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Complicated Grief	By : PencilNeck Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female Views: 3194 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Shock
- 2-Denial
- 3-Bargaining
- 4-Guilt
- 5-Anger
- 6-Depression
- 7-Hope
- 1
- 2
Chapter 1: Shock

“It’s not enough.”

Buffy flops onto the bed. Looks back at Satsu with sad eyes.

“Everybody says that.” Buffy sighs. “Why does everybody say that?”

“My guess? The same reason I’m saying it now.” Satsu won’t sit on the bed. Sitting leads to lying down. Which leads to nakedness and tricky athletic positions. So Satsu will stand. “It’s like I’m so close to everything I’ve ever wanted, and I still can’t have it.”

“There’s been a lot of having! Me having you, you having me…” Buffy rolls onto her stomach. “…and there’s been having at the same time... I’m all for the having.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it!” Satsu rolls her eyes.

“I know. It’s the, ‘I’m so distant and I don’t share what I’m thinking and I put everything on myself, blah blah blah, I’m such a horrible selfish person’ thing, right?”

“Take out the ‘horrible’ and you’ve got it.” Satsu looks at Buffy, right in the eye.

“I notice you’re not protesting the whole ‘selfish’ part too much.” Buffy watches a strand of Satsu’s hair fall out of her carefully constructed bun. It’s blue. Pretty.

“And I notice you’re not protesting the whole ‘me dumping you’ part too much.” Satsu flicks the piece of hair back behind her ear.

“I noticed that too.” Buffy frowns her thinking frown. “Wonder why that is?”

“Because you don’t love me, Buffy.” Satsu is very brave. She sits on the bed. “And if you don’t love me by now, you probably won’t.”

“It’s only been a month!” Buffy lets her frustration out. “I’ve had lip gloss longer than that and not known if I even liked it! How am I supposed to know anything after one measly month?”

“I can’t answer that. I just know that I can’t do this anymore.” Satsu takes Buffy’s hand. “I love you, Buffy. And I want… so many things. Things I know I can’t ask for, and won’t ever get. So, instead of killing myself trying to make you see that you could love me back? I’m gonna let you go.”

“But… What if I just need…” Buffy’s chin starts the trembling. It soon moves up to her lower lip. As the tears come tumbling down her cheeks, Buffy chokes out the last word. “…time?”

“Then we’ll see.” Satsu knows the tears aren’t for her. That it’s not about Buffy losing her. It’s just about losing. “I’m not going anywhere.” She stands up and makes her way to the door.

“I thought you weren’t going anywhere?” Buffy panics, jumping up and rushing over.

“I meant in general, silly.” Satsu brushes the tears from Buffy’s face. Her hand continues its caress. Her thumb trailing across Buffy’s throat as her hand reaches the collarbone. She hears Buffy sigh.

Buffy leans into Satsu’s body, pushing them both up against the door. Feels the familiar curves that fit so nicely against hers. She slips her hands under Satsu’s kitty-cat tank top, searching for skin. “What does this mean? That I want… to touch you?”

“I don’t… Ahhh…” Satsu feels Buffy’s hand slide down her back. And down. And down-er. Grabbing and kneading and pulling her closer. “…think… Mmmm…”

“Don’t go.” Buffy murmurs into Satsu’s ear. Nibbling with teeth and teasing with tongue. “Please?”

“You’re making this… Hnungh!” Satsu grunts as Buffy easily glides a hand across her stomach and down between her skin and her boy shorts. “…h-harder…”

“Making what harder?” Buffy uses her fingers. Finds what she’s looking for. “This?” Starts slow circular strokes. “I thought that was the whole point?”

Satsu wraps her arms around Buffy’s neck before her knees buckle. “Wha… ungh… Whhhh…” No more talking for Satsu.

Buffy closes her eyes. Feels her fingers swimming in a new rush of slippery wetness. Her other hand moves up to Satsu’s back, holding her steady.

Buffy’s fingers increase their speed, pressing down harder. Satsu’s breathy display of vowel sounds tickles Buffy’s ear.

Satsu feels her body tense. Her arms tighten around Buffy’s neck. Her legs shake and her knees give in. Her groan turns into a muted squeak. And then it’s all fuzzy and warm.

Buffy holds her tight. Gently takes her hand away. Brings it up to her lips, and starts to suck each finger carefully clean. Satsu takes Buffy’s hand with her shaky one.

“Y-you cut your nails…” She licks the tip of Buffy’s index finger.

“Yeah.” Buffy pouts. “You asked me to.” She leans in for a deep kiss. Satsu tastes herself on Buffy’s lips and tongue. Her hand catches the hair at Buffy’s neck and she grasps it hard. Pulling her closer. Always trying to get closer.

“Please don’t leave me?” Buffy moans it into Satsu’s mouth. “I need you.”

Three words. The wrong words.

Satsu pulls out of the kiss. Teary eyed and still trembling, she pulls away. Satsu is very brave. She takes a moment to know that.

“No. You don’t.” She adjusts her clothes. Slides over to open the door. Doesn’t share the hurt in her eyes. “You just don’t want to be alone.”

“Satsu?” Buffy looks confused. There was kissing…

And now we’re back to crying and leaving? Buffy’s panic returns.

“I think… maybe I could… someday...”

It’s not enough.

Buffy’s words hit the door and fall to the ground.

*****

“We got a hit!” Xander points at the screen with triumph.

It’s blurry. A bank machine security cam. But it’s definitely her.

“She was using a stolen card. The local cops are after her for armed robbery and a bunch of assaults.”

“Where is she now?” Buffy peers at the screen. Looking for clues.

“Germany.” Xander presses some buttons. The screen changes to a satellite picture of the country. The computer zooms in, and Buffy can see a birds-eye of the downtown business district of Frankfurt. “So we send a retrieval team?”

Buffy shakes her head.

“No. She’s too dangerous. And she’s my problem.” Buffy turns away from the computer display. “I’ll go.”

“Buff… She’s got a gang. And guns.” Xander looks at her with worry. “Guns! She’s not gonna…”

“I want to talk to her.” Buffy looks determined. “Maybe I can get her to stop. Come back with me.”

“Right. You’ll talk to the crazy, trigger-happy slayer… And then she’ll shoot you dead.” Xander tries to use logic. “You need back-up. Take Rona… or Satsu…”

“Satsu’s not… I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Buffy looks away. Back to the screen. The top of a pink mohawk-ed head, half covered by a dark hooded sweatshirt.

“Look. If I go after Simone’s gang with a gang of my own, it’s only gonna end up one way. Big brawl. Dead girls.” Buffy looks back at Xander, half pleading and half commanding. The commanding wins out. “I’m going alone.”

“Not so much, actually.” Xander smiles. “Makes me feel better about the next piece of news.” He takes a breath. “We’re pretty sure that, um… Faith… is tracking Simone already.”

“And this is good news how?” Buffy looks at him all squinty.

“She can watch your back, for starters.”

“Yeah, and for dessert she can stab my front.” Buffy snorts. “Remember the enthusiastic baptism she gave me at our last revival?”

“I know you two have your… lusty hatred thing going. But Giles…” Xander stops cold at Buffy’s look.

“We’re not going to talk about Giles.” Buffy spits it out. “Or Faith.”

“So you’re going to Germany with no back up. Face down a gang of insane-o bank-robbing super-girls, and you’re gonna do it all while hiding from Faith?”

“Who said anything about hiding?” Buffy turns to go. “Get me a ticket for tomorrow morning. I’ll find Simone and I’ll take care of it.” She stops her exit. Turns back.

“And if Faith wants to get in my way? I’ll take care of her too.” And Buffy stomps off.

Xander stares at her back, shaking his head.

*****

Buffy drags her suitcase past the frightening looking customs agents. It never fails. Even though she’s doing nothing wrong, she always feels guilty when she passes these guys. It’s like driving with a cop behind you. Creepy and bad.

She feels grimy. The quick bathroom check she’d done earlier confirmed the flat hair and the wrinkled clothes. Ah well. Nobody to impress anyway.

She follows the herd of passengers out the automatic doors. Slides her carry-on bag around to her back, trying to weave herself and her suitcase through the groups of people that inevitably stop right in her path. People shouting out their hello’s as they recognize friends, family… lovers.

With a sigh, Buffy nears the end of the gauntlet. Counts the tiles on the floor ahead. Won’t see the happiness that surrounds her.

She gets a feeling… It’s the middle of the day. There can’t be vampi…

She wouldn’t dare…

Buffy looks up. The first thing she sees is a hastily made sign. A big red heart with a giant ‘B’ in black, dead centre. And there’s an arrow through it? Nope. Not an arrow.

She looks past the sign. And there she is. Grinning in all her ‘I’m-so-hot-and-you-look-like-crap’ glory.

“Hey lover! I missed ya!” Faith bounds over the barricade. She drops the sign and grabs Buffy up in a too-tight hug. She growls quietly into Buffy’s ear. “Play along, B. We’re being watched.”

Buffy wraps her arms around Faith, squeezing with all her strength. Flashes her teeth in a wide, vicious smile. “Baby!” She says it loud enough for people to turn and watch. Pressing her mouth against Faith’s ear, she whispers. “One reason. Right now. Why I shouldn’t keep squeezing ‘till you burst.”

“Top of my head? How ‘bout… giant crowd of witnesses?” Faith hisses back. Buffy’s arms reluctantly loosen their hold. Faith takes a quick breath, refilling her lungs. For a moment she looks relieved. Then the cocky grin returns to her face.

“C’mon, girlfriend.” She takes the handle of Buffy’s suitcase and starts moving.

Buffy doesn’t follow. She clears her throat in an audible “A-HEM?!”

Faith turns back, brows arched.

“Aw… I’m sorry, honey!” Faith says this very loudly. She drops the handle, and takes back the few steps she’s made.

Before Buffy can reason. Before she can react. Faith presses one hand behind her back, the other at the base of her neck. And plants her lips against Buffy’s in a deep, penetrating kiss.

Buffy doesn’t hear the crowd clapping and whistling. She doesn’t hear the low, offended tones of disgust. She doesn’t see the children pointing or the leers from the teenaged boys.

All she can see is red. All she can hear is blood pumping in her ears. She assumes it’s from rage. She has to stop this. Before she loses control and… beats Faith to death.

Buffy puts her hands on Faith’s shoulders. Pulls her mouth away. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Making a scene.” Faith leans in again. “I’ll explain later.”

Buffy pushes her back, gently. She can’t afford to give the game away. Not until she knows the rules.

“Your tongue was in my mouth. Please, explain that!” She says it through her teeth.

“You noticed that, huh?” Faith looks a little sheepish. It doesn’t last.

Playing to the crowd, Faith grabs Buffy’s hand. Starts using her stage voice. “Now, come on. Let’s get you home. So I can give you a real nice welcome.” She scoops up Buffy’s luggage with her free hand.

This time Buffy does what she'd told.

“So? What the hell are you doing here? What’s with the peepshow?” Buffy says it low. Smile fixed firmly on her face. “How did you even know I was coming?”

“Two words, B. Passenger manifest.” Faith is smiling too, but her’s looks a little more genuine. “G-Man saw your name and practically popped a blood vessel.” She slows her pace, and then stops. Turns to face Buffy.

“And to answer your first question...” Faith bends towards her a little. “I’m here to make sure you don’t get dead.”

“By who?” Buffy rolls her eyes. “That scary gang of bankers? The little old lady and her three grandkids? Cos really, I’m looking around and I’m only seeing one killer here.” She looks pointedly at Faith.

“Then you’re not looking hard enough.” Faith ignores it. Doesn’t miss a beat. “Dude upstairs in the sunglasses. Guy at the shoeshine booth. Chick drinking her latte at the pay phones.”

“Oooh! Is there a guy in a trench coat hiding behind a newspaper too?” Buffy releases herself from Faith’s grip. She steals her suitcase back and starts to walk away. “You think that little stunt back there’s gonna…”

“Buffy, you’re a target! I was making sure that everyone saw us. Remembered us.” Faith grabs her by the arm.

“You honestly think I’m going to believe…” Buffy doesn’t see Faith’s eyes widen.

“You don’t believe me? Fine. Believe them.” She spins Buffy around.

Three people are carefully closing in on them. Sunglasses guy is moving toward the top of the escalators. Shoeshine’s coming up straight ahead, and Latte is cutting off their exit through the parking lot.

“Oh.” Buffy gets into a defensive position.

“What the hell are you doing? We can’t fight! We gotta lose ‘em!” Faith grabs her and starts dragging her toward the only option left. Food court.

Buffy catches the handle of her suitcase and tries to keep up. Faith looks back at her with frustration.

“Ditch the bag, Blondie!” Faith tugs on her arm.

“But, my clothes! My shoes!” Buffy attempts to speed up, and the bag veers left and topples over.

“Drop the frickin’ suitcase, B. I’m not risking my neck for your sweater sets!” Faith inches away, looking over Buffy’s shoulder at the three figures closing in.

Buffy takes a long look. Thinks wistfully of her Cavalli shoes and her pretty Galliano dress.

“Buffy!” Faith doesn’t let go of her hand. “We gotta motor!”

Buffy looks up. Flicks her eyes from the bag, to the bad guys, to Faith. Makes her choice.

“Let’s go.”

And the two girls hustle their way through the hungry crowd.
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Complicated Grief