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Leading by Example	By : JediPenguin Category: > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 2030 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Leading by Example
- 1
Title: Leading by Example

Author: Jedi Penguin

Timeline: Goes AU sometime after "Lies My Parents Told Me," but few specific spoilers. Spike and Buffy are now a happy little couple, battling the First side by side.

Summary: Giles tries to convince Buffy that actions speak louder than words, but it may already be too late.

Rating: R, for harsh language

Distribution: Want, take, have, let me know so I can gloat over the fact that somebody wanted and took.

Disclaimer: Joss doesn’t always treat his toys nicely, but he still owns them. I am just playing with the Scoobies, and do not expect to receive any remuneration of any kind. (In other words: don6;t 6;t sue.)

Warning: This is not a happy story. It is also deeply personal to me, so please don’t tell me that this doesn’t happen to teenagers. If you want to write with concrete criticisms of my writing style or characterizations, however, I am always willing to listen and anxious to learn.

As Buffy stalked down the halls of Sunnydale General, worry battled with annoyance as her primary emotion. Actually, annoyance was gaining in strength with every stride. What the hell was wrong with Dawn? What was she thinking? Buffy didn’t have time for this shit.

She finally pushed open the doors to the Intensive Care Unit, and immediately pounced on Giles and Xander. "I don’t suppose either of you could explain to me what Dawn is doing here, could you?" She didn’t even bother looking at her sister, wanting answers and explanations before she attempted to assess the damage.

Giles carefully extricated his hand from the unconscious girl’s grasp and turned to give Buffy a look of loathing. Xander completely ignored her, keeping his eyes on Dawn and continuing to stroke her hair absently. Still, it was Xander who spoke first. "Why don’t you two go to the waiting room to discuss this. I’ll stay here with Dawn."

Giles and Xander locked gazes for a moment, and some sort of silent communication passed between them. Buffy felt an unexpected flicker of jealousy as she remembered a time when she had been the one who had been so connected to Giles, but the feeling passed almost as quickly as it surfaced. She explained away the momentary pang by telling herself that she didn’t have time for those two to moon over each other. Before she could express her impatience, however, Giles gave a sharp nod and stood up. He gestured toward the door, and then strode through it without waiting for her.

They walked down the hallway in silence. The first family room they came to was filled, so by unspoken assent they kept walking down the hall until they found an empty one. They finally found an vacant room, full of comforting curves and soothing non-colors. The moment they both crossed the threshold, Buffy turned towards Giles with fire in her eyes. "The police told me that Dawn’s boyfriend beat her up. Now, I know that can’t be right, so why don’t you tell me what the hell actually did happen. And while you’re at it, you can explain to me why you permitted some hell spawn to get at my sister when you were supposed to be keeping an eye on her and all the potentials."

Giles’ emerald eyes were blazing with banked passions, but for the life of her, Buffy couldn’t say what those emotions might be. His voice was flat and uninflected, however, when he answered her. "There was no hell spawn; Dawn’s boyfriend did indeed beat her up. I would have stopped her from going out if I could have, but she snuck out the window in your room." He smiled humorlessly. "Your mum once admitted to me that she used to sneak out when she was a teen-ager. I wonder if all sixteen-year-old girls do that, or only Summers females."

Buffy stared at him blankly. None of that answer made any sense. Feeling stupid, she focused on the least likely element of Giles’ response. "Dawn doesn’t have a boyfriend."

Now it was Giles’ turn to stare at her. He was incredulous. "Of course she has a boyfriend! Do you ever patenttention to anything that doesn’t concern Spike?"

Buffy’s gaze narrowed; this was dangerous territory for them. "I suggest you leave Spike out of this discussion and tell me about this boy that hurt Dawn."

Giles ran his hands through his hair and began to pace. "Dawn has been seeing Christian for nearly three months, and—"

"Three months! Dawnie has had a boyfriend for three months?!?" Buffy grabbed Giles and glared at him accusingly. "How could I not know that?"

"I don’t know, Buffy," Giles said coldly. "Why don’t you tell me how that is possible. You are her legal guardian, and—in theory—should have some familiarity with her life. Dawn has made no effort to hide the fact that she had a boyfriend, though she has gone to great pains to conceal the fact that he has been abusing her."

Buffy looked murderous. "He has hit her before? And you knew about it? Why didn’t you tell me?"

"I saw her putting makeup on a bruised cheekbone a few weeks ago, and she begged me not to say anything. She promised me that she would break it off with him, and I thought she already had done so. As to why I didn’t tell you? You have made it abundantly clear—more than once—that I am not welcome in your personal life. You don’t value my opinions or my observations about Spike, Faith, or anyone else; why should Dawn be exempt from this policy? I saw no reason to break Dawn’s confidence just so you could ignore me."

"So, Dawn is in the hospital now because you didn’t want to shake her trust in you. ‘Cause you’re sooo trustworthy, aren’t you Giles?"

Giles glared at Buffy, but didn’t rise to the bait. He clamped his hand onto the back of his neck and resumed his pacing. The posture was heartbreakingly familiar, but Buffy ruthlessly forced down her nostalgia. It was Giles who had forced her to pick between him and Spike, and it wasn’t fair of her ex-Watcher to remind her of happier times. Even if he didn’t know that’s what he was doing... Buffy was yanked back to the present when Giles began speaking in brittle tones. "I gave you the clues that you needed to discover Dawn’s secret for yourself. I told you repeatedly that you needed to pay more attention to your sister, but you refused to listen to me. You told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about, and that I had better ‘butt out’ of Dawn’s life."

Buffy didn’t remember any of those conversations, but she wasn’t about to admit that to Giles. She tried to guess at what her reasoning must have been. "Dawn has been doing really well in sl, al, and has been staying out of trouble. My plate has been full with overseeing the potentials and refereeing between Faith and Spike; Dawn just didn’t seem like a squeaky wheel."

Giles grimaced when Buffy mentioned Spike, but he sounded mild when he asked, "And how, exactly, did you determine that?"

"What do you mean," Buffy demanded hotly. "I’m doing a good job with Dawn!"

"As witnessed by her presence in the next room," Giles observed nastily. Giles paused, seemingly shocked by that cruel comment, and Buffy expected him to apologize. He didn’t. "Exactly how much time have you spent with Dawn since Spike moved into your house?"

"I see her every damn day, which is more than I can say for Mr. Now-you-see-me-now-you-don’t."

Giles didn’t even flinch at her petty jibe. "Yes, you see her, after she is already asleep in bed. You are always careful to ensure that Dawn is fed and caught up on her homework, but you never do those things yourself. You don’t care for her. When was the last time you talked to Buf Buffy?"

"Hello? Hellmouth to Giles? I’ve been a little pre-occupied, with an upcoming apocalypse and all. You’re the one who keeps saying that I’ve got to remain focused on that, that I don’t have time for relationships."

Giles looked like he had been slapped. "I never meant to imply that you should ignore your friends and family, the people that you love. The ‘Scoobies’ have never been a distraction to you; they have helped you whenever you permitted them to do so! I simply meant that there wasn’t time to cultivate new relationships, ones that were likely to be casual in nature." He shook his head, and murmured softly, "It is not as if you have followed my advice in any case."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean," Buffy snapped.

"You don’t have any time to spend with Dawn, or Xander, or Willow, or ..." Giles trailed off, suddenly looking much older than his 48 years. The pain and exhaustion on his face vanished quickly and his eyes hardened. "Yet somehow, you always find plenty of time to deal with Spike and his sundry problems."

"You’re saying that I spend more time with Spike than my sister? That’s bullshit."

"Is it," Giles asked, eyes glittering dangerously. "Let’s test that theory. When was the last time Spike ate, Buffy?"

"I fed him last night, like I always do," Buffy said impatiently.

"As busy as you are, you take the time to personally feed Spike every night. When was the last time you, not Andrew, but you cooked dinner for Dawn?" Buffy glared balefully at Giles, but didn’t answer. It had been months, aney bey both knew it. "Okay then, when was the last time you simply took the time to eat with her?"

"I don’t have a lot of time to waste here, Giles." The better part of Buffy cringed at this unwarranted attack upon Giles, but it was too late to take it back. Besides, she didn’t want to admit that it had been over two weeks, though she suspected that Giles knew that too. "Just make your accusation and get it over with already!"

"Oh, I’m not going to make any accusations. I’m just going to ask a few questions, and you don’t even have to tell me the answers. All I ask is that you be honest with yourself." Giles said this carelessly, and Buffy was certain that he was setting her up in some way. "You knew nothing about Christian, but perhaps you are caught up on the rest of Dawn’s life. Name three of her seven classes."

Buffy didn’t have a clue what classes her sister was taking this quarter, though she did know that Dawn was doing well in all of them. What had she taken in her sophomore year? "English, math, and history."

"The specifics, Buffy," Giles demanded acerbically. "American lit, British lit, or Creative Writing? Algebra, geometry, trigonometry, or calculus? World his—"

"Okay! I get it, Giles! And you’re right, I don’t know what classes she is taking at the moment. But I keep up with the important stuff!"

"Like what? What is her favorite class? What is her favorite book? What was the topic of her latest term paper in school? Who is her best friend?"

Buffy ignored the first three questions, and focused on the one that she could answer with some degree of confidence. "Her best friend is Janice."

"It’s Melinda. Dawn and Janice got in a terrible fight several weeks ago, and haven’t spoken to each other in quite some time. I was present when Dawn told you this, and I suspected at the time that you weren’t paying attention. But moving on: What—"

"Okay, you got me," Buffy admitted grudgingly. "I don’t know any of those things. Like I said, I’ve been busy lately. As much as I love Dawn, saving the world has to come first."

"I agree," Giles said mildly. "But do your Slayer responsibilities take precedence over Spike?"

"I suggest that you consider your next words very carefully, Giles," Buffy warned. "In fact, you’d be wiser to get off of Spike altogether. I know that we have to work together, but I still haven’t forgiven you for conspiring against me with Wood."

"Damnit, Buffy," Giles snapped. "I did not ‘conspire against you’! I was trying to make your life easier, removing one of the tough decisions from your shoulders."

"Yeah, like my life would be so much easier with Spike out of it. That was never your call to make." Buffy shook her head in frustration. "It doesn’t matter anyway. My relationship with Spike has absolutely nothing to do with Dawn."

"It has everything to do with Dawn," Giles snapped.

The emotional marathon man had finally reached the finish line, because he seemed angrier than Buffy had ever seen before. The depths of his rage frightened her a little, but Buffy was determined not to show Giles this. Her fear made Buffy even more defensive than she would have been normally. "And how the hell did you come to that conclusion?"

"Buffy," Giles said with his quiet rage, "Dawn looks up to you. Do you even care?"

"Of course I care! Which is why I would never have approved of her going out with an mean ole poop-head ... if anybody had bothered to keep me informed."

Even Buffy could admit to herself that the last part was not deserved. Luckily, Giles ignored it. "What does it matter what you say if all of your actions are telling her that it is acceptable to be with someone who abuses her? She models her behavior after yours. Do you have any idea how much your actions affect her?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Buffy huffed.

"Don’t you," Giles asked mildly. "Let’s look at the examples you have set for Dawn over the years. How many times have you and Angel engaged in fisticuffs?"

Angel? Buffy had no idea where Giles was going with this. "What do you mean?"

Giles spoke slowly, carefully enunciating each word, unconsciously stressing his contempt for Buffy’s intelligence. "How. many. times. have. you. and. Angel. struck. each. other?"

"I don’t know! I kinda had other things on my mind after he turned," Buffy said sarcastically. "I didn’t think to keep count."

"I’m not talking about Angelus, Buffy." Giles spoke quietly, but Buffy did not mistake his lack of volume for lack of passion. A wrong answer on her part would deliver the coup de grace to their already damaged relationship, but Buffy still had no idea where Giles was going with this. "I want to know how much damage Angel inflicted upon you over the years." Buffy’s eyes flashed, but he didn’t give her a chance to respond. "I know that you two fought when you first discovered that he was a vampire and again when you chased Faith to Los Angeles. Dawn knows this too. How many other times did you and Angel come to blows?"

"Are you suggesting that Angel and I beat each other up on a regular basis?" Buffy couldn’t believe that Giles would think such a thing! "Angel and I loved each other! And the times that we fought--- thwerewere just—um—they didn’t mean anything. Not really..." Buffy knew that that hadn’t been the strong comeback that she would have hoped for, but she couldn’t think of anything better at the moment. Truthfully, she didn’t know why they used their fists to resolve fights so often. She did know that she was always threw the first punch, but that didn’t explain why she did it or why he let her.

"They didn’t mean anything," Giles repeated flatly. "And what did it mean when he damn near killed you?"

"Giles, he was sick! He needed my blood, and I’m not going to apologize for giving it to him!"

"He needed your blood," Giles repeated again. "Did he need to come so close to draining you? Most blood rituals require only trace amounts, but you needed four pints of blood just to regain consciousness ... even with your Slayer healing! He didn’t even drink it all; when I went by the mansion to discuss the matter with him I noticed a very large bloodstain on his floor. Your blood spilled upon the floor, like it was water and not even worthy of being cleaned up. Is this truly the act of someone who loves you?"

Buffy was getting angry again. "Of course he loved me! He didn’t want to do it; I made him! He never would have bitten me if I hadn’t brought his demon out. It’s not fair to blame him. It was totally my fault that he almost killed me."

Giles gaped at her in disbelief. "Are you even listening to yourself, Buffy? You sound like every abused woman who has ever refused to walk away from her abuser."

Buffy’s mouth opened and closed like a fish, but she was too angry to form a coherent response. She knew, she knew that Giles was wrong about her and Angel, but she just didn’t have the words to prove it. It wasn’t because he was right, no it was simply because Giles was a better debater than she was. She knew it. She did.

Giles politely waited for her to respond to his accusation. He shrugged when she failed to say anything. "But enough about Saint Angel. Let’s talk about Riley."

"What about Riley?" Buffy was honestly puzzled by this shift.

"When did things start to disintegrate between you two?’

Giles wore a patient look, letting Buffy know that he was setting her up in some way, but once again she had no idea where he was going with this line of inquiry. "When my mom got sick and the Hellbitch showed up. You know that."

"Do I," Giles asked mildly. "Are you sure it isn’t when you asked me to be your Watcher again and I asked you to stop sparring with him?"

How had Riley reacted to that? She couldn’t remember. "Why would that have anything to do with our relationship," she asked in confusion.

Giles responded with a question of his own. "Why did you spar with him at all? You got absolutely nothing out of the exercise. He knew far fewer fighting techniques than you did (unless you count the ability to shock demons with high-tech weapons) and lacked the physical strength to really give you a good workout. Sparring with Riley was bad for you on so many levels: so why did you do it?"

Buffy was starting to get annoyed by Giles’ relentless questions, but for some reason she didn’t leave. Partly because she wanted to know where he was going with this, but mostly because she didn’t feel like dealing with Dawn yet. "I don’t know. ‘Cause Riley liked it, I guess."

"You fought with your boyfriend because he liked it. And did you ever let him win? Judging by the bad habits I noticed when we began training again, you must have."

"Well, yeah," Buffy admitted reluctantly. Every time she let Riley win it had been a type of lie, and she still felt badly about that. "I just wanted him to feel better about himself. It bothered him that I was so much stronger than him..."

When Buffy trailed out, Giles pounced. "So, you permitted your boyfriend to pummel you because it bolstered his ego?"

Buffy was stunned by that conclusion. "It wasn’t like that," she protested heatedly.

"Perhaps not," Giles responded quietly, and with the first bit of sympathy that he had shown her throughout their entire conversation. "But that is what Dawn saw." Giles drew a deep breath and closed his eyes. Buffy knew that she wouldn’t like whatever came next. "And so it comes back to Spike. As it always comes back to Spike. Tell me Buffy, what does Dawn see in your relationship with him?"

Buffy narrowed her eyes, a silent warning to Giles that he had damn well better watch his step in this area. "She sees two people who love each other very much. She sees what it is like to have someone who will watch your back, always."

Giles’ eyes flashed. "Don’t you mean someone who doesn’t give a flying fuck about another living soul because he is completely obsessed by you? Who always agrees with you, whether it is in your best interests or not? Who--" Buffy started to leave, but Giles grabbed her arm to stop her. When she glared at him, Giles shook his head in apology, or perhaps in frustration. "Forget I said that; we’re getting off track. I’m sorry. I want to talk about your sister, not you. What I should have asked you is, what did Dawn learn from watching your past relationship with Spike? Buffy, he tried to kill you numerous times. He stalked you. He stole your clothing and built a shrine to you. Hell, he even built a sex toy in your image! He kidnapped you and chained you up for hours. And how did you respond to all these serial-killer type behaviors? You slept with him!"

"Giles," Buffy responded hotly, "he didn’t have a soul then! It makes a difference."

"Perhaps," he answered indifferently. "I’m not convinced of that. It doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t have a soul when you first became intimate. What did Dawn learn about relationships in those months when you were having sex with a soulless monster?"

"Uh—" Giles waited patiently for her to finish, but Buffy didn’t know what to say. She still didn’t know what to think about those months of gloriously awful sex with Spike, those strange months when neither of them seemed to have a soul and they used each other shamefully. They had formed a connection then, one that had led them to their current happiness, but they never spoke of that time. It colored every aspect of their relationship now, but it was taboo, and Buffy tried very hard to never think of it. With her strong Summers denial genes she was quite skilled at blocking those black months from her mind, but Giles had just stripped away her armor. It was ugly, uglier than Giles would ever know, and even she was incapable of promoting the idea that she had been in a healthy relationship then.

After a minute or two it became clear that Buffy wasn’t going to answer. Giles shrugged, and then continued. "Dawn seems to be under the impression that you and Spike physically abused each other. Is this true?"

"Where would she get an idea like that," Buffy asked evasively.

Giles stared at her thoughtfully for a moment, and Buffy knew that she had just given him far more information than she had intended. He didn’t follow up on that, however, but simply answered her question. "She said that you seemed to acquire a great deal more injuries than normal during that time period, though none of them seemed life-threatening. She thought at the time that your depression was simply making you careless on patrol. Later, however, she remembered that Spike was banged up far more often than not during the same time period, and concluded that you two were inflicting those wounds upon each other. Was she correct?" Buffy nodded, but didn’t say anything, so Giles continued. "What I never understood, however, is how she learned that Spike’s chip didn’t work on you."

"Xander told her th—" Buffy abruptly stopped, appalled that she had almost said the word. The word that she would never, could never say. The word that would destroy her happiness and make a mockery of her life. The word that didn’t even exist anyway.

Giles looked curious. He didn’t know that this was a forbidden subject, a never-to-be-spoken-of, never-to-be-thought-about subject that had the ability to obliterate Buffy’s world. She willed him not to say anything, but of course that didn’t work. He was curious now, and he was going to ask, "Xander told her what?"

Itneverhappeneditneverhappeneditneverhappened "Nothing." Her heart began pounding in terror, and she savagely beat down her fight or flee instinct. "Xander didn’t tell her anything, because there is nothing to tell." And there wasn’t. Because it never happened. It didn’t.

He was watching her carefully now. "I see," Giles said softly.

And somehow, Buffy knew that he did. He was seeing many things in her, things that Buffy didn’t want him to see. He understood them as well, understanding things about Buffy that she didn’t understand about herself. Things that she didn’t want to understand about herself. She couldn’t take it any longer. "Are we done here? ‘Cause I really need to check on Dawn."

A few years ago, Giles would have given her a kind smile at this point. Now, he just looked at her coldly and said, "Yes, you do."

Buffy was grateful that she finally had the chance to escape, but when she reached the door, she realized that they weren’t done. She turned back towards Giles, and found that he was still watching her, still seeing her, still understanding her. She hated it. But she had to know. "Can’t say as I enjoyed our little stroll down Memory Lane. Was there ever a point to it?"

Giles stared at her incredulously. "Buffy, don’t you understand yet that your actions affect Dawn? Xander and I can tell her until we are blue in the face that real men don’t hit women; Anya can regale her forever with tales of the atrocities she has committed against abusive men; Faith can promote her ‘use ‘em and lose ‘em’ philosophy and Willow can drone endlessly about female empowerment ... but none of it means a damn thing if you are continually telling her the exact opposite. You are the only family that she has in her life now—actually, considering her mystical origins, you are the only member of her family that she has ever met outside of the monks’ memories—and you will always have more impact upon her than the rest of us combined. It may have been Christian that beat her, but you are the one that put Dawn in the hospital."

That brought her back into the room, and right into Giles’ face. "How can you sayt? It? I sure as hell didn’t tell her to go out and date some abusive jerk!"

Giles met her anger and surpassed it. "You sure as hell did! Maybe you’ve never said it in words, but your actions have been screaming it for years. When you were with Angel, you taught her that violence against women was excusable if the woman ‘drove him to it.’ Your relationship with Riley taught her that men need to feel in control in order to feel like men, and that it was acceptable for them to beat women to achieve this. And as for what she has learned from watching you and Spike..." Giles faltered, and then finished lamely, "Well, I guess you would know better than I what she might be learning there."

It was unlike Giles to pass up an opportunity to hammer home a point, and Buffy thought she knew why he did it. If he had criticized her relationship with Spike, she would have automatically gone on the defensive. Now that he was silent, her mind was flooded with pictures of all of the things that he could have said. Images of badness. The two of them struggling for dominance while fucking like animals, knocking a building down in the process. Spike tearing down her self-confidence, telling her that she wasn’t good enough for her friends, while he pushed into her from behind in a public place. Spike coming to her work place, demanding a quickie and taking her against a dumpster. Herself, going to his crypt and demanding quickies of her own. His dispassionate curiosity when he asked if she even liked him and his unconcern when he realized that she didn’t. Watching Spike thrust into her friend on the table in the Magic Box. Coming out of the shower, battered and bruised from a bad patrol, only to see-- Nothing. Because there had been nothing to see.

That last image yanked Buffy out of her reverie. She narrowed her gaze, and asked herself the real reason why Giles gave up a chance to badmouth her boyfriend. Was it really out of a sense of delicacy, or was it because he wasn’t altogether certain about the nature of her early relationship with Spike? Or was it because he didn’t want to know the detaiHe mHe might understand it better than she did herself, he m jud judge her for it, but he didn’t want the details. Buffy was grateful for this, because she really didn’t want him to have them. She may have effectively thrown him out of her life when she chose Spike over him, but she still craved his approval. Or at least, wanted to avoid his active disgust ... which she would have if he knew just how violent her early relationship with Spike had been. This was all beside the point anyway. "So I’m not a good example for Dawn. What ever happened to ‘do as I say, not as I do’?" Giles raised an eyebrow at her, and Buffy realized just how stupid that sounded. "Okay, you’re right; that never works. I’ll just tell her that she can’t see this jerk again. Problem solved."

"Problem solved?" Giles stared at Buffy like she had six heads. "If you do that she’ll be the next bus out of Sunnydale. Before you know it, she’ll be in Phoenix, working as a waitress and wearing a nametag that says ‘Marie.’ Why do you think your mother never forbade you to see Angel?"

Oh God. Was that what Mom had thought, that she would have split again if her mom hadn’t supported her relationship with Angel? Would she have actually done that? Buffy shook her head, trying to ignore the small voice in her mind that assured her that she would have done it in a heartbeat, abandoned her friends and family without thinking twice about it if they had tried to keep her away from Angel. Below this treacherous voice was the tiniest of whispers, murmuring the unwelcome truth that she had done just that in the past few months for the sake of another vampire. Oh, she stayed in Sunnydale physically, but emotionally? She had run as far and fast as she could from every person that she loved. Every person but Spike.

In a way, Buffy was glad of these voices. They made her angry again, strong again, (defensive again, the voices whispered). She glared at Giles, and defied him to withstand her furious gaze. He did, and this shook Buffy. "What do you want me to do then, Giles? I’m not her parent, though everyone keeps shoving me into that role." Buffy’s anger abruptly deflated and she looked down at her feet. She felt small and pathetic, as she quietly breathed, "I’m not Mom, no matter how hard I try to be."

"No, you most certainly are not." Buffy whipped her head back up at the coldness in Giles’ voice. "Joyce walked away from an unhappy marriage filled with material wealth and extensive social contacts. She could have stayed married to your father, could have continued to take his verbal abuse and emotional distance; all she had to do was spend his money and keep her mouth shut about his affairs. She didn’t do it, and you were the reason. She didn’t want you to enter adulthood thinking that it was acceptable for a man to treat his partner as a possession. More than that, she didn’t want to define herself as ‘Hank’s wife’ because she didn’t want you to ever believe that you needed a man in order to be yourself." Giles shook his head in disgust, and Buffy bit back a cry of pain. "Buffy, I look at how you havemittmitted Spike to control all aspects of your life, and all I can think ist yot your mother would be very disappointed."

"Fuck you, Giles! Just, just ... fuck you!" Despite the words, Buffy wasn’t angry. She was devastated. This is what he thought of her now? She knew that things were bad between them, and in some small part of her heart she knew that it was entirely her fault, but she couldn’t believe that she had let things get this bad. That she had made things this bad. "I don’t let Spike define me; you don’t know what you’re talking about."

Giles’ response was so quiet that she barely heard it. She wouldn’t have heard it, in fact, if it hadn’t been for her enhanced Slayer hearing. "Don’t I? I have allowed you to define me from the day I met you. I can recognize the signs." There was no doubt in her mind that Giles knew that she had heard that. He had only whispered in order to give her the freedom to ignore him if she so chose. She did.

Buffy walked out of the room without another word and headed back towards Dawn’s room. She wasn’t stalking this time, but retreating. Running away from Giles and his contemptuous anger, and moving towards ... what? A broken sister hooked up to life support and another scornful ex-friend? Two angry people who would do nothing but make momotimotional demands upon her.

To hell with them. She needed Spike. Spike never asked for anything other than her love and her body. She didn’t need to be the bestest Buffy she could be when she was with Spike; he didn’t care whether she was a hero or not. Sometimes he asked for cash or a carton of cigarettes, but he never demanded to see the finer side of her nature. His love was conditional, true, but she didn’t have to work too hard to meet those conditions. As long as she told him that she believed in him, had sex with him, and kept him well supplied with blood, he was happy. It was a low-maintenance relationship, one that didn’t take too much out of her. And Spike would never, never leave. She was the center of his undead universe, and his only reason for existing. No matter what she did, she couldn’t mess up this thing with Spike, and that simple fact meant that she could no longer afford to mess it up. If she had to give up her other relationships in order to keep Spike happy, then so be it.

As Buffy ruminated about Spike, she realizedt sht she really didn’t feel up to dealing with Dawn right now, not after that exhausting confrontation with Giles. She would talk to Dawn’s doctor, get a full update, and then go home. She’d come back to the hospital tonight, when Spike could come with her to provide her with emotional support.

She started to turn around when suddenly a blue light outside of Dawn’s room began to flash, and she heard Xander’s voice bellowing from within. "Help! You’ve got to help her!" A doctor ran into the room, then another, then a whole herd of them.

Buffy didn’t have the strength to move the rest of the way to her sister’s room, to see for herself what was going on. All she could do was stand there and listen to the terrifying sounds of frustrated doctors all yelling medical-ese at each other.

"We’re losing her!"

"No, we’re not! Come on, sweetheart. Come on, you can do it. Your friend here tells me that you’re a fighter."

All she could do was stand there and wonder if Giles was correct. Did she put Dawn in danger, not through neglect but through the examples she set for her?

"We’re going to have to intubate her."

"Let the ER know that we’re coming up there. Stat!"

All she could do was stand there and know that whether Dawn lived or not, nobody would forgive her for this. Nobody but Spike. Her choices had just cost her every person that she loved.

"Come on, Dawn, come on! That’s a girl, come on!"

At least Spike still loved her. Spike would always love her.

"SHIT! Get the paddles! Now, God damnit!"

Buffy wondered why las last thought wasn’t as comforting as it had been an hour ago.

THE END
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Leading by Example