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Blue and Yellow Purple- Actually Just Blue- Pills	By : Cyberwulf Category: BtVS Crossovers > Misc - Slash - Male/Male Views: 2996 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Blue and Yellow Purple – Well, Actually Just Blue – Pills

By Cyberwulf

Rated 18s (NC-17) for adult humour

Spoilers: Set in Season Four, when Spike is living with Giles.

Summary: Giles unwisely lets Spike make the tea, and ends up with more than just a stiff upper lip. Giles fans, please don’t be offended – I love Rupert as much as you do. But this story wouldn’t be half as funny if it had happened to anyone else. And I promise it all works out in the end.

Disclaimer: The only elements of this story that are mine are: the plot, three nurses, two vampires and two demons. Everything else belongs to Joss Whedon, Bill Lawrence, the creators of ER, and System of a Down.

Author’s note: This incident was first mentioned in my fic Spike Up Your Night.

WARNING: This story is CRUDE, PUERILE AND VERY LOW BROW. So if that’s not your cup of tea, best to leave now. Oh, and I don’t think I have to tell you all that you should NEVER EVER slip anyone any kind of drug – over-the-counter, prescription or illegal – without their knowledge, and that this fic is intended only to entertain, do I?

Giles’ key turned in the lock of the apartment.

“ Shit!”

Spike closed the Ziploc bag, slipped it into his pocket, brushed the last traces of powder off the kitchen counter, and vaulted onto the couch. He picked up a magazine and was flipping nonchalantly through it when Giles walked in.

“ Evening, dear,” Spike greeted. Giles glared at him, then gazed ar the the apartment.

“ This place looks suspiciously tidy,” he remarked warily.

“ Weell, I’ve been thinking,” Spike replied. “ And you’re right. Now that I’m living here, I should pitch in around the flat.”

“ Hmm.” Giles walked over to his desk and sat down. “ Well, I, I appreciate it, Spike...”

“ You’re welcome,” Spike replied cheerfully.

“ Does this mean you’re going to stop whinging about being bored?” Giles asked.

“ Don’t worry, Rupe,” Spike answered. “ I’ve thought of a great new way to entertain myself.”

“ Spike, if you’ve hooked up that illegal television cable again –”

“ Settle down,” Spike declared. “ If you don’t want to break the law, that’s fine, I respect that.” He got up. “ Fancy a cup of tea?”

“ Er, yes, that’d be nice,” Giles replied, bewildered. Spike sauntered into the kitchen and put the kettle on. He glanced over at Giles. The Watcher was immersed in some ancient volume of demon lore. The kettle whistled. Spike poured hot water into Giles’ mug. Carefully, he eased the Ziploc out of his pocket. He opened it and quickly tipped the contents into the mug.

“ ’Ere you go,” Spike said, placing the mug of tea on Giles’ desk.

“Thank you,” Giles acknowledged. He picked it up and sipped it slowly.

Spike sat back on the couch and switched on the television.

Giles drained the last of the tea. Spike made a decent cuppa, he had to admit. Apart from the slightly gritty aftertaste. He got up and put the mug back in the kitchen.

Spike looked up as Giles walked back to his desk. He grinned and switched on MTV.

“ Blimey,” he murmured as a particularly raunchy video came on. “ How do they get away with wearing clothes like that?”

Giles glanced up at the TV. Three young women were gyrating around on the screen, dressed in tight lycra tops and very skimpy skirts. A strange tingle went through his belly. He looked down at his book and swallowerd ard as the tingle moved down and then forward.

“ Cor, now they’re wet,” Spike remarked. Giles gripped the edge of the desk and took a deep breath. His trousers were growing uncomfortably tight.

“ You can see everything through those clothes now,” the vampire breathed. Giles glanced up at the TV without thinking and regretted it immediately as yet more blood rushed to his groin. Quietly, he slid his chair back. There was only one thing for it. He got up and made his way silently to the bathroom.

A wide grin spread across Spike’s face. He sat back and waited.

“ God!” Giles leaned back against the cistern as his orgasm subsided. He took several slow, deep breaths and gradually his pulse slowed to normal. He snagged some tissue paper and began to clean himself up. Something was bothering him. He didn’t usually get so aroused so quickly. Come to think of it, his erection had usually subsided by now…

Something on the sink suddenly caught his eye. It was a small cardboard box. Frowning, Giles got up, hitched up his trousers as best he could, and hopped the short distance from the toilet to the sink. A sick feeling of dread gripped his insides as he read the label. He picked up the box with trembling fingers and shook out the contents. Quickly he counted the little blue pills.

There were eighteen.

There were supposed to be twenty-four.

Giles stared down at his ridiculously hard penis in horror.

“ SPIIIKE!”

In the lounge, the vampire doubled up with laughter.Giles wrestled his erection back into his boxer shorts, but he knew there was no way he was going to be able to fasten his flies. He buckled his belt to hold his trousers up, then grabbed a towel off the rack, held it in front of him and stormed out of the bathroom.

“ YOU LACED MY TEA WITH VIAGRA!” he roared, pointing a finger at Spike. Spike rolled off the couch and lay giggling on the floor.

“ Told you I’d found a way to amuse myself,” he choked out.

“ I’m going to bash your bloody head in!” Giles yelled. He raced into the kitchen and came back brandishing a frying pan. Startled, Spike rolled away and scrambled up.

“ Easy, Rupert, easy!” Giles grabbed the frying pan with both hands and raised it over his head. Spike stared in terror – then dropped his gaze.

“ Neat party trick you’ve got there, mate,” he sniggered, gesturing at the towel, which now hung suspended from Giles’ crotch. The Watcher looked down at himself. He blushed, dropped the frying pan and grabbed the towel.

“ All right!” he growled. “ I’m going to get this taken care of, and then I’m going to bash your head in.” He picked up his keys and headed out.

Spike picked himself up. He grinned in satisfaction, then flopped back on the couch and put his dirty boots up on the coffee table.

“ I’m going to kill him,” Giles growled to himself as he drove towards the hospital. “ I should’ve known, I should’ve –” he punched the steering wheel “- bloody known!” He turned into the hospital car park, manoeuvred into a space, yanked the handbrake –

“ OW!”

Eyes stinging in pain, he yanked the real handbrake, and turned off the engine. Holding the towel in front of him, Giles made his way into the hospital and shuffled awkwardly up to the front desk.

“ Can I help you?” the nurse asked wearily.

“ I need to see a doctor,” Giles replied. “ Right away.”

“ Really?” the nurse said dryly. “ What’s the problem?”

“ Well, I accidentally ingested half a dozen Viagra tablets,” Giles explained quietly, “ and now – ahem – I’m in a semi-permanent state of priapic excitement…”

“ You popped one too many blue pills and now it won’t go down?”

Giles blushed.

“ I-in a nutshell, yes…”

The nurse threw down a form and a fountain pen.

“ Fill this in and sit down over there,” she said boredly.

Giles realised he couldn’t hold the towel and the form at the same time. He fidgeted for a few moments before managing to pin the form down with his right elbow. He filled it in and slid it back across the desk.

“ Have a seat,” the nurse told him. Giles made his way over to an empty chair next to a girl in a leather jacket and sat down, arranging his towel carefully over his lap. He settled himself and waited.

***

Spike picked up the e ane and punched in a number. He flipped through Giles’ record collection while he waited for an answer.

“ Crap…crap…crap…gay…crap…pretentious…crap…” He flung a Grateful Dead album over his shoulder. “ A’right, Steve? Yeah, it’s Spike. Yeah. Listen, thanks for the stuff, it worked a treat. I got a free house over here. Crap music, but great selection of booze. Bring the lads.” He hung up and dialled another number.

***

Giles directed another glare at the waiting room clock. He’d been there for over an hour and his erection was starting to hurt. Worse, it was showing no sign of deflating, in spite of two trips to the bathroom in the meantime.

“ Mr. Peters,” the nurse intoned. A man with his arm swathed in bloody towels got up and limped to the desk. “ Dr. Benton will see you now.”

“ This is ridiculous,” Giles muttered. He got up, grasping his towel tightly, and made his way up to the desk.

“ Can I help you?” The nurse asked.

“ Yes,” Giles replied. “ I’ve been sitting there for over an hour! I’d like to see a doctor and ” – he lowered his voice – “ get this taken care of as soon as possible.”

“ Look, you’ll have to wait your turn,” the nurse told him, returning to her crossword.

“ I am in pain, you know,” Giles grumbled.

“ So are all the other people in this room,” the nurse replied, “ and most of them didn’t get that way abusing pharmaceutical products to impress their girlfriends with their stamina.”

“ I didn’t do this on purpose, you stupid woman!” Giles bellowed. “ Do I LOOK like I want a permanent hard-on?! I don’t even need bloody Viagra! I can get it up with the best of them!”

“ You finished?” the nurse asked. Giles realised the rest of the people in the waiting room were staring at him. He blushed.

“ I’ll just go and wait my turn then,” he mumbled.

“ That’d be great,” the nurse replied dryly. Giles had scarcely got back to his seat when the nurse called his name.

“ Dr. Cox will see you now,” she said with a smirk. A chuckle went around the waiting room. Praying in vain for the Hellmouth to swallow him up, Giles shuffled out the door.

“ Okay, Mr. Giles, how many pills did you take?”

“ I didn’t TAKE them!” Giles protested. “ My flatmate put them in my drink when I wasn’t looking!”

“ Of course he did,” Dr. Cox replied soothingly. “ How many?”

“ Six,” Giles growled.

Dr. Cox made a note on his clipboard.

“ And have you tried, uh, the usual solution?”

“ Yes,” Giles replied miserably. “ Once at home, and twice while I was waiting.”

“ O-kay,” Dr. Cox replied. “ Good thing I didn’t shake your hand.” He made another note on his clipboard. “ Well, there’s not a lot we can do except hope the problem resolves itself. We’ll have to keep an eye on your vital signs – Viagra’s been linked to fatal heart attacks in older men. And we’ll have to insert a penis catheter. Nurse!”

Giles looked around and swallowed hard as a tall, blonde, full-bosomed nurse entered the cubicle.

“ Yes, doctor?”

“ I need you to insert a catheter in this patient,” Dr. Cox explained, jerking a thumb at Giles.

“ Yes, doctor.” The nurse approached him. “ I’ll just move this towel…”

Giles fainted.

***

Giles lay back against the pillows and sighed in exasperation. The nurses kept smirking every time they passed his bed, a creepy orderly kept offering to give him sponge baths, and between the catheter and his aroused state, he’d never felt more uncomfortable. His only consolation was that Buffy had no idea what had happened to him…

A blonde tornado burst through the door and whirled towards the bed.

“ Giles!”

Before he could say anything, Buffy punched him in the face.

“ What was that for?” Giles asked, rubbing his jaw in bewilderment.

“ Spike called and told us you took an overdose!” Buffy wailed. She grabbed his hand.

“ Ow – you’re – you’re hurting me –”

“ I know I’ve been ignoring you lately and I’m sorry,” Buffy sniffed, “ but suicide isn’t the answer! Please, Giles, I can’t do this without you!” The distressed Slayer flung herself across her Watcher’s chest and started sobbing hysterically. Giles shot Willow a questioning look as the redheaded witch quietly drew up a chair and sat down. Willow shrugged.

“ Buffy – Buffy…” Giles awkwardly patted the blonde on the back. She looked up at him.

“Why, Giles?” Buffy sobbed. “ What was so bad you wanted to end it all?” Her lip wobbled. “ It was me, wasn’t it?”

“ No – it wasn’t like that,” Giles replied. Buffy stared at him, blinking back more tears. Giles went red. “ Spike…put something in my tea,” he explained.

“ What?” Willow asked.

Giles went redder.

“ Viagra.”

“ Oh,” Buffy said. “ Oh. Oh, God.” Suddenly remembering she was in a comedy and not a romantic melodrama, she grabbed Willow’s cardigan –

“ Hey!”

She put it on over her white, tight spaghetti top, and buttoned it up to the neck. Giles stared at her in astonishment“ What on EARTH are you doing?!”

“ I’m not wearing a bra today and I don’t want to make things worse,” Buffy stammered, crossing her arms over her chest.

“ How could things POSSIBLY get any WORSE??!” Giles spluttered in disbelief.

“ I-is there anything we can do to help?” Willow asked.

“ Yes,” Giles growled. “ Key Spike’s car.”

“ O…kay…” Willow replied nervously. “ Hey, where’s Buffy?”

The Slayer suddenly reappeared with a can of chilled Mountain Dew. She opened it and poured the freezing contents onto Giles’ lap.

“ AAARGH!”

Giles doubled over, clutching himself in a most undignified manner. He swore breathlessly several times before managing to regain his composure. He straightened up and glared at Buffy.

“ What the hell –”

“ I was just trying to help,” Buffy stuttered. “ Did – did it help?”

“ No,” Giles replied testily. “ And now I have a huge wet stain on my blanket!”

“ I’m sorry, Giles,” Buffy whimpered, “ but you don’t know how hard this is for me!” She flung one arm out and slapped her other hand against her forehead. “ MY Watcher is in hospital because of something MY former arch-enemy did to him!” She burst into tears. “ Why does everything bad happen to me? I wish I was dead!”

Giles stared incredulously as Buffy dissolved into a sobbing, quivering jelly on the floor.

“ W-we better go,” Willow declared, helping her friend to her feet. “ Feel better!”

***

Giles shifted uncomfortably in his hospital bed. The lights were out and everyone else in the ward was asleep. He punched his pillow and attempted to settle down. Trying to ignore the throbbing ache in his groin, he closed his eyes…

“ Peter, you’re being – totally unreasonable!”

Giles opened his eyes and scowled as the arguing couple came down the corridor.

“ I don’t have to listen to any of this,” the man growled.

“ How can you be so breathtakingly arrogant?” the woman shrilled in a polished English accent.

“ You’ve got no idea of the obstacles I’ve had to face in my career all my life just because of who I am!” the man barked.

“ How dare you!” the woman spluttered. “ How dare you!”

The pair entered the ward. The man was tall, bearded and dark-skinned. The woman was smaller, pale and had red hair.

“ Why can’t you just admit you’re too afraid to face up to your own shortcomings?” the woman shrieked.

“ Oh yeah? Well maybe you need to change your attitude, Doctor,” the man spat.

“ Do you mind?” Giles exclaimed. “ We’re not all anaesthetised, you know!”

The couple stared at him.

“ Who’s that?” the woman asked quietly.

“ Oh, it’s just the Viagra guy,” the man replied off-handedly. He headed back out of the ward.

“ Peter!” the woman exclaimed. She followed him. “ Don’t you walk away from me…”

***

“ Lads, lads!”

Spike jumped up on Giles’ coffee table and shouted over the Pink Floyd album being scratched to pieces by Chek Ur Nex, Sunnydale’s resident vampire DJ.

“ A toast!” Spike yelled, raising his bottle of Scotch in the air. “ To Rupert Giles, the poor sod whose house we’re wrecking.”

“ Rupert Giles,” the other demons intoned solemnly.

“ Outta my way!”

A very drunk vampire with a lampshade on his head barged through the crowd. He fell through the curtain, out the open window, and into the early morning sunlight. A hush fell over the party as he screamed and exploded into dust.

“ ’Ere!” Spike barked angrily. “ ’oo left that open?”

“ Sorry, my bad,” a floppy-eared demon replied shamefacedly.

Spike glared at him…then began to laugh. The rest of the gathering followed suit. Spike drained his drink and smashed the bottle against the wall.

***

“ Wake up, Mr. Giles!”

Giles groggily opened his eyes. His pillow was rudely yanked from under him. He stared blearily up at a nurse who was next to his bed, bullying his pillow into a fresh pillowcase.

“ Breakfast time,” the nurse declared briskly. “ Cornflakes or Rice Krispies?”

“ Rice Krispies,” Giles answered bemusedly. The nurse shoved his pillow in behind him.

“ I’m afraid we only have cornflakes,” she replied. She plonked a bowl of soggy cornflakes down on the tray in front of him. “ And how are we this morning?”

“ How d’you think?” Giles growled.

“ My, we are stroppy today, aren’t we?” the nurse remarked.

“ Look, did they teach you how to be patronising at nursing school or does it just come naturally?” Giles asked.

The nurse ignored him. “ C’mon, up you get.”

“ What?!”

“ We have to change the sheets,” the nurse explained.

Giles glanced under his blanket.

“ I, I don’t think they’re dirty,” he stammered.

“ Don’t be silly,” the nurse said, grabbing his pillow.

“ All right, all right!” Giles snapped nervously. Keeping hold of his blanket, he slid off the bed and into the nearby chair. The nurse handed him the cornflakes and started stripping the bed. Giles had a spoonful of cornflakes and grimaced.

“ I think I’ll pass on these, thank you,” he remarked.

“ Now, Mr. Giles, we must eat our breakfast,” the nurse replied, tucking the edge of the fresh sheet under the mattress.

“ Yes, we must, mustn’t we?” Giles growled sarcastically. He forced down a few more bites.

“ The blanket too,” the nurse declared. Giles gulped and looked down at the blanket wadded up in his lap.

“ Eh…”

“ Come on, Mr. Giles,” the nurse insisted.

“ Yes, just a minute!” Giles replied irritably. He reached over and swapped the pillow for his blanket. The nurse put the dirty linen in the laundry trolley, and Giles clambered back into bed. The nurse changed his catheter bag, took the cornflakes (“Wait a…”) and left.

“ Bloody wonderful,” Giles grumbled. He picked up the soccer magazine Willow had left him the day before and started reading.

***

“ Go!”

Steve, the cheeky vampire who had sold Spike the Viagra, threw another framed photograph across the room. Spike took aim with a shotgun and blasted it to smithereens. A scaly green demon fell down the stairs and stumbled up to Spike.

“ I think I broke the toilet,” it hiccupped.

“ Yeah?” Spike replied, reloading the shotgun. “ Wotcha do?”

“ Flushed a towel down there,” the demon answered, grinning with a mouthful of sharp teeth.

“ Good on ya, mate,” Spike declared, slapping it on the back. “ Help yourself to some hash.”

The demon wandered over to Giles’ desk and tore another page out of the extremely rare and irreplaceable book lying open on top of it. It rolled itself a joint, lit it and took a drag. Several wailing spirits flew out of the burning paper.

“ Man, those spells really give it a kick!”

***

Giles slowly became aware of several people standing around his bed. He looked up and saw a large group of interns, led by a senior doctor in a white coat, standing in a horseshoe and gazing at him.

“ Can I help you?” the Watcher asked.

“ Don’t you worry, Mr., eh…” The man in the white coat, whose nametag identified him as ‘Dr. Kelso’, picked up Giles’ chart and squinted at it. “ Giles. This is a teaching hospital.” He turned and addressed the interns in a loud voice. “ Here we have a middle-aged man suffering from an overdose of Viagra.” Giles went red and tried to be interested in his magazine. “Can anyone tell me the correct treatment in this case?” Dr. Kelso looked around before settling on one intern. “ Dr. Murphy?”

“ Uh…” Dr. Murphy looked perplexed. “ A jumbo tube of hand cream and a big wad of Kleenex?”

“ I heard that!” Giles snapped indignantly.

“ Yes…” Dr. Kelso fixed Dr. Murphy with a withering stare. “ Now let’s ask someone who’s not going to completely waste my time. Dr. Dorian.”

“ Monitor the patient’s vital signs, insert a catheter and hope the effects wear off,” Dr. Dorian replied smoothly.

“ And if they don’t?” Dr. Kelso asked.

“ Then I’d consider surgery,” Dr. Dorian answered.

“ Surgery?!” Giles exclaimed.

“ Excellent, Dr. Dorian,” Dr. Kelso declared, ignoring Giles. The group moved on.

“ Morning, Mr. Giles,” Dr. Cox said breezily, coming up to his bed. He checked Giles’ chart. “ Any change?”

“ No,” Giles answered. “ Um… one – one of the junior doctors mentioned surgery –”

“ Yeah,” Dr. Cox replied matter-of-factly. “ As a last resort, we’ll whip you into the O.R., have a look at your prostate clamp… sure, there’s a chance it’ll render you permanently impotent, but hey, it could be worse. The kid in the bed next to you’s got a bottle rocket up his ass.”

“ What is this, the Embarrassing Mishaps Ward?” Giles asked in disbelief.

Dr. Cox didn’t bat an eyelid.

“ Yes.”

Giles heaved a sigh. Dr. Cox checked the heart monitor and then left.

“ Hey, Giles.”

Willow came into the ward, carrying a cardboard box.

“ I brought you some cookies,” she said cheerfully, sitting down by the bed. She put the box on the bedside table. “ Not a lot’s been happening while you’ve been in here. We ran into these things on campus called Kombucha Mushroom People, and things were kinda hairy, but it turned out they just sat around all day.” She shrugged. “ Who would believe it?”

“ Hey, G-man!” Xander sauntered into the room. “ How you feelin’?” He spotted the box Willow had brought. “ Ooh, cookies!”

“ Xander!” Willow admonished, slapping his hand away. “ Those are for Giles!”

“ That’s all right,” Giles said glumly. “ I don’t much feel like eating.” Xander grabbed a cookie. “ The doctor said that if this… thing doesn’t go away by itself, I’ll have to have an operation.”

“ Yowch,” Xander grimaced. Willow squeezed Giles’ hand.

“ I-I’m sure it won’t come to that,” she said, but without much conviction. A shadowy figure in the glass panel of the ward door caught her eye. “ Hey, here comes Buffy!”

Giles looked up as the door opened. His Slayer was dressed in a long ankle-length skirt and a huge baggy turtleneck. Buffy wobbled into the room on her platform shoes, tripped on the edge of her skirt, and fell on the floor. The skirt flopped over her head, treating the whole ward to a view of her knickers. Giles stared in astonishment.

“ What are you doing?” he asked.

“ I don’t want to make things worse,” came the muffled reply.

Willow picked up the box and offered it to Giles.

“ Cookie?”

***

“ Okay! Who’s ready for another brilliant prank summoning?”

The assembled demons cheered in approval. Spike drew a pentagram on the ground and opened the casting book at the correct page.

“ Sh! Shh!”

The room fell silent. Spike solemnly recited the ritual. A ball of black smoke appeared in the centre of the pentagram and steadily grew into a pillar. A ringing tone was heard.

“ Hello?” boomed a deep, disembodied voice.

“ Is this Enaek Yor, Lord and Guardian of Intimidation and Thuggery?” Spike asked.

“ Yes,” the demon replied.

“ You have won ten million dollars,” Spike declared, elbowing Steve, who was trying not to giggle. “ Please hold.”

There was a crash from outside. The party surged en masse to the window. The remains of a television lay sparking on the pavement, briefly illuminating the dark street.

“ Cor,” Spike remarked. He went upstairs and clambered up through the skylight onto the roof. One or two demons were up there with a few of Giles’ electrical goods.

“ Check it out,” a Fyarl demon grunted. He picked up the microwave and flung it off the roof. It exploded on the road below.

“ Fantastic!” Spike exclaimed. “ Let’s see if we can get the fridge up here…”

***

Giles awoke the next morning to find his penis still as stiff as a post. He slumped back against the pillow and sighed in despair. As a young man, the prospect of a permanent erection would have been attractive, but this was just embarrassing. The patronising nurse came by with some burnt toast, changed his sheets and his catheter bag, asked embarrassing questions (“ Have we had a bowel movement today?”) and shoved a thermometer in his mouth before he could answer her. A doctor and a surgeon shot past the door in wheelchairs, apparently having a race. Giles whimpered quietly. Were these the people who were going to cut him open and tamper with what was, after all, a very delicate mechanism?

(“…there’s a chance it’ll render you permanently impotent…”)

Giles lifted up his blanket and peered under it. This could be the last erection I ever have, he thought miserably. Suddenly he wanted to cry.

“ Hi, Giles.”

Giles looked up and quickly wiped his eyes on the sheet as Xander and Anya walked in. The pair sat next to the bed.

“ Here, I, I brought you this,” Xander said, handing Giles a magazine. Giles took one look at the big-breasted woman in a skimpy bikini on the cover and glared at Xander.

“ And that seemed like such a good idea in the store,” Xander remarked sheepishly. Giles dropped the magazine unceremoniously on the blanket and looked away.

“ I’ll just put this under here,” Xander declared, taking the magazine and tucking it under the mattress.

Anya stared at the tent in Giles’ blanket, between his legs.

“ Why don’t you just have sex?” she asked. Giles gave her a withering look, which she completely missed. “ That’s what we do whenever Xander’s penis gets hard.” She smiled and patted Xander’s crotch.

“ Now, honey,” Xander laughed nervously, “ that’s not exactly true…”

“ That’s right,” Anya said with a grin. “ Sometimes Xander likes me to suck his penis instead.” Her eyes widened. “ Maybe that’s what’s wrong!”

“ Let go of that!” Giles snapped, slapping Anya’s hand. The ex-demon yelped and dropped the blanket.

“ Maybe I could rub it with my hand –”

“ Get her out of here now!” Giles bellowed.

“ Uh – say, Ahn, why don’t you go get us something from the vending machine?” Xander suggested hurriedly. He dug out a handful of change and gave it to his girlfriend. Anya beamed and headed out, passing Willow and Buffy on the way in.

“ Hello, girls,” Giles said wearily. He frowned in puzzlement. “ Buffy, why are you dressed like a Muslim?”

“ I don’t want to make things worse,” Buffy mumbled from under the black cloth.

Anya arrived with an armful of snacks.

“ Thanks honey,” Xander acknowledged, taking a bag of potato chips. Willow snagged a sandwich and Buffy helped herself to a candy bar.

“ Want anything, Giles?” Buffy asked.

Giles shook his head glumly.

“ Are you still…” Willow trailed off, blushing.

Giles nodded glumly. An uneasy silence settled over the group.

“ C’mon, everybody!” Xander said suddenly. “ Let’s all forget our troubles and watch TV.” He got up and switched on the communal television.

“ And now, in place of our rained-out ball game, an interview with Barbara Streisland,” the announced declared. There were moans of disgust from the gang. Xander got up again and approached the TV.

“ Where’s the channel changer on this thing?” he muttered.

Giles gazed up at the TV screen. As Barbara Streisland rambled on about her life and career, he felt a strange sensation in his groin.

Xander growled as he discovered the television had only one channel. There was a sudden whoop of joy behind him. He turned and moved to the bed. Giles was holding up his blanket and staring at himself under it.

“ What is it, Giles?” Willow asked.

“ I’m flaccid,” Giles replied. “ I’m flaccid! I’m completely limp!” He looked up, a smile on his face. “ Barbara Streisland killed my erection!” He grabbed Xander and kissed him on the forehead.

“ Gee, Giles, could you shout a little louder?” Xander asked, wiping his face. “ I don’t think they heard you in Michigan!”

“ Who cares?” Giles laughed. “ I’m cured! Someone get the doctor!”

“ You’re really cured?” Buffy asked.

“ Almost certainly,” Giles replied ecstatically.

“ Awesome,” Buffy said with a sigh. She shed her Muslim garb, revealing the skimpiest outfit she could wear without being indecent. “ See ya!”

Xander gawped as Buffy pranced out the door. “ Say, Anya, could we go home right now?”

“ And have sex?” Anya asked brightly.

“ Yeah,” Xander replied, staring after Buffy. The pair left hand in hand.

***

Giles waited impatiently in the cubicle as Doctor Cox checked over his test results.

“ Well, your blood work’s back,” he remarked, “ and the tests show the Viagra’s completely left your system.” He looked up at Giles. “ And you’re satisfied that everything’s working all right?”

“ Yes,” Giles replied confidently. “ It’s doing everything it’s supposed to when it’s supposed to.”

“ Then I guess you can go home,” Dr. Cox told him.

“ Thank you, doctor,” Giles replied. He stood up and shook Dr. Cox’s hand warmly. “Thank you very much!” He headed off down the corridor, then dropped to his knees, slid along the polished floor, and pulled the end of his sweater up over his head.

“ GOOOAAAL!!!”

“ Man,” Dr. Cox muttered as Giles got up, smoothed down his sweater, and took off for the main door. “ Never seen a guy so happy not to have a boner before.”

Giles jumped in his car and started the engine. A Led Zepplin song came on the radio and he cranked the volume up as high as it would go. As he drove down the road he glanced lovingly at the bottle of water he’d got from the vending machine on his way out. He turned the radio down as he approached a church, and pulled into the church car park.

***

Spike moaned as he came to. He blinked a few times and stared blearily up at the tall, shadowy figure standing over him.

“ Spike,” the figure remarked.

Spike sighed, and kicked his way out from under the pile of trash on his legs and belly.

“ Go on then, give us a kicking,” he said. He grinned up at Giles. “ I don’t care. I’ve had my fun, and that’s all that matters.”

“ Actually, Spike,” Giles replied, “ I’ve thought about it, and I’ve decided not to beat you to a bloody pulp.” He headed into the downstairs bathroom and closed the door.

Spike wandered after him. “ Eh?” Suddenly he remembered something. “ Uh, I think the toilet’s bust –”

Giles looked into the bowl and fished out a fluffy, chewed blue towel. “ Not any more,” he declared. Ignoring the Rotagilla demon passed out in the bathtub, he reached for the bottle of peroxide which Spike regularly splashed all over his head – despite being assured repeatedly that vampire hair didn’t grow – “just in case.”

“ I had a lot of time on my hands while I was in hospital,” he explained loudly, unscrewing the cap. “ And despite all the embarrassment and utter mortification…” He tipped half the peroxide quietly down the sink. “…I’ve come to see the funny side of it.” He filled the bottle back up with the newly blessed holy water. “ After all,” Giles continued, shaking the bottle, “ if you can’t laugh at yourself, what’s the world coming to?”

Spike frowned. “ You serious?”

Giles flushed the toilet and came out. Spike backed away a little.

“ You’re really not angry?” he asked.

“ Just help me tidy up the flat,” Giles told him, heading into the kitchen, “ and we’ll say no more about it.” He took out the bottle of whiskey he kept under the sink, and which had somehow come through the house party untouched, found a clean, uncracked glass, and poured himself a drink.

“ Well, that’s very decent of you, Rupert,” Spike replied. “ You know, I think you an’ me might just get along after all.”

Giles screwed the cap back on the bottle. “ Oh – isn’t today Thursday?”

“ Blimey, you’re right,” Spike said. “ I’ll just go touch up me roots.”

He went into the bathroom. Giles strolled over to his favourite chair, glanced at the puke-covered seat, and settled himself on his desk instead. Then he waited.

“ AAAAAAARRRGHH!”

Giles smirked and sipped his drink.

The End

-^)--)~
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