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Both Sides Now	By : addielogan Category: BtVS AU/AR > Het - Male/Female Views: 6136 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 10
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Dawn felt calmer in the morning, the events
of the previous night seeing almost surreal. She awoke in Andrew's arms again,
and that alone was enough to make the fear lessen. He told her that it would be
okay, that they'd figure everything out, and that she wouldn't disappear�and
she believed him.
He never rolled away from her when they
slept. He'd hold her as long as she'd stay in his arms, a content look on his
face. She loved the way that made her feel, knowing even in sleep he was happy
to have her close.
"Feeling any better this morning?"
Dawn looked up, startled that Andrew was
awake. His eyes had still been closed when he'd spoken, but now they were
slowly blinking open. "A little, yeah," she replied. "Still not
thrilled with the idea of mystical energy camping out inside of me and sending
me cryptic messages and possibly trying to take over my body, but I'm not as
scared as I was last night."
"Good," Andrew said, brushing a
kiss across her forehead. "You'll be all right. We'll figure this out, and
you can go back to being just Dawn again. There's nothing to worry about at
all." Andrew hoped he sounded convincing. He'd never been good at taking
the supportive role. When he wanted to panic, that's what he did. But he had to
be strong for Dawn. If he let on how terrified this made him, then it would
only worry her more. He had to be a good boyfriend for her.
"Giles did some research on the Key
when Glory was around, but I don't think he found much. Although he had to be
careful then since he didn't want the Council to know about me�nor were they
exactly forthcoming with the knowledge anyway." She paused, frowning.
"How much is left of the Council's library anyway? I thought it blew
up."
"They had some things in remote
storage, which preserved a good bit. There were also some copies made of
certain texts that remained even though the originals were lost. And there's been
teams of Watchers going into other dimensions in search of texts lost in this
one," Andrew replied.
"Wow. Only a Watcher would actually go
into a demon world to get a book. Weirdoes."
"You know, you are currently sharing a
bed with a Watcher�"
"Yeah, well, you're different,"
Dawn replied. "Not nearly as freaky as some of those
other people on the Council. I mean, would you go jumping into hell to find some old, musty book?"
Andrew smirked. "Probably
not."
"So, see? Not one of those weirdo
Watchers."
"If you say so," Andrew said with
a small smile.
"I do. The 'girlfriend's always right'
rule applies here, too." She punctuated her statement with a kiss on his
cheek.
"Well, who am I to argue with
that?" Andrew asked, smiling under her affection.
"So what do we have to do to get into
this Watcher's database?" Dawn asked, sitting up.
"Just have to hook up my laptop,"
Andrew replied, sitting up as well. "I have unrestricted access, so it
won't be a big deal."
"Ooh, look at you, big important
Watcher guy."
Andrew turned his gaze down. "Don't
tease."
"I'm not." Dawn placed her hand
against his cheek. "Hey, I'm not teasing. You've come a long way since I
first met you, Andrew. I'm proud to see who you've become.
Andrew looked up at her quickly, startled.
"No one's ever been proud of me before."
"Well, I am. You got off to a rocky
start, but you've grown up. You moved past everything, and look at you now.
You've got a good, important job, and you're sitting in an apartment in Rome
with a seriously hot girlfriend who wants your body." She winked.
"And that's a marked improvement from
where I've been in the past," Andrew said with a chuckle. He leaned in,
his lips almost touching hers. "And my girlfriend is seriously hot." He put his hand on the back of her head, guiding
her mouth to his as his fingers tangled in her hair.
"You know," Dawn said when they
broke away from each other, panting, "if you'd stop saying we have to
wait, you could be getting laid right now."
"One more day," Andrew replied.
"Besides, we have research to do right now."
"Research over sex. Yep, you're a Watcher."
Andrew gave her a look. "I'm going to
get my laptop."
Dawn propped up the pillows, leaning against
them. She found herself wishing that Buffy wouldn't come back�at least to the
apartment. She didn't want her sister to get hurt, but she hadn't exactly been
the easiest person to live with since Sunnydale. She was either
quiet and withdrawn or off partying with the damn Immortal, sometimes
for days.
She felt the bed dip beside her and looked
over at Andrew as he started up his laptop. "What were you thinking about
just now?" he asked. "You looked all serious."
"Buffy. I love her, but it's been a lot
easier these past couple of days without her around. And not
just because we've had lots of alone time. I was thinking it would be
better if she just, I don't know, stayed in L.A. or something." Dawn added
with an eye roll, "Maybe she and Angel will decide to give tragic romance
another go."
"I doubt it. Spike was the one she
seemed more hung up on, at least from what I saw," Andrew said.
"But Spike's dead."
Andrew blinked. "Right.
I knew that. I just meant that she's probably still not over Spike enough to
start back with Angel."
"Yeah, which is why she's with Morty," Dawn grumbled.
"I'm in the database," Andrew said
quickly, wanting to steer the conversation away from anything Spike related.
"Where should we start?"
"Um, just try 'key,' see what it gives
us," Dawn said, leaning forward.
Andrew did, frowning at what came up on the
screen. "There are 12,351 entries found for 'key,'" he said.
"Well, damn. Guess we're going to have
to narrow the search. Maybe we should cross-reference it with Glory. Or the Knights of Byzantium. Or those monks who made me,
though I have no clue what the name of their order was�"
"We'll try all three," Andrew
said, reaching over to give her hand a reassuring squeeze. "And hey, if
you want me to go through all 12,351 entries, I will."
"No, don't do that. It would be too
much work."
"Dawnie, for you, nothing is too much
work."
"Well, let's start with trying to
narrow it down. Start with Glory. Or her full name�Glorificus."
Andrew ran the new search as Dawn leaned in,
hoping he'd find something that could give her some answers.

***
*** ***
"I'm
sorry, Dawn," Andrew said, hours later when their search had turned up
next to nothing.
"Hey,
don't be. We did find something," Dawn said, hating how dejected he looked�like
he'd failed her.
"We
found like half a paragraph that said there had been rumors about the existence
of something called the Key that could breakdown interdimensional walls,"
Andrew replied. "We knew that. We knew more than that,
since we also know it's more than a rumor."
Dawn
squeezed his shoulder. She was disappointed they hadn't found more, but she
knew Andrew had done the best he could. It meant a lot to her that he'd even
tried. "It's okay. You looked, but I just don't think there's a lot
available on the Key.
"It
might be written about more widely in other dimensions," Andrew said.
"Then
maybe one of those crazy hell-hoping Watchers will find it." Dawn leaned
over, resting her head on his shoulder. "And I don't feel like I'm going
to turn into a ball of green glowy energy right this very second, so it's not
like there's a huge rush."
Andrew
turned so he could wrap his arms around her, her head now resting at the crook
of his neck. "I don't want that to happen to you ever. You're...you're the
only person in the world that cares about me."
"Other
people care about you, too."
"No,
they don't. Not really. How upset do you think Buffy would really be if
something happened to me? Or Giles? I'm not saying
they'd exactly dance on my grave, but they wouldn't lose sleep over it either.
But hey, like you told me back in Sunnydale--I probably should have thought
about that before I killed my only friend."
Dawn
looked up. "Andrew, I'm sorry I said that. It was mean of me. I
didn't..."
"No.
You were right. I murdered Jonathan. It's something I have to live with every
day. Katrina, too."
"Warren
killed her."
"I
was there, Dawn. I didn't do anything to help her. I helped Warren." He
pulled away from her. "I've been alone because of the things I've done.
I've hurt too many people to deserve to have anyone care about me."
Dawn
put her hand against his cheek. "I care. You made mistakes, and yeah, they
were really bad ones, but they don't define who you are now. And the fact that
you can own up to what you've done says a lot."
"I
couldn't always," Andrew replied. "Your sister had to dangle me over
the Hellmouth and threaten me."
"You
can't hate yourself forever because of your past."
"Tell
that to Jonathan and Katrina."
Dawn
looked at him for a moment, realizing something about him that she hadn't
really before. She'd never seen how deeply his guilt ran, how strongly what
he'd done affected him. He tried to mask it. At one point, he'd tried to ignore
it, tried to gloss it all over, but he didn't anymore. It was a heavy weight on
his soul, but still something he tried to keep to himself. He distanced himself
from other people, let everyone see a persona they
could easily dismiss. It was his burden, his guilt, and he thought he had to
carry it on his own, never let the pain dull.
She
pulled Andrew back to her, holding on to him tightly. "I love you. I
love you so much. You're a good person, and you don't deserve to be alone
forever. You deserve love, Andrew." He tried to pull back, but she didn't
let him, keeping him close and murmuring her love softly. He trembled in her
arms, and she thought he might be crying, though he didn't make a sound. She
kept holding him for a long while, stroking his back and hair soothingly.
When
they finally broke apart, Andrew wouldn't look at her. "I shouldn't have
done that. I shouldn't have put it all on you like that."
"No,
what you shouldn't do is hold it all
back. Not from me. You can't keep everything buried all the time, and I'm the
person who's supposed to bear the burden with you."
"No,"
Andrew said, shaking his head. "You don't need my problems."
"But
I want them. I love you, and I don't want you suffering like this alone. I want
to support you, be there for you."
"You
can't!" Andrew didn't realize he'd yelled until he saw the mix of surprise
and hurt on Dawn's face. He took a deep breath. "Dawnie, I'm sorry. It's
just that... I'm a murderer. I've killed. I shouldn't even be here right now. I
should be in prison. And if the guilt tears me up inside, well, it should. I
need to suffer for what I've done."
"But
you've done good, too! You helped in the battle
against the First, and you've done a lot since then as well."
"That
doesn't change what I already did. It's not like there's scales I can tip in my
favor by doing more good than evil. Jonathan is always going to be dead.
Katrina is always going to be dead." He looked down and added softly,
"Tara is always going to be dead."
"No,"
Dawn said, her voice full of conviction. "Warren shot her. Tara's death
isn't your fault. You didn't kill her. You didn't."
"I
went along with Warren on everything. I let him get away with what he did to
Katrina. I knew he was capable of killing, and I didn't do anything to stop
him. If I had, Tara would still be alive."
Dawn
shook her head. "No. No. You
don't know that. Tara was my friend, and her death was not your fault. You had
no way of knowing that Warren was going to do what he did."
"I
knew he'd hurt someone. I knew he wanted to hurt Buffy. I never tried to stop
him�I helped him with his plans. I would have let him kill Buffy. Your sister. Does it
somehow make me less guilty of anything that Warren accidentally killed Tara
instead?"
Dawn
shook her head again, harder this time. "You didn't kill her." She
sucked in a deep breath, fighting tears. "You're not the kind of person
Warren was. You didn't want to hurt people the way he did. You just... You
loved him."
Andrew's
shoulders slumped, and he couldn't bring himself to raise his head. "I
did. I wanted so much for him to love me back. I would've done anything just to
hear him say the words."
Dawn
reached out and pushed his hair away from his forehead. "Warren used you.
You were his victim, too."
"I
didn't fight him."
"Love
doesn't always make you behave the way you should."
"Is
that why you're being so nice to me?"
Dawn
frowned. "Hey. Don't turn that around on me like that. What we have is different.
We're not using each other. I don't want to hurt you, and I know you don't want
to hurt me either."
"I
don't. But if history has taught me anything, it's that I will."
"You
won't," Dawn said. "Things are changing for you now. You're not alone
anymore."
"Dawn..."
Dawn
picked the laptop up off the bed and set it on the floor before lying down. She
pulled Andrew down with her, letting him rest his head against her as she held
him. "Shh...Just let me love you."
Andrew
didn't try to argue anymore, didn't try to fight against the hold she had on
him. Her arms were a soothing place to be, and it was what he wanted�regardless
of what he deserved.

***
*** ***
This fic is nominated in the Sunnydale
Memorial Fanfic Awards. You can check them out here: http://www.geocities.com/sunnydawards/
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