Adult-FanFiction.org : Buffy

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire	By : QueenB Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > General Views: 1988 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
- 1
Spoiler Warning: Vague ones for BtVS season six episodes "Seeing Red" and "Entropy"
Disclaimer: This belongs to the great and powerful Joss and the usual gang of idi…uh, geniuses
Feedback: Do your worst—it can’t compare to my worst ;)
Notes: "Reviews" have been copied verbatim without any correction of spelling, grammar or punctuation. Names have been omitted to protect the guilty.
[thoughts]
A/N: Due to the adult-fanfiction.org website crashing in the summer of 2004, most of my entries suffered from terrible grammatical errors that made a lot of stories unreadable. The new moderators answered my distressed emails. Unfortunately, their only solution was that I go into the stories and physically make the alterations. This is tedious for me but even more frustrating for you, the readers and other writers. According to the way the system is currently set up, any alterations immediately shunts a story to the top of the current day’s entry. So my stories from years ago will be brought to the top of the day’s listings even though I don’t want this to happen. I’ve wanted to avoid this but if I wish to fix my stories, this is my only option. So I’m apologizing in advance; if any of you are irked, please complain to the webmasters or whomever. Maybe they can fix this considerable problem.

Buffy was craning her neck looking out the car window. "Are we there yet?"

Xander drove carefully while glancing into the side mirrors for other traffic. "Almost"

"Can’t you tell me where we’re going?"

"What part of ‘it’s a surprise’ did you not get? Oh wait, we’re here."

"Finally. My legs were starting to get cramped." Buffy undid her seatbelt and got out of the car only to stop in surprise. "This is it? You took me to the beach? Xander, it’s almost midnight. What are we doing out here? Is there some demon beast I’m supposed to kill?"

"Actually, you’re right on the money. Except the demon is already dead so you’re only partially on the money which gets you $0.95 on the dollar but that’s pretty good bread right there, let me tell ya."

"Xander, you spent way too much time with Anya." Then she flushed as she considered what she said. "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring…"

Xander had wandered over to the trunk and popped the lid. "Huh? Oh, her. Hey, Buffy, no big. Could you help me get some of this food?"

Buffy peered into the depths of trunk. By the pale streetlight, she could see packages of franks, uncooked chicken parts and ribs. "Oooh, we’re having a beach party. Haven’t been to one of those in awhile."

"Yeah. This is going to be special, alright." Buffy raised her eyebrow at the queer note in Xander’s voice. He sounded both excited and kinda smug. What exactly was he planning?

She hoisted up the cooler while he struggled behind her, trying to juggle the various foodstuffs without dropping any. When she came over the small rise, she stopped in shock.

Willow, Tara and Dawn were there. The girls were laughing and chatting in front of a roaring fire. Erected over the fire was an enormous contraption of steel and wood. There were four tall metal poles at the top of which was a grill for the meat. At the end was a crooked handle obviously meant for turning the food to keep it evenly roasted. Beside the large machine was a stack of very strange-looking wood.

Dawn spotted her first and waved her over. "Hey, Buffy! Over here! Isn’t this cool? Xander made this all by himself."

The blonde Slayer walked over to the women and set the cooler down with a thud. "Uh huh. This must have taken a lot of time."

"Actually it’s been something I’ve been working on for a long while now. I wasn’t sure I’d ever need it but after what happened in your bathroom, I just knew the time was right." He waved his hand at the figure strapped to the barbecue rack.

Buffy stared up at it silently. Then she turned to the others who looked expectantly at her as they awaited her response. "Y-you guys did this for me?"

Tara blushed and clasped Willow’s hand. "W-we all thought you needed this, Buffy. Willow thought it would be c-closure for you."

Dawn chirped, "We would have gotten Anya in on this but after what she did with him in the Magic Box, we didn’t think she’d be entirely on board with the idea." She peered at the food in Xander’s arms. "Did you bring anything for s’mores?"

"You betcha! A midnight cookout wouldn’t be complete without sticky chocolatey goodness." He plopped down besides the ladies and hefted up one of the logs. "Buffy, would you be the first to do the honors?"

She looked down at the log in her hand. There were words written on it. As she read them, she turned pale and then flushed in anger. "Oh yeah. No problem." She chucked it into the flames, ignoring the muffled shrieks from the bound figure as the flames momentarily danced higher and licked at his body.

"What did it say?" Dawn asked. She’d wanted to read the chunks of wood ahead of time but the others had assured her it would be more fun if people read them at random without knowing what they said beforehand.

"It said, ‘You don't like spike, do you? 'Cos that was just mean. Are you sure the scooby's ain't souless demons, as well?’ I don’t believe this. They’re reaming out my friends?" She dusted off her hands and made to pull another log from the pile when Xander stopped her.

"Whoah, Buff. We’re planning on making this an all-nighter. Wouldn’t want the fun to stop too soon, would ya? Besides, if the fire gets too high, it’s Ash City and we don’t want that on the food," gesturing once again to the body now writhing on the spit and emitting muffled shrieks from behind the gag.

Buffy sat down and glared into the flames. "Still, that’s kinda harsh, picking on you guys."

Willow handed her a hot dog on a roasting fork. "It’s okay, Buffy. We’re gonna put all those flames to good use tonight."

When the fire had died down and the whimpering from the bound figure had quieted a little, Xander jumped up and ran to the logpile. "My turn." He held up the chopped wood and grimaced.

He recited in a loud voice, "Right. This one mentions everybody’s favorite undead. ‘Well this is obviously an attempt of a disgruntled B/A shipper to get a little revenge via the Spike character. Somehow the idea of Buffy growing up and moving on is such an alien thought to them. (mind you both characters have said as much in each of their season openers) Its a darn shame because you seem to write fairly good stories. Too bad you're too wrapped up in Spike bashing to develop a good story. It doesn't have to be happy ever after, lord knows life is not that way, but this just is plain angry writing and really not worth of your talents. If you're going to take the time to write a story you really should attempt to entertain not vent.’ " He shrugged in the face of their baffled stares and tossed it onto the flames.

Willow turned to Tara. "I remember that story. Angel isn’t mentioned in it until the last few pages or so. He didn’t even appear in that fanfic."

"You know what they say, Willow. Comparisons are odious," Tara replied softly. "Maybe they were just using the review as a chance to dump on Angel while cheering for Spike."

"Well, adios to comparisons is what I say." Xander poked the log with a stick.

Dawn folded her arms and pouted. "So do I get the next turn or what?" Before anybody could stop her she leaped up and yanked out the next log. She read out loud, " ‘Sense u said that my worse cant be as bad as urs im not going to waste my time flaming a piece of shit like this!…’ "

"DAWN!" they all yelled. Buffy grabbed the log and chucked it into the flames. The sparks flew up and the demon gave a strangled scream.

Dawn commented wryly, "Wow, that guy was a really bad speller. It read like something written by a third-grader."

"I vote we start censoring these things. Who’s with me?" Xander raised his hands and was joined by the three other women at the fire.

"That’s just stupid! It’s okay to have me roast Spike but I can’t read a few swear words? That’s what’s wrong with this society. All the so-called authority figures out there try to shield kids from obscenity and sex and in the meantime we have people shooting each other on the streets and cop shows with violence and gunplay. Hypocrites."

The others stared at Dawn at the end of this little speech. Then Buffy glanced pointedly at the bound demon. "I think I should turn the spit. That last one nearly set him on fire. He looks about done to a turn on this side."

She stood up and easily cranked the handle. Spike had been on top of the metal bars and the fire had roasted his backside quite nicely. If Giles had been around, he would have stated in clinical terms the exact nature of the burns. [Second degree? Third degree? Well, he’s not ash so it’s all gravy. Ha! Spike gravy.]

Stifling a smile, she turned the spit around, ignoring the pleading gazes Spike sent her way. Now he was dangling face down directly over the flames and she could hear the hairs on his body start to sizzle as the fire caught them. His dyed hair was almost completely burnt off leaving only tiny smoking wisps all over his reddened, crack-skinned skull. As for his other hairs…

Spike struggled vainly against the ropes binding him. Xander had expressed doubt as to whether ordinary cord would hold a vampire so Willow had ever so helpfully enchanted the ropes. Nothing short of another hellgod could have broken loose. So Spike twisted and screamed as his dangling bits began to roast and burn in the hot air over the pyre.

Tara had roasted a few s’mores and ate them daintily, blowing to cool them and licking her fingers like a cat afterwards. Willow watched her quietly until the blonde wiccan caught her eye. "What? What is it, Willow?"

"You’ve got a little chocolate smudge on your face, sweetie."

Tara darted her tongue out to the left. "Did I get it?"

"No. Let me." Willow leaned forward and licked at the smudge on Tara’s right cheek. The blond smiled and moved her head quickly until their lips met. The two women giggled until Dawn rolled her eyes.

"Hey, I thought we were here for a weinie roast not lesbian bonding!"

"What, is there some rule saying we can’t have both? I think wimmen luv is a beautiful thing," Xander leered in appreciation. He watched the two women avidly until they finished smooching. Then Tara stuck her tongue out at him.

"Well, I could go for a hot dog or two," she murmured. "How long should we space out putting on these logs?"

Xander peered critically at the pile. "Well, these flames aren’t very substantial for the most part, so we’ll have to be throwing one on every two minutes or so. Yep, we’re just about due," he observed as he saw the last ephemeral pieces in the fire collapse.

The fire died down to a flickering glow as Tara scrambled for a log. "Ooh me. Let me read this one." She lifted it up and then smiled feebily as she noticed the others watching her. Tara was never at ease with an audience so she ducked her head and read the words off as fast as she could. " ‘It was well written and easy to read but as a B/S shipper I HATED IT. IT WAS SO MEAN TO SPIKE. EVERYONE WAS SO MEAN TO HIM. After this story he should go back to Dru and have her kill them all.’ " This log fizzled up so quickly within seconds there was nothing left.

Willow scowled at the outpouring of bile. "Wow, childish AND hostile. Nice combo."

Buffy smirked. She was really beginning to enjoy this. "They’re upset because I was mean to Spike? Guess all the times he tried to kill and hurt us meant we just had it coming, huh? Some people have a nerve."

Tara was going to sit down again when Willow nudged her. "Honey, why don’t you try one more? That last one just went ‘poof!’ so fast. You deserve another try."

The blond looked hesitantly at the pile. There really was a lot of fuel for the fire. "Well…"

"If she doesn’t want to, I’d like another turn," Dawn replied as she eyed the remaining stacks of wood.

"Never mind. I’ll go." This time Tara looked the pieces over carefully before plucking out one. "This looks good." She read it and did a double take. "Then again, good is a relative term. Brace yourselves; this is kinda long." She cleared her throat.

" ‘Do you eat babies? Or kittens? Or any other cute, adorable, happy little woodland animals? Because stories about your adventures in the cuter cuisine would be much more comical, and much much less depressing, than this pile of radioactive tin cans. As a perk you could say that your adventures were a biography! Oh, I can picture a scene now.

(The Three little Reviewers and the big bad Queen)
'three poor little reviewers in the shape of fluffy pink bunnies are huddling by a computer, trying to obtain warmth from its shiny shiny screen, suddenly!)

Queen Boadicea: Muh huh huh, read my stories or I'll eat you all!
Three Bunnies: Not by the cute adorable hair of our chinny-chin-chins.
Queen Boadicea: Then I'll huff, and I'll buff, and I'll blow your house down!!
Three Bunnies: .What?
Queen Boadicea: That statement was random, and Out of Character. It's what I do best!
Three Bunnies: .Wha-
Queen Boadicea: M. I just love ending the lives of innocent little bunnies.

Woah. Queeny. that's one scary story you've got there. please don't publish it. though, it was better than the previously mentioned pile of radioactive tin cans.’ "

Xander was rolling in the sand, laughing so hard he was almost crying. "Eating babies? Oh man, what was that reviewer smoking?"

Dawn grimaced as the log hit the fire. "I know these stories aren’t always that great but it’s really low to accuse someone of eating children. That’s just so immature."

Buffy shrugged as she tried to warm her hands by the insubstantial flame. "At least this one was better spelled than the one you picked out, Dawnie."

"Better spelling. Poor punctuation," Tara replied. "Honestly, some reviews are so badly spelled, it’s really depressing trying to read them." She turned to her redheaded lover. "Why don’t you choose one, honey?"

Willow rolled around her log until the words were right-side up. " ‘The infamous Queen Bodicaea strikes again, were you attacked by a blonde man as a child? I really don't see how you can wedge so much anti-spikeness into a fic and still have room for the trendy spanish words. Well,"chica"... you are a chica right? You might just be a deranged old man with a feminine user-name... anyway "chica" please work less on your impecable grammar (it was pretty good) and more on your storyline and characterization. Oh, and at the end it says "Finis". Is that a spanish word or just in incomplete finish.’ "

She looked up when she was done and shrugged. "Okay, that just made no sense. Are they criticizing the story or complaining about the use of Spanish words? I mean, hello? They do realize we’re in California, don’t they? A lot of people speak Spanish in this state."

"Maybe. But not many of these people speak English judging by the spelling," Buffy snorted as she nudged the woodpile with her toe. She sniffed the air. "He’s really cooking up nicely, isn’t he?"

Xander’s got a naughty gleam in his eye. "I wonder…is it the franks or the beans?" When the others stared blankly, he looked at Willow. "C’mon, Will! You know this one."

She remained puzzled then hece cce cleared as she caught his meaning. "Oh, oh, I get it. There’s Something About Mary!"

Buffy and Tara laughed out loud. "That was a funny flick," Tara chuckled. "Ben Stiller was hilarious in that one."

"And the franks and beans…" Buffy’s eyes drifted upwards as she looked at the charred and smoking remains of Spike’s, ahem, naughty bits. "Definitely seeing the visual here."

Dawn got up and said, "That does it. I’m not sitting here listening to ewwww humor about Spike. I’m getting a log." She pulled one out and recited. " ‘i hated it...it was wrong...the killing spike part...he should never un-die.you sicko.’ "

Xander and the others waited expectantly. When she didn’t continue, he noted her crestfallen expression. "Wait. That was it? He just objects to her killing Spike in her story and calls her names? What’s with these people?"

"I know. Spike is a murderer and attempted rapist and yet they dump all over a plagiarist fanfic writer. Get this one." Buffy dug among the pile for a log she’d spied earlier. " ‘It's appropriate that Warren is the "hero" of this fic and is fulfilling the desires of the author. The author and Warren seem to have a lot in common and are obviously very sick people. Like Warren in BTVS, QB is the sort of person who enjoys hurting other people. I'm sure QB abused animals as a child and she probably abuses children if she has access to them. It's easy to spot the type, it wouldn't surprise me if she was sexually abused herself. Fortunately Warren doesn't actually exists, but QB is evidence that there are some really twisted people in the world. I hope I never have to meet anyone like her in real life.’ "

"Again, immature much? I mean, first she’s supposed to be into bashing animals, now she’s pegged as a child molestor? Can’t these people just stick to the story and leave the personal out of it?" Dawn paused for a moment and then said hurriedly, "Not that I’m saying she does those things. That was just a major yuck-worthy review."

"And bizarre, too. I mean, Warren was a lot more like Spike, what with the spying on Buffy and the attack on his ex-girlfriend," Willow said. She watched as Buffy broke the large log in two over her knee and tossed first one, then the other bit into the shallowly dug pit.

"Well, my last one was way too short. I’m getting another." Dawn pulled out what looked like a big fat piece. " ‘You go to hell, you go to hell and you die!’ " She spun it around, looking for more text. Finding none, she threw it into the fire with a petulant pout and watched it practically explode into a dustball on contact. "That’s so unfair! Why do I keep getting these short ones?"

"Well, you’ve had more than one turn, Dawn. Let Xander have another go," Buffy said.

Xander walked over to the pile and picked out one at random. "This doesn’t look too big, so here goes." He read it quietly for a moment, his mouth hanging open and his eyes getting wider with each line.

Finally the others couldn’t stand it. "What does it say, Xander?" Dawn asked as she tried to peek over his shoulder.

"Huh? Oh, this author wrote one of those Death of Spike fics…"

"One of the challenge ones?" Willow asked.

"Uh huh. Anyhoo, this reviewer thought it was a pissed-off B/Xer who wrote it." He proceeded to recite the review. " ‘First of all, it is common knowledge that you bitter BXers organized this challenge to kill Spike. You can't just be content to pump out your little fantasies of BX. No, you have to organize an anti-Spike challenge on your mailing list and then try to hide its origins. No wonder you're the laughingstock of the fanfic community. Then you all make a pact to review each other's fic so you can "brave the flames" that you deserve. This story was conceived of in a very poor-spirited manner and if you have any shame in you, you ought to be feeling it right about now. How would you like it if BSers or BAers organized a KILL XANDER challenge? You'd be whining and crying and yelling "Foul!" I am sure. But somehow, it's OK for you lot to kill Spike. Huh. What twisted logic, but then, what else can one expect from laughingstocks...’ "

"Hey, I resemble that remark!" Buffy pouted. "As if it was only B/Xers getting hissy fits over Spike."

"Yeah, you don’t have to be a B/X ‘shipper to hate Spike…" Xander began.

"…but it certainly helps!" the others finished to a round of general chuckles.

"Can I do another one? Please, Buffy? Please please please please please please please…" Dawn chanted.

"Okay, okay. Don’t get all whiny over it," Buffy said in exasperation.

"I’m not whining," Dawn frowned.

Her older sister rolled her eyes. "Whatever." Ignoring that last statement, her sister bent over the pile and picked up what looked like a really heavy log. She staggered slightly under the weight but refused Xander’s offer of help. Resting it on the sand, she eagerly bent over the wording on it.

"‘FFFFFSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDFFFFFFFFFFF
FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDF
FFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD.’ " She looked up her face twisting in bafflement. "What the hell was that?" she demanded. "Is it a flame? Or did someone sit on the keyboard?"

Tara mumbled around a crunchy frank. "Maybe it was just an accident. The reviewer might have cut and pasted the wrong thing and this got put up in place of the flame or whatever it was supposed to be."

"I don’t think so. There a whole lot of these," Xander observed. He held up another log with the exact same dribble up so that the women could see and then chucked it with Dawn’s onto the fire. The two logs fell into dustballs with the first lick of flames.

"I can’t believe somebody sat down and took the time to post that garbage more than once. Don’t these people have anything better to do?" Buffy demanded. She stomped over to the pile and pulled out another log. Hefting it easily in spite of its size the Slayer held it up for her own perusal.

" ‘You’re a bit harsh on spike aren’t you! Why don’t you like him? I noticed that you don’t have any fave stories is that because most buffy stories are B/S? !SPIKE AND BUFFY 4EVA!’ "

Buffy turned towards the others and pretended to ponder the question. "Why doesn’t the author like Spike? Gee, could it be because he murdered thousands of people and never said he’s sorry for any of it? Could it be because in spite of all we’ve done for him, he nearly unleashes a plague of demon babies on Sunnydale? Maybe it’s ‘cause he tried to rape me on my own bathroom floor after declaring undying love? Poor Spike! What horrible people these anti-B/S fans are!" She finished her sarcastic rant as she cast the wood onto the flames. Spike groaned behind his gag and tensed his muscles in another vain attempt to free himself.

Dawn snatched another log. " ‘SPIKE IS SO HOT.’ "

"No arguments here," Xander smirked as he cast an eye on the blackened figure on the rack.

"No, that’s all it says, over and over again. See?" Dawn turned the log so people could see the writings.

SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT

SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT

SPIKE IS SO HOT

SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT

SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT

SPIKE IS SO HOT
SPIKE IS SO HOT

HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT
HOT
HOT
HOT

"Anonymous, of course. The author should just delete it. What’s the point of a review like that?" Willow wondered.

Xander shrugged. "That wasn’t a review. That was from somebody who has never had the tiniest bit of sex."

"It was also a total washout! Why do I keep getting these?" Dawn whined. She folded her arms and pouted as Buffy gingerly picked off a toasted marshmallow off her barbecue fork.

"Let me try one," Willow volunteered. Clearing her throat she recited, " ‘What the hell am I doing, this isnt even worth a review.’ " She looked up and caught Dawn’s smug grin. "Gee, I guess Dawn isn’t the only one who gets the door prize." She stuck the piece of wood awkwardly on top of the pyre. With one end sticking up, the fire blazed up and danced on the end. The resultant flame licked perilously close to one of Spike’s nipples and he gave a garbled scream, his eyes rolling up in his head at the agony.

Dawn asked, "Anybody else want to take one?"

"Naw. I’m gonna have a s’more," Willow replied. Suiting the action to the words, she scrabbled in the bag with graham crackers and chocolate. Both Buffy and Tara shook their heads as they set up a mini grill for some burgers.

"Great! My turn again." She hunted carefully among the logs but the light from the sputtering fire made it hard to see. "We should put these logs closer," she groused.

"And have them catch fire ahead of time? That’s not the Boy Scout way," Xander pointed out.

"And since when were you a Boy Scout?" Dawn retorted. She held up a piece of wood that seemed heavier than the others and read off, " ‘Spike would make a great human being.’ "

Buffy choked and sputtered on a piece of meat. "Ugh, ack ack. Wh-what was that? As opposed to who, Ted Bundy?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "It’s another repeat offender." She turned the log around and sure enough:

Spike would make a great human being
Spike would ma gre great human being
Spike would make a great human being
Spike would make a great human being
Spike would make a great human being
Spike would make a great human being
Spike would make a great human being

Spike would make a great human being
Spike would make a great human being
Spike would make a great human being
Spike would make a great human being
Spike would make a great human being
Spike would make a great human being

She tossed this one into the flames and watched it go the way of the rest. "Crap! I so don’t believe this! What, is there some sort of curse on me? ‘Let’s give Dawn all the dud wood!’ Did I offend some Hellmouth Vengeance demon out there?"

Taking pity on her, Xander handed her another one. "Here, try this."

She grabbed it eagerly only to stare in bafflement at the words. Tara tried to help her out. "What’s the matter, Dawnie? Too dirty?"

"I’m not sure unless it’s a dirty limerick. It says ‘Esqua le taliarra, kio vai sinco clatra nosolos ri skia Angel wealoka kapam. Lala lom lomal since Buffy maola prinata al. Bopoc ripu af!’ "

Tara yelled, "Dawn, don’t!" But it was too late. With a final roar, the flames shot up, engulfing the burnt demon lashed above them. There was a brief, howling screech. Then a shower of ashes fell onto the fire.

Dawn looked down at the flames and gulped. "Wh-what was that? What did I say?"

Tara sighed. "Evidently that reviewer was a real B/A fan who hated Spike. That was a Romanian curse. 'It said may the impaler of Angel know eternal damnation. Since Buffy was tormented by a pale blonde demon, may he go up in flames and roast in hell.' "

"Ouch." Buffy stated. She stared for a moment into the remains of the fire. "So what now? Is the cookout over?"

"Heck, no!" Xander protested. "When I said all-nighter, I pretty much meant it. Just because we can’t have any more Spike barbecue doesn’t mean we should deprive ourselves of more fatty, salty, carbohydrate-laden snack treats. We’ve got ribs to chow down on, people! And there are plenty more logs left," he stated as he jerked a thumb at the remaining pile.

The girls groaned and Dawn let out an unladylike burp. "Maybe you can stuff yourself on roast beast all night, Xander, but some of us have tender stomachs."

"Guess that explains the peanut butter quesadillas," Buffy replied with a smirk. "What’s the next flame?"

Finis (?)
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Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire