Magic Moments

Magic Moments 11/?


“Spike? I think I might need to sit down now. Feeling kinda faint.”

“You’re not feeling sick, are you?” Giles asked with great concern.

“No, no. Not feeling sick at all. Just…”

Spike took one look at Xander’s pale face and pulled him straight back to the couch. “Right. Sit. And don’t panic.”

“Panic?” Xander squeaked. “I’m not panicking. I’m just…panicking. Slightly. A bit…okay, a lot.”

“Which is why you are going to do as you’re bloody well told and sit there and not panic. Where the sodding hell are those girls?”

~ding dong~

“Ah, that will be them now. Spike, it’s very important that we keep Xander calm.”

“Really? You don’t bloody say! I was just gonna wind him up like a clockwork mouse and see how far he scuttles! Bloody wanker.”

Giles tutted under his breath and turned to open the door. “Willow! Tara! Buffy! Dawn! So wonderful to see you all on such a beautiful morning!” Giles cried with far too much enthusiasm.

Buffy sighed and hefted a large battle axe onto her shoulder. “Okay, Giles. ‘Fess up. What is it? Where is it? And how many pieces do you want it in?”

“Erm, well. The *it* is Xander. And he’s sitting over there. And I’m sure we would all prefer it if you kept him in just the one piece, thank you. Spike, on the other hand…”

“Oi! Back off, Watcher! I’m just trying to do my bit.”

“Well, so am I!”

“By bitching about your carpet and stating the bleedin' obvious? Real bloody helpful.”

“This carpet is an antique!”

“Well, it’s about time you splashed out on a new one, then, don’t you think?”

“Well…I…you…Oh, never mind! Please sit down, girls. I’m afraid you are here under dire circumstances.”

Willow sat down with a bounce and smiled cheerfully. “What’s up? Vampires?”

“You could say that, yes. Xander, would you like to…?” Giles offered with a wave of his hand.

“Um, okay. Everybody, this might come as a shock…”

Spike snorted.

Xander glared and continued. “This might…will come as a shock, but, and please remember that I’m not lying and I’m also not joking, I’m freaking, that’s one thing that I am doing, but I just want you to know that I’m deadly serious…No, mustn’t say deadly. Okay, freaking out a little more. Bad, *bad* brain.”

Spike stood behind the couch and placed one comforting hand on Xander’s shoulder. “Let me tell, eh, pet? Just stay calm, yeah?”

Xander nodded and everyone turned their suddenly concerned gazes to Spike.

“We had some trouble with a Skuki demon…”

“Oh, goddess! A Skuki?” Willow cried, panic thick in her voice. “They can be so dangerous!”

“What’s a Spuki?” Buffy asked.

“A *Skuki,*” Willow corrected. “Blue, demony, glasses, quite small feet? They often have a thing for dark-haired men and vampires. And worst of all, they have a really sick sense of humour. They’ll do almost anything for a laugh.”

Spike snorted again. “Ain’t nothing funny about this, Red.”

“What did it do? Did it hurt Xander?”

“No. But it sure as hell knocked him up.”

“Knocked him up?” Buffy asked. “He doesn’t look bruised…”

“Bleedin’ hell! You lot really are retarded. Let me spell it out. The Skuki cast a spell and made. Xander. Pregnant. I am the father.”

“Xander’s father? I’m confused.”

“Well, colour me surprised, Slayer. It’s my baby.”

“Baby? Xander’s pregnant?”

“Well, bugger me backwards. Halleluiah, we have a winner!” Spike shouted, pointing at Dawn.

Willows eyes went comically wide. “*Pregnant*? Are you sure?”

“No. Now that I think about it, maybe he just ate too many pies!” Spike cried, pointing at Xander’s hefty belly.

“Hey! Are you calling me fat?”

Spike growled. “I didn’t say that,” he said slowly.

“Sounded like it,” Xander muttered, lifting his shirt slightly to see if it was really true. “OH MY GOD!”

Everybody flinched at the scream and Willow wondered if she could magic up a new eardrum.

As several pairs of hands reached out to him in concern, Xander got to his feet and lumbered away until his back hit the wall. “I don’t believe this is happening to me. Why is it always me? Why couldn’t someone else be pregnant?”

Spike approached cautiously. “Pet? What just happened?”

“Like you care!”

“I do care…”

“No, you don’t. You just don’t want to get staked.”

“That ain’t true.”

“Yes, it is. If you weren’t implicated in this, you’d be curled up in your crypt right now.”

“Now, hang on, I will admit to being a tad on the sleepy side, but I’d still be here.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Xander said, stubbornly. “You don’t care about me.”

“Shut your gob, Harris. I do bloody care, more than you realise. Now calm yourself and tell me what just happened.”

Xander glared suspiciously before he dropped his gaze to the floor and began picking at his fingernails. “Stretchfnarfmarks,” he whispered.

“Eh?” Spike asked as he edged closer.

“Stretchfnarfmarks.”

“What? You’re gonna have to speak up.”

“I HAVE STRETCH MARKS!”

“Oh. Right. Let’s have a look, then.”

“Excuse me?! You are so not looking.”

“Come on, pet. Don’t be shy. Let me look.”

“I’m not shy. It’s just…”

“Just what, luv?”

“The girls are watching,” Xander whispered, quietly enough so that only Spike could hear.

Giles cleared his throat. “While I’m sure that a presentation on Xander’s stretch marks would be most fascinating, might I suggest that we all get on with some research?”

Xander flinched at the mention of his new affliction. Why doesn’t the Hellmouth ever swallow you up when you need it to?

“Tara, Dawn, I have some books I’d like you to go through. They’re at the shop, I’m afraid. I’ll explain everything you need to know in the car. Buffy, we’ll drop you off on the way. I need you to hunt out the Skuki responsible for this and see if you can get it to reverse the spell. Willow, if you would be so kind as to stay here and see what you can find on the World Wide Web? You’ll find my notes on the problem over there. Okay. Does everyone know what they’re doing?”

Xander raised his hand. “What am I doing?”

“*You* will stay here and try not to worry. We will stop this, Xander. I promise you,” Giles said, a small trickle of compassion and concern seeping through before he immediately became flustered again. He ushered Tara, Dawn and Buffy out the door before they could break free of their shocked paralysis.

The door shut and Spike frowned. “What am I supposed to do, then?” he asked no-one in particular.

Willow pointed. “Erm, catch Xander?” she suggested, sweetly.

Spike turned and held out his arms, receiving an armful of unconscious Xander.

“Should we call Giles back?” Willow asked.

“Naah, he’s just going through the next phase.”

“Phase?”

“Yeah. First the cravings, then the puking up, then the mood swings, and now…”

“Spike, I don’t think pregnant women…pregnant people are supposed to faint.”

“He ain’t fainted. He just went to sleep.”

“Are you sure?”

“’Course! Bloody expert now, aren’t I? Look, women get tired when they’re pregnant. He’s experiencing an extreme version of that.”

“Really? We shouldn’t call someone?”

“No. Best thing you can do is get on that computer and find out how the fuck to deliver this baby.”

“But Giles said to Buffy… Aren’t we trying to stop it?”

Spike laid Xander on the couch and sat down beside him. “Looks like it,” he said, almost sadly. “But I reckon we need to be prepared for…the worst. We need to be able to get this baby out safely if that lot can’t reverse the spell.”

“That…that makes sense.” Willow hurried to the table and switched on her laptop. “I’ll look up anything on mystical pregnancies and anything that might point to magic being used in a natural pregnancy.”

Spike nodded and turned back to Xander, surprised to see his brown eyes staring back up. “Alright, mate?”

“Tired.”

“You must be. That’s the first time you’ve ever used just the one word in a sentence.”

Xander smiled briefly before frowning and looking down at his stomach.

“Still fretting over those stretch marks, eh?”

Xander nodded. “You think I’ll get bigger?”

“Maybe. Probably.”

“Great. I’ll be scarred for life.”

Spike thought it was a little strange that Xander seemed more preoccupied with stretch marks than the possibility of having a child. But as long as there was calmness and no panicking, then Spike could definitely live with it.

Suddenly, Spike had an idea. It was known to happen occasionally. “Oi, Red,” he called. “Got any moisturiser?”

Willow rummaged through her handbag. “I’ve got hand cream. Will that do?”

“Bloody brilliant. Chuck it over.”

Spike caught the tube and unscrewed the cap, squeezing a sizable amount onto his palm. “Right. Shirt up.”

“Huh?”

“Go on. Just a bit. Red ain’t looking.”

Xander glanced over and saw that it was true. Willow was engrossed with something on her computer screen. No-one was watching. It was just him and Spike.

Xander smiled again and lifted his shirt up just enough the expose his round belly. “Okay.”

Spike smiled back sweetly…well, he tried, he really did, but non-evil smiles were difficult when you were as evil as Spike. The sweet smile came out more like a dentist who was about to perform a full extraction.

Still, Xander didn’t seem to mind and he let his eyes drift shut again as Spike massaged his stomach with soft hands. It felt nice, calming, soothing. Who knew that Spike had such talented hands? Xander couldn’t help the contented sigh that suddenly escaped.

So goooooood.

Spike stroked, using his hands more to calm and relax Xander rather than to treat the almost non-existent stretch marks. He was just getting a good rhythm going when he noticed something: a heartbeat, a teeny tiny human heartbeat. His hands stopped and rested while Spike marvelled at what he was hearing.

How amazing is this?!

Xander opened his eyes to demand more stroking. Who does that vampire think he is, stopping like that?! “What?” he asked, puzzled by the strange look on Spike’s face. “What is it?”

“I can hear its heartbeat,” Spike replied, without thinking.

Xander hesitated. On the one hand he was freaked out beyond belief, but on the other hand there was something amazing in that he had a life inside him, a life that Spike could hear. “Really?” he said, finally. “You can really hear it? What does it sound like?”

“It sounds…incredible, like a tiny little person.”

Xander grinned. “I wish I could hear…Eeek!”

“Bloody hell!”

Willow shot up from her chair and raced over. “What happened? Xander, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Wills, really. I think…”

“The baby just kicked,” Spike finished.

“Really?” Willow bounced. “Can I have a feel?”

“Sure,” Xander agreed, taking Willow’s hand and placing it next to his and Spike’s.

With mouths gaping like surprised manta rays, they waited for the baby to kick again. Three minutes, and no-one moved a muscle. Then the baby shifted.

Xander gasped.

Willow squealed.

Spike...was concerned. Something sounded weird. Over the tiny pitter patter of the baby’s heartbeart, he could hear something else. At first Spike’s panicking brain tried to convince him that he was hearing things, that he must be delusional, but as reality smacked him in the face like a nicely bowled cricket ball, he realised what he was hearing.

What the bloody, buggering, sodding, bollocking, wanking hell am I gonna tell Xander?

TBC…