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Cause and Effect	By : elizashaw Category: AtS/BtVS Crossovers > Slash - Male/Male > Spike(William)/Xander > Spike(William)/Xander Views: 6461 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel the Series. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 12
- 13
Xander stared after the vampire as he slammed into the apartment and headed for the refrigerator to liberate a beer. He had a moment of wondering if the last twenty-four hours had even happened or if he was in a déjà vu-ing loop of some kind. He frowned as Spike opened the beer and then turned to shove the bottle at him. Ok, not a repeat of yesterday. He accepted the beer and watched as Spike grabbed another, banging it open on the side of the counter. The vampire drank as he paced the kitchen. Enough was enough.

"What the fuck crawled up your ass?"

Spike glared at him, and he shifted uncomfortably.

"Look, I get that you're pissed at me. Maybe if you actually told me what was going on under that layer of bleach we could deal with it."

The vampire's glare slid away from him to the bottle in his hands. Xander took an involuntary step back, remembering the shattering projectile bottle from yesterday.

"Not gonna hit you, wanker." Spike dragged a hand through his hair, willing himself to calm down.

"So talk to me."

"And what should we talk about, Harris? You running off to face the Senior Partners on your own?" The glare returned to Xander.

He shrugged. "For starters, I guess. Is that what has you so pissed off?"

Spike's glare turned incredulous. "The fact that you can ask that bloody question shows how stupid you are. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I was thinking about helping a friend who looked like he was about to be destroyed by the First Slayer." Xander spoke heatedly.

"It wasn't your fight! You had no right to go barging in." Spike resumed pacing, unable to squelch the fear that returned at the thought of Xander in the White Room on his own.

"You were dying! That stuff Fred and Wes tried wasn't helping. The machines were going crazy, and they couldn't do anything. I had to try something." Xander grew angry at the accusations.

"Vampire, you git. Takes a stake or sunlight to kill me, not a sodding dream." Spike sneered.

"Slayer, you asshole. Who's to say she couldn't kill you in a dream? You didn't see what was going on. Fred was practically frantic. She said your brain was dying. Maybe your body would have survived whatever that bitch was gonna do to you, butyou would have been dead." Xander slammed his bottle down on the kitchen counter, making the instinctive move to wrap his arms around himself as he relived the desperation at the thought that they were going to lose the vampire.

"And you thought you could help by going to the Senior Partners?"

Spike's question may have emphasized the lunacy of approaching the evil that owned Wolfram and Hart, but Xander heard the expected disbelief that he would have any useful help to offer. The comment bit deep.

"Is that what bugs you so much? That the Slayer's donut boy managed to save your ass? Sorry if I got in the way of you being mind-fucked, but I thought you might want to avoid becoming a vegetable." He stalked to his bag and shoved in the clothes that were hanging out, yanking the zipper viciously as he fought to control his hurt. What the hell had Tara been thinking when she told him to follow his heart? This is where it lead. Pain upon pain. Thank all the gods that he had managed to keep from falling any deeper for the acerbic vampire. It was just sex. He could walk away from sex.

He stood and slung the bag over his shoulder. "It's been fun. Have a great life, Spike."

Spike watched with growing disbelief as it registered that the man actually planned to leave. He growled and slammed the door shut before Xander could fully open it.

Xander threw the bag down against the wall.

"What the hell do you want from me, Spike?" He clenched his fists. "You want an apology? Not gonna happen. I did what I had to. I would do it again. I know I'm no slayer or witch or even an all-powerful vampire," he laid on the sarcasm, "but did it ever occur to you that this might be my fight as well? That there was a reason that I had to be there?"

Spike's eyes flashed yellow as he took in the trembling form. Anger and misery rolled off the man in equal parts. He stamped down on the anger and tried to address Xander's statement rationally. Since the debriefing with Lorne, he had wondered exactly what went on in the White Room once the First Slayer had retreated, and he had a feeling that was part of what had the man wound so tight.

"So tell me the reason. Tell me it wasn't just you throwing yourself into the thick of things without any consideration of the fact that you could get killed." He watched as Xander crossed his arms and glared at the floor.

"It doesn't matter why I did it."

"Matters to me."

"I told you I had to do something. Gunn said that maybe going to the White Room would help."

"And why did you think it had to be you going up there, mate? Charlie-boy has a pass to get up there, but the rest of us steer clear."

Xander's head came up as he stared at Spike with blatant shock. "You think I should have sent him up alone? Are you damaged? He never dealt with the First Slayer before. There's no way I was gonna chance getting somebody else killed when it was me who insisted on going up there. I know you think I'm just some weak human, but give me a fucking break, Spike. I'm not that much of an asshole."

Spike shook his head. "Not weak. Bloody careless with your own safety when you get going, but never weak."

"Oh." Xander struggled to process that. "Is that why you're pissed? ‘Cause I could have gotten hurt?"

It was Spike's turn to look away.

"Spike, I could have been hurt every day for the last eight years. Hanging around with slayers has never exactly been safe for us human types." The vampire moved to speak, but Xander held up his hand to stop him. "I know. I know. Fragile human is stupid for fighting the monsters. But I can't sit back and do nothing. I know about the monsters, and when people I care about are threatened, I couldn't live with myself if I stood back and did nothing just on the off-chance that I might end up dead."

"And your Scooby mates are okay with that?" Spike mocked. "You ending up dead? ‘Cause I'll tell ya, mate, you think I'm pissed off now? If you got yourself dead..." He couldn't continue.

A little voice in Xander's head broke into the Snoopy dance. Spike likes me! The voice got a stern slap upside the head, however, as Xander reminded himself that getting emotionally involved was very much a bad idea.

"I didn't end up dead. And I know you don't want to hear this, but I did have to be there."

"Lorne tell you that, or was it Tara?" Spike asked shrewdly.

"Something like that," Xander answered evasively. Once he had left the White Room, the confidence he had about accepting the position as a Guardian had faded, although he still felt the rightness of the decision. The thought of saying it out loud? Well, it just made the whole thing seem more ridiculous. He had no doubt that it would sound that way to anyone else. He agreed with Tara that the way they were gathering slayers now and isolating them from family and friends was akin to the way the Watcher's Council had operated for centuries, and he had begun to wonder if tearing them from their homes was what the heart-removing in his dreams meant. After all, Buffy was the longest living slayer in history, and she had done that, in part, by being supported by her family and the Scoobies. But he wasn't anybody special, just somebody who still cared deeply about his friends who were working so hard to rebuild and move on, despite his attempts to convince himself that he could walk away any time he wanted to.

"Xander," Spike prompted, concerned by the man's unhappy introspection. "What happened up there?"

Xander looked away. "You were in the dreams. You saw."

"After that."

Xander shrugged.

"Alright. Sit." Spike grabbed him by the shoulder and manhandled him over to the couch. He shoved Xander down and stood over him, arms crossed.

"If you won't tell me what happened, tell me why you won't tell me. After everything that's gone on the last couple days, you owe me that much."

Xander stared at his hands. Part of him wanted to share with Spike, wanted someone to sort through the prospect of what it meant for him to be a Guardian when the Council seemed to have no prior experience working with them. The rest of him said that telling anyone was a bad idea, and telling Spike would get him outright disbelief at best and mockery at worst.

"Nothing happened."

"New question, git. Keep up. I thought," he bit back a growl, "thought maybe we were friends, didn't I? Something big happened up there beyond standing up to that slayer bint." He relaxed his menacing stance and tried to ignore the hurt at being shut out again by someone he cared for.

Xander glanced up and caught the flash of sadness on the vampire's face. Guilt warred with shame. He hated bringing that expression to Spike's face.

"Look, it's not you." He gave a harsh self-deprecating chuckle. "And how's that for cliché?" He sat back on the couch, wishing he could just curl up in a corner and hide away until he made sense of all that had passed in the last twenty-four hours. Instead, he unthinkingly gripped his arms around himself. After the last year and closing himself off as much as possible from connecting to anyone in the wake of Anya's death, all this emotion upset that equilibrium he had worked so hard to maintain.

Spike recognized the standard Harris gesture of self-protection, and it only made him angrier. He should have just let the man leave. It would have been easier than fighting for his trust when he clearly didn't want to give it.

"Forget it. You want me to back off, fine. Don't have to tell me a sodding thing. My mistake for caring." He threw himself down onto the couch as far from Xander as he could get and flipped the TV on, scrolling through channels, telling himself he didn't care that Xander's hands gripped just a bit tighter and the man sunk in on himself that much further.

"Yeah, it was," Xander agreed sullenly.

Spike clicked the TV off and tossed the remote onto the table before turning to stare. "It was a mistake to care," he clarified slowly.

"Jesus, Spike. That shouldn't be a difficult concept," Xander spat out bitterly.

In a move too fast for Xander to follow, Spike had him pinned to the back of the couch. Eyes flashed yellow as he growled. "Enough of that self-pitying not-worth-anyone-caring crap. You saved me today. Yeah, and that scared me ‘cause it coulda got you killed. I coulda got you killed."

Xander shivered under the weight of the yellow gaze, turned on and afraid because he was turned on. A vampire holding him down shouldn't bring his cock back into the game. He struggled to pay attention to the words.

"Fucking hell, Xan," Spike closed his eyes against the concern and arousal that thrummed through him. "Why won't you let me in?"

"I can't, Spike." Xander whispered hoarsely. Desperation had him suddenly struggling against the powerful arms that held him down. He had to get away before the need became too much and they ended up back in bed with the nakedness. Sex this time wouldn't be casual, and he had a feeling that Spike knew that as well.

"Stop. Xander. Stop it!" Spike shouted to get the attention of the panicking man. Xander stilled. "Not gonna do anything you don't want." Spike gentled his hold and crouched down in front of Xander, trying to shake off his confusion. "Just wanna understand, okay?"

Xander brought his eye up to meet the concerned blue ones. The depth of feeling smashed at the walls around his heart that were already shaky at best. He wanted the vampire, no doubt there, and he could feel himself nearing the edge between lust and love. He had to save himself from making that mistake again. He unfolded his arms to reach out and stroke Spike's cheek with one hesitant finger.

"We don't exactly live a life that's conducive to this, and I'm not strong enough to lo...to care about someone and lose them again. I wish I was, but I know I'm not. So I can't let you any closer." He spoke with certainty and sorrow.

"Bollocks," Spike answered softly. He let his desire show clearly, unwilling for there to be any misunderstanding. "I want you, Xan, no mistake about that. Coulda lost you today, and you know what I woulda regretted?"

Xander shook his head mutely.

"Not any of the times between us, not touching you, not seeing you let go and come so beautiful." Xander blushed and shifted uncomfortably. "Woulda regretted not trying harder to break down those walls you got up trying to keep yourself safe, not getting to touch your heart like I got to touch your body." His hands reflexively tightened on Xander's arms as he felt the man pulling back. "I know there's a chance of pain. Love's bitch here. Been through my share of pain and more. But I never regretted loving. If you really think there's nothing here, I can back off. But don't lie to me, pet."

"Spike," Xander's voice broke and he cleared his throat to try again. He had to be strong, but he refused to let himself lie to the vulnerable vampire before him. "I want you, too. You know that." He gestured toward his lap and blushed. "I care, but it has to stop."

"Why?"

"Because," he groped for a reason other than the one he had already offered and had rejected. "I have to go back to London, you know, the Council. It wouldn't work--you here and me there." He relaxed marginally as he settled on a practical reason.

"Not much of a reason." Spike stroked the back of his hand over Xander's jean-clad erection. "Neither of us knows the future for certain, do we?" He turned his hand and cupped the man's groin, basking in the arousal that surrounded them, wanting more.

"Uhhhn," Xander closed his eyes and dropped his head back on the couch as his cock leapt under the vampire's gentle touch. His body wanted nothing more than to give in to the sensations, but he struggled against it.

Spike sensed the struggle and increased the pressure. As Xander's lust-glazed eyes opened, Spike leaned forward slowly. He watched the brown eye track his progress as he pressed between legs that fell open to accommodate him.

"Please," Xander moaned, hardly knowing whether he was asking Spike to stop or do more.

"Yeah, pet," Spike whispered as he brought his own hard cock into contact with Xander's and captured the warm lips in an open-mouthed kiss.

For long moments, tongues tangled and hips rocked in increasing friction, allowing the heat to build.

Xander groaned and admitted to himself that he wanted nothing more than to be back in Spike's bed, naked, hard and filled by the vampire. He knew that he would go back to England and the Council, that this would never work in the long-term, but that certainty now argued for taking what he wanted for this one night. At least he would know what it was like to have Spike fuck him, and maybe, just maybe, that memory would be enough.

"Please, Spike. Need you." Xander's hips thrust helplessly against the vampire nestled between his legs.

"What do you need, Xan?" Spike murmured against spit-slick lips.

"You...inside me." He reached between them to grasp the vampire's hard cock. "Need you to fuck me."

The combination of Xander's words and his warm hand had Spike panting with desire. He didn't stop to question the change of mind. Instead he levered himself to his feet and pulled Xander toward the bed, deftly working at undressing them both as they moved.

In what seemed like seconds, the vampire had him spread-eagled on the bed, kneeling between his open legs, ravishing his mouth with strong kisses. Xander wrapped his arms around the pale torso, pulling Spike flush against him, gasping as their cocks pressed together. His hips thrust involuntarily at the contact.

"Please, Spike." Having given in to his desire, his need to have the vampire inside him grew to impossible proportions. He couldn't wait.

Spike luxuriated in the hot body writhing underneath him. Their drooling cocks slid easily against one another, but he wanted desperately to come inside the man, imagining how hot and tight that grasping channel would be around him.

"Yeah, want you, Xan." He gasped between kisses. "Love you."

Xander couldn't repress the full-body shudder that when through him at the vampire's words. He didn't want love, couldn't have love. He needed to be fucked. Hard, fast, and now. He released Spike and pulled his knees up, offering himself.

The sight of Xander spread open for him shattered any thoughts of restraint, and Spike grabbed for the lotion on the bedside table, spilling it over his uncoordinated fingers to rub it into the man's welcoming hole. He watched as Xander threw his head back on the pillow, breath coming faster and heart pounding. He scissored his fingers, focusing on making the still-regenerating nerves obey as he coaxed the strong ring of muscle to relax.

"Now, now, fuck me, dammit." Xander chanted.

"Shhh, pet. Gonna have you. Gonna make you feel good." He increased his speed and depth as Xander pressed against his fingers. When he withdrew his hand, Xander whined.

"Ready, luv?" At Xander's frantic nod, he positioned his cock at the man's entrance, forcing himself to move slowly so as not to hurt his lover. Xander was tight, and he didn't want to cause pain by thrusting too hard, too fast. His care was roughly pressed aside, however, by Xander's sharp push back against him.

"Oh fuck," Spike breathed as Xander's heat enveloped him.

"Yeah, fuck," Xander agreed hoarsely. "Fuck me. Need you. Need this." He pressed up once more, taking Spike inside himself fully.

"Gonna fuck you," Spike soothed as he adjusted his weight on his arms, preparing to move inside that grasping channel. He slid out slowly before pressing back in, making sure to slide the head of his cock against Xander's prostate with each thrust. They writhed together as the vampire set an easy rhythm.

"More," Xander gasped. Spike's declaration of love still resonated in his head, and he wanted to escape that and lose himself in the sensations coursing through his body. He reached a hand down to pull on his own cock, wanting more stimulation until all became bodies and fucking.

"So beautiful, Xan," Spike murmured, his eyes raking over the glistening body beneath him. He leaned in to kiss the full lips as he prepared to increase his thrusting.

Xander's eye opened as he felt Spike shift above him, and he turned his head away from the kiss. At the same time, he reached up to grab Spike's ass and forcibly increase the strength of the vampire's fucking.

The vampire's head dropped forward as his cock slid deep, he felt Xander clenching his ass around him. He struggled to regain control and keep from pounding into the human will all his demonic strength, but Xander seemed to have other ideas as he continued to yank Spike forward with each thrust.

Spike faltered under the punishing rhythm, and he frowned down at Xander's face, not liking the painful concentration that darkened his features.

"Xan, luv?" He tried once more to kiss the panting mouth, but Xander turned away once more. His stomach sunk and his erection suddenly became less urgent, although the stimulation still had him rock hard.

"Luv," he tried again, his heart sinking as memories of another wounded human begging him to fuck harder, fuck faster, refusing any intimate, loving gestures. "Stop, Xander, wait."

"No." Hips lifted off the bed, slamming into him. "Need this." Sheer determination had Xander gripping Spike hard enough to leave bruises, and he felt himself tear a bit as his uncoordinated effort had him thrusting erratically.

Shocked into stillness at the sudden scent of blood, Spike flashed into game face and pinned the man's hips to the bed. He growled a warning that had Xander finally meeting his eyes.

The ridges and yellow eyes slid away to reveal hurt and confusion swimming in a clear blue gaze. Xander blinked and looked away. He allowed his legs to lower back down to the mattress as he tried frantically to think of a way to extricate himself from the mortifying position. He swallowed heavily and clenched his hands in the sheets.

Spike bit back several accusatory comments before he gave up and sunk down on the rigid body, resting his forehead against Xander's chest.

"You want me to hurt you?" He finally asked in a small voice.

"What?" Xander startled at the question. "No. No. I...I just wanted..." He blew out a harsh sigh. "God, Spike. I'm so screwed up."

"And you thought a brutal fuck from a monster would sort you out?" Spike lifted up to look at the pained face. "I've played that part before, and it didn't work out well that time either." He felt ridiculous with his hard cock still up Xander's ass, but he couldn't bring himself to pull away completely, not if the situation could be saved. For that to happen, though, it would take Xander being honest with him. He remembered the gentle arms that had held him in the hospital, the welcoming heart that had held onto the fear and pain with him. He wanted that Xander back with him, the one who could be fully present, not half locked away in some place in his own head.

"Talk to me, pet." He stroked gentle fingers down Xander's cheek.

"I want you so much," Xander admitted as his eye filled with tears.

"You have me, luv. Told you that."

Xander shook his head as a tear trickled down his cheek. "I'm scared," he whispered.

"Tell me, Xan. Let me make it better, luv," Spike begged. The man clearly held too much pain, and he wanted to take that away.

"You can't. Nothing you can do or say will make it better. Don't you get that? That's why I thought I could have this, if I didn't want too much, just fucking, just feeling you in me. It would be enough." His words tumbled out, hitching as the tears came faster.

With an effort, Spike managed to carefully turn them so that they lay still connected but on their sides, and he wrapped his arms tightly around the distraught man.

"Didn't want to just fuck you," Spike admitted. "Wanted to make love to you."

The vampire's words shattered into his soul, and Xander once again heard Tara's admonition to follow his heart. Still he fought against it.

"Don't." He spoke harshly. "Don't love me, Spike. It won't end well."

"Xander, luv, you haven't even let it start, and you're focused on it ending badly?"

"It always ends. And it always ends badly," Xander spoke bitterly, feeling an unexpected surge of anger. "And Spike? It's going to end tomorrow as soon as I walk out that door to go back to the Council. You know it won't work."

"So this was what? A fuck for the road?" Spike narrowed his eyes as he took in the miserable face. "I know you, Xander. You don't do casual sex with people you care about."

"People change." Xander shuddered as he thought about the one night stands that he had accumulated in the last year. He felt a wave of self-disgust for the way that he had tried to lump Spike into the same category.

"Sometimes," Spike agreed. "Sometimes people do things to protect themselves, to keep from getting hurt. But white hats don't suddenly decide to go around using people and raping their friends."

"I didn't!" Xander's eye flew open as he stared at the anger and hurt whirling through blue eyes that held nothing back.

"Yeah, if I let you keep on the way we were going, it would have been a helluva lot closer to that than a fuck between friends." As the shame and self-loathing filled Xander's face, Spike continued to meet his eye, willing the man to face the fear and anger that he had repressed for too long. He still had an uneasy feeling about what could have happened in the White Room, and he had an equally strong certainty that it all tied together somehow.

"God, Spike. That wasn't what I wanted."

"I know, pet. S'why I stopped."

Silence fell for several moments as Spike waited, and Xander struggled to make sense of the emotion roiling through his head and heart.

"I don't want to be so afraid, but I don't know how to stop." He spoke brokenly.

Spike sighed softly. "There's no guarantees, pet. Can't tell you that you won't ever hurt again, but closing yourself off isn't doing you any good."

"You don't know the half of it." Xander unwittingly pressed closer to the vampire as he felt the guilt for having turned away from his friends and their rebuilding efforts for so long.

"Tell me," Spike repeated.

Xander took a deep breath and hid his face in the vampire's neck, needing to not watch those expressive eyes as he spoke.

"You were right about there being more, with Tara, I mean, after the dreams." He paused, gathering courage. "The First Slayer showing up again was...it was partly my fault." He felt more than heard Spike begin to speak. "No, don't argue. It was. My dream about ripping out slayers' hearts? It's because I was supposed to be, I dunno, paying attention or something to their hearts or maybe more like to their connections with people. The First Slayer...well, she likes it when they're cut off. It's why she was happy about me taking their hearts ‘cause it meant that they were gonna be the solitary warriors that she was created to be."

"But Buffy wasn't like that," Spike stated.

"No, and that's why she lived so long, I think. She loved all of us, and we loved her. It gave her a reason to fight. I'm helping take that reason away from all the new slayers, setting them up with nobody around but other slayers and watchers, taking them away from everyone they love."

"You're not doing that all by yourself," Spike pointed out, frowning.

"But I saw it happening, and I didn't let myself care about it. Besides, it was easier for me that way. It meant I didn't have to worry about getting attached. Or getting hurt."

As important as all of this was, Spike felt like they were getting further away from the core of the problem rather than closer with all this focus on the Council's rebuilding efforts.

"What made you stop caring?"

"I had to. It hurt too much to care. Stopped seeing any of my friends. Stopped trying to connect with anybody."

"Sounds bloody lonely, pet."

Xander shrugged awkwardly in Spike's arms.

"Now I'm supposed to go back. Tara...she asked me to be a Guardian." He fell silent. Spike tried to sort out where he had heard of Guardians before. An image of an ancient wisp of a woman flitted across his brain.

"You mean one of those bints that watch over the Watchers?"

Xander snorted at the description. "Yeah, only not so much with the bint part. She said that the only way to keep from going back to the old way where the slayer was just a weapon in the hand of the council was that there had to be someone caring enough to guard their humanity." He paused as he recollected the way Tara had explained it. "It's like the Watchers are the brain and the Slayers are the hand and the witchy folk are the spirit, and the Guardians are the heart." He couldn't help but wince. "I'm supposed to be the heart, but I've been screwing that up. How am I supposed to go back and be a Guardian? Even if everyone actually believes what Tara told me?"

Spike stroked the dark hair comfortingly as he considered his words. "Seems like this whole Guardian thing is just doing what you've always done."

"Feels like that was a long time ago. I don't know if I can be that way now."

"Sounds like what you've been doing here with me," Spike suggested. "At least when I'm the one who's being threatened. You followed your heart up to the White Room, didn't you? Guessing you listened to your heart in coming here at all."

Xander stilled. He gripped the vampire tighter. "Couldn't lose you, too."

"Then let me love you, Xan." Spike pressed light kisses into the dark hair, stroking his hand down the tense back.

"I want that," Xander spoke quietly, shaking at the admission.

Spike's heart soared at the whispered words.

"Spike?"

"Yeah, luv?"

"Will you make love to me?" Xander pulled back, afraid but feeling oddly lighter for having laid his burdens in the arms of this beautiful creature without being rejected or derided.

"With pleasure," Spike gently undulated his hips, his cock twitching with renewed fervor.

Xander gasped as his prostate bore the brunt of that fervor. He surged forward to claim Spike's lips in a kiss, allowing himself to feel the fullness of his desire for the first time. He melted into the heat of lips and tongues sliding and tangling. He delved deeply into the cooler mouth, wanting to be as close as possible to the vampire now that he had given himself permission to care. The fear of being hurt still threatened, but he stubbornly ignored it. That fear had had him nearly raping Spike in the effort to take selfishly, and he wanted to make up for that. His hands stroked at hard arms, and he slid fingers between them to pull at Spike's nipples.

The passion that Xander poured into the kiss along with his wandering hands soon had Spike back on the edge of orgasm. He turned them so that he once again nestled between Xander's legs and reestablished his earlier gentle but thorough thrusts.

"God, Spike, so good." Xander gasped between kisses, unwilling to pull away from the talented tongue for long. Each kiss seemed to sink deeply into him, rebuilding his wounded soul.

Soon, Spike felt Xander's muscles tighten, and he reached down to stroke Xander's hard cock in time with his thrusts.

Xander stiffened as sparks shot down his spine, but still he didn't pull away, and he came gasping his pleasure into Spike's mouth. His clenching ass had Spike coming in a few more short strokes, filling him with the vampire's cool release.

Spike collapsed on top of the warm body, and their kisses became more languid.

"Love you, Xan," Spike murmured, snuggling close.

Xander took a deep breath. "Love you, too." He stared at the pleased shy expression on the vampire's face, and then he couldn't help it. He burst out laughing. "I love you," he repeated between giggles.

Spike arched an eyebrow as he watched the hilarity.

"Sorry," Xander gasped as he struggled for control. "Not laughing at you." He sobered quickly as he considered that Spike might actually think he was laughing at him. "I do love you. I never thought I would say that to anyone again, but it's true." A grin split his face. "I'm in love with you."

"Feels bloody nice, doesn't it." Spike couldn't help but grin back.

"Yeah. Yeah, it really does."

"Still worried that it's all gonna end badly?" Spike didn't want to ask, but he couldn't stop himself.

Xander considered the question seriously. "Yeah, I am. But you're right. There aren't any guarantees. I want this. I want you. I hated the person I was becoming, all closed off, but I couldn't find my way out of it." He closed his eye. "Maybe that's part of why I came here. You wouldn't let me be that person." He reopened his eye to smirk at the vampire. "Not that this is exactly how I saw it all playing out."

Spike kissed the smirk away before allowing Xander to continue.

"We might never have been the best pals, but you never backed away from telling me the truth. I needed that." Xander returned the kiss. "Needed this more. You gave me back my heart." He rolled his eyes as he heard the words over again in his head. "And we've now reached the sappy post-coital part of the evening."

"Sod off. I like it. I like that I gave you back your heart ‘cause it means I get to share it with you." Spike's smug grin slid into a yawn as the day caught up with him. He carefully slid from Xander's ass and gruffly pulled the covers up over them, snuggling close to that enticing warmth.

"Now go to sleep."

Xander chuckled, but agreed that sleep would be welcome. There would be time enough in the morning to deal with the practicalities of loving one another but living apart.
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Cause and Effect