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What are we gonna do now?	By : norwalker Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 3568 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 10
- 11
- 12
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What are we gonna do now?

Chapter 11

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The anger Faith felt when she was ‘put on leave of absence’(just say FIRED, FANG) is only increasing.

She’s driving home, her eyes cold with rage. Her knuckles are white where they grip the wheel. Her mouth is a grim straight line. I don’t think I’d want to be a certain brooding hair gel loving vampire right now.

“ You’re not looking at things objectively Faith”

“ You’re letting your emotions overwhelm you ,Faith”

Yah, you should talk Fang. Wanna talk about Sunnydale sometime?

“You’ve become too close to it”

What, the truth, dead boy? Exactly what IS the truth, dead boy? Or aren’t we playing share right now?

“ I think I know Cordy better than you do”

Oh…yeah, if you were looking with eyes that weren’t blinded, ya dope. THAT’S NOT CORDELIA

Cordelia

This all started when that ….that…. bitch … ‘came back’.

You blind idiot. That …thing…isn’t Cordelia. I suspected it for awhile. After our little ‘talk’ tonight, I know it. Whatever that is, it isn’t Cordelia. Not the Cordy I knew in Sunnydale(vain, shallow, and snobby… but sometimes not half bad) Nor the Cordy that visited me in Prison(Still vain, less shallow, not snobby…and caring. Something I hadn’t seen before in her). This “Cordelia” is one cold bitch. Those eyes… can freeze hell. There is this calculation I never saw in her… not the shallow manipulation she would pull… this is deep…and mean. I’ve seen her look at you when you’re not paying attention… I would run for the hills, or look for the stake in my back, Fang. She’s using you, Angel. Now she’s got The Program…and I suspect what she has in mind for that is not good. So not good.

Stupid, stupid , stupid. Men are so STUPID. I woulda thought being undead for so long you would be a little different. But you’re just as stupid. You don’t think with your head. Now, it’s all fucked up.

Horns blaring, and cursing, make her realize she’s not driving so weler cer concentration is shot. Someone flips her the finger, and she says “ Bring that closer, lover. I’ll teach you how to touch the back of your wrist with it”

Stop it, Faith. It’s not his fault you’re being a jackass

Faith pulls off to the side of the road, shaken. She is angriest with herself for letting what she has worked so hard on the last two years slip through her fingers.

Because of … Cordelia.

Think about it Faith. When did things start changing? When Cordy ‘came back’. When did you start getting knots in your stomach thinking about The Program? When Cordy came back. When did you get canned? After Angel put Cordy as liaison to The Program. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

That little voice in her head chimed in. That little voice that always was there, goading her, needling her, pushing her to do things she really didn’t want to do. The little voice that had so run her life when she was younger.

“See Faith? See what you get for trusting people? Kicked. That’s what you get.”

Shut up.

“ Aw, Faith, just lookin’ out for ya. Making sure things are 5 by 5. I mean, do you really think they care about you?”

Shut. Up

“ You can’t be that stupid, Faithy. They’re just using you . Used you, and threw you away. Yah, they care bunches about ya”

SHUT. UP.

“You think you’re good enough for ‘em faith? Think you’re special? Some little street slut? Some little broken doll? You’ve always been a fool, Faith. Trying so hard, just to get kicked, and kicked again. Stupid, stupid bitch”

SHUT.UP.SHUT.UP. SHUT UP.

“ They’re laughing at you , Faith. Laughing at you for being a fool”

SHUT UP. STOP IT . SHUT UP NOW!!!!

“ And Buffy? You think B really loves you? She’s probably laughing right along with the rest of them. You're so incredibly stupid, Faith. Such a dumb bitch.”

STOP IT . GODDAMN IT I’LL SHOW YOU . STOP IT . SHUT UP , SHUT UP >.

Faith roars out of the parking space, nearly taking out 2 cars. She doesn’t care.

She’ll show her.

She’ll show em all.

~~&~~&~~&~~&~~&~~&~~

Buffy is walking. She doesn’t know where, just walking.

She had to get out of that apartment. It's large…Huge…but she felt the walls closing in on her. Felt the emotions. Felt the words not said, the secrets crushing her.

She jumped off the couch, ran through the door, and flew down the stairs, not waiting for the elevator. She couldn’t stay in there another second.

So she’s walking. And thinking. Trying to figure out what to do.

She’s angry, confused and hurting. Why? WHY? Why won’t she let me in? Why is she hiding things? What is going on?

I thought, really thought we had something. Something special and close. Something worth fighting for.

So why are neither of us fighting? Why is she hiding? Why am I running?

I know something is eating at her. Worrying her. Making her hurt. But she won’t trust me, won’t come to me. Why? What did I do?

“ oh, I dunno , Buffy? How about in Sunnydale, when from the first you shoved her away? When she tried to reach out to you, you ignored it, or slapped her away. How about leaving her to deal with Alan Finch’s death? And then, even if she was bad, you tried to kill her? Think that might make her hesitate trusting you?

“ Or how about she came back, and helped you kick the First’s ass, watched your back, saved your ass…and what? She almost begs you to stay with her, and what do you do? Run to England. Ya, that’s good for building trust.”

I thought we got past that. I thought we…really … connected.

When I saw that painting she did of me. The love she poured into it. The way she made me. I…it hit my like lightening. What I felt for her. The dream…the dream made sense. Her out there, in the desert alone, waiting for me…standing, smiling when she saw me “ I’ve been waiting for you”. Waiting for me. To catch up. Realize what was right in front of me.

Oh , god I love her so much!!!

What did I do wrong? How did I make her feel like this? That she has to hide things from me?

Did I get it wrong? Maybe…she doesn’t love me?( oh, please, god no…please don’t say that). Maybe she just needed someone to hold her? And I …mistook it for more? Now, maybe I’m painful for her to be around? I make her uncomfortable in her own home? Maybe… I’m an embarrassment to her? Oh, god what if she doesn’t love me? I can’t believe it. I won’t believe it. Not the way she treats me. When she lets me in a little. In bed. She makes me feel so special, so loved. But, what if I’m mistaking sex for love? Afterglow for …more?

I want to die. If she doesn’t love me, I just want to die.

She just stands there for awhile. It hurts too much to move. Her guts are twisted into knots, the thought of Faith not loving her back tears at her heart. She forces back the tears, she won’t cry. Not now. Not knowing. But her hands are fists, the fingernails almost cutting into her palms.

Finally, she starts walking back to the apartment. Her steps are slow, devoid of life. She moves like someone facing a death sentence.

She has to know. How Faith feels. If her being there is making Faith upset, miserable. If so, she’ll go. It’ll kill her, but she’ll go. She’ll manage somehow. Somehow.

She doesn’t want to know.

But she has to know.

So, she heads back to wait for Faith.

~~&~~&~~&~~&~~&~~&~~

Buffy approaches the door to the apartment and hesitates. She sighs, knowing that she has to do this. It doesn’t make it any easier.

She gets her key to unlock the door, then notices it's a little ajar. Huh? I know I locked this when I left. Maybe she is already back?

Buffy’s stomach hits her toes. For a brief moment, she contemplates running. Maybe finding a bar or something to get drunk at. Anything but go through that door. But she decides she has to do this, now. Or it’ll never get done.

She opens the door, calls out “Faith….” And stops dead

The place is demolished.

It looks like a hurricane blew through here, followed by a set of destructive demons

Furniture is torn, and thrown everywhere.

The TV set has been kicked into the wall.

Most of the lamps are broken, one sparking.

The coffee table is reduced to rubble.

She hears a noise in Faith’s studio, and tenses.

She drops into a fighting stance. The door is open. She walks over, and is ready to fight.

“Ok, Asshole. Freeze. You’re so gonna be…FAITH?” Buffy freezes

She sees Faith. Faith is tearing paintings off the wall. Smashing them, tearing them to pieces. Faiths stops, on hearing Buffy. She stands stock still.

“Faith?” Buffy repeats, but low… almost a whisper.

Faith turns to Buffy. When Buffy sees her face, her expression, her heart goes cold. It's old Faith… Bad Faith. The Faith that worked for the Mayor, and delighted in torturing her. Her eyes are ice. Her face is smiling, but it's a sneer more than a smile. Buffy feels something she hasn’t felt for a long time . She feels a small twinge of fear. Of Faith.

Faith cocks her head, and says “ Hey, B. Just get back? Whattya think?”

Buffy stands and looks at Faith, not saying a word.

“ What, cat got your tongue, B? Too bad, you use it pretty good in bed. Had better, but you’re not too bad”

“ So, whattaya think, Twinkie? I got bored painting. Decided to branch out. Performance art. Like the redecoration? I thought I’d call it “ Faith’s Fucked up life, and what a Fool sh”. N”. Nice ring, don’t ya think?” Faith half sneers at her.

“Faith? What is it? What’s wrong?” Buffy is scared, and hurting for Faith at the same time.

“Wrong? Hell, Nothing’s wrong, B. I’m bored, ‘s’all” Faith says, her voice low and dangerous. “So bored”

She takes another painting from the wall, and starts smashing it.

“Bored with the good guy routine. Bored with feeling guilty” Smashes her fist through the canvas. “ Bored with all the crap.” She destroys the frame.

“Why are you doing this? What happened, Faith?” Buffy tries to move closer, but Faith stops her with a look.

“Don’t even, B. Well, what happened? Gee, I don’t know. Your ex…you remember? Angel? The one you boinked and turned into a Homicidal Maniac?” Faith sees Buffy’s stricken expression, and chuckles. “ I see you remember. Well, Mr. Perfect Guy, Mr. Soul Vamp, decided I was useless tonight. Decided everything I worked for was a joke, I guess. Decided “ I was too close, to emotional”. Decided to fire my fucking ass tonight.” Faith takes another painting, and starts smashing it on the wall. “ the thing I had been working on for the last two years. The thing I put my all into, my heart, my soul…and I get thrown away. Used. Yup, that’s Faith in a nutshell. Too stupid to realize that no one gives a crap!!!” She kicks at the painting ‘til is just shreds of canvas and bits of wood.

“That’s not true, Faith…”Buffy is cut off by Faith

“Oh, is this the part where you tell me you love me, B?” Faith sneers at her.

“ I… I do love you Faith” Buffy protests, a little upset at Faith.

“Oh, c’mon B. I’m not dumb. God, you really must think I’m dumb. Think I fell for your act? Shit, B, I see the torch you carry around for Fang. Size of the Arco Towers. I’m supposed to believe, really think, you fell for me? So. What? Did dead boy put you up to it, or was it your own idea?”

“FAITH” Buffy is getting really upset now.

Faith comes over, and shoves Buffy up against a wall. Holding her by the neck, she taunts her “ Well, B? Whose idea was it? His? Yours? That little seduction? That your idea? I must say Bravo, it was priceless. I almost…ALMOST…bought it. But I knew you didn’t love me. What? You love Fang Boy. Well, News Flash, B. Fang is so over you. He is all oogly googly over Cordelia now, it makes me wanna puke. So, dumb ass, you lose.”

Buffy brings her arms up, and breaks Faiths hold. She pushes her back. She is mad, really mad.

“ Is that what you think, Faith? I seduced you? That I don’t love you? THEN YOU'RE A DUMB BITCH. CAUSE I LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING I GOT!!!” She stops, trying to calm down. “ I love you so much, I can’t think. I can’t see straight. And you tell me I’m playing you??? Goddamn you Faith and your paranoia!” She advances on Faith, like she is ready to fight her.

“ Oh, my!” Faith sneers “ The ‘enraged lover’ act. Well, here is what I think of you and your love” Faith storms over to the easel that has Buffy’s nude on it. She picks it up, ready to smash it.

She tries, really tries to smash it. She raises it over her head, and starts to bring it down…and stops.

She looks at it. Her face briefly softens. Then it hardens again, and she raises it again… and stops. Her face changes. It looses its hard edge. It turns sad. Her eyes begin to shine with tears. She places the painting back on the easel, gently, almost reverently.

Her legs seem to give out from under her. She sits down hard on the floor. Her body starts to shake with sobs. Her voice is no longer cold and hard, it's full of longing and pain and despair

“What have you done to me? Goddamn you, what have you done to me? I HATE you, Buffy Summers” Faith sits, and starts to sob, her heart breaking.

Buffy slowly apchesches Faith. Faith sees her, and says “ No… goddamn you stay away from me. I hate you. Haven’t you hurt me enough?” Faith cries, trying to keep Buffy away

Buffy ignores her, kneels by her, and takes her into her arms. Faith tries to bat her away, lands a blow or two, but Buffy persists. Slowly Faith gives up, and clings to Buffy. Clings to the last thing she has.

“ I hate you, I hate you” But her voice is weakening. “ I hate you so much” Her voice cracks, and she cries “ I love you, goddamn you. Why? Why? What have you done to me?”

Faith dissolves into Buffy’s arms.

~~&~~&~~&~~&~~&~~&~~

And slowly, painfully, Faith tells Buffy everything

About the Program. The secret slayers. How Angel had approached her with the idea, and she had run with it. How she had put her heart, her soul, everything into it.

How she secretly saw it as her final redemption. Her way to do some good, to contribute. To make up for the evil she had done in the past.

How it had become her baby. And how, slowly, she saw it slipping away. About the changes in personnel and in policy. In training and goals.

How Angel became more and more remote from it, barely tolerating her calls and questions.

How all of a sudden, Cordelia was there. As liaison. To actually, it seems now, take over.

And she talked about Cordelia. How she had changed. Wasn’t the same. Wasn’t Cordelia…but someone, or something else.

And her fears. For what would be done with The Program, now that she was out. How it would be twisted, maybe perverted.

“He fired you? For what? I don’t get it” Buffy said

“Cause I tried to tell him about Cordelia, and he didn’t want to hear it, or believe it” Faith said “ He’s got a blind spot when it comes to her. Ever since she came back. He can’t see that she isn’t the same person”

“Angel… and Cordy?” Buffy is a bit put off by the idea. “ I mean, I guess it had to happen someday. But Cordy?” She can’t help getting an “ Ewwww” expression on her face. Faith looks at her, and almost chuckles.

“ Well, I did kinda get him back” Faith is embarrassed about telling Angel.

“Oh? How?” Buffy is a little puzzled

“ When we ended our little ‘meeting’ I told him I had someone at home waiting for me” Faith says, getting a little red in the face.“ So, he says ‘Your seeing someone?’ and I said ‘ Yeah’ and he said ‘ Anyone I know?’ and I said ‘ Yeah, I think so’ and he said ‘ Who?’,” here Faith hesitates… “ I said ‘ Buffy’”

Buffy raises a brow, but doesn’t say anything

“ You should have seen his face” Faith can’t help it , she chuckles a little bit. “ He looked….like someone hit him with a hammer”

“ So, you told him, then?” Buffy’s voice is low, neutral.

“ I shouldn’t have?” Faith is a little taken aback

Buffy starts to giggle. Then it builds into a laugh. Faith smiles a little… this is a good sign

“ I..I would have loved to have seen his face” Buffy is laughing hard now. “ it musta been priceless” She can’t help it, she starts to laugh harder. Faith joins her, getting relief from the stress and tension built up. They laugh themselves silly for awhile, then calm down.

“ I know, it’s hard to believe. All of it. Any of it. But B, I swear, it’s true. All of it” Faith is serious now

“ I know. I believe you Faith” Buffy says quietly

“ You do?” Faith is relieved. And …she can’t believe how much she needed Buffy to believe her.

“ I just wish you had told me sooner, Faith. I know you felt the need for secrecy, but I never would have told anyone about it. And I saw you hurting, but not telling me. I really was afraid you didn’t love me, Faith. It hurt. Bad.”

Faith hugs Buffy. She has no words to express her feelings. Then her eyes go wide as the impact of what she has done tonight hits her

“ Oh, God, B. What have I done?” She is devastated by her own destructive impulses.

“ Let’s say, Faith, I’m not really approving of your redecoration choices” Buffy quips. She then turns serious. “Worst thing is, Faith, you really scared me tonight. I haven’t seen you like this since you were working for the Mayor. I was really afraid for awhile that you’d hurt me, or I would have to hurt you. Again” Buffy closes her eyes, the pain of that memory evident. Every time she sees that scar on Faith, she has a twinge of guilt.

Faith sees her reaction, and comforts her

“B. Look. It took me a long time, and a lot of soul searching. But I realize now that you were doing what you thought you had to do. My …words earlier were to hurt you, they’re not what I believe. I was all evil at the time. I had caused the need for my blood. I won’t say it was easy, but I forgave you for that. Long time ago” Faith said

“Really?” Buffy asks.

“Really”

Buffy feels a small measure of guilt lift off her shoulders. But she will always carry some guilt about that night with her.

“Well, I guess it's good you didn’t redecorate upstairs.” Buffy said. “ You didn’t, did you?” She asks, a little afraid of what she might find up there.

“Uh, no. Didn’t make it up there” Faith replied, a little relieved

“ Good, at least we have somewhere to sleep. I think we need to go to bed, now. We need sleep. We have a lot of work ahead of us in the morning. Then we’re gonna have to figure out what to do from there”

“We?” Faith asks, with hope

“ We, honey. We’re in this together. We’re gonna have to find out what’s going on, get some evidence. And we probably are gonna have to bring in others. I don’t think we can do this alone.”

Faith doesn’t say anything. She just feels shame for anything she had thought about Buffy that evening. How she had cut her emotionally. She had a lot of making up to do.

Two very tired, very emotionally drained slayers headed upstairs for bed.
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What are we gonna do now?