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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4782 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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What did I do? What the fuck did we just do? Well, we fucked, that’s pretty obvious but…fuck! This can’t be happening. It can’t. Faith has a kid, and a very loyal, caring, loving boyfriend, and…oh God no! I’ve become my father’s secretary! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is wrong. This isn’t me. I don’t do this kind of stuff. I don’t just get caught up in a moment like that and do something so…so…euphoriant. No! I mean something so stupid, and dumb, and retarded.
“B you’re shaking, what’s wrong?” she asks and she sounds so sweet. Her voice makes me feel so happy, and sickened at the same time. Kind of like that time I ate too much cotton candy and threw up for two hours straight. “Don’t freak out, ok? Just don’t.” Just don’t? What the hell kind of advice is that? I can really see that working out in a real situation. ‘Person number one: I’ll do it, man. I’m gonna jump, and there’s nothing you can say to change my mine. Hero of the day: Just don’t. Person number one: Oh God, what was I thinking? How could I be so stupid? I need to go home and kiss my wife and hug my kids.’ Yeah, I really don’t see that happening.
“‘Don’t freak out’? Faith do you have any idea how hard it is to find out you’ve been cheated on? My mom cried for weeks after she found out my dad slept with someone else.” I can feel the tears start to come. I need to get out of here. I can’t let her see me like this. “Get up, I have to go.” My voice sounds strained and my throat feels like it’s closing up. She doesn’t move a muscle, and I’m starting to get pissed off at her. “Move, Faith. Please just let me go.”
“No, B, I’m not. You’re freaking out. I get it, but just take a breath ok?” No, I don’t want to sit here. I need to go. I push on her shoulders, and knee her in the hip, but nothing is working. My limbs still feel like jelly so this is really hard. I just want to go. I look into her eyes and I see…everything I’ve wanted to see. But it’s so wrong. “It’s ok, Buffy.” The tears win the battle and I start sobbing.
“Not it’s not. It’s far from ok. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Everything is so screwed up.” I can’t talk anymore so I stop trying. I feel her get off of me, but I don’t move. I just lie here, cold, exposed, and feeling completely naked. I know that sounds dumb because I’m not wearing any clothes but this is the first time I’ve ever let my guard completely down. I feel her grab onto my arms and she pulls me up. She pulls me into her lap, and wraps her arms around me. I bury my face in her shoulder and cry my fucking eyes out.
“I’m a whore. I’m a dirty, cheating whore.” Oh look I got my voice back. I’ve never felt so dirty in my entire life. I feel like the only way I’m ever going to get clean again is if I take a bath in boiling water. “I’m a filthy, stupid whore.” I start coughing really hard, and Faith starts to gently rub my back.
“You’re not a whore, Buffy. And you could never be filthy or stupid or dirty. We can’t change what happened tonight, and I wouldn’t even if we could.” Don’t say it! Don’t say it! Don’t say it! Please don’t say it! “Just calm down, ok? And we’ll go home, get cleaned up and tomorrow we’ll figure out what to do. How does that sound?” Ok, thank God she didn’t say it. If she tells me that she loves me I might be sick. I don’t want those words associated with tonight.
I cry in her arms for another…I don’t know how long. It could be ten minutes it could be five hours, but I’m so beyond exhausted that I’ve lost my perception of time. Anyway, after I finish crying, I don’t get up right away. I nuzzle Faith’s neck, and she keeps gently rubbing my back. I keep waiting for it to get awkward between us but it hasn’t yet. It needs to because if it doesn’t get awkward I don’t know how I’m going to walk away from this.
“We better get dressed,” she says and all of the comfort she was bringing me dies like an old, sick dog. “Wouldn’t want some vamp walking up on us and bragging to all of his friend about us.” That makes me laugh a little bit even though I don’t deserve to laugh. I don’t’ care what Faith said, even if it was sweet, she’ still wrong. I’m a whore. I let my hormones get the best of me and I killed a family. I should just never have sex again. It seems like every time I do something horrible happens.
I lift my head off her shoulder and just look at her. I want to ask her what we’re going to do now besides just go home and act like nothing happened. I want to ask her how she really feels about me. But most of all I want to ask her if she’s going to tell Tanner or not. If she doesn’t tell him, if I’m nothing more than a dirty secret I don’t know if I can stand to be around her. I’ll definitely be going to an out of state school then.
I hold my breath as she slowly leans in and kisses me. This is definitely not like the other kisses we shared. Those were about control, and lust, and the slayers within us getting some satisfaction. But this is totally different. It’s sweet, and tender, and…loving. I respond to it by adding some pressure and slightly tilting my head. I don’t want this to deepen. We might get caught up in the moment or something. As much as I enjoyed what happened we can’t do it again. At least not until I get some answers and see some changes.
She’s the one that ends the kiss, and I whimper a little when she does. I must look like a total freak. I’m sitting here completely naked, face red and puffy from crying, and now I’m whimpering like a sad dog or something. Hmm, I’ve been comparing things to dogs a lot lately. If she thinks I’m a freak she’s not showing it. She rests her forehead against mine, and gently rubs the tip of her nose on mine. I’ve never seen her act so touchy feely. Even with Sam she mostly wrestles around with her. Did I just compare myself with her kid? I need help.
She leaves a little kiss on the tip of my nose and gives me a playful smile. I let out a small sigh and I just know the tender moment is over. I get off her lap and stand up. Now that all of the passion and…desire is going I’m embarrassed about being naked in front of her. I guess she can just sense that I’m uncomfortable because after she does the whole elevator eyes over my body she turns around. Well thank God for that. Ok, now where are my clothes?
It takes me a few minutes to gather everything up. Not because I can’t find my stuff, but because I really don’t want to leave. Once we get home everything will be weird. She’ll be with Tanner again and I honestly don’t think I can handle seeing that. They don’t really show a lot of pda’s, but whenever they sit next to each other they touch in some way. Like her hand will be on his knee, or he’ll put his arm around her shoulders. I really don’t think I’ll be able to control myself.
Great, this is just perfect. There’s dirt, and grass stains all over the back of my shirt, and jeans. I’m probably never going to be able to get these stains out. Faith’s clothes are probably just as dirty. At least we can just say we got jumped by a couple of vampires. Except for the fact that we both smell like sex. We can’t go home at the same time because we only have one shower. I guess it doesn’t really matter. I don’t think I’m ever going to feel clean again.
“We can’t go back to the house together,” I tell her as she pulls her shirt over her head. She gives me a weird look and starts to put her pants on. “We both smell like sex, Faith. The best thing to do is for one of us to go back early and take a shower right away. I don’t feel like going home yet. So I’ll see you later.” I turn around and start walking away, but then she call out my name. I just want to go. “What Faith?” I turn around and she’s buckling up her belt.
“Look, B, what your dad did to your mom is really shitty, but you’re not like that. You don’t understand everything about me and Tanner. So don’t be thinkin’ that you’re a bad person, because you’re not. You never could be.” Her words aren’t exactly comforting. I don’t say anything. All I do is glance down at my shoes. “I guess I’ll see you at the house.” I guess she realizes I’m not going to say anything. I’m afraid if I try to say anything I’ll either do one of two things. I’ll either have another break down because of the very slutty thing we did. Or I’ll get really pissed off at her and start screaming.
I know she was just trying to comfort me, but she got it wrong. I’m not comparing myself to my dad because of what he did to my mom. Yeah I’m in a relationship but we haven’t even been dating for a week. Faith and Tanner have been together for almost four years. It doesn’t matter how much we enjoyed what we did, or if she has feelings or not. She shouldn’t have kissed me. She should have talked to me about it, and we could’ve come up with a solution.
No, instead she kisses me. How was that the better alternative? I really want to know what the hell she was thinking. I guess it doesn’t really matter now. We already had sex on the ground, which was pretty weird. I’ve thought about this a lot and I always imagined our first time would be in my bed. She and Tanner would be broken up and one night she just can’t get to sleep because she wants me so bad. So she comes into my room and wakes me up by softly kissing me on my lips.
After I’m awake she gets under the covers with me and she softly, and gently makes love to me. I never really thought about any of the details because I was never sure how two women make love. In my fantasy she was always on top of me, so I guess we were doing what we did tonight only not as rough. Why am I thinking about all of this now? I just had sex with somebody else’s girlfriend, and I live with that somebody. When I got home tonight I’m going to see him, talk to him, and have to act normal around him. This is going to suck.
I stop walking and take in a deep breath. I left Faith back at the cemetery about fifteen minutes ago. Now I’m at the spot behind Angel’s mansion that overlooks Sunnydale. I come here when I need to think. At least sometimes I do. Other times I’ll just walk aimlessly around town, or sit on the swings at the park. But I know Faith won’t follow me here, and I know that if Willow and Xander were looking for me this would be the last place they’d think of. They think I hate him because of what he did, but I don’t.
I sigh and put my hands in my pockets. ‘And here she stands the little lonely emo kid. Nothing in her life makes sense anymore’ no. That doesn’t sound right. ‘Everything in her life has gotten completely out of control. Everything she thought she knew about herself she’s learned is not true’. Ok, I’ll stop being dumb. I’m just trying to kill some time. I don’t want to think about anything right now because I’ll get too emotional. Like if I think about how I’m going to go home and sleep alone tonight I might start crying.
I never really believed that women get emotional after sex. I always thought that it was something guys made up just to have an excuse to leave, and be assholes. But now I know they’re not lying. After my night with Angel things were different. Everything was so crazy, and he said all of those mean things. So of course I was emotional. But right now after what Faith and I did I just want her to come back and hold me, and tell me that everything will work out. Ever though that’s all a total lie, I still want to hear it.
After about twenty minutes of just standing here and looking at the small town of Sunnydale I turn around and leave. It doesn’t matter how long I stay out or how much I think about other things, I’m never going to be ready to go home and try to deal with everything. So I might as well just go home and get it over with. I won’t bother with doing anything tonight. I’ll just take a shower and go to bed. I’ll probably listen to my walkman so I won’t have to listen to Faith and Tanner talking. Even if they don’t have sex they talk for at least an hour after they go to bed.
I don’t think I can handle that. Hearing them talking about everything but nothing at all. I want that too. I want to lie in bed next to Faith and wrap my arms around her and talk about nothing in particular. I want to gently kiss her goodnight before we fall asleep together. I want to wake up and have her be the first thing that I see. I want her to feel the same about me. But none of this matters. Even after what we did I know we’re not going to get a happy ending. Right now it’s time to stop thinking about it. It’s time for me to go inside and try to pretend like tonight never happened.
I slowly open the door and the first thing I notice is the lack of sound. The TV isn’t on, I don’t hear Sam wigging because she doesn’t want to sleep in her own bed, and I don’t hear my mom talking to anyone. It isn’t just Faith that my mom has gotten friendly with. She and Tanner have some pretty long conversations. I hate that he gets along with my mother. You have no idea how much I just want him to go away.
I walk into the living room and I see Faith sitting on the couch. Her hair is still wet and she’s in her pajamas. Well, Faith’s version of pajamas. She’s wearing black silk lounge pants and a gray t-shirt. Little Samantha is in her jammies too. A long sleeved button up shirt and matching draw string pants. Both are pink with little puppy dogs all over them. She wants a puppy so bad and she’s so damn cute when she pouts that I almost start whining for one whenever she does.
“Hey,” I hear Faith say and it pulls me out of my little zone out. “You were gone for a long time.” I didn’t walk straight home from the mansion. I wandered around town for about an hour and a half. Time sure flies when you’re avoiding something. “I was getting a little worried. Thought maybe a demon got a hold of you.” She was worried about me? I’m not sure if I should be flattered or offended.
“Well I’m fine,” I tell her and walk a little further into the room. I don’t know if I should sit down or not. “It seems like ever since those vamps came into town there hasn’t been a lot of activity.” I slowly sit down in the chair that’s next to the couch. I don’t want to seem needy, and I don’t want to do something stupid. Distance is the key for that.
“It’s like they’re trying to put us out of the job or something,” she says with a little smile. So this is how it’s going to be? We just go on like nothing happened, and be ok with it? I watch as Faith looks down at Sam. Her little girl is curled up in her arms and fast asleep. Faith is looking at her with this expression that only a parent can get. It’s this mix of joy and pride, and just seeing her with that look on her face makes me smile.
“I don’t know what I would do without her,” she says in a very low voice. There’s something about her tone that’s tell me I need to just be quiet right now and let her say what she wants. “I would still be fucked up, that’s for damn sure. I used to do so much shit just because I could. But then she was born, and I looked down into those eyes and I just knew that she’s why I’m here. Nothing else matters as long as she’s safe and she’s happy. She saved me from becoming a drug addict or an alcoholic. I just with my parents could see that.” Wow, that’s the first time Faith’s said anything about her parents. I’ve only asked her about them once or twice but she changed the subject and got distant. Maybe she’ll open up now?
“What were your parents like?” I ask in a very soft voice. I don’t want to wake Sam up. Once she gets to sleep she’s out for the night. If she wakes up there’s no getting her back to sleep. She’ll stay up and either talk to her stuffed animals, or cry. Anyway, Faith gets a pained look on her face. She carefully covers Sam up with her little Rocko’s Modern Life blanket. This is so cool, you have no idea.
“They were very Catholic,” she says and shakes her head a little bit. “They separated when I was little, and I stayed at my dad’s on the weekends. My mom was too busy enjoying the drinking and passing out parts of life to pay attention to me. My dad had a new girlfriend every other week but as long as we went to church every Sunday to confess our sins everything was fine.” She gets a weird look on her face like the words left a bad taste in her mouth.
“My dad was really fuckin strict, and my mom didn’t really care what I did as long as I got home on time. Tanner was the first person who really loved me. He didn’t wanna control me, and he paid attention to me. He just got me. I stopped wanting to go home, and I was too afraid to tell my dad I had a boyfriend. So I would lie and tell ‘em I was just staying at a friend’s house. His mom didn’t care if I stayed the night as long as I slept on the couch.” Wow. I don’t think my mom would ever let my boyfriend spend the night even if he stayed on the couch.
“What did your parents say when you told them you were pregnant?” She sighs and gets a really sad look on her face. She still hasn’t looked away from Sam. It’s almost like she’s in a trance. I want to know what it’s like to have that feeling, but I know I’m not ready to be a mom. I think Faith is the only slayer who’s had a kid, which is kind of weird if you think about it. Teenage girls have babies all the time, all over the world, so why is Faith the only one who’s a mother? Considering what she told me about the Council I really don’t want to think about it right now. I am going to interrogate Giles about it though.
“My mom called me a whore, and sent me to live with my dad. My dad wanted me to give her up for adoption but I told him no. He freaked out. Thought the devil was taking over my mind or something. He called my mom and talked to her. They both took me to the church we went to every Sunday. They told Father Thomas that I was pregnant, and they thought the devil was stopping me from making the right choice. I tried to tell him that I just didn’t want to give my baby up, that I couldn’t just abandon it. He told us to wait, and he went upstairs where he lives. He came back down with a cup of tea. He told me if I drank it, it would purge my mind and soul of the demon inside of me and then I could decide what was right.
“I kept telling him I wasn’t possessed, that I was fine but they wouldn’t listen. They tried to make me drink that stuff but I wouldn’t. I tried to get up and run but my dad grabbed onto me. He held me as tight as he could and Faith Thomas tried to force that tea down my throat. He kept saying ‘let the calamint purge the demon’. I let him put a bunch in my mouth but I spit it out. After a while they got tired and gave up. He told them to bring me back the next night and they’d try again.
“The next day I ditched school and went to the library. I looked up the word calamint in one of the big plant books that I found. I’ll never forget the last part of the passage. It said: ‘In medieval times the herb was used to cure stomach ailments, as an antidote to sickness, and as a cure for leprosy. It was also used to hinder conception and to induce abortions.’ I never went home again after that. I told Tanner’s mom what happened and she let me move in with them.” Oh my fucking God. I thought the story was going to be bad but I had no idea.
“Oh my God. That’s horrible. Did you call the cops? If he tried to give you that stuff then he could do it to other girls too.” She gets tears in her eyes and I know there’s more to the story. I want to ask but I don’t want to push. She’s upset enough as it is. I can’t just sit here and watch her about to cry. I get up and sit down next to her on the couch. I carefully wrap my arms around her so I won’t wake Sam up, and she rests her head on my shoulder. I feel her hot tears drip down to my shoulder. I don’t want to ever let her go. I want to protect both of them for the rest of their lives.
“I can’t lose her, Buffy,” she says and her voice sounds strained, like she’s hold back a sob or something. “I’m sorry but I can’t lose her. Tanner won’t just give her up, and I can’t live without her.” Oh, that’s what she’s crying about. At least I think it is. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.” I softly run my fingers through her hair, and she takes in a deep, shaky breath. It looks like I’m going to be a dirty little secret after all. I guess I’ll just have to learn to live with it.
“Faith it’s ok. I’d never ask you to do something like that.” I mean that. I’d never ask her to chose between me and her daughter. Even if she does have feelings for me it doesn’t matter. Her daughter will always be the most important thing in her life, and I know that. I guess I’ll just have to find a way to get rid of these feelings. “Let’s just go to bed, ok? We can talk tomorrow when I get home from school.” She nods her head a little but she doesn’t move and I’m glad. I’m not ready to give her up just yet.
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Know Who I Am