to it. That you should really think about it. I don't want to see you wind up like your grandmother, Faith."
" She did ok, " Faith says, a little lamely.
" She was lonely, Faith. She cut herself off, because…" Henry trails off, " I don't say you have to be with Miss Willow. I'm just saying, don't cut yourself off from everybody."
"Ok, ok, I get it, ok?" Faith says, her impatience rising again, " don't get all hermit-y. got it!" Signaling an end to the conversation, she turns to her computer.
Henry looks at her sadly, as if he's seen this before. I just hope you do, dear. I just hope you do. He leaves the study quietly.
She's looking over an electronic document, making some changes when her phone rings. Sighing, she reaches over to pick it up. God, how'm I gonna get any work done today? She thinks, irritably.
" Hello, Faith here." Her expression immediately brightens when she hears a familiar English voice on the other end of the line. " G! well, get out! How are you, tweed man?" her expression changes a little, becoming more serious. " no, I haven't seen the papers yet today. Which, did you say? The Los Angeles Times? Yeah, I can pull it up on the computer… sure… yes, I know you love the crinkly crackly sound of paper, but… ok, I'm checking it…." She looks at her monitor, noting the above the fold headline. Her gaze is locked on the story… she reads it… then rereads it… her expression grows dark…" I … do you think? Angel… and Wes? And Gunn… oh… oh damn… oh… no… when… who told you? It can't be… no way… no WAY!" Faith, angrily, hangs up the phone. She looks again at the article, and then goes to the next page.
" … among the missing, and presumed dead, are Angel O'Connor, acting CEO of Wolfram and Hart, along with Charles Gunn, head of Legal affairs , and Wesley Wyndham-Price, director of research. The entire Wolfram and Hart Building was destroyed in a mysterious blast…"

Faith feels her temper rising, and before she can stop herself, she lashes out, punching her computer monitor, breaking the glass screen and sending it flying. She's cut her hand, but she doesn't even notice. She leans on her other hand, her head hanging down. For what seems an eternity, at least to her, she sits there, doing nothing, in shock.
Then, her body starts to shake with sobs.

San Francisco, three and a half weeks ago.

They stood under the porch light, kissing.
" Thank you for a wonderful evening, " Willow says, softly. She lightly kissed her date's lips again.
" It doesn't have to end…" Jana replied. She smiled an invitation to Willow.
" I'm afraid it does, sweetie. Work tomorrow… got an early meeting," Willow said. She slides her fingertips down Jana's arms, taking her hands." It's been …" Willow smiles, and leans in, giving Jana another kiss.
Jana breaks the kiss, and looks at Willow, her head cocked to the side. A small self-deprecating grin tugs at her lips.
" Why do you always do that?" Jana asks, giving her a sidelong glance.
"Do what? Kiss you?" Willow smiles, " I dunno…it's yummy?"
" No, that's not what I mean. You always get this close… then pull back. Why?" Jana asks, her brow furrowed.
" You know, doing the furrow thing with the brow? Gonna give you wrinkles, " Willow teases, leaning in to kiss her brow. But Jana pulls back.
" No, I'm serious, Will," Jana says, her grin morphing to a little frown, " We've been dating for a month, at least. And, I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I feeling things, and I think you're feeling things. Seems that way, anyway. I know I want to … " She nods her head toward the house, " … but every time I hint… or drop bricks, even, you pull away… why?"
"Jana, baby, no, " Willow reaches up and brushes Jana's cheek with her fingertips, " it's not like that at all… I'm building a business, honey. You know that. It takes a lot of my energy and concentration. Now, if I were to follow you upstairs, love, and, well, we got busy, I know I wouldn't be concentrating on business… matter of fact, the only thing I'd probably be concentrating on is…" Willow leans in, and whispers in Jana's ear. Jana turns bright pink, but doesn't look at all angry. More pleased. She smiles shyly. " So, you see, I'm really … conflicted here, but … I gotta do what I gotta do, honey."
Jana looks at her, then she shakes her head, and her tone is irritated. " There you go again. Trying to distract me with those wily Willow charms… but I'm serious here, " Jana's tone softens, and she moves closer to Willow, sliding one arm around her waist, the other on her shoulder. She moves in close… so close a piece of paper wouldn’t fit between them. She smiles, and licks her lips, " what's the deal, Willow? Are you feeling a little shy?" She leans in so her nose is a bare inch from Willow's.
" Boy, you're not making this easy, are you?" Willow says, her voice sounding husky, " It's not that I don't want to … "
" Then why?" Jana whispers huskily, " Don't you like me?" She strokes her finger along the curve of Willow's neck. Willow closes her eyes, and her breathing deepens, " Don't you find me sexy?" She whispers it directly into Willow's ear.
" If you mean by sexy, do you make me all shivery and wiggly and out of breathy, oh, yeah…" Willow whispers.
" Then, " Jana says, reaching over, and unbuttoning the top button of Willow's blouse,"… you think…" She unbuttons the next button, " … you should…" and the next, " … do something about it?" She lightly stokes her fingertip over Willow's chest.
Willow is one huge tingle. There isn't a part of her that isn't tingling. Her breath is short and panting. But she bites her lip, and pulls herself together.
" Jana, baby, please… this is important, I really can't duck out on it, " Willow pleads.
Jana sighs, and pulls back. She smiles ruefully at Willow, and shakes her head.
" Willow, honey, you know I care about you. Lots. But I'm really not into hopeless cases. I'm going to cut you a whole lotta slack because…" Jana smiles, her eyes twinkling, "… well, you're just so darned cute. But sweet pea, much as I think you're adorable, and definitely munchable, I'm not waiting forever. Figure it out, whatever's really holding you back, and deal. Or… I just gotta move on…"
" Jana, love, I promise… once things settle down a bit, I'm definitely going for the Jana goodness, " Willow looks at her, eyes bright.
" Ok, babe, but don't wait too long, " Jana says, turning, and entering her house. She looks over her shoulder, and give Willow the once over, " I'd really hate for you to miss out on something really beautiful," She smiles, and turns, shutting the door behind her.
Willow stands staring at the door for a minute, her mind screaming at her " ARE YOU A MORON???". She turns, and walks toward her car, appearing to be lost in thought. So lost, in fact, she nearly passes her car before she realizes it. Shaking her head, she turns back and gets in, closing the door. She proceeds to sit there, staring out at the night.
What the heck is my problem? The girl is practically throwing herself at me. Practically? Hell, if she throws herself any more at me, I'll be lying flat on my back. Never mind the three colored neon sign over her head that says " Eat Me!". Cripes, am I dead? I mean, what's wrong with her. Let's think. She's gorgeous, she's smart, she's witty, she laughs at my stupid jokes, and I get the distinct impression she thinks I'm sexy. Ok, now. I get it now. Run, Willow, run! She's perfect! How horrible is that, huh? Oh, my god, she might make you happy… the horror of it!
So, oh brilliant one, what is your problem? Are you a moron? Why are you sitting out here, staring into space, instead of in there, in her arms, kissing and getting the snugglies and all the good stuff? Are you that much of an idiot? What's your problem? You're single, no ties, no commitments, what's your deal?
Do you think Faith is sitting around, all dressed like a nun and wearing a chastity belt and holding prayer beads, being all pure and holy? (Willow contemplates the image for a second, and shivers). God, you're a perv, Willow. Even that's giving you the hots. What is it about her that does that… aw, screw it. You know she's not sitting all alone waiting for you, dim bulb . She's probably out every night, partying and dancing and getting into the nasty… So why should you play the little Jewish nun? Think she cares? Are you nuts? Of course she doesn't. So why're you … Aaaah!!!
Willow starts her car, and drives off. Frustrated, horny, angry at Faith, and… really angry with herself. She knows she's being a fool. She and Faith? Finito, done, kaput. She's particularly angry with herself because she lied to Jana… there's no early meeting tomorrow. Just another day of building the business. At least, that's going good, she thinks, as she drives. Her networking business is really taking off. With the help of some talented people(herself included), they've managed to land a few juicy contracts, and there are more on the horizon. Things are going well, she's managing to make payments to creditors and investors in a timely manner… it's going great. So great, sometimes, so smoothly, she wonders if maybe … she should be doing something more.
She hasn't forgotten what she told Buffy those many years ago. She wants to help people, and she wants to fight evil. Ok, admitting that after the first? Really was looking for a vacation. Needing some serious not fighting bad guys time. But in the back of her mind, in her heart, what she wanted long ago… is still what she wants. She misses the gang… Buffy, and Xander, and Giles, they all hanging out, doing the research, fighting the evil. She misses the feelings of camaraderie , the working towards a common purpose. She even misses, oddly, the stressing out, the fights, and wounded feelings. Because, it was all part of it, the thing that gave purpose and meaning to her life. She misses those feelings, most of all.
Most of all, really? Or is it Faith? You miss her, most of all, don't ya, you moron! You gotta let it go, get past her, move on. Right, that's so easy. For all the insanity, for as much as she made me crazy? She touched me like… no one else. Even Tara didn't touch me, the me deep inside, like Faith did. I hate it, and I hate her for it. Because why did she have to leave me? Face it, Will. She wasn't looking for long term. She… had other needs. Needs that you can't take care of, evidently. She needed her space, her independence. She made up a pretty fairy story, but what she really needed was to move on. And that, baby, is what you need to do to. Yeah. Move on. That's what I'm gonna do. Move on.
One of these days.

Willow pulls her car up in front of her house, parking it by the curb. She gets out, and walks up the walk, and something inside her shivers. She's felt that something was off or wrong for a couple of days now. Something was out of whack. The feeling was stronger now, tonight. She looks around, trying to see if someone or something is lurking around her house, but she doesn't see anything. She shakes it off, feeling stupid. Still, she's cautious approaching her house. Too many damned stories about women getting mugged… or worse, at their own homes. She listens carefully at her door before inserting her key. Hearing nothing, she laughs at herself. Think you better watch thinking about old times… next you'll be seeing vampires in the closets. She flips on the lights, and notices the red message light is lit on her answering machine. She goes over and presses the replay button.
" Willow? Willow, are you there?" Faith's voice comes over the speaker, and Willow's face tightens. She reaches out to hit the 'erase' button, but stops herself. " Willow? If you're there, please pick up." there's a slight pause, " Ok, I guess you're not there, then. Look, I know I'm probably the last person in the world you want to talk to, ever. But something's happened, and … I need to talk to you… please call me at 617-555-7789 when you get this message. At any time, it's important."
Why is she calling me? I thought we agreed… Damn, I'm gonna have to change my number. Make sure it's unlisted. Damn her, why doesn't she let me alone? Ok, she wants to talk, fine. We'll talk… and I rip an ear off her in the bargain.
Willow, feeling angry, dials the phone number. It rings a few times, and she's about to hang up when she hears Faith's voice on the line.
" Ok, Faith, what's going on? I thought we weren't going to do this anymore…" Willow stares out in space, listening, then says, "sitting down? Why should I be sitting…" It hits her that this isn't like before." What the…what's going on, Faith?" she pauses… and listens… and goes pale… " No, no, no… that can't be… there's got to be a mistake…" She listens some more, and finds herself leaning against phone table. " When… how?" As Willow listens, a tear starts rolling down her cheek. " No, I didn't… no… What about Buffy… does she know?" She wipes at the tear, " How… how she … how's she holding up? I bet… yeah… she never really… I know… all of them, you're sure?" she listens, and then asks. " Faith… are you ok? I know how close…" her face gets an anxious look on it. " It's ok… no… don't apologize…" her tone softens, " Look, Faith, if there's anything you need…?" she sighs, " Yes, I know… Memorial? When?… oh… alright… yes, … I'll be there, yes… just let me know when, ok? What?" She listens " No, I understand… yeah, it's ok. Yeah… ok, you take care … promise? Ok … bye … bye " She hears Faith say something softly, but can't respond before the connection is cut off.
Willow stands looking at the phone, " I miss you too, " she whispers.
She places the phone on the cradle, and leaves the room.

Los Angeles, California.
Now.
Faith sits in the garden, watching as the sun starts to disappear on the horizon. She remembers back to the conversation she had here with Willow, trying to wriggle out of going to Sunnydale. Guess that didn't work, did it? Somehow Red managed to pull my strings and got me to go. Considering what's happened? Not sure yet if that was a good thing or not. Ok, saving the world? Good thing, I guess. Getting to know Willow better? Yeah, good thing. Kinda sorta not having B putting up wanted posters with my name on 'em? Good thing. Falling in love with Willow… Faith sighs. Does it matter, really? I kinda fucked that up.
Faith remembers another conversation she had here. With Angel. It was just before she 'reappeared' after being AWOL for 4 days. She was scared, about almost everything. She didn't know what to do, and she needed someone to talk to. So she called Angel, begging him not to tell Buffy or Willow or anyone, and asked him to meet her. He did. Here.
Los Angeles, California
One year ago
Faith sits in the garden, looking up at the moon. She's nervous, knowing she has more than one person ready to hang her out to dry. Ok, I couldn't deal. Fuck this crap, not like I asked for any of it. All I want is to be left the fuck alone. Is that so hard for Buffy & Co. to understand? Why do they think they gotta fix everything? What's their deal, anyway? Not like they're doing so great in their own lives. She knows she's just blowing smoke. The real reason she booked was she couldn't deal with what was happening to her… what she was feeling for Willow. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, this shouldn't be happening. I'm too smart to get sucked in. I know the deal. Get in, get some, and get out. So, why'm I … back here? Shit, I can't … she won't go away. I can't get her to get the hell outta my mind. I know she did some spell on me… never felt like this with anybody before. I swear I'm gonna grab that witch and…
" Faith?" Angel comes up and stands next to her.
"SHIIIITTTT!!!" Faith yells out, jumping a foot. Instinctively she falls into a fighting pose, until she sees that it's Angel. She hits him anyway.
"Ok, well," Angel rubs his arm, " what was that for?"
" Don't you know not to go sneaking up on people, Fang? God, I nearly had a fucking cow!" Faith growls. " Ya know, make a noise, let me know you're here. Don't just … " She makes an angry noise.
" You knew I was going to be here, Faith. Anyway, after the little stunt you pulled, and worrying everybody half to death, not really feeling too guilty about startling you."
" Is that why you agreed to meet me, Fang? So you can rag on me?" Faith says, sounding bitter. " Ya know what? Just forget it, Angel. I thought you were a friend…" Faith starts to walk off, but Angel just moves in front of her, blocking her way. " Hey, Angel, get the fuck outta my way. I still know how to use a stake. Not allergic to killing vamps, either!"
" Go ahead, Faith, give it your best shot, " Angel says.
Faster than thought, Faith pulls the stake out, aiming for Angel's heart. Just a little faster, Angel blocks her hand, holding it just inches from his chest. They glare at each other for a moment, then Faith lowers her hand, putting her stake away.
" So, you wanna tell me what's got you all cranky, Faith?" Angel asks, " Or maybe that's your version of foreplay?"
" Get over yourself, Fang. Any kinda sexual thing we might've had? So over" Faith says, smirking.
" Yeah… kind of figured that. Especially since I'm not red haired, a witch or female…" Angel smirks back.
" Crap!! That obvious?"
" Naw. Not if you're blind and deaf and been living in a cave the last 4 years, " Angel chuckles, " even Buffy got it. What does that tell you?"
Faith just sighs and shakes her head.
" So, Faith. What's going on. Why'd you pull the Houdini, anyway?"
" Look, Angel, I didn't call you to play 20 questions with you, ok?" Faith takes a bag out and hands it to Angel, " could you see that Red gets this?" She hands Angel a package. He looks at it briefly, then hands it back.
" Sorry, Faith, I don't do delivery service. If you want Willow to get this, you're going to have to give it to her yourself."
Faith looks pained. " C'mon, Angel. Help me out here. Don't want to see her, ya know? Too much…" she trails off, not wanting to get into it. She tries to give him the package again.
" Sorry, Faith, " Angel says, smiling apologetically but putting up his hands, refusing to take it. " Not going to do this for you."
" God, Angel, why're you being such an asshole? Didn't I just pull your butt outta some bad stuff a few months ago, nearly got myself killed doing it… kinda lame, not helping me here!"
" Maybe, but not as lame as you trying to get me to do your dirty work. I know what you're doing, and I'm not gonna be part of it."
"What're you babbling about, Angel? " Faith looks at him disgustedly, " All I'm asking you is to give this to Red. Not like it's gonna blow up or nothin'."
" Faith, you made a big deal out of me coming here. Somehow I'm not convinced it's because you want me to deliver this package. You're spooked. What's up… why'd you run away?"
"Gee, surprised Red didn't tell you, "Faith says, harshly, but she's genuinely surprised. She expected Red to tell Buffy and Angel and anyone else she knew what kind of psycho Faith was.
" Willow wouldn't talk about it. She … when she came back, she was upset, but said she'd talked with you, and that you needed some time to figure things out. I admit, we weren't really buying that, but we didn't want to confront her on it. She was pretty upset," Angel bends the truth some, figuring that Faith is freaked enough, " thing is, when you stayed away, she got more and more upset. Then Kennedy left, and that upset her. She still won't talk about it, but I can see she's near panic." Angel gives Faith a hard look, " If you're trying to scare her, good work. She's freaked."
" Oh, shit. I didn't mean… damn, " Faith says, getting up. She starts pacing, not wanting to look at Angel. " I can't just go back… not after what I did…"
" What you did?"
"She really didn't tell you?"
Angel shakes his head, and Faith tells him, briefly, what happened in that bar four nights ago. She doesn't sugar coat it to make herself look better; if anything, she paints herself the villain of the piece. When she's done, she glances at Angel, trying to read his expression, but his face is impassive. That freaks her more than anything else would have.
"What'm I gonna do, Angel?"
" I dunno, Faith, " Angel shrugs, " What do you want?"
Faith looks at him, puzzled. Angel gets up and goes to her. He holds her by the shoulders, and looks directly at her.
" Faith, unless you got an idea of what you want, this is pointless. You're making everybody crazy, including yourself."
" Look ,what does it matter what I want? After what I did? Think she's gonna want… anyway, she's got a girlfriend…"
" What do you think?" Angel asks her, watching for her reaction.
"What the hell? Are you playing psychologist now? ' What do you want?' ' What do you think?'. Shit, Angel, just give me a fucking answer!"
" If you think about it, you've already got your answer!"
" Huh?"
" Have you been listening to me at all? Did you hear the part where I said she's been half out of her mind with worry. Not something you want to do with a witch that could probably blow up L.A. I might add, " Angel grins at her, " Oh, and that Kennedy left… if she wanted to be with Kennedy, why didn't she follow her… why is she still here?"
" All very pretty, Angel," Faith says, defensively, " but that means squat. I mean, so she stayed here. Maybe she and Ken-doll just had a big row. She might follow her back, anyway. And, if I go, what's to say she won't just slap me or tell me to get lost, or to drop dead…and that might be fatal, considering."
" Uh-huh… maybe. Or maybe not. But, you're never going to know, " Angel says, " unless you risk it."
" Why should I? Why should I set myself up, just to get punched down?"
" No reason… if you like being alone." Angel looks at her, " Trust me, Faith, from someone who knows alone. It's not all that great."
" Yeah, and look how great it worked out for you when you …" Faith trails off, realizing she might have crossed a line.
" I wouldn't trade a second of it, Faith. Well, ok, the bad stuff, Evil Angelus, that I could live without… but the rest? Even the pain when we broke up… no, I wouldn't change any of it. Not for anything."
"What if she hates me?" Faith says, her tone sounding a little desperate, " What if she… what if she doesn't want me? I don't know if I could deal with that…" Faith looks at him, pleading for an answer, " better to walk away, not know… then to… crap… I can't… I don't want to be hurt, Angel. Why should I trust you? or her? or anybody?"
" No guarantees, Faith. But I know this… unless you like being alone, you gotta trust somebody…"

Los Angeles, California.
Now.
… so, why didn't I listen? Why didn't I trust her just a little bit more? Let's face the facts, Faith. She called you on it, and you blew it off. Nice and noble, you convinced yourself, didn't you? You broke up with her, broke her heart and your heart, because… you wanted to protect her… from yourself. Yeah, but maybe… just maybe… you were afraid she'd break your heart first…once she knew. Didn't want to hurt, so you hurt her first. Aw, fuck, what does it matter? It's too late now, anyway…
Faith, lost in her thoughts, doesn't notice at first that she's no longer alone in the hotel garden. It takes awhile, but she senses something, and looks up. A slow smile spreads over her face.
" Hey "
" Hey "
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
To be continued
- 13
- 14
- 15
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Independence