Click Here!

  • 1

Reviews for Fun With The Initiative

By : JohnSlayer
  • From depechemodefan on August 23, 2008
    hmm, I don't mind slutty Buffy but Buffy isn't too much fun here.
    Report Review

  • From depechemodefan on August 23, 2008
    that was short, and even though I'm not a Riley fan it seemed you made Riley an asshole when he could have done something normal like just be stunned by Buffy's announcement.
    Report Review

  • From LadySephiroth on September 04, 2004
    Mmm. It's not a bad fic-I actually found it quite amusing. It's quirky as Buffy fics go-I don't trail into Buffy fics too often because I can't find too many good ones.

    Well it's written in present tense, which I think limits the imagination according to detail. It's a big challenge to get detail to work just right in present tense, which is why most authors use past tense. More detail would help make this story better.

    For starters, try being a little more imaginative when it comes to your description; a reader loves detail. The more detail you have the better it is for the reader; a good fic let's the reader get caught up in detail, making his imagination run wild. Not that you should have detail so deep that people start having orgasms along with Buffy, butike ike for example, this line here: "The others walked back to the mirror who scanned their faces and by the voice recognition they were out of the house and back to theirs; Buffy had gone with Riley." Just a little rewording will do the trick: "The others walked back to the mirror, waiting paitiently for it to scan their faces. As soon as its inspection was complete, they boarded the elevator, exiting the building when they got the chance and immediately headed home. Buffy, meanwhile, headed back to Riley's place with Riley." See? That wasn't so hard, and it got the mind of the reader involved, which is the most important thing.

    On a little side note, in some parts of the fic you switched between present and past tense narrative. That can be a bit confusing. Try sticking to one tense if you can possibly help it.

    But overall, not bad; it has much potential. If you ever want more feedback just ask; my friends and I will be happy to help. Keep writing though because practice makes perfect.

    Report Review

  • 1
T.O.S. | Content Guidelines | DMCA Info | F.A.Q. | Facebook | Tumblr | Abuse | Support | Contact | Donate

Click Here!